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Old 23rd June 2011, 08:30 AM   #331
chosen
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Smile Re: Husband doesn't want sex

baroness
I agree with much of what you say, but what if you have a husband who likes you without make up, or who dosnt even like women to wear it at all? None of my friends wear it and many of them have husbands who adore them. Most have long and happy marriages.I do know other men who really dont like seeing women in make up.My son isnt bothered about it, and his wife wears very little and she is beautiful.

I would definetely take what my husband likes and doesnt like into account, because I love him and want to please him, but I didnt wear it when we met and he isnt bothered that I dont, so we are both happy. My son got married 2 months ago, and I said to my husband "do you think that I should wear make up to the wedding?" and he says why, you dont need to, you look nice without it as you are. I didnt want to wear it and I was happy that he didnt want me to either.I dont dress to be noticed by others, but like to wear something that my I and/or my husband likes. The thing is that he likes me to just be me.

If we go out I will dress nicely(and I do dress quite smartly anyway)and he likes what I wear, but I wont dress in a sexy way except just for him behind closed doors. I will dress modestly in front of other men(as I said before, no cleavage, no short skirts/dresses etc).
If I wanted surgery and he was dead set against it, I doubt that I would have it because I believe that we need to agree on such vitally important matters, but as I never will have it, it doesnt matter. The problem wont come up.
God does say that when we are married, our bodies are not just our own but that they also belong to each other. This is why I would never have my body cut about if he hated the thought.(which he does)however much I wanted to(which I dont).

We intend to grow old gracefully (or should I says disgracefully lol) and love each other as we are, even when we are in our 80's, while at the same time carrying on eating healthily, exercising every day and looking after the bodies that God has given us.

As a parent, I would hate to think that one of my children felt they needed to have their bodies altered and cut up and sucked out or filled up, and and that is How I feel God thinks about us, but that is just my what I feel personally. Womens low self exteem is such an enormous issue today, with so many hating their bodies(even young girls), and the media always making us think that we all have to have ultra slim bodies and big boobs and flat tummies and no wrinkles, and that if we dont, we must have surgery or go on unhealthy crash diets, or buy excessively expensive face creams or have expensive treatments.
If we were all confident inside, and felt good about who we are and what we look like, we wouldnt need to take such drastic actions, or to feel that we must fit in and be like those in the media or try to compete with women half our age.

The Bible is right when it says that Charm is deceptive and beauty is vain. If we only spent more time on what is inside, rather than concentrating on purely the outer, then the inner beauty would flow ourwards. I see this in women who I know. I once read that The Holy Spirit is the best beauty treatment ever, and its free!!!!You do see some beautiful women and good looking men who are so horrible/arrogant/proud that they are actually ugly if you see what I mean.In side they arent nice and that reflects outwards.Then you see average looking people who just glow and they seem beautiful because of what is inside.That is my aim and desire, to glow from the inside.I have a long way to go but that is my goal. We need to reflect on and meditate on what God says to us, and how much He loves us, and how beautiful we are to Him and I really believe that we will be changed dramatically and our whole outlook on life will be transformed.

I suppose what I am trying to say, is that we need balance.

Last edited by chosen; 23rd June 2011 at 09:11 AM.
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Old 23rd June 2011, 01:20 PM   #332
Raymond
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Re: Husband doesn't want sex

You're preaching well Chosen.

I don't know though that our bodies are owned by our spouses. That we have power over the other's body is meant in a sexual sense in 1 Cor 7.

Anyway interesting 1okgal that they still have bare midrifts where you are. That seems to be finished over here. Now we have these tights with skirts just below the crotch and not even that sometimes. What it means to me is a constant battle with my eyes. I find if I look them in the eye and talk, say at work, it cures it somehow because you don't ogle those you know. It's this looking outside of relationship which seems to be dangerous and can lead to fantasy depending on the person. The young girls appear to go out of their way to excite the sexual in a man but talking to them they do not appear to be aware of it but just have this drive to follow the fashion. I wonder who inspires that?
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Old 23rd June 2011, 01:56 PM   #333
Chamomile
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Re: Husband doesn't want sex

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Originally Posted by 1aokgal View Post

So your husband collects antiques? What kind of antiques..any special items or period? What does he do with them? I get the feeling your husband may be older than you? Are you both the same nationality? I wonder why he has to "invite" you and why it is a big deal you use the bathroom there? You both seem to have too many secrets between you and seem not able to talk about things that bother you.

It was interesting to see a TV program awhile back about service dogs, companion dogs that are trained to scent the incidents before they occur. They can warn a minute ahead by barking. Dogs used for this job are amazing.

How long is it since you both lived together? Do you work or does this limit your life a lot?
It is hard to live with illness and I imagine there is some anger as we wonder why this has happened to us and not others. Illness can be a tremendous challenge but it can also prove to be our finest moments. It is how we overcome the problems we each face that shows what God has given us in place of that area where the disease lives. There are all the compensations we can appreciate that we do have. We have sight to enjoy beautiful things like the red, Cardinal bird that lands here on my back patio every day. He peeks in at me and he loves the lovely deep bowl bird bath shaped with a base like swans curled around it. He bathes and preens and makes a spectacle of himself. I hope my new camera zoom lense will capture him as he plays.

I can thank God mine is a heart problem. I still have my sight to greet this little guy each day. It is so wonderful to pick badly at the piano, to hear the beauty of it, even though I have little talent to play the sheet music that calls my name. It sounds different in my head than it does from the keyboard. Imagination replaces the discord with the classical piece I would like to play. When we open ourselves to the feel of cool water on our skin and the drama we see on these TV movies or we can cry, we give meaning to life. That is not the disease, it is all the other senses we have so we won't feel cheated or have self pity. The limitations are smaller by comparison to how much is good about our lives.

It sounds as if your husband and you lost making time for each other. Watching TV together is not making time that is quality for each other. Walking, playing with the dog together or talking about what you found about each other you really like, that is also making love.
You deserve to have this man able to listen to the fears you have. When one has an illness they want to reach out to the one they care about. I hope the quality of your time together improves.
Dear 1aokgal xxx

You write like a Shakespearean authoress Our marriage has both good and not so good like many others. Thank you for your incredible kindness which you have often shown to so many ppl on this site. No words can describe how much I appreciated your Good thoughts. We have started our journey to improve our marriage since I have discovered this site..

I agree with you about illnesses. Sometimes, I selfishly forget about God when life gets in the way. It was only recently when I returned to His wisdom. As for my illness, I could have been dead as I had a number of tonic clonic seizures (grand mal) since 2009 when my seizures were poorly controlled until the right anti-epileptic drug was found. That was when he couldn't bear anymore. Some ppl with E die from lack of oxygen etc or unknown causes each year. Someone I had known for years had passed away whilst in sleep. I believe she was about in her early 30s. I'm not sure if ppl struggling with their chronic illnesses necessarily have anger. Some moments of despair that is for certain lol I can only say about myself.

My h isn't even in his Forties. I am slightly older than him. He always had his love of collecting antique, particularly precious items from mid-century. I used to joke about him married to his antique as his relationship with antique goes back to his teens when he first started collecting. I know a significant portion of his income is going towards collecting and whilst he was begrudging to buy me a shampoo when I first became ill (I didn't need to depend on him prior to my illness), he kept pouring hundreds and thousands into his collection each month and he still does. He denies and disagree when I mention that his collecting behaviour is similar to those who have a hoarding tendency. I believe it also has something to do with male competitive drive, to acquire items over other collectors. There is no doubt that his collecting is his obsession. To make the matter worse, he told me he spends hundreds towards insurances to protect these items and of course, he also hires commercial storage for more items.

I believe it's his Mother who originally helped him cultivate his taste in the North. He is aware that he would have to make changes in terms of his spending and he usually does what he says he will do and that is a huge leap of faith for him, to my mind. He's currently reading quite a few Church-related marriage books in his spare time. One day, I might persuade him to visit the Church for once. lol

I was going to suggest him to start putting some money aside as we are planning to move eventually and that does cost and he cannot expect me to pick up as much bills as possible like before. If I'm frank, I sometimes find it quite exasperating to keep "telling" him these to be honest..I wish he pays more attention to these things as his focus tends to fall onto 1) his full-time work 2) hobbies 3) romantic time 3).......etc etc... 100) marriage finance 102) my welfare lol (my welfare may have been shot up to about 9) more lately.. Having said that, we have come a long way and he would have to make changes as much as I do and we are willing.

xxx
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Old 23rd June 2011, 02:02 PM   #334
Chamomile
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Re: Husband doesn't want sex

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The young girls appear to go out of their way to excite the sexual in a man but talking to them they do not appear to be aware of it but just have this drive to follow the fashion. I wonder who inspires that?
Hi

That is interesting. I remember mentioning this to my h once. He says, it's just a fashion-trend. Luckily, I know he is not into young girls. If he did, I probably wouldn't like it at all. (it's because that makes me wonder what he's doing with me?)

xx

Last edited by Chamomile; 23rd June 2011 at 02:04 PM. Reason: to add
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Old 23rd June 2011, 03:57 PM   #335
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Re: Husband doesn't want sex

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You're preaching well Chosen.

I don't know though that our bodies are owned by our spouses. That we have power over the other's body is meant in a sexual sense in 1 Cor 7.

Anyway interesting 1okgal that they still have bare midrifts where you are. That seems to be finished over here. Now we have these tights with skirts just below the crotch and not even that sometimes. What it means to me is a constant battle with my eyes. I find if I look them in the eye and talk, say at work, it cures it somehow because you don't ogle those you know. It's this looking outside of relationship which seems to be dangerous and can lead to fantasy depending on the person. The young girls appear to go out of their way to excite the sexual in a man but talking to them they do not appear to be aware of it but just have this drive to follow the fashion. I wonder who inspires that?

Yes you are right Raymond about the ultra short skirts, and also there are many many wearing ultra short shorts as well which seems to be the fashion this summer. Its hard to say whether these women realise how hard they are making it for men. Maybe the teenagers dont know, but surely the older women and the married women know what they are doing? Some women do it to get mens attention anyway, and that is just selfish for men like yourself and my husband who are trying to keep their eyes pure.
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Old 23rd June 2011, 04:38 PM   #336
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Re: Husband doesn't want sex

Yes, Chosen, you are preaching. You seem overly concerned to what your husband thinks and his approval. It seems your confidence level rests on his opinions. Somehow you believe you have a direct route to what God thinks. I find that a bit disturbing for you.

That reminds me of the TV mega-preachers who talk about living in balance, yet own a fleet of Mercedes personally and a Lear Jet for vacation trips. Our take on religion is very different. You equate the self improvement women make for health and beauty as though that is opposed to Christian living. Sorry, You don't have my vote as an authority on Christian values of women on this site. You do seem rigid and fixed as some rural churches here might encourage. It seems to chide others makes you feel better and there is no religious basis for any of the belief that to make positive changes is somehow negative. TSK-TSK that women cannot accept themselves is what I hear. It sounds like kids who play bigger on a small street.

I can tell you my city is in the US southern "bible belt" with more churches than McDonald restaurants. I live close to one of the all time great religious churches, with the college and their law school compound. A friend and I often meet for lunch on this campus as that church is ours and the area is beautiful and prosperous. There are a sea of beautiful well dressed women of all ages in this congregation. I think areas of the US are very fashionable.

It is true that in many households there are working women and everyone has their own car. My neighbor has 5 cars as his two teens drive to school. We have three cars and there are two of us. Women likely manage the money in many households with most having income for personal needs apart from her husband. Women have a separate bank account in addition to the joint account. I am not talking about factory workers or people of lower income, as average income in this city has been high until the recession.

The sour US econemy has hit most families. There are numerous houses for sale for a year in my development. I say people now spend less and overall we see strip malls with numerous closed stores and tenants not found to open new ones. Christmas was lack luster and stores were near empty with clerks standing and few big ticket customers. I'd say tight money encourages these "cash for car title" stores that rip off middle class borrowers and pawn shops doing brisk business. The war has taken a toll on nerves with young men dead and billions sent to countries who hate us for the generousity to build there when we need to repair our own intrastructures. I think expendable income is past for many families and saving is essential. If we understand anything it is that faith alone won't rebuild
relationships or lives, we need action. Those who can volunteer or add something to a community now need to stepout and help others.

I dislike the TV program called,"The Housewives of Orange County." I hope this is not distributed abroad. This image of the US women is flawed. Or maybe women in that area really are that rich, idle, selfish and silly? It is embarrassing to watch these real women make fools of themselves each program. I understand they are not actors and this is a reality show. I am fascinated by the uselessness of their lifestyle. Anyway, Americans like the program, as did those who liked "Dallas" in the 1980's which we got overseasas when I lived in Germany. I was glued to the weekly travails of a really rich dysfunctional family depicted there. I lived in Texas a few years but I never saw people like that! The stories are written by authors seeking exposure for sensationalistic mentally flawed people.

It just gets back to the fact we are all individuals. Each selects a path in life and do the best we can along with the twists we get from other people who may disappoint and delay our progress. I like most of my life even though some difficult things contribute to the tapestry woven there. Chosen, when you have 30 years of marriage behind you I wonder if you will regret being joined at the hip with your husband. You no longer work so it must be a lot about him.
When we don't have our own goals we sometimes put it all into the other person. I am not sure that works.

Last edited by 1aokgal; 23rd June 2011 at 08:24 PM.
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Old 23rd June 2011, 04:53 PM   #337
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Re: Husband doesn't want sex

Raymond...

Personally, I think the music rock stars make the styles for young women and it is a lot of bare skin and the "hooker" look on these young kids. No, Raymond, they do NOT know how suggestive they look as these are innnocents needing adult guidance. Our society has let them down. Parents buy the albums and pay for the fashions teens admire. They model themselves after heroin addicted boozed up megastars who live super rich while parents work to pay for that garbage, all signed.

I feel that the mothers who buy the clothes need a frontal lobotomy. They don't see how inappropriate these styles look in public and how suggestive to men who see them. No wonder the guys can't keep their eyes in their heads!

My grandaughter is 13 and looks 17, and she is beautiful. When I look at her I see how men regard her and it worries me. I am sewing a couple cute tie skirts for her and we made fabric selection. I try to guide her in selections when possible but there is a world of fashions out there that border on obscene. We live in troubling times.

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Old 23rd June 2011, 05:39 PM   #338
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Re: Husband doesn't want sex

Dearest Chamomile....

The Shakespearean authoress appreciates your compliment (HAHA).
Yes, true, I have a lyrical personality that sees beauty in everything. I am the eternal optimist with a "Pollyanna" outlook on everything. If you never read this great book which has been around for years, you owe it to yourself to get it.
Pollyanna was a poor young girl adopted by her rather rigid rich spinster aunt. After her father, a preacher, died she makes her life and the whole community change by her lovely values. I grew up with her mindset on the world. That means I believe the best about people.

You have had a terribly difficult time of it. You really must have had bad times during all these medical scares. This is a disease which others don't understand though it has been around always. New drugs are available and research saves lives. There is always new on the horizon.
My husband made it through Chemo last year and a new drug was part of that treatment. It is hard to live with a shadow hanging over head with limitations of an illness. There are medical breakthroughs all the time.

I am glad you found help from others feedback. Your husband reads marriage books and you spend time now to talk about things. That is a start. There is always hope for change. I took a nosedive for awhile with my illness. Pretty scary to realize one has a life threatening problem. Painful and frightening procedures became part of the scene for me for some years. I was angry to endure so much and realize there was no magic cure. It took some thinking to decide we all live with mortality and man is the only creature who knows with certainty he will die. It is how we live and what we believe that makes this all have sense.

You just make a niche for yourself that brings out the best you can be.
I hope you have a close family and can rely on them during difficult times.
Your husband values antique things perhaps as an escape from todays' world and then there is the investment value from such belongings.
If it is just hoarding, then that is often a disorder helped and medicated as it is symptomatic of obsessive compulsive disorder. If the collection owns him rather than he owns the collection, there is a problem. I hope that is not the case but it is a curable fixation.

Last edited by 1aokgal; 23rd June 2011 at 11:21 PM.
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Old 23rd June 2011, 09:06 PM   #339
Raymond
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Re: Husband doesn't want sex

Chamomile I think it is a very good sign that your husband is reading christian marriage books. To me that is admitting to himself that he hasn't got it right and that he is willing to learn. That cannot be bad.

Yes 1okgal it is amazing how the fashions are being set to the detriment of the young. I agree that this is a great evil and part of the price to pay for being part of the media type world we live in now where the young are continually being bombarded and deceived about what they should be.
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Old 24th June 2011, 04:39 AM   #340
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First of all, I loved watching Dallas and I like Dynasty too. I think that I need to address one of the threads I just read. Yes, my man likes the way I look either with make up or without but that doesn't mean I don't want to look my best. It isn't about changing who I am or trying to be one of the actresses or media personalities.

It doesn't have anything to do with that. It pleases me to look nice and to wear make up and do my hair and dress a little on the sexy side for my h. I don't wear sexy clothes all the time, at least I don't mean them to be, but this is me. I used to be shy and insecure and now i'm not. I like myself and others like me. I am not insecure about my looks even though I am now 55.

I thank God for making me a pretty woman just as I thank God for everything. I am a ministers daughter and i'm pretty sure god does not frown down upon us when we try to make ourselves attractive. It is a personal choice about whether to have surgery or not. You can afford it or you can't, or you don't want to do it, its all the same to God because he loves you like you are because he made you that way.

I don't think he is displeased when a woman has surgery either. If it makes a woman feel better about herself or proud of herself then she should do what she wants. Maybe she isn't ready to look older because her mind is still young. Yes, we should be concerned with what's on the inside, i've commented on that in earlier posts.

I don't think God judges us for the steps we take to look attractive, and I don't think one church is better than the other, or one community is better than the other. Whether you live in a place where surgery is expected or you live where no one wears make up, it doesn't really matter. Your surroundings have nothing to do with you.

I would do what I wanted about my body and face no matter where I lived. I am a unique individual, different than any other woman and you women need to realize that. It isn't about trying to be like celebrities, its just about trying to be a better person in whatever form it takes. You all sound like wonderful people to me and whatever you want to do; make up or no make up, surgery or no surgery, it really doesn't matter.

We aren't here to judge one another or how they live. It's what makes us individuals. Everyone is different and your husbands married you for the women that you are. I'm just saying that i'm going to look my best for my man and that includes make up occasionally and attractive clothes, its just in my nature to want to look the best. I like myself and I want my man to be proud of me.

I'm not trying to prove anything to anyone, i'm doing it because this is the way I am. This thread started out as talking about why our husbands don't want sex anymore and now its something entirely different. Going back to my posts, I would like to tell you the latest.

I told you I would maybe talk to him about us not having sex and his ed but i've done some research about the natural way to help this problem and I decided to get him some of these remedies. I told you that he wouldn't take them just as he won't go to the doctor.

I didn't really plan on it but this morning I told him I was getting him some pills that were going to help him and that he needed them and I was also going to get some vitamins for myself. I didn't ask, or discuss, I just let him know what I was going to do and I was surprised that he didn't argue in the least and is going to take them.

I didn't bring up anything related to sex and nothing has changed except that I have accepted him the way he is and decided to not be resentful anymore and just show him love. I was thinking about when the right time would be to discuss all this and suddenly this morning it was just out of my mouth but obviously in a way where he could accept it.

I knew asking him about it or telling him we should talk about it wouldn't work because he's in denial, but me just telling him I was getting him something that would help him and he should be taking it seemed to answer the whole problem. I'm not getting him viagra because that is a drug and I couldn't anyway and there are other pills like it but I have opted for the healthy way.

Gingko Biloba and zinc and even ginger can help his problem as well as the tribus terrestris but I thought i'd start with the first two. I need to get vitamins that will help my arthritus and so I will get us both some. He's 65 and really needs to be taking vitamins anyway since he works so hard up at the canyon.

I don't need to get him to admit anything this way, he knows that I know what's going on and I also know its very hard for a man and i don't wish to make him feel bad or uncomfortable so this is the way it turned out and I didn't even think about it first. Some men don't like a subject to be beaten to death and so when thier woman just cuts to the chase with the solution it seems better for both parties involved.

We're getting along better than we ever have and nothing has really changed except that I have been more loving to him (if that's possible) and so now he knows that I will accept him the way he is and whatever happens so now he needs to do his part. If i'd told him he needed to do his part and stop pretending like this wasn't happening, he wouldn't have accepted it.

Sometimes a woman just has to do what she has to do.
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Old 24th June 2011, 05:30 AM   #341
chosen
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Re: Husband doesn't want sex

Baroness, we all feel younger inside that on the outside once we get past a certain age. I feel about 30 inside and I am also 55. All of my friends say the same. its normal life. My husband loves the 'girlishness' that is still in me despite my middle age. However while we do agree on making the best of ourselves, we will never agree on surgery or the more drastic measures, but we each need to be at peace with God about what He would want us to do or not do. I would not be at peace if I had surgery, but thats me. It would never seriously enter my head to have it.
I do think that you under estimate the influence that those around you can have though, and the culture, and the country that you live in. Isnt it strange that the attitiude that you and others from the USA have to those from the UK? Its like a different world. Of course many women here wear make up, most like to look nice and feminine, and a few women do have plastic surgery, but surgery is very rare among any but the famous and celebrities, and that is the BIG difference.I hope that it never gets like that here I must admit. There are teenage girls of 15 or 16 wanting breast enlargements there for example, and to me that is so sad.

I too thank God for the body that he gave me. I have really good skin which is partly hereditary from my mothers side(few of the women have wrinkles in middle age ), and partly because I tend to avoid spending much time sunbathing(sun is a killer for the skin), so I do feel blessed.
I have no cellulite either which is quite unusual for a women of my age apaprently ,and I am grateful for that. In some ways we do live in different worlds, but even if friends of mine did start having operations(and some of them do have plenty of money) I would still want to go against the flow and just be me, because I feel so strongly about it.


Thats very positive about the vitamins and herbs. They may not make too much difference over night, but given time they may well help. We too take various vitamins and herbs, and have done for many years. My husband has diabetes (despite eatling healthily,and lots of exercise and not being overweight-his dad had it) and takes things to help counteract that, and like you I have some arthritis, in certain joints(started as an arthritic condition in my late 30's).It has improved in recent years with prayer and a good diet. My husband is very keen on various herbal products and had been taking them for about 5 years before we met. A good vitamin and mineral mix is a good idea also.

Just a last tip. I have noticed that if I avoid ALL while flour, my joints feel better. So try and have wholemeal bread, pasta and rice etc and no white flour at all, and also aviod white refined sugar.

Last edited by chosen; 24th June 2011 at 06:24 AM.
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Old 24th June 2011, 08:56 AM   #342
Raymond
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Re: Husband doesn't want sex

If we can thank God for the bodies He gave us then that is a very good thing. It doesn't mean we are perfect but we can revel in the things which are good. If we say I hate my legs or my nose then in a sense we are cursing that part of our bodies. If anyone thinks they need plastic surgery who are we to judge. Motives are everything. See what you started Forever.

Back to the thread. It is great Baroness that you were able to suggest buying the right herbs without any tension. You must have prayed I am sure. There is an acknowledgment there that something is wrong in his receiving of the pills which is progress for sure. Well done for being gentle and tactful and understanding how he ticks.
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Old 24th June 2011, 09:38 AM   #343
chosen
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Re: Husband doesn't want sex

I agree about the curse thing Raymond. I was told about a lady who hated her face. She used to look in the mirror every day and say how much she hated her face for years,and eventually she got cancer of part of her face and had to have surgery. That was so sad.
A Christian lady who I know of, says that she looks in the mirror every day and says"Thank you Lord for my fit and healthy and beautiful body" because she believes that how we see ourselves and what we say about ourselves is vitally important.
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Old 24th June 2011, 09:48 AM   #344
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Re: Husband doesn't want sex

Baroness, as you are so physically beautiful and attractive, then that makes me wonder even more why you need to change anything?
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Old 24th June 2011, 01:43 PM   #345
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Re: Husband doesn't want sex

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Originally Posted by 1aokgal View Post

My husband made it through Chemo last year and a new drug was part of that treatment. It is hard to live with a shadow hanging over head with limitations of an illness. There are medical breakthroughs all the time.

I took a nosedive for awhile with my illness. Pretty scary to realize one has a life threatening problem. Painful and frightening procedures became part of the scene for me for some years. I was angry to endure so much and realize there was no magic cure. It took some thinking to decide we all live with mortality and man is the only creature who knows with certainty he will die. It is how we live and what we believe that makes this all have sense.

You just make a niche for yourself that brings out the best you can be.
I hope you have a close family and can rely on them during difficult times.
Your husband values antique things perhaps as an escape from todays' world and then there is the investment value from such belongings.
If the collection owns him rather than he owns the collection, there is a problem. I hope that is not the case but it is a curable fixation.
Hi ((((1aokgal))) xxx

Thank you so much for your inspiring, heartfelt post in this bright day. Your kindest and sincerest words had certainly lifted my spirit so much. Will certainly look out for Pollyanna for certain

I'm really so sorry to hear about your heart problem and associated painful and serious medical procedures which you had to submit to. It must have been so frightening and I can only sympathize with your deepest, immense emotional turmoil as well as unbearable, physical pain accompanied with these serious operations. It is so incredible that you never complained about any of these once before and you often appear to be only moving forward so positively with your tremendous wisdom and a real good heart so open for helping others. My hat's off to you. I have also much appreciated your kindest thoughts and encouragement as always.

As for my h's collecting, that's exactly what my h says about his collecting. Because he says that these antique objects are so valuable then it's not considered "hoarding". I tend to agree with you when you surmise that his collecting is an escape. It could be a source of giving him immense pleasure (in looking at beautiful designs); I tend to think that he has a very quiet, private personality despite his very public profession, which takes up much of his time and energy. Once he's off work, he does need to hide away and do other interesting things to keep him occupied and that usually means, hunting down things to collect (you guess it! x) lol

He used to play at a rock band when he was younger and he was very good at it. I encouraged him to continue this as he doesn't seem to have friends besides his work colleagues. I have suggested him to take up some exercises so many times to no avail. Whilst he started taking supplements since some time, he hasn't done much else to reduce his work-related stress apart from collecting and spending time with me.

Plus, he does seem to hate spending his money to enjoy life apart from his collecting and essentials e.g. bills, clothing etc which has been difficult to say the least. I have suggested him to go to shows, going away over the weekend etc. But he says he hates organizing these and I believe he genuinely does as much as he does not enjoy paying for these (?). On the other hand, if I say, I want to go away alone or with friends etc, it seems that he doesn't seem to like the idea. We started to go to London over the weekend (he does not need to organize for this) and there has been some compromise. So long as we continue to address these things over time, I'm far more optimistic these days that there are always ways to work these issues out in a long run.

Chamomile xxxx
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