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Old 25th February 2015, 06:52 PM   #1
beans
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Join Date: Feb 2015
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I'm struggling to see what the point of my OH is anymore

Hi,
I'm posting on here because I really need to hear some viewpoints from a perspective outside of my relationship.
I'm a 30 year old male and met my OH around 10 years ago. We got talking and ended up realising we really got on and that was that.
She got pregnant quite early on and we had an amazing little boy. I had my own business but when my son was 1 we wanted a secure monthly pay so sold I it and took a nightshift managers job locally and we moved into a new house.
My OH had a part time job also but her hours were a lot less so I expected her to pick up a bit more of the housework.
Instead I came home from my nightshift at around 6:30.. washed the pots and cleaned up. I got my son up changed his nappy, fed him breakfast then woke her up with a coffee and breakfast.
She always got up in a horrid mood still which got me down... after a while I realised she did no housework.. got up angry everyday and I'd had enough so I started to get on her case about it and how much she goes out getting drunk. This lead to us getting on even less and 6 months later she slept with someone else and blamed it on me for always having a go at her... which I told her if she'd just wash the ****ing pots or cook a meal once in a while I'd have no reason to have a go at her. She left me and took her son and demanded that I have him at weekends because I don't work then or I can't see him at all.
This went on for 6 months and I had no life whilst she went out and slept with pretty much everyone I knew while I had our son and it killed me inside.
Eventually I met another girl who thought I was the perfect man and we started to date but took it slowly. Eventually things between me and the ex cooled down too and we were able to talk properly without having a go at one another.
Another 6 months down the line and my ex phoned me in bits telling me she couldn't bare to see me happy with someone else and I should be with her... she was sorry for everything and she knew she didn't deserve it but she'd do anything to give us another go.
I wasn't sure but I wanted my son to have his proper family so broke up with the girl I was dating and agreed to give it a go.
Things went great.. we were getting on... communication was excellent I could say mg bits and she actually listened instead of accusing me of attacking her and we were both really happy. Since then we have another little girl who's now 3. I have a better paid day job and she too works full time... however I'm back to being miserable.
She never washes the pots... she's always angry and tired.. I do most of the housework if I leave it it just doesn't get done. I've suprised her with holidays, a puppy an new car. I bought a massage table and started giving her a massage every few days but anything I do only stops her from shouting at me and the kids for 24 hrs and it's back yo the same woman who shouts at everyone... never seems happy... never helps... has stopped showing me any sexual attention and I'm starting to wonder what the point in her being here is?
If I didn't love her It'd be best if she just went... the kids would get shouted at less... I'd have less housework to do... I'd have more money as she keeps spending it on needless things... I'd have time to eenjoy things I actually like doing.
I'm too scared to pull her up on these points after she used it last time for the reason she cheated... I just don't know what to do? Why is she not happy when I do so much? I'm a good looking guy (not being big headed but never had trouble with attracting ladies).. I'm caring... 100% faithful... I run her baths give her massages even when I was off work recovering from an operation and supposed to be laid up I still did the most housework so what's up with her? I just want her to be happy and instead I'm getting to the point where I'm thinking of leaving because I get nothing back from this relationship... help
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Old 25th February 2015, 09:14 PM   #2
Raymond
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Re: I'm struggling to see what the point of my OH is anymore

You said you were happy and that things were going good when you got back together. What is the difference between now and then?

I think part of this is accepting people how they are. We all need acceptance for who we are not what we do as the bottom line. My wife is not that good at housework but she is not lazy. If I criticised her for that it would not be a healthy marriage. I read the other day that criticism causes about 95% of divorces. Don't know how true that is but I reckon there is some truth there.

Does your spouse not have any good points? The way you describe her she seems all washed up. I agree that getting regularly drunk is not a good thing and something ought to be done about that. Thgat would affect her will and the discipline to do what she wants to do.
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Old 26th February 2015, 02:21 AM   #3
beans
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Re: I'm struggling to see what the point of my OH is anymore

Hi Raymond,
Thanks for your reply. I was happy at first what changed is that it really didn't take long for her to stop making much of an effort once she had me back. In responding I've realised I set the bar quite high myself so maybe expect the same back. We have good communication sometimes still and she will say without any prompt (so she must be thinking about it) that she realises how great I've been and promises me such and such a thing but it never materialises.... ever. I actually just ignore her in my own head when she promises to do anything because it leads to disappointment 100% of the time.

I appreciate your comment about accepting people how they are. I do try and I think I need to do this a little more but I am struggling. She's not Lazy when it comes to work... she actually has a better work ethic than myself and I'm immensely proud of her for that. I also know I am better at housework than her and wouldn't mind half as much if she picked up the slack somewhere else but instead I just find myself having to take breaks from the housework to keep the kids occupied because they're getting told off for being in the way of the tv and asking her questions etc. She spends most of her time laying on the couch watching tv and playing with her phone. I've set a computer up in the living room to keep myself occupied when I just give up on the housework too from time to time and she tells me off for ignoring her. When I point out she's been ignoring me and the kids for her phone and tv that's why I've set it up she nearly cries and calls me all sorts of names.... I'm not trying to win an argument but just point out where the problem is.

I just want us all to be happy but it seems like nothing makes her happy for more than 24 hours. I really don't mind doing the most part of housework and raising the children if it's appreciated but she just lies on the couch and says things like "the kids need dinner" "or the kids need a bath". I've waited it out plenty of times to see if she does anything and no she just lets the kids go hungry or without a bath.

I know my son didn't starve or go without a bath for the year we were apart so I know she's fully capable. I guess she knows she's got me over a barrel.

The thing is I also know she'd hate me to leave her I really do so I can't understand the behaviour.

As for the drinking it is only once a week but it's fully out of control can't even talk/walk/remember what she's done or where she's been and it's worrying for me.

I have to use all my strength to love her at the minute and it's been like this for quite a while. Do you think this is something we can get through or am I just prolonging my own agony before I give up? It's hard enough working full time and raising 2 kids without someone making extra mess and problems and spending far more than their fair share of the household money and as much as I hate myself for it I'm starting to see her as nothing more than an inconvenience.
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Old 26th February 2015, 10:34 AM   #4
Raymond
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Re: I'm struggling to see what the point of my OH is anymore

She seems very lazy to me and yet you say she has a good work ethic. How does this work out in practice?

When I said my wife was not all that good at housework at least she does it. I will do the things overlooked and it kind of works okay.

I am wondering if you have become henpecked and are kind of enabling this laziness by being too accommodating in other words. If that is enabling her laziness then there is something wrong. It is one thing to help in a weakness, quite another for someone to sit back and let you slave.

There are probably lots of other problems going on which are personal to her and nothing to do with you. My thought is just to deal with this housework business first as you sound like a bit of a slave. If she is working long hours at work I can maybe understand it. Can you fill us in on what work she does do outside of the home?
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Old 26th February 2015, 01:18 PM   #5
chosen
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Re: I'm struggling to see what the point of my OH is anymore

I agree with Raymond, you are running around her like a servant while she lies there and does nothing. You need to make her aware of how fed up you are, about how you will no longer put up with this situation, and unless she begins to pull her weight and do at least half of the house work and child care, you are leaving, and this time there will be no getting back together.
If my spouse has slept with loads of people there was no way that I would have stayed with them anyway, and I think its a shame that you didnt stay apart then. How can you trust her?

Write down clearly all the things that you want to change9Inclduding the no sex part), and go through them together. Work out who will do what jobs, take it in turns to bath the kids and put them to bed while the other one clears up and tidies the house. Sometimes people need the shock of thinking they will loose their spouses for them to act.
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