my husband hates me?

[bluesky]

Need to talk to someone ...
My husband and I have known each other for 10 years, married for 5.
There was always a lot of drama, before we got married we didn't have money for a wedding as my family had lost all their money .... so we had to wait an extra year to get married. Once we got married it took me almost 2 years to get pregnant, considering I was already 35 it was really upsetting and I took it out on my husband who hated me for it.
After baby was born everything was fine for 2 years (now) we started trying for another baby and I realized that him going to the jacuzzi zeroes our chances so I mentioned this to him and he threatened to get a divorce. A few other times he had threatened me to get a divorce.
I admit I am a drama queen but I try not to be too much with him but I don't always succeed ... over the summer I was diagnosed with a problem with my kidney, I was devastated and scared ... I have to be careful how much devastation I show because if it's too much he gets annoyed. Before that I had a mammogram that showed something off, then I was super devastated (I am very anxious too) and then he really couldn't stand me.

Back to today. We are having guests over for 3 months and they are ruining our marriage, we need some time to ourselves. One of the guests is his cousin from abroad, one is my mother (which he is usually fine with).

My husband also pays my parents AND brother's rents and food abroad. Yes, you read right, I feel terrible about it, terrible, the only way for me not to feel guilty is not thinking about it.

I do not buy anything for myself ever, to compensate for what he gives to my family but he doesn't seem to appreciate it, nor care for it, actually he wants me to buy nice clothing but I can't, I feel too guilty. He is not a millionaire, he works hard and helps my family which is not able to get through on its own (my brother has add, ocd and other stuff and can't find a job in his country).

Besides all this my husband is slightly bipolar, 6 months of high and 6 months of low, the lows usually happen in the winter which he hates.

Today I reminded him that the jacuzzi kills his sperm and if he doesn't want any more kids then he should continue going .... he kept on going although I know he wants more kids...
When HD came back from the jacuzzi he said he is tired of me.
I reminded him that if we got a divorce he would see his child only 1/week, he took it as a threat but I told him those were the facts because I take care of him all day so he would be with me all the time.
This is not the first time he threatens for a divorce, other times afterwards he mentioned that he says it to hurt me.
I do not want a divorce. I want to work things out.
He would never in a million years go to counseling.

[Raymond]

You have a pretty complicated scenario Bluesky which is impossible to deal wih in one go.

Others will comment but to me it seems that you hurt each other through things that you say. Are you sure it's not a fallacy that a jacuzzi affects a man's sperm? Never heard of that one. I don't think he believes that.

It seems that you are an alarmist and have fears that possibly pull him down. I don't believe he hates you but some of the things you say might depress him and he cannot take it.

The divorce word should never be used in marriage and certainly not used as a threat by either of you. This brings something into the marriage which wasn't there before and could be a way of trying to get one's way and manipulating the other which is not healthy. Marriages thrive on trust. I think threatening each other brings in a kind of fear and closes you up to each other. Loving and being concerned about each other will have the opposite effect. If you know that it has to start with you.

I think it is very commendable that he supports your relations in the mother country. I would say he has some good traits. This doesn't mean you can't have good clothes especially as he is encouraging you to look good. We have found it is better to really get the right thing that you would want to wear even if it costs more than buying a lot of stuff that may be cheap but you don't wear half of it. I had to encourage my wife to buy smart things as she used to dress very dowdilly in things that I didn't think suited her. It has taken a long time but now she really dresses really well and it doesn't cost a lot if you buy things that really suit and you are wearing them.

[bluesky]

Hi, thank you for your reply.
I am not sure if the jacuzzi story is real or not all I know is that it takes us forever to get pregnant. First time around I had a bunch of painful exams, a surgery, acupuncture, took vitamins and supplements etc... I am only asking him to avoid the jacuzzi for a few months and he wouldn't do it. You are right though, he does not believe it is an issue but I have read it *may* be ... so why take the risk? I am 37 and can't really wait much longer ...

I am an alarmist .... I am anxious and have health fears.

He started using the divorce word when we were trying for baby #1 and I was depressed b/c it wasn't happening ... he started using it again recently ... I hate it when he does it and he knows it and uses it against me. When he is angry he enjoys hurting me, no physically (yet?).

He wouldn't talk about his private life to anybody so it's impossible to get a third party involved to help us Figure Out Our issues.
sometimes I hate him and wonder if I did the right thing marrying him but then I realize there is no much a thing as perfection. I am far from it as well as he.
marriage is very difficult. We lived together for a few years before we got married, we had literally no money, we lived in a studio, we used to go miles out of the way to save in grocery .... but we were happy.
Not sure what happened. I feel like he hates me for all the money he is giving my parents. And I totally understand him. I can't mention anything g to my parents b/c they are depressed abt it as well and are not happy to be supported by my husband (my dad would love to buy us an apartment).

It's just a mess and worst of all I have no bid, nobody at all to talk to about all this.

[Raymond]

The trouble is one can tend to be controlled believing everything one reads. I don't think there is any evidence for the jacuzzi theory. Can you put it behind you? You are similar to us. We were trying to go for two children and we got married late. My wife married me at 35 and we didn't have our first until she was 38 and the second when she was nearly 42. We had problems with her conceving and we even had prayer for it from some christians. We worked out what time it was best to do it and when the time came it was do it NOW. Pretty clinical. I don't think anxiousness helps or changes anything. It happens when it happens so long as you are coming together. As you have had one child you are obviously not barren and it can happen again. I wouldn't advise going to acupuncture again personally speaking as there are spiritual principles behind it which can affect your spirit.

Why would he hate you because he is helping your family? Does he feel he is forced to give? If it is not freewill it's not worth much. Have you thanked him at all or shown appreciation? I think you both need to practice loving each other in practical ways. You can love in a special way using his love language whichever that is. It could be Words of Affirmation, Quality Time, Gifts, Acts of Service or Touch (hugs, holding hands, not sex here). One of those would scratch him where he itches depending on what his main love language is. You have to mend the fences somehow. You were happy before and can be again even though you have to work at it a little. Most have to work on their marriages after a while.

[bluesky]

Yesterday when he was mad he mentioned he calculated how much he gave to my family so far and it was not a small amount. He is not forced to do it but he knows that if he doesn't they wouldn't have a place to live. He helps also other people, gives money to charity all the time. We are actually Jewish and in Judaism giving charity is very important but he doesn't consider what he gives to my family charity although he knows he will probably never get that money back.

I barely see my husband, he wakes up early, goes to the jacuzzi then off to work till ... as late as he can, sometimes he doesn't come home till 9 pm, I know he has nobody else he just doesn't like to come back to a crowded apartment while I am stuck with the guests (my mother I can stand but his cousin, even if a sweet girl, I am already tired of .... but she is living in 2 weeks). When he is mad at me he tells me he stays in the office late to avoid me.
I am not a very social person and at home I need quiet, this girl is very loud although a sweet girl I need quiet sometimes.
I was having a hard time taking care of my 2 years old son when I was having the kidney issue so my husband had this genius idea to invite his cousin (who doesn't speak a word of English, so I have to break my tongue to communicate with her) to come help me ... in the meantime my mother came too ... I really didn't need the help of 2 people ... plus my husband is paying for his cousin's shopping spree, he gave her a credit card and told her to buy whatever she wants, and I wonder why he does that, like he doesn't have enough expenses already.
Anyway b/c of them we barely have any alone time .... when they first came we left our son with them and we left for a week end just the 2 of us. It was nice but we felt guilty, we missed our son.

I know marriages need work but I feel it's harder to sort things out while pretending everything is fine in front of our guests .... we can't talk freely. At this point I can't wait for his cousin to leave and I already asked my mother to go to her sister's for a few days once my husband's cousin leaves.

When he is in his high season (he is bipolar) he wakes up with a smile, he always tells me he loves me, he texts me many times / day
. In his low season anything can make him burst, he wakes up tired and depressed, he barely talks and he is sad.
I know this already but he doesn't see it, he knows he has high and lows but he says he is tired of me .... let's say I complain about 1 thing twice in like 6 months he jumps on me saying :" YOU ALWAYS complain about that ..." and I think ... 'always? I complained abt this twice in 6 months .... is that always?' ... guess he replays stuff in his head ? I am not sure why he says that ....

This time around I was trying to be very cool about getting pregnant, first time around I cried every day for months. This time around I get upset only when my period shows and then I go on with my life .... last time when it showed up I asked him : maybe Gd wants us to have only 1 child?" .... I was looking for a word of support .... but his reply was :"PROBABLY" then when I got upset he said he can't go through this again ..... through what?! I am nowhere near as crazed as I was when we were trying for baby #1. I remember praying and saying that I would have been happy to have at least one and now maybe I am being greedy for wanting 2? I don't know .... I really would have loved 3 but apparently it's not in my hands .. on the other hand I have a cousin who just had 3 kids in 3 years ... clearly I am jealous of her fertility.

when everybody leaves I am probably going to sleep in my son,'s room for a few days to give my husband some time on his own. Unfortunately when he is depressed nothing we talk about or say is going to change the situation.

Thanks for listening to me.

[chosen]

Is he being treated for bi polar?

is there any reason why your family cant get work? The thing is that you mum has found the money to come and stay with you, but you say she cant afford to pay her own bills.

[bluesky]

No, he doesn't want to take medication. He is slight bipolar.
My husband paid for my mother's ticket.
My father works but is not making money, the deals don't close.
My brother is useless, he can't keep a job, had a bad childhood, bad relationship with dad which scarred him till now, too long/complicated to explain.
I never had a super easy life, there was always fighting in my house.
Then my family lost all the money and b/c they never saved now they have none ... I don't want to be like that, I save every penny, e v e r y penny. I do not waste money, but my husband sees me as cheap. On the other hand my husband's family is very modest, they worked all their life and have a good saving account .... they live modestly, my husband us not modest at all, he likes to spend.
And I live in fear that we will be left with little money.
It's such a mess.

[chosen]

Are there no jobs for your mother or father to apply for?

[bluesky]

They are in their 60's not exactly the most desirable age to hire ... my dad was always self employed. I tried to see if any office wanted to hire him based on his experience but it didn't work out.
My mother has no work experience what's over although she would love to work, she actually likes working.

[Raymond]

Your husband has some good traits Bluesky. He sounds very generous and takes charity seriously. I am sure Gd will look after him. Of course it is not right to waste money but perhaps you are a balance for him. Marriage is like that. We balance each other out.

Some of your problems are temporary with his cousin and your mother there. You ought to try and be hospitable to his cousin seeing as she will be gone soon. She had come to help after all. With your mother that's up to you when she stays of course. I know you need time alone but you will get plenty of that it seems if your husband is at work all day.

It sounds terrible that he works all hours because he doesn't want to come home to you but this seems balanced when he is in his high period. It's a shame that he cannot be balanced a bit although it would take a little self control.

It is a well known thing in marriage that you never say you always when you are annoyed. It is rarely true. It just shows how ratty your husband was at the time. There doesn't seem any cure for bipolar medically at the moment apart from Gd of course but until that happens you have to try and overcome the present situation which seems to be because of his bipolar. it's a shame you can't get out and about a bit although you will have to eventually for the sake of your son.

It's not too late for you to become pregnant so keep trying and pray a little as well. Who knows you might have three in the end. There's no reason for Gd to ration you.

[bluesky]

Thank you Raymond, I appreciate your words. I will keep kn praying.
I am doing a little better today and my husband is talking to me like nothing ever happened.
What's one of his traits, he can go to sleep angry but wake up in the morning and behave like nothing ever happened. I am not like that, I usually hold a grudge but his being like that helped me to let it go sometimes and try to forget abt the harsh words he said.

[Raymond]

Glad that you are doing a little better today Bluesky.

I'm like your husband in that respect although I deal with any anger before I sleep. My wife is like you maybe. I put an argument behind me and go to sleep and my wife dwells on it even when it is bedtime. She is a lot better now though. Sometimes she may be right but it can be the words used in the argument that can do the damage, so forgiveness is rather important so that we do not hold a grudge. Don't let the sun go down on your wrath is a good maxim we use to make sure there is no anger left at bedtime. Also a soft answer turns away wrath as mentioned in Proverbs.

[bluesky]

Yes, it sounds like we are in a similar situation, age, kids included so you can understand me.
sometimes it's hard to forget harsh words that were said jn a mkment if madness .... when I say something that hurts my husband he says that he loves me a little less each time .... but when he says something nasty I remember it .... but then when I see him behaving as nothing happened I try to forget about it... not easy, but I try.
Was your wife devastated when it took you long to have your first baby? It is so common these days to have fertility problems, 8 couple out of 10 I know have had some sort of fertility issues.
On the other hand there are super fertile people, like my cousin, who get pregnant without even trying.

[chosen]

I think that part of the problem with fertility today is that women are waiting so much longer. When I had my children it was mainly women in their early-mid 20's who had babies(I was 21 when I had my first) and of course women are far more fertile at that age. It was pretty rare for a women over 30 to have a baby then. All of my friends who had babies at that age got pregnant very quickly. Now its more common for women to begin to try get pregnant in their 30's and even 40's. so it all takes so much longer, and far more women need help with ivf or whatever.

Man are far more able to put things in a box, so will be able to forget a row and go to sleep. Women cant do this so well, and will be thinking about it for ages afterwards.

[Raymond]

As Chosen says the younger the better, but we made it although there were a couple of miscarriages at first which we had to have prayer for. It seems that some gypsy thing was coming down the line from the grandfather which she had to be cut off from in prayer. Things were fine in the end of course but we did go through periods wondering if we were ever going to have children. We had two lovely boys eventually who are both doing very well.

One doesn't always have control over when one marries. Personally I was in a mess coming out of an orphanage and wasn't capable of holding a relationship. When Gd got hold of me I began to heal but marriage didn't happen until much later.