The rolling waves again and again when will it end? - 2-in-2-1 Discussion Forums

ralfgarnett · 21st January 2015, 05:58 PM

Its happening again and again and again, I keep getting a wave of sadness and pressure washing over me in which I just want to ring her or email her and tell her in detail just how very much I miss her in everything I do, see, think, talk about just everything, we haven't fallen out we just haven't seen each other in weeks now or even spoken on the phone, I am not totally sure what it would achieve apart from getting it off my chest as I really want her to know that I miss her so much, this coming June would / will be our 18th wedding anniversary so no small fry relationship, girls and guys please be honest what should I honestly do ?, im suffering depression and in counselling as well as being refered in for CBT so obviously not in a good place emotionally and psychologically, but I always loved her and the pain of being separated is crushing me, I think of her all the time and wonder what shes up to, I miss her so much I feel half dead without her please advise me and help me I need your guidance as I feel as though I'm drowning in sadness and pain again and again, I wake up in the night and start thinking of her and our times together, is this all normal or am I over thinking things ?, to be honest the truth is I cant envisage the rest of my ilfe without her it hurts so much please help me.

notDoneYet · 21st January 2015, 06:23 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by ralfgarnett

Its happening again and again and again, I keep getting a wave of sadness and pressure washing over me in which I just want to ring her or email her and tell her in detail just how very much I miss her in everything I do, see, think, talk about just everything, we haven't fallen out we just haven't seen each other in weeks now or even spoken on the phone, I am not totally sure what it would achieve apart from getting it off my chest as I really want her to know that I miss her so much, this coming June would / will be our 18th wedding anniversary so no small fry relationship, girls and guys please be honest what should I honestly do ?, im suffering depression and in counselling as well as being refered in for CBT so obviously not in a good place emotionally and psychologically, but I always loved her and the pain of being separated is crushing me, I think of her all the time and wonder what shes up to, I miss her so much I feel half dead without her please advise me and help me I need your guidance as I feel as though I'm drowning in sadness and pain again and again, I wake up in the night and start thinking of her and our times together, is this all normal or am I over thinking things ?, to be honest the truth is I cant envisage the rest of my ilfe without her it hurts so much please help me.

Hi ralf. I'm not an expert here, but the counceling should help? I wouldn't contact your wife, not when you feel the way you do. You need to find other ways to focus your attention. Take up a hobby or something. The more you focus on your wife the worse you are going to feel mate. Learn to let go.

ralfgarnett · 21st January 2015, 07:04 PM

I cant let go I just cant I miss her so much my life feels empty and pointless without her, I have had a few rough days on the trot now including disturbed sleeps I just feel so empty without her, my counsellor thinks that although im doing well in counselling that I may be stuck if I cant accept, but I cant accept something that is so undeserved I did nothing wrong and her leaving just came out of the blue you can read my thread if you want, its been 6 months and 11 days now and while 6 months is not really a very long time it feels like eternity to me, oh god when will it all end ? please god if you love us as they say you do please help me please bring my wife back to me please god I beg you I will do anything you need of me, just give us our beautifull marriage back again I want my dear sweet wife back again, she was my best friend and the light of my life, she is everything to me without her I can see no point in continuing.

chosen · 21st January 2015, 07:06 PM

You must stop thinking of her. You need to train you mind to do that. So, for example, if you wake in the night, have a book by the bed and read that for a while until you get sleepy again. If you do it during the day, think of something else, or get up and read the paper or go for a walk or a coffee.
Put the tv or radio on. The more you stop this the easier it will be for you. The only person you are hurting by all this is yourself.
Writing to her or contacting her is pointless unless she is wanting to come back.

You must accept it, you have no other choice. No you didnt deserve it, just as many others dont deserve the awful things that happen to them. I suppose thats the risk we take when we have a relationship, that the other person may not do what we think they should. That they may act badly and hurt us.

ralfgarnett · 21st January 2015, 07:55 PM

Hi chosen I have been refered in for CBT maybe that will help my thoughts, I just feel so lonely and still in shock I don't know how I have got this far without going mad, I just wonder how my mental health compares now with then before it happened,

chosen · 21st January 2015, 08:46 PM

I think it will help you ralf. Its like you have got stuck.

ralfgarnett · 21st January 2015, 09:16 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by chosen

I think it will help you ralf. Its like you have got stuck.

I know, it feels bad and I'm scared about it, I just feel so scared when I even try to think of the future and she doesn't seem to be part of it, I just really struggle to think that I even have some kind of future without her, for nearly 20 years it was always us as a couple then out of no where its over and I have no say in it, we really loved each other so much I just don't understand chosen I just don't.

notDoneYet · 22nd January 2015, 07:58 AM

Morning Ralf. Hope you are feeling a bit better this morning. I'm not sure if this is going to help you in any way but have you ever looked into the 5 stages of grief? You see, the breakdown of a relationship as special as yours is like a death to you. Going by your posts you are somewhere between stage 3 and 4. I'd look that up if I were you. It may help you gain a bit of perspective. There is life after marriage mate and you will be ok.

chosen · 22nd January 2015, 09:58 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by ralfgarnett

I know, it feels bad and I'm scared about it, I just feel so scared when I even try to think of the future and she doesn't seem to be part of it, I just really struggle to think that I even have some kind of future without her, for nearly 20 years it was always us as a couple then out of no where its over and I have no say in it, we really loved each other so much I just don't understand chosen I just don't.

Only she knows why she did it, and I wish she had been honest and told you, but she didnt and you have to accept that its over.
I couldnt see any future after my marriage ended either, but eventually after 6 years I did meet my present husband and as you know we are very happy together 10 years down the line.

As notdoneyet said, its a grief, just as if she had died, in fact worse in some ways because she chose to end the marriage, and it takes a lot of time to get through it and out the other side.

ralfgarnett · 27th January 2015, 11:34 AM

Struggling badly today, woke up around 6am and had a panic attack for a couple of hours, I just lie there unable to do almost anything at all, just tghoughts of what if and what happened flying round in my head, I try to tell myself to stop, I try breathing excercises, I try to get back to sleep but nothing worked, I feel angry and cheated by it because my bed is my safe place and more and more these panics are happening, today I feel rough because of my disturbed nights sleep, I am trying to do my work but my concentration is almost zero, when oh when do I start to feel better ?, I just cant get the thopughts out of my head sometimes and its wearing me out, I am back at the GP this afternoon and I am going to tell him about this and see if there are any other tablets I can take to help me

chosen · 27th January 2015, 12:37 PM

Get a paper bag and when this panic attack starts, breathe in and out of it a few times calmly holding it over your mouth and nose, and gradually it will subside.
Dont fight it or let it make you panic more, but just let it flow over you. Please also stop yourself thinking of all this, do all you can to take your mind off it and train your mind not to dwell on things that you cant change. So, once the initial panic attack has subsided(after you use the bag) have a book by the bed and read that for a time until you get sleepy again. Or listen to the radio for a time.
If I am awake at night thinking or worrying about stuff I often read and it calms me down.
Lying there thinking/worrying/fretting will only make you feel worse.

ralfgarnett · 27th January 2015, 01:09 PM

hi chosen it is making me feel worse, I keep trying to tell myself I have no control over the situation but it makes no difference, I am at the dr this afternoon again I will talk it over with him, I also start CBT on tursday so hoping that will help me make a difference, I just feel so lost chosen so empty so devoid of anything, I cant remember that last time I laughed or even felt slightly happy I just want the pain to go away feeling exhausted just trying to piece things together its so tiring I just wish god would do all he can to help me get better.

ralfgarnett · 27th January 2015, 05:36 PM

I think I am just having a bad day looking forward to bed time I just hope I get a good nights sleep, I resent having my sleep disturbed because of what she did to me, bed is my safe place where I can be me and relaxed, anyway the GP has increased certain medications and prescribed me sleeping tablets, also dear chosen I know this might be a daft question but does it matter what size the paper bag is ?, I have one here from the chemist this afternoon but its not very big.

chosen · 27th January 2015, 07:02 PM

No it doesnt matter, as long as it will take a breathe in and out. It actually does work, I used to use it many years ago when I got panic attacks.
TRy the reading thing as well if you like books.

chosen · 27th January 2015, 07:05 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by ralfgarnett

I think I am just having a bad day looking forward to bed time I just hope I get a good nights sleep, I resent having my sleep disturbed because of what she did to me, bed is my safe place where I can be me and relaxed, anyway the GP has increased certain medications and prescribed me sleeping tablets, also dear chosen I know this might be a daft question but does it matter what size the paper bag is ?, I have one here from the chemist this afternoon but its not very big.

Just read this.

when you have a panic attack you hyperventilate, which means you increase the oxygen concentration in your blood and blow off all your carbon dioxide. The decreased levels of carbon dioxide (termed hypocapnia) cause some of the physical symptoms you experience in a panic attack, such as pins and needles in your hands and feet, tingling around your mouth, and dizziness.

If you breath into a paper bag (it doesn't have to be brown, just paper!), you are inhaling the air you have just breathed out, so you're breathing in air which has a higher concentration of carbon dioxide and a lower concentration of oxygen than regular room air. This helps to balance the levels of oxygen and carbon dioxide in your blood stream, which relieves the physical symptoms mentioned above.
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