Help My wife says she is in love with someone else

[notDoneYet]

Hi curo2

I feel your pain my friend. I really do. I’m going through something similar myself. I got the ‘I love you but I’m not in love with you’ speech as well and the guys on here have been great.

All I can offer you is my experience if you are willing?

First, you need to understand what your wife is going through. Mine is in exactly the same place and there is even a name for it. It’s call limerence. You should google it if you haven’t already. I tell you this not so you can shove it under your wife’s nose, please don’t do that. She won’t see it that way and she won’t appreciate it. It’s for your benefit.

Now, you say you love your wife and want her back? I love mine as well but I can tell you this. I’ve learned very quickly that the arguing, shouting tears and blaming won’t do you any favours. None whatsoever. All you are doing is giving her more reasons to want to leave you for the other guy. The posters here are correct, he won’t hang around. My wife’s toy boy didn’t either. And it’s a lonely place being the only spouse in a partnership that wants to save the relationship. You aren’t beyond repair just yet although it may feel like it so here’s what I did/am doing.

First, be prepared for the long haul. There is no quick fix here. It took quite a while for your wife to reach this place. She’s been through and emotional paradigm shift but she didn’t include you in that journey. The infatuation is a symptom of something deeper.

Can the fighting. It’s not helping. I know you want to lash out and that’s ok because you want her to understand how much she’s hurting you but you’re doing more damage than good.

Second, slap on your happy face. The more you’re around her moping and pouting just makes you unattractive. Women like confident men and I bet right now you don’t look confident or attractive to her so sort that out. I know I don’t feel very confident right now inside but to look and talk to me you wouldn’t think it.

Own it. For the time being this is your problem. Your wife has done many bad things but I’m willing to bet you have as well. I know I did. Perhaps without realising it you weren’t fulfilling her emotional needs? Perhaps taking her for granted? Not romancing her? I don’t know, mine was all of them plus an unhealthy relationship with alcohol. Only you will know what these are but I do know that women need to feel safe, secure and loved by their men. The time for her to face her part in this has still to come, but this is not the time.

Don’t do harassing the other guy. Stay away from him. Firing warning shots across his bow is ok, letting him know the damage he has caused but other than that don’t be a detective. It’ll just sap all of your energy and trust me my friend, you need all your energy for other things right now. Once he knows the damage he’s caused leave it at that.

Get your confidence back. Try and be happy. So go out with your pals, go do whatever recreational things it is that you enjoy. Get fit, actually I really recommend this one. Since this happened to me I’ve been doing a lot of exercising and it really does help focus the mind and keeps me calm. My point is that only you can control your happiness. Make sure you don’t lose control around your wife. Let her see the confident you again. And if it does get tough at home, get out for a bit. Go for a walk or something (hint, stay away from the pub, alcohol won’t help you but it will make it worse).

Don’t talk about it to your pals and bring down your wife. Trust me, this one I’ve struggled with. Your support network will all rally around you and want to protect you from the hurt you are feeling right now. Although this may give you some comfort all that is happening is that your wife feels even more isolated, and that’s just another reason for her to want to leave you so don’t go disrespecting her to your friends and family. This happened in my case, and even when trying to explain the complexities (because there always are) to my friends they won’t listen. As soon as people hear that there is someone else involved they stop listening to anything else.

Don’t keep bringing the subject up with your wife. Yes, that’s correct, don’t talk about it. If she wants to talk about it then please by all means talk to her. Don’t be distant in any way. Talk to her about normal things if you can and try to be as normal as possible but for now don’t bring up this subject. Trust me, after a while she will want to talk about it because she will be wondering what you are thinking. And when you do talk about it be calm, rational and don’t for goodness sake start telling her how much you love her ect. This I found difficult to wrap my head around but if you think about it how well has communication worked for you so far? I’m willing to bet none.

Be tough. Your wife is going to attack you emotionally for a while because she wants you to leave, don’t be a walkover but also don’t let her get to you. If she says things like she wants more space then fine, ask her how ‘SHE’ can achieve that. Right now she feels smothered by you so back off for a bit but if she needs space then she can go find it.

Don’t leave. This is the worst thing that you can do. Stall for as much time as you can. Tell her this is a big shock and you have a lot to work out, or whatever works for you. I know you probably want to please her and would appreciate the space yourself but that’s the worst thing you can do. If she wants to leave like you say, then don’t support that just as the other posters have said. Between Christmas and New Year I was almost out the door as it was getting too much for me, but now things have calmed down quite considerably in my house. Separation is just a trial divorce.

Don’t beg. For God’s sake don’t beg. This is the most unattractive thing you can do to a woman. She will just see you and weak and pathetic. The secrete to all of this is to get her to see the Alpha male she fell in love with in the first place and right now she doesn’t see him.

Get a grip of your anxiety. One minute you will see signs of improvement in your wife then the next she’s pushing you out the door again. This will happen mate, but you have to deal with it. And when you do see signs of improvement keep your cool. Don’t think you’re out of the woods because you aren’t, not by a long shot.

Don’t keep telling her how much you love and worship her. I did this and it had the exact opposite response I expected. Instead of feeling loved she felt smothered. I believe its actions that will win the day, at least that’s what I’m trying.

Forgive her, and by that I don’t mean tell her that you forgive her for anything so she’ll take you back. What I mean by that is don’t allow the resentment take over your thought process. It’s difficult when there is another man involved, good God how I know that but don’t let it consume you. The time for her to face up to her part in this will come later.

When you fall off the horse, and you will just get back on it again. You will lose it from time to time, and so will she but that’s just a blip. Get back to your plan and it’ll be ok.

When it comes to the ‘legal advice’ you have been given I’d take that with a pinch of salt. You seem to have gone from A to Z in one giant leap. As far as I know unless you are acting illegally to your wife and/or kids (i.e. physically or mentally abusive) there isn’t anything she can do to extract you from your home and I hope that’s not why social services are involved. Yes, if you do get divorced she probably end up with the family home but you are a long way from that just yet so stay calm.

Now, I’m not an expert here, and my marriage is still on the rocks, but I’ve stuck to this plan and over time things have slowly improved. We’re not fighting anymore and she’s not pushing me out the door. Having said that, I’m still fully aware that this may all fall apart at any moment now.

Good luck

Hello

Thanks for the posts guys. Social Services are involved because I went to the school and told them what was happening. She had told me he takes cocaine so I was worried. She called the police on me because I shouted at New Years. So that didn't help. But I have never been violent and they went away. I am struggling with the arguing part. She is making me so cross she is upsetting the children so much and can't see it. I'm not perfect I did try to help her emotionally but I didn't get through. I have definitely begged too much. I will try to stop this. Thanks for you kind words.

[chosen]

She called the police because you shouted?? Good grief. I bet they were pleased. IT may be best if she did move out and left the children with you for the time being if she is acting so badly.

[notDoneYet]

Originally Posted by curo2

Hello

Thanks for the posts guys. Social Services are involved because I went to the school and told them what was happening. She had told me he takes cocaine so I was worried. She called the police on me because I shouted at New Years. So that didn't help. But I have never been violent and they went away. I am struggling with the arguing part. She is making me so cross she is upsetting the children so much and can't see it. I'm not perfect I did try to help her emotionally but I didn't get through. I have definitely begged too much. I will try to stop this. Thanks for you kind words.

I've been there mate. Fortunately I never had the police called on me but close. Remember to a female you are a big scary guy. So take it from someone who was where you were not so long ago and calm down. It's not worth it. Trust me dude. Get yourself out with your mates for a bit. Get out of the house and give yourself a break. Re read my original post and try it out. Even for your own sanity. I thought I was loosing it as well but now I'm on top of things. Even if it doesn't work out with my wife I still need to carry on. Good luck mate.

I am wondering now if she had limerence for me and has just fallen out of love with me as a result. She chased me hard at the beginning and used to hero worship me.

I can really shout if when I lose it. I never go any further. It does scare me a bit where it comes from. But it was an over reaction. I thought that she was playing some game but I think she just doesn't know what she is doing.

Sorry forgot to say she is now refusing to move out.

[notDoneYet]

Originally Posted by curo2

I am wondering now if she had limerence for me and has just fallen out of love with me as a result. She chased me hard at the beginning and used to hero worship me.

Curo2, trust me mate. No woman has 3 kids with just limerance. She still loves you mate. It's just your job now to reminder her why she was attracted to you. Big difference. You see, she's questioned her relationship with you because she's been through a process. Having been there I can tell you it's no fun but it started with her loosing respect for you. I'm in the same boat so I'm not having a go. She did this probably, like me weren't being a man. Mabe a bit needy? Too clingy? Do you complain about your job and don't do anything? No motivation? I know the feeling mate. The only way to be with your wife is confident. You need to become a man again. As did I.

[notDoneYet]

Originally Posted by curo2

Sorry forgot to say she is now refusing to move out.

There is your chance right there dude. Re read my original post. Make a promise to yourself to stop talking about it. Stop moping about and get your happy face on. Even if you have to scream into a pillow before talking to her it doesn't matter. With her you are now Mr cool.

[notDoneYet]

Curo2, Ive sent you a PM.

Thanks really useful

[ronnoco]

I think there is some brilliant advise here from notDoneYet - really good stuff. I agree with what you say, especially the bit about she probably lost respect for you. I think that was very true for my case actually.

Do whatever YOU feel in your heart is the best thing to do for the situation is my advice.

Thanks for your help with everything guys. I just hope I haven't left it too late and made too many mistakes now.

[notDoneYet]

Originally Posted by curo2

Thanks for your help with everything guys. I just hope I haven't left it too late and made too many mistakes now.

It's never too late to try, and even if it doesn't work you need to sort yourself out mate. You have some hard times ahead of you. I'd think about counseling if I were you. I did, and it really helps.

[ronnoco]

Don't think of anything you have done as a mistake.

Remember, it is never OK to go outside of your relationship to solve problems within a relationship.

Don't try to make sense out of nonsense. Rationalizing your cheating spouse's behavior or sympathizing with her is pointless.

It's not your fault.