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16th February 2015, 02:41 PM
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#676
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Registered User
Join Date: Aug 2009
Posts: 5,794
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Re: I really don't know what to do! Help needed please
Well I guess that all you can so it to trust her unless you have proof that she isnt as committed to this as you are. You are giving a lot of your life and energy to this hope of getting back together, so of course you are rather anxious.
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16th February 2015, 03:42 PM
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#677
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Registered User
Join Date: Jul 2014
Posts: 345
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Re: I really don't know what to do! Help needed please
Quote:
Originally Posted by chosen
Well I guess that all you can so it to trust her unless you have proof that she isnt as committed to this as you are. You are giving a lot of your life and energy to this hope of getting back together, so of course you are rather anxious.
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Being a family and a husband again is all I want. I regret how I acted in the past so much. There's not much more can do than just wait and see what happens between us.
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16th February 2015, 06:18 PM
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#678
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Registered User
Join Date: Aug 2009
Posts: 5,794
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Re: I really don't know what to do! Help needed please
Yes and I hope that she will be willing to make some sort of a commitment soon. it cant be easy to get back together after such a long long separation, as both can get used to their own independence and not being accountable to the other.
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16th February 2015, 06:32 PM
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#679
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Registered User
Join Date: Jul 2014
Posts: 345
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Re: I really don't know what to do! Help needed please
Quote:
Originally Posted by chosen
Yes and I hope that she will be willing to make some sort of a commitment soon. it cant be easy to get back together after such a long long separation, as both can get used to their own independence and not being accountable to the other.
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I hope so too. she has shown that she still in some way wants to try for the marriage. It's just this trust issue which is the key. After last evening I'm thinking maybe I need some sort of help. In a way it's a chance to start again and already she talking about things in a way she never did when we were together. I see lots a positives but I just need that chance to really prove that we can make this work.
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16th February 2015, 07:33 PM
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#680
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Registered User
Join Date: Aug 2014
Posts: 2,076
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Re: I really don't know what to do! Help needed please
Quote:
Originally Posted by UkGuy
I hope so too. she has shown that she still in some way wants to try for the marriage. It's just this trust issue which is the key. After last evening I'm thinking maybe I need some sort of help. In a way it's a chance to start again and already she talking about things in a way she never did when we were together. I see lots a positives but I just need that chance to really prove that we can make this work.
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UKG your panicking because your anxious to get the result you want, look mate you have been doing so well just take it easy and don't put too much pressure on yourself or your wife, just keep doing what you have been doing fingers crossed you will get what you desire.
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16th February 2015, 08:14 PM
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#681
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Registered User
Join Date: Jul 2014
Posts: 345
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Re: I really don't know what to do! Help needed please
Quote:
Originally Posted by ralfgarnett
UKG your panicking because your anxious to get the result you want, look mate you have been doing so well just take it easy and don't put too much pressure on yourself or your wife, just keep doing what you have been doing fingers crossed you will get what you desire.
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It's weird but I have these bouts of whatever you want to call it every few weeks. I talk to my wife about it what she calls it in a joking way of my time of the month. We chat and I go over the same things, I get reassurance and then things are ok for a few weeks and then the cycle starts again. Imo it's not helping and it's not nice for her to keep going things, it can't be good for us going forward. I'm now thinking about getting some help to try and stop this mess I'm doing!
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16th February 2015, 09:22 PM
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#682
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Moderator
Join Date: Dec 2006
Posts: 6,409
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Re: I really don't know what to do! Help needed please
I've noticed the pattern on here UKGuy. You have to be patient.
I figure the trust is growing slowly but will never be tested to the full until you are back in the husbands position with her. What is happening now is that the trust is being re-built but there will still be a risk for her to ask you back in. The trust can only be built so far in the present circumstances and I believe that is happening. As I said trust takes time to build once it is lost.
There will come a point where she will have to risk it and commit. I think you will both know that time. As things are improving at present the more time goes on you are on the right track. I don't personally think she is using you with no intention of commitment. There are no signs there that she is in my opinion. She probably does want to trust you and that is why she is open to all the contact you have been having but obviously it cannot be forced.
I'd keep working on the relationship as you are doing. It is difficult to set a date as we cannot read her mind but at the moment the right thing is to continue what you are doing.
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16th February 2015, 09:28 PM
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#683
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Registered User
Join Date: Aug 2009
Posts: 5,794
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Re: I really don't know what to do! Help needed please
You are all talking as if he cheated on her. Its been 2 years and it wasnt as if he even did much wrong in the first place. Small matters like this need to be worked out within the marriage, you cant separate every time something like this comes up, or the children will be a mess. Its been 2 years, what more does she need
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16th February 2015, 10:00 PM
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#684
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Registered User
Join Date: Jul 2014
Posts: 345
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Re: I really don't know what to do! Help needed please
Quote:
Originally Posted by Raymond
I've noticed the pattern on here UKGuy. You have to be patient.
I figure the trust is growing slowly but will never be tested to the full until you are back in the husbands position with her. What is happening now is that the trust is being re-built but there will still be a risk for her to ask you back in. The trust can only be built so far in the present circumstances and I believe that is happening. As I said trust takes time to build once it is lost.
There will come a point where she will have to risk it and commit. I think you will both know that time. As things are improving at present the more time goes on you are on the right track. I don't personally think she is using you with no intention of commitment. There are no signs there that she is in my opinion. She probably does want to trust you and that is why she is open to all the contact you have been having but obviously it cannot be forced.
I'd keep working on the relationship as you are doing. It is difficult to set a date as we cannot read her mind but at the moment the right thing is to continue what you are doing.
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Thanks Raymond. Your posts really help me
I will try to be patient and keep going even though I do get frustrated sometimes.
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16th February 2015, 10:06 PM
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#685
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Registered User
Join Date: Jul 2014
Posts: 345
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Re: I really don't know what to do! Help needed please
Quote:
Originally Posted by chosen
You are all talking as if he cheated on her. Its been 2 years and it wasnt as if he even did much wrong in the first place. Small matters like this need to be worked out within the marriage, you cant separate every time something like this comes up, or the children will be a mess. Its been 2 years, what more does she need
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I done loads wrong, I made life very stressful and hard for with my controlling and possessive ways. If things were on the other foot I wouldn't jump back in a relationship without knowing things could and will change eg revert back to my old ways. I guess that's what's taking the time as she doesn't want this to be a on / off relationship. I agree with what Raymond says, if makes more sense in terms of how I feel and what my wife is like.
Thanks for your comments chosen, always appriecated.
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17th February 2015, 12:06 AM
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#686
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Registered User
Join Date: Aug 2009
Posts: 5,794
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Re: I really don't know what to do! Help needed please
However wanting to know where your spouse is going and who with isnt being possessive and controlling, its a normal part of being married. We would never go out and not tell the other where and who with. Not wanting your spouse to go on holiday with a group of single people is also normal for a married person. Would she have wanted you to do that or to go out and not tell her where you were going and who with? Would she want you going on holiday with a group of guys without her?To me she seems more like the jealous one from what you have said in the past.
I am worried that you will be hurt more, I hope that I am wrong. I think she will struggle with wanting to reunite after so long acting as a single person yet having you at her back and call. I sincerely hope that it works for you in the end after so long. I admire your patience. If a man rejected me for 2 months let alone 2 years, I wouldnt lower myself to wait endlessly just in case one day he 'may' feel like coming back.
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24th February 2015, 10:46 AM
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#687
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Registered User
Join Date: Jul 2014
Posts: 345
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Re: I really don't know what to do! Help needed please
Quote:
Originally Posted by chosen
However wanting to know where your spouse is going and who with isnt being possessive and controlling, its a normal part of being married. We would never go out and not tell the other where and who with. Not wanting your spouse to go on holiday with a group of single people is also normal for a married person. Would she have wanted you to do that or to go out and not tell her where you were going and who with? Would she want you going on holiday with a group of guys without her?To me she seems more like the jealous one from what you have said in the past.
I am worried that you will be hurt more, I hope that I am wrong. I think she will struggle with wanting to reunite after so long acting as a single person yet having you at her back and call. I sincerely hope that it works for you in the end after so long. I admire your patience. If a man rejected me for 2 months let alone 2 years, I wouldnt lower myself to wait endlessly just in case one day he 'may' feel like coming back.
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Let's hope things do work out for the best. We spent the whole weekend together and had some nice family time. Last evening we were texting loads and messaging about old holidays and things what we done. Things seem to be getting better slowly.
She sent me a picture message today with a quote on it and text "saw this and thought of you" the quote was "if there are no ups and downs in your life it means you're dead"
Not sure what to make of that?
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24th February 2015, 02:22 PM
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#688
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Moderator
Join Date: Dec 2006
Posts: 6,409
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Re: I really don't know what to do! Help needed please
Keep doing what you are doing is my advice UKGuy.
With regard to the quote. To me it is reconciling to the past problems but saying we are not done yet. It reminds me of the quote that only live fish swim upstream. All dead fish can do is float downstream, so keep working at it. I do sense progress every time you write.
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24th February 2015, 09:48 PM
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#689
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Registered User
Join Date: Jul 2014
Posts: 345
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Re: I really don't know what to do! Help needed please
Quote:
Originally Posted by Raymond
Keep doing what you are doing is my advice UKGuy.
With regard to the quote. To me it is reconciling to the past problems but saying we are not done yet. It reminds me of the quote that only live fish swim upstream. All dead fish can do is float downstream, so keep working at it. I do sense progress every time you write.
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It was just a bit of a random thing as she's never done anything like that before. I'm hoping it does refer to "us" though. Sometimes I wish she would just say it rather than sending a me a picture of a quote saying, seen this and thought of you...
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24th February 2015, 10:11 PM
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#690
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Registered User
Join Date: Aug 2009
Posts: 5,794
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Re: I really don't know what to do! Help needed please
You are allowed to ask her what she means, she is your wife after all, and honest and open communication is so important.
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