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Old 6th February 2015, 12:35 PM   #1
idunno
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What should I do?

Hi

I have been married for 14 years and we have a 5 year old child. We have also run a business together for the past 11 years.

To begin with, since our daughter was conceived in Nov 2008, there has been no further intimacy - more than 6 years now.

Since her birth the marriage has just become non-existent and stale, I feel like I have been cast aside. My wife would disagree, argue against or just simply ignore anything I had to say or suggest regarding our daughter. She now also undermines me in front of our daughter, to the point where our daughter disrespects me and will tell me to shut up or say "I am not listening", knowing that I cannot say anything as her mother will back her. I have become more and more frustrated, angry and withdrawn, to the point where I developed depression.

I told her about this and I was going to try and get some help. Her response was "Prove it by killing yourself, as this is what people with depression do". I did get counselling but it has not really changed anything. She now at every opportunity calls me crazy or insane because I have had counselling.

My wife has also said in arguments that my daughter does not love me or need a dad, and she has also repeated this directly to our daughter. Here a few other things she has said:
1) I convinced her to breastfeed so that I did not have to get up and feed our daughter when she was a baby.
2) She is the reason our business is a success (despite we both work equally hard and bring different attributes to the business).
I could go on and on, but I do not want bore people.

I have suggested marriage counselling and other tactics but she refuses to admit there is anything wrong and says counselling is only for weak people. I want so hard to keep this marriage together, mainly for the sake of our daughter. I really do not understand what has turned my wife into this person? In an argument yesterday she said to me "you are not normal, you have a twisted view of everything.
You do not ever show any human emotion to me, no appreciation, no kindness, only cold, anger or rage - and you say I am cruel?"

I know most of the time these are simply words but there must be some underlying thought behind them. Am I taking things said to deeply and should I just forgive and forget and move on? But this still does not resolve the constant blocking me out of my daughters life and the lack of intimacy.

I really do not know where I am or what I should do? I know most people will tell me to divorce but in my current mental state I do not think I can handle this.
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Old 6th February 2015, 01:24 PM   #2
chosen
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Re: What should I do?

TO be honest she is emotionally abusing you, and the fact that she has already driven you to depression and told you to kill yourself is appalling, and seems more than enough reason for you to at least separare until she agrees to get help. She is messing up your daugher terribly, I feel for her and her future attitude to men with a mother like that.
Withholding sex for 6 years is also cruel and appalling, and preventing you from being close to your daughter is horrible.

What did the counselor say about all this?
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Old 6th February 2015, 02:55 PM   #3
idunno
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Re: What should I do?

My counsellor advised me to exercise and get involved with a hobby to make myself feel better about myself. She also advised to work in separate offices and therefore get time apart from one another. We do not spend much time alone together anyway. I watch TV on my own every night and she slept in my daughters bedroom on the floor for 6 months and then in the spare room for another 6 months (she has only just started sleeping in same bed again after asking her several times), so I am practically living like a single man anyway.
The reasoning was that if I felt better about myself and could show she was not affecting me then her attitude may change towards me. It is trying to make that transition that I am finding difficult though given the on-going situation.
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Old 6th February 2015, 04:05 PM   #4
Raymond
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Re: What should I do?

I agree with Chosen. This is an apalling situation. One would think that she is trying to push you out of the marriage, out of being a father and out of any intimacy with her, which is already the case. One can wonder why she married.

What were things like before your daughter was born?
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Old 6th February 2015, 07:12 PM   #5
StarryD
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Re: What should I do?

It almost instantly (from what you have said here) gave me the impression she used you as a means to have a child. You run a business together so are financially secure and have a family unit for her to exist within.
Telling you to go and kill yourself is a disgusting thing for a spouse to say to their significant other, what was your response, if any, to this?
She is alienating you from being a part of your daughters upbringing and emotionally abusing you whilst encouraging your daughter to have a lowly opinion of you, as it seems she herself does.
Did she just suddenly change after the birth of your daughter, were there signs before that she was this way at all?
It doesn't sound like she wants any of your influence whatsoever over this child, only her own.. Which in the long run is going to do massive amounts of damage. It's unhealthy for a young girl to view men the way your wife is encouraging her to view and treat you.
Quite frankly I don't know how you have put up with this kind of emotional abuse for 6 years from someone who clearly has no empathy or outward love toward you at all, especially since she is adamant she will not go to any kind of counselling.
I believe every marriage is worth fighting for but there is only so much fight inside a person when it is one sided. I think your best bet is to at the very least have a separation from this woman, from what you've said I find it highly unlikely she'd be willing to grant you any kind of personal access to your child so if you have to, involve a lawyer. Get legal advice, find out your options regarding the business and home, make sure you look into where things will stand regarding your daughter as you are entitled to as much access as your wife is. Then maybe you can salvage some kind of relationship with your daughter and let her see what a good man is before her mind has been poisoned for life.
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Old 6th February 2015, 09:04 PM   #6
idunno
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Re: What should I do?

Generally my relationship with my daughter is very close. I love her to bits and I believe she loves me too. It is only when it comes to trying to discipline, setting boundaries etc. that I have no say as her father. This is the main reason I have not walked out, because I love my daughter so much and do not want to leave her alone with her mother.

Before she was born our marriage was like any other, we had our ups and downs but overall there was no major concerns. When we started the business I did feel like I had been pushed down the ladder. She has never had any hobbies so the business was like her major interest. Then when our daughter came along it was like her very own hobby had arrived and that's when I got completely pushed to the bottom of the ladder. Our daughter is like an obsession to her - she has admitted she wants to give our daughter everything she didn't have as a child (for example she currently spends more than £300 a month on toys, iPad apps, games etc.).

I didn't say anything when she told me to kill myself - if anything it just made me more determined to try and do something about it, although it has stuck in my brain and something I can never forget.
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Old 6th February 2015, 10:46 PM   #7
chosen
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Re: What should I do?

Quote:
Originally Posted by idunno View Post
Generally my relationship with my daughter is very close. I love her to bits and I believe she loves me too. It is only when it comes to trying to discipline, setting boundaries etc. that I have no say as her father. This is the main reason I have not walked out, because I love my daughter so much and do not want to leave her alone with her mother.

Before she was born our marriage was like any other, we had our ups and downs but overall there was no major concerns. When we started the business I did feel like I had been pushed down the ladder. She has never had any hobbies so the business was like her major interest. Then when our daughter came along it was like her very own hobby had arrived and that's when I got completely pushed to the bottom of the ladder. Our daughter is like an obsession to her - she has admitted she wants to give our daughter everything she didn't have as a child (for example she currently spends more than £300 a month on toys, iPad apps, games etc.).

I didn't say anything when she told me to kill myself - if anything it just made me more determined to try and do something about it, although it has stuck in my brain and something I can never forget.
So on top of everything else she is completely spoiling your daughter. My kids didnt get that many toys in 3 years let alone a month. I think your best bet for your sanity and and for the good of your daughter is to separate and get legal advise and fight for shared access. At least she will have some sanity for half the week. Also keep a detailed copy of all the emotional abuse you have had and carry on having. It may well help when it comes to child custody.
I rarely advise leaving a marriage, but this woman is dangerous both to you and the child. What marriage do you honestly have anyway?
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Old 7th February 2015, 11:55 AM   #8
Raymond
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Re: What should I do?

I think it is a good response to the kill yourself taunt that it has made you more determined to try and do something about it.

It seems as if your wife is spoiling your daughter by giving her lots of stuff and keeping no boundaries. That is classic how not to bring a child up. If you love your child you will battle to reverse this to a more balanced situation. Love considers the future of a child and the seeds being sown will not bode well for your daughter's future.

Undermining a father's authority is not good as she needs a father as well as a mother. If she doesn't submit to good sense I don't really see where things can go except to have a house of continuing contention. One thing is sure the answer is not to lie down under all this. That would be the worse scenario. You need to fight somehow but in a wise way. A wrong anger will not achieve much but a wise strategy will.
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Old 10th February 2015, 10:47 AM   #9
idunno
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Re: What should I do?

Thank you everyone for your responses. Having read back what I had written I have questioned myself as to why I put up with this. Whereas separation would seem the logical answer (and one I have thought about often), there are two main reasons stopping me from doing this.

1. I worry for the safety and well being of my daughter. This comes from when she was a baby and my wife argued and disagreed with me about the correct way to strap her into her car seat. Whereas I wanted the belts to be tight (allowing enough room to get your hand in-between belt and baby) my wife preferred them to be loose so that she was comfortable.

2. My wife is Chinese and has threatened on several occasions to take my daughter to China, meaning I would probably never see her again.

There are times however when my wife acts like she loves me and talks about the future. I am not sure if this is just a trick or if she really means it? I and nobody else who I have spoken to can really understand what her goals are and why she does and acts the way she does. Maybe it is some kind of on-going post-natal depression - who knows?

I think the only answer is to dig really deep and try to ignore the negative comments and situations, try and have some influence on my daughter, and accept that this will never be the marriage I was hoping it would be but to adapt so that I can at least be a happier person.
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Old 10th February 2015, 01:00 PM   #10
chosen
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Re: What should I do?

This is why you need legal advise, She cant take the child out of the country if she is forbidden by law, and you can fight for joint custody. If there is one thing I hate, its a parent who uses the child as blackmail and for threats against the other parent.

Depression doesnt make you cruel or mean as she is.
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Old 10th February 2015, 03:02 PM   #11
Raymond
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Re: What should I do?

To me the car seat represents a picture of where you are at. You want it tight and safe and she wants it loose because she thinks the child is uncomfortable. To me it suggests that she has a background of over the top strict rules which she is rebelling against and sees laxity as the answer against this, when the answer is in the middle somewhere. Really you would balance each other out if she was not so headstrong for her own way. She has an independent spirit in the wrong way when marriage is a joint thing. Has she an orphan background? This can sometimes produce an independent spirit in the wrong way.

Also she has a wrong view of what marriage is. The best start her child can have is to have parents are in unity and who love each other. This fracturing will bring nothing but trouble. How to get it across to her is the question.
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Old 11th February 2015, 11:02 AM   #12
idunno
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Re: What should I do?

She was not an orphan but was brought up most of the time by her grandmother, as her parents were away a lot.

Regarding the law against taking her out of the country, yes I have already had legal advice about this. Although it is illegal, there is nothing I can do if she goes to the airport and gets on a plane without my knowledge. Trying to go through a legal process to get my daughter returned, especially dealing with China, is like trying to scale Mount Everest in a wheelchair. I can take my daughters passport and have already negotiated with the passport office not to issue a copy without my signature, but fake passports are very easy to obtain nowadays.

Hence why I would prefer to always be around my daughter and keep an eye on what is happening.
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Old 11th February 2015, 11:07 AM   #13
chosen
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Re: What should I do?

Quote:
Originally Posted by idunno View Post
She was not an orphan but was brought up most of the time by her grandmother, as her parents were away a lot.

Regarding the law against taking her out of the country, yes I have already had legal advice about this. Although it is illegal, there is nothing I can do if she goes to the airport and gets on a plane without my knowledge. Trying to go through a legal process to get my daughter returned, especially dealing with China, is like trying to scale Mount Everest in a wheelchair. I can take my daughters passport and have already negotiated with the passport office not to issue a copy without my signature, but fake passports are very easy to obtain nowadays.

Hence why I would prefer to always be around my daughter and keep an eye on what is happening.
However if you have a breakdown what use will you be to her? If she has to live in this awful situation for good, what good will that be for her?
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Old 11th February 2015, 08:56 PM   #14
Raymond
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Re: What should I do?

I think the only answer is to dig really deep and try to ignore the negative comments and situations, try and have some influence on my daughter, and accept that this will never be the marriage I was hoping it would be but to adapt so that I can at least be a happier person.



I think the above is not a bad option for now. Try not to get down though and hold your own. As Chosen said a breakdown would not help. Maybe you can get through to her somehow but I wouldn't enable the unkind and selfish behaviour she is exhibiting. You could encourage the good when you see it. It might just break her hardness.
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