just found out husband is having an affair need help

there is 1 thing you have gotto think about and thats what you want, do you want to be with your h or dont u? i know that is a weird question but it is simple, if you answered yes you want to be with him then you wil have to at some point forgive, im not saying its easy or even that you forget or forgive right away but its a start

if this is what you want then you must first have a talk about why things got this way, try and sort it out, if you know what went wrong then you can change it. hopefully so it wont happen again.

youll need to work on your trust issues too cos all trust has been broken.this is v.hard i know. your husband will have to help you with this one by being truly open and honest with you. again you need to have that talk with him


the thing to remember is you cant change what has happened, so all the crying and screaming will not change a thing. work out what it is you want then get it. (you only have one life)

if your sitting reading this thinking what the hell does she know, ive been there, (ok not exactly full on affair but an affair non the less) and what i realised was that i loved my h very much and didnt want to be without him in my life, so we are now both working on our maariage, its not been easy but then what in life is?? hes trying,im trying, there are still trust issues but we will get there

[Raymond]

Thats good advice. If it is not to end everything depends on what his attitude is now. If he is truly sorry and wants to regain the trust it might work. Only you will know that Coolicrumble.

Raymond

I thought I would give you an update on what has been going on. The ow went and reported my husband to his work for what he has done and yesterday they took him in and sacked him on the spot.
I think she did it to punish him and me as he his still at home and we are trying to work through our problems. She hoped i would throw him out and he would go running to her. He has plead with me to talk and take it slowly which I am at the moment. My anger has calmed quite a bit and I do not wish him dead but I still want him to suffer which I know he is.


I still don't know where our long term future lies.
He went out to look for work as soon as he heard.
I could easily do the exact same to her work and get her sack but I am not stooping down to her level and trying to be the better person (which is very hard).
Thanks for all your support I will keep you posted if there is any more developments.

[Raymond]

Coolicrumble when I said let him suffer for a while it was to stop you going in and picking up the pieces too soon. The point of the suffering is to bring about repentance. It is not something you do. The circumstances will do it for you.

When you say you want him to suffer it should not be out of revenge but in the hope that he will fully repent and put things right. There is a subtle difference. It doesn't mean you should do anything bad it just means you stand back and give it time.

If the repentant signs are there it will mean there is hope and then you may need to start thawing and thinking of forgiveness, but give it the time.

Raymond

Sorry to jump on your thread coolircrumble, but I'm in the same kinda position but it's my wife that's had the affair in my situation. A question to Raymond though, what are the signs of repent?

You say take things slow, can you elaborate on this. It's hard for me to not jump straight back into place, as what I'm continuing to do, is all that I wanted to do anyway. We are not in the wrong here, why and how can we change what we want. I have my ups and downs and I do try to keep my downs hidden although it doesn't really work, no matter how much I try. I understand that if I want our marraige to work that it's wrong to chuck stuff in her face all the time, but surely me chucking stuff in her face isn't making her feel the constant pain that I feel. My wife 'may' know she's done wrong, but it's the fact it was done in the first place that reall gets me down. Am not sure what response, if any, I expect from this, it's just my current feelings I s'pose.

[Raymond]

My answer was personal to Coolicrumbles situation Shaun. Generally though repentance means being sorry enough to do a complete turnaround. It means sincerely apologising to the hurt one or showing by ones actions that you do regret what happened, not just remorse that you got caught. Taking someone back too quickly without this doesn't always work as the one who did it can do it again. Only you will know the truth in your situation.

If your wife is sorry for what she did it will still take some time for the trust to be restored and for your forgiveness to work through, although it must initially be a decision by you. If you have done that it will mean no playback and forgetting it as well, which means you don't keep bringing it up or holding it over her all the time otherwise it is not true forgiveness. Can you see that this is futile without the repentance Shaun?

Raymond

It has now been nearly four weeks since I found out and I do not know how to move forward.

I still look at my h and wonder why he did this to us as a family. I cannot bear him to touch me not even in the passing, and every time I look at him I am reminded that he has been with another woman.
I have never had any other partners as we met when I was sixteen and married at eighteen and I thought we had something so special with each other and he has tarnished all that.

I just do not know how to get over all this.

He keeps telling me he loves me but all I think that he didn't love me enough to stop him having an affair.
He wants us to stay together but I do not know if I can have him back as a husband.
I know I am tormenting myself with going over all the details in my head, but I do not know how to stop.

[JWD]

it must be torture coolircrumble, do you both have any thought on counselling? It's not something that you're going to be able to just stop thinking about so I think counselling for you both would help with how you are both going to deal with the aftermath of this.

I'm not sure I'd want to know every detail, maybe if my husband and I had worked it out but I think if you are going to make a go of it, you need to work out what information you want, why you want it and is it going to benefit the outcome of what you want?

The reason I say this is that I work with a woman who is still recovering from her husbands affair 4 years later. She got every detail down to the colour of pants the woman was wearing and when she tells me about it it's just as fresh today as when it happened. She tortures herself by looking at the other woman's facebook, myspace etc and still accuses her husband everytime he is late home. She feels that she asked too much detail and cannot now get the images out her head. Shde focused entirely on the other woman which is a shame because this other woman has moved on, probably not giving a second thought to the devastation her actions are still causing my friend.

My friend didn't go to counselling so I feel her husband and her are trying to get past it but they no longer have any understanding of how to cope with each others feelings about the affair. She gets angry and tortures herself and he feels guilty and helpless, they end up fighting and it always comes back to why did he do it in the first place. It's a vicious circle.

It's still very early days for you so you will be experiencing all these emotions and thought but I really think counselling will help you channel them properly and help with a solution when it happens.

www.survinginfidelity.com this is a website with helps couples who have decided to stay together, cope with the many questions they have regarding the affair.

It sound like I'm telling you to get over it, I'm not at all, I just don't want you to become like my friend, all tortured and still doubting herself all these years later. That would be tragic. I think it is possible to move on from an affair if that is what you choose to do but you both need to know that things will never be the same again. Your relationship has changed but it can become better than it as before with much patience, understanding and empathy from both sides.

I kinda feel the same way as you do coolircrumble. I really do want to forgive my wife but can't stop thinking about what she's done to me 'and' the ever so deceiftull way she went about doing what she's done. In some respects maybe our cases are not alike as my wife has blatently told me many times that she loves me but she isn't in love with me. I myself demanded to know virtually every detail of the affair as I needed to know the full truth before we could progress in any way forward. I do know she did things with him that she will never ever do with me which hurts me massively. It has been over 3 months for me, but in my head things are no easier than the first day I found out. In a nutshell coolircrumble, all we can do is take everyday as it comes.

Who knows, tommorrow may be better.

[Raymond]

The restoration of trust is the one that takes the time Coolicrumble. Trust takes the longest to be built up but can be broken the quickest. It is extemely important in a relationship. You have been wounded through the trust being broken and this will take time to be restored and that only if there is true repentance on his behalf. He must understand that if this is going to work it will take time. Nothing is automatic. Don't worry too much that you don't feel like a married couple again, that will come if the repentance is there. As I said before he has to suffer through this not because you have spite for him but because it is the consequences of what happened. This will have changed both of you but it needn't be for the worse it can actually be for the better in the long run. Some learn to give value to the right things through their mistakes.

The danger I see is that you may get stuck in limbo land. Either you kick him out or you work through and get to that place where you are jelling together again. Eventually that will take your forgiveness and the ceasing of playback but it is early days yet. These things cannot be forced. Each day something will be happening although you may not be aware of it. Hopefully you will both be moving on from this without realising it. He has to prove himself of course and not make light of what happened which is all part of the repentance process.

Raymond

Thanks again for all your support I don't know what I would do if I couldn't write all this down.

JWD I can actually see myself being like your friend in years to come so I am going to try and work on not being like that although right now I don't know where to start.

Shaun I cannot believe that some one is feeling the exact same as me and my heart goes out to you as I know everyhting that is going on in your head and that you are torturing your self like I am.

Raymond you inspire me to think what I want in my life whither it be with my husband or alone with my girls

thanks agin x

Coolicrumble I feel the same some days and then other days i feel I am moving on. It is 8 weeks now since I found out he had been seeing the OW for almost 12 mths on and off (although he still denies its that long) . I looked at the table tennis table we bought for ours son birthday the other day and burst out crying thinking he was wishing he was with her whilst we were buying our sons present. It is so hard and people who havent been through it with someone they truly love cannot understand the pain and hurt we feel inside. I too have asked for many details (why I dont know) what makes it harder for me that my H seems to be mopeing and wanting to be with her (he says he doesnt but im not convinced) at least your H wants to talk, I just wish mine would but he gets quite snappy when I bring things up, try and work through it if thats what you really want and remember you are not alone with the support on this site. xxx

[JWD]

Originally Posted by Helpless

my H seems to be mopeing and wanting to be with her (he says he doesnt but im not convinced)

helpless, I've read about this in this site. divorcebusting.com

I can't find the article but there was something about how they do mourn the loss of their relationship with the ow/om. A hard pill to swallow but it does go a little way to explaining their selfish behaviour. Sometimes I think I'm sick in the head because I actually felt a little sorry for mine, actually had empathy for him when it looked like
his little friend wasn't playing ball


I wish I could help you all. xxx

[Johnee S]

Crush nailed it spot on, he will most likely blame you for all the failures of what drove him into the arms of another woman. Don't buy into it. Push him out for yours and your daughters sakes. Having him there will be hard on you and the girls will definately be affected by it. Trust me like you and Crush my W cheated on me twice. 16 years down the drain, but you know what? That was her choice and she has to live with that the rest of her days.

I am strong, confident, and moving on. I have nothing holding me back from anything but my own limitations and my own self defeating thoughts. I choose to cast them away because I prefer to go forth head strong and head high. I will not allow her to take away my power over my own life and find someone who will love and appreciate me for me when I am ready to ddo so. In the meantime I will live for me and my kids. She sleeps on the couch and I hate her being here. I wish she would just leave already. She expects me to leave and take care of the home and kids but she's done nothing to show me she can. So when it comes time for one of us to go if she cannot take care fo the home and kids, expenses and all, she can leave. I am giving her until oct 15th to show me she can do this.

Well my h had to go away to work for 4 weeks so he is only coming home now and again although he has been phoning every morning and every night.
I thought the break from each other would do me good but since he has left all I seem to do is cry and go over in my head every thing that has happened.
I keep it together when the girls are at home but that is about all. I have stopped sleeping and eating and it seems like it was when I first found out. I was hoping that I would be able to think clearer now that I am on my own but it is worse.

I told my h when the 4 weeks are up we had to make a desicion on whether he moves out or we work at our marraige. I am still so confused, angry and completely heart broken for what he has put our family through. I don't seem to have moved forward at all in five weeks.

thanks for all the support that you have all given me and all your advice is very very much appreciated