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Old 8th May 2009, 09:37 AM   #1
Christian
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Smile Can Divorce be Amicable?

My wife of 19 years has told me she wants a divorce (to let me know our marriage is over) and is going to have some fun in her life. She has made it clear this involves looking for a new love, a fact that is very evident to me.

I'm thankful for all the threads I have read on 2 in 2 1, it has helped. One of my failings is that I have been too leanient in accepting her single lifestyle for a while now, and that my wife is taking advantage of this is staying in our home until a suitable offer becomes available to her (she cannot finance herself the life she wants). A part of this facade is an amicable seperation, which I strongly desire to enable me to spend as much time as possible with our daughter. I'm looking for the '180' and 'divorcebusting' sites mentioned on 2 in 2 1 to educate myself into positive behavious towards my impending divorce (and to be truthful with myself, also hold on to a little hope we can be reconcilled - for our daughters sake).

Can divorce be amicable? Cracks are already appearing in civility. My face must have shown my hurt when my wife left for work dressed to kill informing me she would be working late. The response I received was to accept it and not try to give her grief otherwise she would move far away with our daughter. I must qualify for an Equity card (actors union) at the moment. I treasure each moment with our daughter, yet remain hurt at the lies, deception and current actions of my wife.

Does anyone have any experience of 180, Divorce busting, any other sites or advice that will help move forward rightously and in a positive way?
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Old 8th May 2009, 12:57 PM   #2
Raymond
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Re: Can Divorce be Amicable?

I've never had a divorce Christian so I don't have that experience and will leave that to others.

I can't help noticing that your wife is now manipulating you using the daughter. I can't think that having a daughter with her will be a big draw for any man she seeks. You have certain rights I am sure.

I think you are right, you have been too lenient in accepting her single lifestyle Christian. I remember mentioning it to you before. You have to nip these things in the bud at the beginning. There is another case like this on here where I have advised the same thing.

I can't help thinking you want an amenable divorce because you want to keep in touch with your daughter. Good desire but I hope you are not grovelling about this and being manipulated through fear. You can be civil but you should not let her manipulate you.

Raymond
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Old 8th May 2009, 07:51 PM   #3
jjjj_jjjj
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Re: Can Divorce be Amicable?

You need to man up and stop funding her "single life".
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Old 8th May 2009, 08:38 PM   #4
JWD
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Re: Can Divorce be Amicable?

I think it can but only if both agree that it's for the best. It's difficult to be amicable when your partner lies, commits adultery and tries to pull fast ones with the legal side but I'm trying. It's easier just to deal with the lawyers though, my H is so greedy that I don't think I can even look at him he so disappoints me and shocks me actually. Anyway, I think you just get so sick and tired of the whole thing than one side just says fine and leaves with their sanity. I'll look back and not be ashamed of my behaviour nor will I feel I have cheated or be cheated. Just refuse to get into slanging matches with her.

I used 180 and it's very good. It's about turning your whole attitude and behaviours around. Do the opposite of what you normally would or your partner expects you to do.

DivorceBursting.com is a good site, lots of support. Divorce remedy is a great book book too. all the techniques are designed to help you recover too no matter what the outcome is.

Maybe you do need to be a bit stronger and not let her walk all over you but don't give yourself a hard time for being a nice person and remember it's all still a shock for you.

My problem was my husband didn't man up to his first wife and now I bare the brunt of that LOL.

You know and she knows what is right and acceptable so just go along with what is comfortable for you.

Best of luck
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Old 9th May 2009, 01:08 AM   #5
Flubber
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Re: Can Divorce be Amicable?

Hi Christian,
You have to stand up for yourself and not let her walk all over you. As difficult as it sounds "she's gone" and the quicker you come to terms with this the better for you.
She knows that she is in control and can dictate how things are going. It;s time for you to turn the tables and live your life for you and your daughter. It hurts so much to let go, but believe me once you do this, it is a very liberating experience.
The thing that I have discovered the most on reflection is that my wife did not deserve to be in the ivory tower i placed her in. Love is so blind and can really distort your belief system of a person.
If your wife is happy to disrespect you and your daughter in this way, then let her go. Find happiness within yourself or with someone else who isn't prepared to put their own emotional needs ahead of everyone elses.

Good luck to you mate, remember there is still a joyous life to live and that you can share it with someone meaningful
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Old 9th May 2009, 05:20 AM   #6
georgie
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Re: Can Divorce be Amicable?

I'll let you know when mine is sorted. Hopefully they allow me to access this site from Jail! (just kidding).
I think when one person is being totally selfish it makes it difficult. You need to look after yourself. You have rights as far as your daughter is concerned. Here in Australia a woman recently lost custody of her children for bath mouthing their father to them. You are as much a parent as your wife - she does not get to dictate and use them as a bargaining chip against you.
If your W has certain lifestyle aspirations above and beyond her rightfult entitlements then it is entirely up to her to figure out how to finance them HERSELF!
You deserve better, your daughter deserves a better model. Manipulation is not a skill that should be taught 24/7.
I'm being very judgmental - sorry if I'm over stepping the mark. I guess I'm jaded with all the selfish people in the world. We are all capable of being selfish, but some people just take it to the extreme and I have so had it with them all. On this site alone you see all the wonderful people suffering as a result of their selfish behaviour.
If you're being treated badly, set boundaries and don't let it continue.
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Old 9th May 2009, 07:52 AM   #7
Christian
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Re: Can Divorce be Amicable?

Thanks for all your responses. You all make sense and have even given me a smile. I sure have some personal reflection to undertake in establishing my way forward and I'm sure truth will set me free. Maybe we can 'turn the other cheek' too much. I smile as I type this.
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Old 9th May 2009, 08:24 AM   #8
Raymond
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Re: Can Divorce be Amicable?

You are starting to get the point Christian. As jjj says you need to man up and stop funding her single life. It's nothing to do with turning the other cheek. I think you are getting confused here. Anyway there is a difference in turning the other cheek and letting your wife walk all over you, use you, manipulate you and go out to do adultery all at your expense and a turning of the other cheek. You have got your doctrines mixed up somewhere. I am not trying to work you up to anger I am saying that you should get a grip of the situation and use your authority to bring her into line. This is one situation where you can do that I feel. Once she meets someone and forms an attachment it will be too late. If your daughter started stealing for instance would you turn the other cheek. I think not.

Raymond
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Old 9th May 2009, 12:06 PM   #9
Christian
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Re: Can Divorce be Amicable?

I am now seeing more clearly then I have for a while. My visits to this site have helped clear the facade I have been instrumental in co-producing with my wife. That hurts, or is embarassing in itself, and yes, I intend to positively man up. My daughter needs the best role model possible in her dad, and I need to be happy with myself too.

Many Thanks
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Old 9th May 2009, 04:07 PM   #10
Raymond
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Re: Can Divorce be Amicable?

Thats the talk Christian. Passivity is not a virtue in the christian life but boldness is. However you need God's wisdom in knowing what to do. I do not say you should go out and beat the air.

I think a good place to start will be to stop funding this lifestyle. Presumably she is spending your money to do it. Cut it off where you can and don't be manipulated. She is your wife not your master. She shouldn't be allowed to act in this way while she is under your roof and looking to flirt with other men. You are the only one in a position to stop her. Try and see what is behind it and deal with it. You will have a battle on your hands so be ready for it, but at the moment anything is better than passivity.

Raymond
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Old 13th May 2009, 12:50 PM   #11
Christian
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Re: Can Divorce be Amicable?

Well, have talked the talk and am now walking the talk. Looked at the 180 principles on divorcebusting site and found them to make sense. I think they would be relevent to most people, irrespective of the outcome they desired to see. For me, my focus is on my own health and my daughters wellbeing, and using the 180, (not as in acting out so much, but taking their values for moving forward), I certainly feel alot better. My domestic and working lives were very different, now I have a ballanced and positive outlook consistantly.

My wifes actions still hurt me, and I take that as a sign my commitment and feelings in the past have been true. Our seperation is so far (yes early days, I know) amicable. Maybe this is because she has a lifestyle she thinks she wants and considers herself to be in the driving seat, although my positive outlook, care in my appearance and the fact I'm getting on with living have produced some pleasing results in my wifes reactions. But yes, I am incontrol of my life again.

If she's 'gone', then let me get on with my life. My time with our daughter is currently excellent without restriction (guess children get in the way when your er dating) and I love every minute. If she is still thinking about which direction she wants her life to go, then she will see the best of me to help her make that choice. As for me, my increasing confidence and enjoyment with life peaking with greater frequency, so as the days pass I feel our seperation may well be a blessing. I will never return to our previous 'life'.

This is an excellent site, with some wonderful people bringing it to life. Wether you have added to this thread or are a poster elsewhere, thank you all.
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Old 13th May 2009, 01:06 PM   #12
Raymond
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Re: Can Divorce be Amicable?

That's really great Christian. I think you are in a good position now to face what you need to face. You sound like the head instead of the tail now.

Raymond
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