Is looking cheating

I have been with my wife for 13 years and married for 6. I know every woman gets a little jeolous over the fact that there are beautiful woman still left in the world. I love my wife very much. I have never cheated on her in any way. She has had an affair on me, but that was while we where engaged and I got over it.

The last couple of years this problem has escalated beyond belief. My wife considers the fact that I may look at other woman as cheating. These fights we have get very very heated. I have tried everything I can think of to try and work through this. Even doing the things she asks.

She sais, if I would just tell her woman that I thought where attractive that she would be fine. Or just tell her that I atleast seen some during the day. I am a truck driver. I did this and it wound up just turning into weapons that she could beat me with later. I felt that every time I would say something, it was like handing her a knife so she could stab me in the back with it. She is relentless over this.

She checks the computer to see if I am looking at woman on line. I am litterally on egg shells in my own home. I am worried about turning on the TV when she is not around, I can't go to the store on my own(When I get back there will be a fight) go on the net. She wants me to quit my job and go back to working in a factory again(no windows.) I love my job.

To me, it's really a stupid issue. As I said, I love my wife. I don't want to divorce, but I am getting to that point. We did do marriage counceling but I was forbaid from bringing this subject up. Then the councelor made me feel like I was the reason for all of our troubles.

What do I do? I am going insane!

Hi,

It's obvious your wife has some major trust issues, but I would go one step further and suggest there may be serious control and self esteem issues as well. When you say you look at other women, does it get to the point where you get lost in fantasy land? Do you say offhand comments about attractive women when they pass by?

My Ex was also very jealous, even though I had never done anything even close to betraying her trust. Ironically, she was the one who ended up having an affair and destroying our family as a result. It's interesting you mentioned your wife's pre-marital affair. I've often wondered if the people who are most paranoid about cheating are the ones who have the greater capacity to do it!

It's too bad about counseling. I think a lot has to do with the particular counselor and I wouldn't necessarily give up if you can find another voice. In particular, I think there may some deep-rooted negative thought patterns in your wife that need to be addressed.

Ultimately, you'll need to talk this out one way or another. Something's got to give as this tension will eventually break both of you. As hard as it may be, try not to lose your temper as this may be seen as getting defensive as if you've got something to hide. Let her know how much needless anxiety and hurt this is causing and try to determine why this has escalated so much. Maybe a nice weekend away in a relaxed setting to discuss this would help?

I wish you all the best.

Disbelief

[Liz]

Hi there

Negative behaviours are very destructive to a relationship. Why not have a look at the article here and perhaps use it as a discussion point with your wife. Admitting what you do wrong in this area may enable her to face up to her faults.

The other side of tne coin is that relationship satisfaction is improved by the positive things we do. Have a look here and here for some tips.

There is also an article on trust here which may be of help. I think Disbelief's point is a good one about people who are most anxious about cheating may be the ones who are more likely to do it themselves. If your wife knows how easy it is to cheat she may feel very insecure about how easily it could be done to her. It's very easy to put over our way of responding to the world onto others.

Liz

Oneggshells,

I think some jealousy is normal in a relationship (although not all of us give in to it!) but what you are describing here isn't. Normal, that is. I find myself wondering if you did anything in the early days of your relationship/marriage to make your wife feel this insecure? If not, I don't think indulging her paranoia is helping her. Indeed, you have done everything she has asked of you and her demands are becoming more and more extreme. If I were you I would stop indulging her and start challenging her behaviour.

Your wife needs to understand that while you are her husband, you are not her possession. She cannot lock you in a box and only let you out under close supervision. In a normal marriage, people do not need permission to look out of windows. And your wife needs to trust you to remain faithful. Yes, the world might be full of beautiful women and you may well look at them but looking isn't the same as cheating. Looking doesn't mean you are going to go off with any of them.

You need to have a frank discussion with your wife. Let her know how her demands make you feel. Tell her that you want more marriage counselling and this time, you want to talk about this issue. I really get the sense that this is crunch time for you and your wife needs to know exactly what's at stake if she doesn't stop these ridiculous demands. It would be difficult to remain married to someone who has such obvious trust issues and I would make no bones about it.

At the moment, my take on the situation is she is calling all the shots - and you are not happy about it. Let her know you are not happy about it and tell her exactly what you want from your relationship from now on. That is, a marriage based on trust, freedom and honesty. If she cannot give you this/refuses to go to marriage counselling to deal with her trust issues, you will need to make a tough decision about the future of your marriage. Whatever decision you make, ensure she knows that you did not want things to get to the point they have reached but you really feel you have no choice if either of you are to be happy in the long term.


Helen