Site Areas
Wedding Centre
Health Club
Marriage Clinic
Chapel
University
Citizen's Centre
Coffee Shop
Admin Centre

Contents
Articles
Books
CDs / Videos
Tips
Services

Resources
Forums
Membership
Contact Us
Site map
Link to Us

Search

Take the Couple Check-up!

Marriage Week UK

Marriage first aid

Online support for your marriage

Free Tell A Friend from Bravenet


Home > Forums
2-in-2-1 Discussion Forums  
Old 3rd August 2006, 09:38 AM   #1
Ivory
Registered User
 
Join Date: Aug 2006
Posts: 6
I lost my direction.....

Here is my story...

Me and my husband know each other since college. I would consider that we grow up together. we have tonnes of happy memories. The past 10 yrs (5 yrs of marriage life) can be consider as a happy relationship. After we got married my husband never fail to come home for dinner. We go everywhere together. Everything seem so well. But Sad to say when i am in a comfort zone i did not treasure things properly.

2 yrs ago we started to play online games. We spent so much time on our own computer without realising that it was not a healthy life. In other people eyes we are like a perfect match who can even share a common hobby. We never disturb each other during the game time and we can go on for hours and hours without communicating to each other. But the true fact is we started to live in our own world. To recall things i think we even neglected our sex life.

I stop my computer addiction 5 months ago because i have a company to run and i have a 2 1/2 yrs old son to take care. Thank to the feeling of the need to be responsible i woke up. Unfortunately my husband did not. After he got bored with his online game he started to chat in some forum. He can spent the same among of time in the forum like he spent in an online game just to chat with people. I start to complain that he neglected me. But nothing change. I told myself i was once in his position i have no rights to complain. Thus i just accept the fact that he is still in his computer world.

Real problem strikes us 3 weeks ago after i came home from my business trip. My husband told me he is going to die soon. He say he have made a group of people in the forum angry and these people is threatening to take his life. I go through all the reasons he told me then i realise he brought his computer life into his real life. These was no solid and real threat happenning. He fantasize the whole thing. I was patient the first 3 day then i become very very stress. I start yelling at him telling him that please come of your on dream world. He go down by 2 size in two weeks worrying someone will harm him and his family even after several people highlighted to him that he is fantasizing the whole drama.

One week ago he came home suddenly confessed to me that he when prostitute to try to release his stress. He told me that he was sorry. He said he didnt know how to make himself feel better and he was so lost so he lost his judgement and he did a wrong thing to hurt me and our family. He want me to know it because he doesnt want to lie to me. He say he want to be fair to me he dont want to pass me any disease.

My life turn up side down the very moment. All the happiness we build up the past 10 yrs was suddenly all gone. I dont understand why he can sacrify my happiness just to make himself feel better. He keep asking me to forgive him but i couldnt bring myself to believe that he actually love me at all. How can he love me but choose to sacrify my happiness?

Suddenly everything changed. I am like living with a person who dont love me but want my present. As for him, he dont know how to face me now. He only know how to say sorry.

So lost i dont know what i can do to make myself happy again..... How can i live with such a husband? i dont know.... Should i forgive him? i dont know.... If i forgive him, Can i find back the same love and happiness we use to have like before? I dont know....

All i know now is that i didnt treasure him enough. We neglected each other during the game time and started to live in our own world.

Sad.................................

Last edited by Ivory; 3rd August 2006 at 11:09 AM.
Ivory is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 4th August 2006, 07:04 PM   #2
Kate
Moderator
 
Join Date: Feb 2000
Posts: 1,115
Re: I lost my direction.....

Dear Ivory

It sounds as though your husband regrets what he has done. Perhpas he has woken up from his addiction to the internet and his unreal world and recognised what he could lose. Unfortunately many of us make mistakes, and we do need each other's forgiveness. It will take time to forgive him and for the pain of betrayal to ease so you can trust again, but I do encourage you to try to go down that route if you can.

I have put in some links to some articles that I hope will give you something to think through.

With best wishes

Kate
Kate is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 4th August 2006, 10:09 PM   #3
markus
Guest
 
Posts: n/a
Re: I lost my direction.....

Quote:
Here is my story...

Me and my husband know each other since college. I would consider that we grow up together. we have tonnes of happy memories. The past 10 yrs (5 yrs of marriage life) can be consider as a happy relationship. After we got married my husband never fail to come home for dinner. We go everywhere together. Everything seem so well. But Sad to say when i am in a comfort zone i did not treasure things properly.

2 yrs ago we started to play online games. We spent so much time on our own computer without realising that it was not a healthy life. In other people eyes we are like a perfect match who can even share a common hobby. We never disturb each other during the game time and we can go on for hours and hours without communicating to each other. But the true fact is we started to live in our own world. To recall things i think we even neglected our sex life.

I stop my computer addiction 5 months ago because i have a company to run and i have a 2 1/2 yrs old son to take care. Thank to the feeling of the need to be responsible i woke up. Unfortunately my husband did not. After he got bored with his online game he started to chat in some forum. He can spent the same among of time in the forum like he spent in an online game just to chat with people. I start to complain that he neglected me. But nothing change. I told myself i was once in his position i have no rights to complain. Thus i just accept the fact that he is still in his computer world.

Real problem strikes us 3 weeks ago after i came home from my business trip. My husband told me he is going to die soon. He say he have made a group of people in the forum angry and these people is threatening to take his life. I go through all the reasons he told me then i realise he brought his computer life into his real life. These was no solid and real threat happenning. He fantasize the whole thing. I was patient the first 3 day then i become very very stress. I start yelling at him telling him that please come of your on dream world. He go down by 2 size in two weeks worrying someone will harm him and his family even after several people highlighted to him that he is fantasizing the whole drama.

One week ago he came home suddenly confessed to me that he when prostitute to try to release his stress. He told me that he was sorry. He said he didnt know how to make himself feel better and he was so lost so he lost his judgement and he did a wrong thing to hurt me and our family. He want me to know it because he doesnt want to lie to me. He say he want to be fair to me he dont want to pass me any disease.

My life turn up side down the very moment. All the happiness we build up the past 10 yrs was suddenly all gone. I dont understand why he can sacrify my happiness just to make himself feel better. He keep asking me to forgive him but i couldnt bring myself to believe that he actually love me at all. How can he love me but choose to sacrify my happiness?

Suddenly everything changed. I am like living with a person who dont love me but want my present. As for him, he dont know how to face me now. He only know how to say sorry.

So lost i dont know what i can do to make myself happy again..... How can i live with such a husband? i dont know.... Should i forgive him? i dont know.... If i forgive him, Can i find back the same love and happiness we use to have like before? I dont know....

All i know now is that i didnt treasure him enough. We neglected each other during the game time and started to live in our own world.

Sad.................................

its simple really .... you both messed up and its time to put things right
starting firsts by switching off your pc's and concentrating on each other -
you need to disconnect from an unreal world for at least 6 weeks and then decide afterwards if you really need such a distraction in your lives
you will feel better and begin to understand where you went wrong

  Reply With Quote
Old 5th August 2006, 08:27 AM   #4
Ivory
Registered User
 
Join Date: Aug 2006
Posts: 6
Re: I lost my direction.....

Thanks alot to both Kate and Markus.

After this big lesson i start to realise married couple need to work 2 times harder as compare to dating couple to be able to secure each others heart and love. Both have to play a part to keep the love growing. Yes every couple understand this too but some couple just like me will anyhow for different reason tend to neglect their partner without even realising it. Worst when things like this happen.

I dont know why i start to blame myself for being part of the creator of this sad story. I start to feel like i have not done enough to prove my love to my husband which lead him to find some other way to release his unbearable stress. I regret what i havent done enough to keep our fairytale love story live forever. I know even if i can forgive and understand what leads to this sad story i still wont be able to forget it. To me i know is gonna be a scar that will live in my heart for the rest of my life. I dont think i can be a able to feel i am the luckiest women in the world anymore.

Only until now i fully understand the statement - Treasure whatever u have now before is too late.

*Sigh*
Ivory is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 7th August 2006, 05:27 AM   #5
Ivory
Registered User
 
Join Date: Aug 2006
Posts: 6
Re: I lost my direction.....

The past few days i turn from an impatient person to a very patient person. Never even cross me mind that i can be so patient. Instead of crying helplessly like the first three days, i took the courage to help my husband to go through his depression. I took one week off to spent time with him to find back our lost love and to make him feel better over his depression. Yesterday he is much better. I am really happy for him but unfortunately i suddenly feel that he is a very selfish person. Even after hurting my feelings he would still only care about his own problem without realising that i am crying in my heart everyday. I dont understand how he can pretend like nothing ever happen before. The only thing he talk about is how ashame he is about himself getting so hooked up with the computer. I dont understand why person with not much financial problem can get himself so messy. He doesnt even have any interest with his job now.

P/s: Being to comfortable in our life might be a good thing when you dont know how to control and enjoy it properly.
Ivory is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 7th August 2006, 10:33 AM   #6
Liz
Moderator
 
Join Date: Jul 2001
Posts: 662
Re: I lost my direction.....

Dear Ivory

Well done for taking the decision to try adn help and support your husband. However might I gently suggest that it may take more than one week for your man to sort himself out and that while he is doing that he may not be very considerate of the effect it is having on you. You may have to give him a bit more time to become considerate and able to return your generous love.

Also a gentle challenge to your motives here. Why not ask yourself, "Did I decide to help my man because I love him whatever it costs or did I do it because I want him to realise what he has done to me?"

I hope that one of these days he will realise how he has hurt you, but in the meantime, you will only be able to persevere in supporting him if you are doing it for his sake without expecting his love in return. If he is genuinely depressed, for example, he won't be very concerned about anyone else for a while. Do you think he needs to see a doctor?

Hope he contines to brighten up

Liz
Liz is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 11th August 2006, 11:27 AM   #7
Ivory
Registered User
 
Join Date: Aug 2006
Posts: 6
Re: I lost my direction.....

Thanks alot Liz. Your word "well done" mean so much to me. When i read your post on the 7th August, I was so happy. That simple word gave me a big encouragement. I told myself marriage is a life time commitment. I should not give up on my marriage so easily. "Out of millions of man i found him and choose him to be my partner to walk the rest of my life". I told myself, this cannot be a coincident. God match us together so now is up to us to make it last forever.

Four days past, i realise saying things is very easy but making it happen is very hard. I see my husband behaving weirded and weirded each day. On 8th me and my husband plan to go on a short trip to see the sea and the sunset. This place i name is as P is one and a half hour away from our house. We started the journey happily hoping that we will have some fun time. Unfortunately, half way to P my husband pull over the car and started to tell me that he is still very worry some people (as in a group) will harm him and his family and of cause a lot more other people how are close to him too. I when speechless immediately. All that came into my mind is that the incident is like 4 weeks ago. I thought he has gradually recover from that self imaginated drama of his. He looks ok the last night and in the morning too. Really shock me knowing that he is still so disturb by the same old story that happen a month ago which nothing has happen at all. Worst thing is when he start telling me about his story in the same time he is also reminding me of his visit to prostitute to release his stress.

Sitting there hoping things can change to be better i hide all my sad feeling. Instead of giving him more stress about how i feel, i try to explain to him again that nothing has happen so he shouldnt stay in his story anymore. I try all sort of approach to explain to him. I even try to tell him that maybe devil is jealous of us being close to god so he is creating all this coincident that make him worry. After that talk he seem to feel a little better. We got back into the car and carry on our journey.

That was the worst trip i ever had in my life. We miss the turning to the place P and was force to drive for an additional of 1 hour to U-turn back. During the way back we pass the place P again. I told my husband i wanna really go there for a walk. My husband reply me that he is too tired to drive and he does not want to drive all day. I was speechless again. He was the one who invites me to go for the trip. I thought the trip was for both of us (not just for him) to take a break from the city. Everything change the very moment when he decided not to go. I sleep all the way home without talking much cause i cant hide my feelings anymore.

That night he started walking up and down again. He didnt sleep the whole night. The only thing i saw him doing in smoking.

9th morning- i woke up ask him y he didnt sleep. He told me nothing. He reasure me that it might because by the coffee he took during the day. He took leave again the very day but i when to work. After work i when home thinking that i should not talk too much to stress him. I keep all the conversation very simply. Before sleep i ask him did u have a good rest in the noon. He answered me "no". He told he couldnt sleep much without knowing that i saw him sleepless the night before. I dont know how to help him i just sleep by his side hoping that he can get a good night sleep. Unfortunately, i saw him sleepless again.

10th morning - i woke up with stress seeing him torturing himself. It was not because of financial problem neither was it that he is jobless nor was it someone very very close to him passaway. I continuously ask myself what is his actual stress. I cant answer that. I start to panic... not knowing what i should do. I bought him back to his parents telling him that i wanna see his parent. I told his condition to his mom but keeping the prostitute thing a secret. When we are at his mom's place his mom will constantly give me instruction - telling me to presuade him to do this or that (for example drink a hot milk before sleep or bath before going to bed). Everytime i get the blame. He will start staring at me when he feel like he dont wanna do even if i tell that it was his mom instruction. After awhile he will pretend nothing happen before. Deep down in my heart i feel so sad and depress. I was suppose to be a helping hand. I can even sacrify my pain to help but in return i get such treament from a husband i knew for 10 yrs. He never stare at me before he never treat me like this before. Only in a month time he change to be a different person. So sad.... The mom gave him a sleeping pill to sleep that night. Thank god i see him sleep longer that night.

11th morning - he followed me to work saying that he wanna be with me. In my office he sat on my sit for 2 hrs doing nothing. I could not stand seeing him doing nothing i fetch him home. On our way home i ask him why you keep acting this way. I told him he should go to the doctor. Then he reply "no" he dont need. I ask him does he want me to leave him alone so that he can calm down?. He gave me a silly laugh..... I ask why he laugh? He answer because what i say.... we never talk to each other for half hour after that then he suddenly he say "some people can be very fake". I ask him what does he mean. He say nothing. I dont know how to understand his words as the is only 2 people in the car. I he is not talking to me then who is he talking to????....

Today i start to feel more miserable. I dont know how to talk to him, i dont know how to respond to him, worst is i dont even know how to face him. With all my sadness in my hard i am trying so hard to hide it away from everyone. But whenever he scold me or stare at me for something i didnt do wrong i will feel very very bad. I start to ask myself does this man ever love me at all. Why cant he realise that his wife is sad of what he did?

Now i pray god to shine a light on me and tell me why am i still here cause i myself cannot answer this question. Am i here cause i love him or something else? If i am here because i love him then why cant i stand the treatment from a depressed person and take whatever he did so personal? I am like a lost sheep not knowing what i can do will lead me to a brighter day. Would leaving him be the best option since i keep feeling that he does not love me enough? But if i leave wouldnt it be a waste. We have been like a heaven made couple the past 10 yrs.

So Sad why can a person change over night into a totally opposite person......
Ivory is offline   Reply With Quote
Reply

Thread Tools
Display Modes

Posting Rules
You may not post new threads
You may not post replies
You may not post attachments
You may not edit your posts

BB code is On
Smilies are On
[IMG] code is On
HTML code is Off

Forum Jump


All times are GMT +1. The time now is 10:50 AM.


Powered by vBulletin®
Copyright ©2000 - 2024, vBulletin Solutions, Inc.


Top

Copyright ©1999-2024 2-in-2-1 Limited. All rights reserved. Disclaimer