Re: I lost my direction.....
Thanks alot Liz. Your word "well done" mean so much to me. When i read your post on the 7th August, I was so happy. That simple word gave me a big encouragement. I told myself marriage is a life time commitment. I should not give up on my marriage so easily. "Out of millions of man i found him and choose him to be my partner to walk the rest of my life". I told myself, this cannot be a coincident. God match us together so now is up to us to make it last forever.
Four days past, i realise saying things is very easy but making it happen is very hard. I see my husband behaving weirded and weirded each day. On 8th me and my husband plan to go on a short trip to see the sea and the sunset. This place i name is as P is one and a half hour away from our house. We started the journey happily hoping that we will have some fun time. Unfortunately, half way to P my husband pull over the car and started to tell me that he is still very worry some people (as in a group) will harm him and his family and of cause a lot more other people how are close to him too. I when speechless immediately. All that came into my mind is that the incident is like 4 weeks ago. I thought he has gradually recover from that self imaginated drama of his. He looks ok the last night and in the morning too. Really shock me knowing that he is still so disturb by the same old story that happen a month ago which nothing has happen at all. Worst thing is when he start telling me about his story in the same time he is also reminding me of his visit to prostitute to release his stress.
Sitting there hoping things can change to be better i hide all my sad feeling. Instead of giving him more stress about how i feel, i try to explain to him again that nothing has happen so he shouldnt stay in his story anymore. I try all sort of approach to explain to him. I even try to tell him that maybe devil is jealous of us being close to god so he is creating all this coincident that make him worry. After that talk he seem to feel a little better. We got back into the car and carry on our journey.
That was the worst trip i ever had in my life. We miss the turning to the place P and was force to drive for an additional of 1 hour to U-turn back. During the way back we pass the place P again. I told my husband i wanna really go there for a walk. My husband reply me that he is too tired to drive and he does not want to drive all day. I was speechless again. He was the one who invites me to go for the trip. I thought the trip was for both of us (not just for him) to take a break from the city. Everything change the very moment when he decided not to go. I sleep all the way home without talking much cause i cant hide my feelings anymore.
That night he started walking up and down again. He didnt sleep the whole night. The only thing i saw him doing in smoking.
9th morning- i woke up ask him y he didnt sleep. He told me nothing. He reasure me that it might because by the coffee he took during the day. He took leave again the very day but i when to work. After work i when home thinking that i should not talk too much to stress him. I keep all the conversation very simply. Before sleep i ask him did u have a good rest in the noon. He answered me "no". He told he couldnt sleep much without knowing that i saw him sleepless the night before. I dont know how to help him i just sleep by his side hoping that he can get a good night sleep. Unfortunately, i saw him sleepless again.
10th morning - i woke up with stress seeing him torturing himself. It was not because of financial problem neither was it that he is jobless nor was it someone very very close to him passaway. I continuously ask myself what is his actual stress. I cant answer that. I start to panic... not knowing what i should do. I bought him back to his parents telling him that i wanna see his parent. I told his condition to his mom but keeping the prostitute thing a secret. When we are at his mom's place his mom will constantly give me instruction - telling me to presuade him to do this or that (for example drink a hot milk before sleep or bath before going to bed). Everytime i get the blame. He will start staring at me when he feel like he dont wanna do even if i tell that it was his mom instruction. After awhile he will pretend nothing happen before. Deep down in my heart i feel so sad and depress. I was suppose to be a helping hand. I can even sacrify my pain to help but in return i get such treament from a husband i knew for 10 yrs. He never stare at me before he never treat me like this before. Only in a month time he change to be a different person. So sad.... The mom gave him a sleeping pill to sleep that night. Thank god i see him sleep longer that night.
11th morning - he followed me to work saying that he wanna be with me. In my office he sat on my sit for 2 hrs doing nothing. I could not stand seeing him doing nothing i fetch him home. On our way home i ask him why you keep acting this way. I told him he should go to the doctor. Then he reply "no" he dont need. I ask him does he want me to leave him alone so that he can calm down?. He gave me a silly laugh..... I ask why he laugh? He answer because what i say.... we never talk to each other for half hour after that then he suddenly he say "some people can be very fake". I ask him what does he mean. He say nothing. I dont know how to understand his words as the is only 2 people in the car. I he is not talking to me then who is he talking to????....
Today i start to feel more miserable. I dont know how to talk to him, i dont know how to respond to him, worst is i dont even know how to face him. With all my sadness in my hard i am trying so hard to hide it away from everyone. But whenever he scold me or stare at me for something i didnt do wrong i will feel very very bad. I start to ask myself does this man ever love me at all. Why cant he realise that his wife is sad of what he did?
Now i pray god to shine a light on me and tell me why am i still here cause i myself cannot answer this question. Am i here cause i love him or something else? If i am here because i love him then why cant i stand the treatment from a depressed person and take whatever he did so personal? I am like a lost sheep not knowing what i can do will lead me to a brighter day. Would leaving him be the best option since i keep feeling that he does not love me enough? But if i leave wouldnt it be a waste. We have been like a heaven made couple the past 10 yrs.
So Sad why can a person change over night into a totally opposite person......
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