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Old 14th September 2010, 03:03 PM   #16
Ash78
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Re: How d0 I get my wife back? part 2

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Originally Posted by koliver0821 View Post
Ash, you seeing another woman, even if it is just casual is something I too was astonished to hear. After hearing this, its tough to take serious your conviction towards your marriage.

Maybe I am wrong and perhaps its because your wife has been standoffish. How can you be taken seriously by your wife if she knows this other woman is in your life. Its quite possible that she doubted you ever loved her. Thats why she looked elsewhere. You may not have been there for emotionally. I doubt she told you that. Women rarely ever do. Most people hint around at it. Direct confrontations are not natural in loving relationships. People instantly go on the defensive.

Also, I sincerely doubt her relationship is "friends" only. At the very least its an emotional affair and they are just as damaging as physical affairs are. (Please look in the mirror as well)

Now, getting back to her. My wife said these exact words as well. "why anyone would love me. " It is insecurity. It is guilt as well. She knows what she did is wrong. She doesn't want to hurt you. Sadly this may even be a good sign. The problem is, this is certainly a sign of depression. Its not an excuse of an affair, only something to keep in mind.
I never met this woman until my wife left me and in the three week period where there was no comminication. I have nothing to feel guilty about but I think I will suggest to my wife that we clear the clutter from our marriage and stick with one another.

I am very serious about my marriage. Love is different from freindship very different. I am scared of loosing my wife and will do anything to get ehr back.
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Old 14th September 2010, 03:07 PM   #17
koliver0821
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Re: How d0 I get my wife back? part 2

She wont take it seriously my man. Im telling you. My friend used another woman as a sounding board and until it was fully clear that he wasn't talking to this girl, his wife had no interest in talking to him. I mean NO interest. At the very least, she will justify her actions. (He is just a friend. Your talking to someone else.. etc)
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Old 14th September 2010, 03:18 PM   #18
chosen
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Re: How d0 I get my wife back? part 2

Ash, I would be very hurt if I thought that my husband would start a new friendship with another woman only 3 weeks after we had seperated. It would say to me that he doesnt care about me, if he can be seeing this other lady, even if he said it was just a friendship.
My husband and I did meet when they were seperated, but she was divorcing him, the divorce was well under way, and she wanted to marry this other man asap, so we both knew there was no hope of any sort of reconciliation. (By the way she never did marry.) We didnt get serious until after the divorce.
You on the other hand, are wanting your wife back, and there's no room for another woman in that senario. You may be able to keep her as friends, but what about her? Women have a habit of falling for hurting men and wanting to comfort them.
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Old 14th September 2010, 04:15 PM   #19
Ash78
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Re: How d0 I get my wife back? part 2

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Ash, I would be very hurt if I thought that my husband would start a new friendship with another woman only 3 weeks after we had seperated. It would say to me that he doesnt care about me, if he can be seeing this other lady, even if he said it was just a friendship.
My husband and I did meet when they were seperated, but she was divorcing him, the divorce was well under way, and she wanted to marry this other man asap, so we both knew there was no hope of any sort of reconciliation. (By the way she never did marry.) We didnt get serious until after the divorce.
You on the other hand, are wanting your wife back, and there's no room for another woman in that senario. You may be able to keep her as friends, but what about her? Women have a habit of falling for hurting men and wanting to comfort them.

Point taken I will speak with her tonight, the other woman, and end the freindship. Then tell my wife what I have done and why.
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Old 14th September 2010, 05:51 PM   #20
chosen
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Re: How d0 I get my wife back? part 2

Ash, I really think that is the right decision at this time, if you really want your marriage to survive.If your wife eventually decides to end the marriage, then its up to you what you do, but most of us do need time to recover and heal before a new relationship. Personally it took me well over 3 years before I was ready for another realtionship, but we are all different, and I had been married for 25 years when the divorce became final.
You do need to keep the way open for reconciliation at the moment.
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Old 14th September 2010, 08:54 PM   #21
Ash78
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Re: How d0 I get my wife back? part 2

Chosen
I never really thought about it at the time I was hurting very badly and just needed to get out to meet people. I am normally content with my own company.
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Old 14th September 2010, 10:06 PM   #22
chosen
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Re: How d0 I get my wife back? part 2

yes I know what you mean. When our spouse leaves it is a lonely time,but it can be disastrous to start another relationship too soon. Jim Smoke, the man sho started the divorce recovery workshops and who has counselled many many divorced people, says that is why many second marriages fail, because people get involved too soon and not for the right reasons. He recommend 2-5 years of recovery time.
Do you have male friends or family that you could go out with and spend time with?
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Old 15th September 2010, 01:29 PM   #23
Ash78
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Re: How d0 I get my wife back? part 2

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Originally Posted by chosen View Post
yes I know what you mean. When our spouse leaves it is a lonely time,but it can be disastrous to start another relationship too soon. Jim Smoke, the man sho started the divorce recovery workshops and who has counselled many many divorced people, says that is why many second marriages fail, because people get involved too soon and not for the right reasons. He recommend 2-5 years of recovery time.
Do you have male friends or family that you could go out with and spend time with?
Chosen
I hear what you say but I have not nor will I start another relationship until I know categorically my last one is over. My wife and I are now speaking and there seems to be some self esteem issues raising its head in some of the discussions. I need to follow these up and reassure her that things will be better than before
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Old 15th September 2010, 02:42 PM   #24
chosen
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Re: How d0 I get my wife back? part 2

Ash, in my experience, low self esteem in women is very common these days, with all the pressures on women to look and act and be a certain size, age, type etc. In fact I have found it rare for a woman to have really good self esteem. I think it is especially common when we get to that age where we realise that we are getting older and will never be young again, in men and women. Dont blame yourself for that.

I honestly think that SHE is the one who should be reasuring YOU after her affair and not the other way round, It seems that you feel you need to do all the giving and making things better when it is her that has acted badly. You cant make everything alright. Life isnt like that. No husband or wife is perfect and can meet all of the other spouses needs. They were never meant to. In fact God is the only one who can do that,and we will only ever get good self esteem through discovering how He sees us,and how much HE loves us.
My husband spent 23 years trying to be someone that he wasnt, because his ex wife didnt love him or accept him as he was. It makes for a very miserable and unhappy marriage.

By the way I am just learning all of the above myself, and also struggle with low self esteem although it has improved a lot lately. I do know however that an affair will only make her feel worse, because she will add guilt and shame to the picture. As long as she insists on still seeing this other man, nothing will even begin to improve.
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Old 15th September 2010, 02:51 PM   #25
Ash78
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Re: How d0 I get my wife back? part 2

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Originally Posted by chosen View Post
Ash, in my experience, low self esteem in women is very common these days, with all the pressures on women to look and act and be a certain size, age, type etc. In fact I have found it rare for a woman to have really good self esteem. I think it is especially common when we get to that age where we realise that we are getting older and will never be young again, in men and women. Dont blame yourself for that.

I honestly think that SHE is the one who should be reasuring YOU after her affair and not the other way round, It seems that you feel you need to do all the giving and making things better when it is her that has acted badly. You cant make everything alright. Life isnt like that. No husband or wife is perfect and can meet all of the other spouses needs. They were never meant to. In fact God is the only one who can do that,and we will only ever get good self esteem through discovering how He sees us,and how much HE loves us.
My husband spent 23 years trying to be someone that he wasnt, because his ex wife didnt love him or accept him as he was. It makes for a very miserable and unhappy marriage.

By the way I am just learning all of the above myself, and also struggle with low self esteem although it has improved a lot lately. I do know however that an affair will only make her feel worse, because she will add guilt and shame to the picture. As long as she insists on still seeing this other man, nothing will even begin to improve.

Chosen
I can agree with you but by my very nature I am a very excentric character that can be very hard to live with. I know and accept that she has reached a point where through low self esteem and pressures of our life that she can no longer kkep things together.
I do feel guilty about some of the excentricities that I have inflictec on her. She told me to stop and I didn't listen.
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Old 15th September 2010, 03:03 PM   #26
chosen
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Re: How d0 I get my wife back? part 2

What do you mean by excentric and very hard to live with?After all she made the decision to marry you.
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Old 16th September 2010, 01:02 PM   #27
Raymond
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Re: How d0 I get my wife back? part 2

I think it is good to look at your eccentricity as you call it Ash in case it has affected things. Now you are talking it is worth looking at the ways where it has affected her. Whilst we can all change there are essential parts of us that are just who we are. One doesn't want to change that but we do need to adjust to others in love. Actually although our essential self esteem comes from God there are lots of ways you can be affecting your wife’s self esteem for good.

Do you know what her prime love language is for instance? Has she gone somewhere else to get what you are not supplying? One never justifies affairs but you still need to examine any reasons that may have helped to push her in the wrong direction. Changes need to happen I think. I think it might be a good idea to look at The Five Languages of Love by Harry Chapman just in case you may have missed her love language without which she might not have perceived love in that area.
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Old 16th September 2010, 02:10 PM   #28
Liz
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Re: How d0 I get my wife back? part 2

Just to add that there is an article about Love Languages on the site here.
Liz
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Old 16th September 2010, 02:45 PM   #29
Ash78
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Re: How d0 I get my wife back? part 2

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Just to add that there is an article about Love Languages on the site here.
Liz
Thanks guys I have looked at the love language I am very tactile and love hugging and kissing, I love spending time with my wife but I may have been distant, I love buying her things but never knew what to get cos I usually got it wrong, I told her all the time that I loved her and anytime she asked would help round the house.
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Old 16th September 2010, 02:45 PM   #30
chosen
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Re: How d0 I get my wife back? part 2

Yes it is a good and useful book for any marriage.
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