I hate him so much for what he did and its driving me nuts.

[luce]

Almost 3 months on i have finally stopped crying (1 week now, yay!) but i am so consumed by anger and hatred that it is driving me nuts.

I am furious that my husband had an affair behind my back for months. I am so mad that he gave me no clue that anything was anything wrong right up to the day he came home and made the announcement he was leaving. I hate him for being a bloody great pretender. I hate him for always being so kind and attentive when something else altogether was going on inside him. I hate him for making me believe that he was the sort of upright good guy who would never, ever have an affair yet he did. I hate him for letting me continue to believe that i was truly blessed to be married to my best friend while he was cheating and running around. I hate him for the pile of stupid presents he bought me while he was having the affair. Sleep with mistress and come home and take wife shopping for presents was how it went! What a pig.

I hate him for all the years of financial struggle which we only came out of a couple of years ago and now i am financially back to beginning with one income while him and the mousey girl have 2 incomes and no overheads. I hate him for marrying me when he didnt love me and his head had already probably already been turned by the woman that he is with now (just to clarify we had lived together 16yrs but only got married in August 2008). I am so angry and hurt that he lied to me on my wedding day which was the most important day of my life. I hate him that he was so convincing that i didnt even know it - all i saw standing in front of me was a man that loved me. I hate him, i hate him, i hate him.

I really dont know what to do with so much anger and hate. I journal it, i pound it out down the gym, i scream in the car but it just seems to be growing. I have even shouted some of it at him which didnt help at all because he is so far up his own arse that he doesnt think he did much wrong. So that little exercise just made me angrier.

I hate him for the cruel way he left giving me nothing more than 'i dont love you, i have never loved you, you bore me, i look at you and i dont feel anything, i never wanted to get married and no there definitely isnt anyone else'. He kept saying 'you want the truth, well here is the truth'. But nobody needed to hear those things after 16yrs of being a family. I only really needed to know the truth that he was witholding - which was that he was having an affair and was going to live with another woman.

I was going to send my wedding ring to his new woman with a little note saying 'you might as well have this as it is worthless and always was'. I dont care about her so the idea was to get to him and let him know what a **** he'd been. But my friend pointed out that he is in such a different place to me that he is probably just going to be mildy irritated and roll his eyes and want me to go away. He is not going to see the hurt behind the act at all. I will appear like a mad bunny boiler stalker.

I hate the fact that i am so disabled by my feelings that i can't say anything constructive to either of them. When i have spoken to him i have just lost it and my message hasnt come across at all well and that enables him to justify himself even further. In a normal state of mind i would be able to demolish the little mousey girl but i cant even pick up the phone to her as i start to shake so much even thinking about it. She must think she has got off scott free and she has. And it is awful because she is such a small plain thing that it makes it 10x worse. It is like she has won, she actively pursued my husband (which she did) and she got him. Now i have been beaten by a small mousey girl (although i didnt realise there was any threat or competition at the time - i completely missed the fact she was pursuing him and never would have thought my husband would have done that anyway) .

Anyway the upshot of this long rambling post is that i am so, so angry and so full of hatred that it is consuming me. I am getting so much better, i really am. I am in such a different place than i was. I am also beginning to see that I am a much more amazing person without him in my life. I guess we all need to be appreciated or we start to shrivel and he couldnt have appreciated what he had or he wouldnt have done this thing. But i am so damn angry.

Are people relating to this much anger and hatred? What are you doing to make sure it doesnt eat you alive?

[Hopefull1983]

Hi, firstly can I just say that I am so sorry to hear what you've been through, I had seen lots of your posts but I don't think I had ever read your initial post and, well, I don't know...this really is a cruel world sometimes. It's good to hear that you're getting stronger it really is because when you're able to say those words yourself it is true and strength is what gets us through these seemingly impossible situations. Your anger though is worrying me. Yes, I've been angry at many points throughout the past 6 horendeous months. I've been angry because I don't understand how my husband could just walk away from 9 amazing years together and more importantly his marriage vows on a whim, I've been angry because of situations he's put me through since our marriage broke up, I've been angry because of the hurt and pain I've been caused when all I ever did was love him and give him a happy life, I've been angry for many many many things, however I've never let the anger consume me the way you seem to be doing and I certainly don't hate my husband, I hate what he's done but I don't and don't think I ever could hate him. I had a burst of real bitter horrible anger earlier this week because of a situation I was put in and when I went to see my counsellor she suggested that although she thought it was good that I was finally showing some anger (I had been quite placid throughout my situation prior to this) that I should not let it consume me and use the anger to make that step to break away from the hurt and pain I am being caused rather than it holding me in a hurtfull place.

I think you need to see counsellor and soon to be honest sweetie. It's good to be a little angry, it gets you through the pain sometimes and helps with knowing that you're going to be better off without a man like that in your life, however, the anger consuming you like this is going to make you ill and then...only then will be when 'they've won' and brought you down. You need to honestly start thinking, 'ok, this is a horrible situation but I'm not going to let this/them beat me'. This is the BEST possible thing you can do and think because, it will bring out the best in you and not the worst which is what being consumed by anger will do. You sound like such a beautiful person and from this awful situation you should really find a happiness in yourself and love yourself and hatred and anger are two personality traits that are going to be very hard to love.

Go see a counsellor hun and try and rid of the anger and start moving forwards with your healng because letting the anger consume all of your energy is just going to keep you in one place and the key to this healing process is to constantly keep moving forwards.

Thinking of you and if you need to talk at all message me on here. x

[j92cool]

Dear Luce

Everything you are feeling is totally normal. You will hate for a long as you need to. This will pass when you are ready and not before. If it helps and I doubt it will it has been 12 months for me and I am soon to be divorced. He divorcing me as he is in a hurry to marry again not that I care. ( third time lucky for him maybe) I am just glad he is paying for it .

I am hurt and disappionted at the way my ex left and I think I will always be but I don't hate him anymore. I had a really sh*t year in 2009 but 2010 is looking a bit brighter. I was married for 27 years and now I can say I am happy and free. Free to live a better life even if it is alone. (alone by choice at this time)

I can see how I have made excuses for his short fallings over the years. He is an idiot and thats the end of the story. He has ruined me financially too. Starting again at 46 but at least I am in control. I will never allow another man to boss me around again. I can see that my relationship was never a true partnership.

Stay strong an most importantly look after yourself.

Hugz

Janine

[luce]

Thanks Hopeful and thanks Janine.

I have just re-read my post and Hopeful's response to it and realise i have given impression that being consumed with hate is perhaps the complete me right now. And, of course, it is not. There are many facets to me whereas people that only have my forum posts to go on will only know what i tell them.

Sometimes what i tell people isnt quite right. I think it is right but really it is me 'in it' at that time. But i am not 'in it' all the time. I have my friends, my laughter, my gym, i go out and do stuff, etc.

And mostly i think it is just about time like you say Janine. It has taken me nearly 3 months to stop crying and maybe it will take another 3 for the anger/hatred to subside to more manageable proportions. I like that you said that i will 'hate for as long as NEED to'. That makes sense to me - i certainly feel i NEEDED to sob for almost 3 months so maybe same is true of the anger.

So yes, your words helped more than i can tell you. Your strength shining through gives me strength too.

Thanks to both of you for helping me achieve some clarity. Also to the amazing lady who contacted me privately (and you know who you are xxx).

[Helen_uk]

Luce... I think you need to have a funeral . I don't mean a literal body burying, but a funeral for the man you THOUGHT your H was . I think if you do that you'll find some of the hatred might be buried with it.

Don't get me wrong, anger can be a good thing, it's healthy and necessary when you've been through all this... but having a funeral for your old H and your OLD life can mean it leaves you free to live your NEW life as a strong, independant BEAUTIFUL KIND and CARING woman.

Pity your H's new woman.. look what she's getting .

Hugs

Helen xx

[luce]

Helen, thanks maybe i do need a funeral. Just the idea of it bought tears welling up. Maybe that is something i can give some thought too. It would definitely need some planning and some very close friends there to witness my tears. Sometimes tears do need withnessing.

It is a funny one with H's new woman. There is a tendancy to think that these women get the best years of your H - us that have been with them long term have supported them and encouraged them to grow up and move along their career path etc. Then some other woman gets a bloke that appears outwardly confident, capable and earns a fairly decent wage. What i know that she doesnt is that he has only been that way for a few years - i put up with all the grotty years: career changes, between jobs, health problems, retraining etc.

But I read somewhere that actually the other woman doesnt get the best of your husband - she gets the worst - she gets the liar, cheat and betrayer. I was talking about this in counselling the other day and about that thing of how he was never the man i THOUGHT he was. She said much like you that my H will be carrying all his flaws and baggage into the new relationship plus the additional baggage of what he has done to his family (me and my boy).

I will really be sat here laughing if she gets pregnant (once i get past the tears) - how wonderful my MLC husband trapped with plain Jane and babies while she is stuck with one selfish guy who is going to make a lousy dad/husband.

[georgie]

I hear you Luce! I have an ex getting married in 3 weeks that STILL cant admit there is someone else to me! lol and I dont even care any more...
The anger.. yes I felt that anger just as you describe it.
I would say it is natures way of giving you the adrenalin rush to spur you on to the next stage.. it's like you were in an emotional cage for 3 months, crying on your lonely perch, now sub conciously you feel it is time to leave that cage, but you cant just bend the bars back.. oh no... you have to go through the full metamorphisis...you are now Dr David Bannister....time to turn green... shred all your clothes in the process.. and rip that cage appart.
Once out there may be days when you miss the security of it and slink back in for the odd hour, but in time you move in ever increasing circles away from it and on with your life.
I have similar feelings about delivering that one killer line that willl pearce his heart like an arrow and finally, FINALLY make him understand what he has put you through.
But, it aint going to happen, because he has closed he compartment and thrown away the key and he simply doesnt care.
Any emotional line you deliver to her will be twisted and used as you say to represent you as some shrill shrew 'no wonder he left her' etc.. so dont give them that particular cannon ball!

Slowly shift your focus from them to you, they are not worthy of your attention. In time you will be ready. I still moan about my x al lot because we still have not settled (court 17th May roll on !!) and we have the kids to co parent, which is challenging. But I honestly believe without thos factors I would hardly mention him now. He is a selfish fool, your ex is totally selfish too. What is the point of trying to reason with them, they dont care.
They were frauds and liars. We are better off without them, you can see that now.
When I look at pictures of myself from 2 years ago I see an unhappy frumpy woman that was treated like a peace of furniture, or a 2nd source of income and not appreciated as a human being. I'm a lot happier now, I look and feel better and I'm sure you do too.
I'm starting to ramble its 1.15am here!
Hope some of it makes sense xxx

[luce]

Oh Georgie, thank-you! I love the hulk busting out of cage analogy and it fits so damn well. I really am breaking free.

And you are right about it being a waste of time trying to get any understanding of the enormity of what he has done from him. It goes back to that line Vikki Stark wrote about in order to heal you have to 'give up trying to get the acknowledgement and apology that you deserve'. My good friend was shouting at me down the phone the other day saying just as you have about he doenst care. She was shouting at me saying I know you dont listen to me but you have to listen now, you have to get it through your head, he doesnt care about you anymore, he is never going to care again, he doesnt care what he has done to you and he doesnt care what you are going through now, he just doesnt care. I did hear her but i guess it is one of those things that people are going to need to shout at me over and over because i have trouble getting my head around it. She also said same as you about the selfishness. She said that he was always selfish and i was just never able to see it. I always knew that she thought that too and i could never understand it as i adored him. I am seeing it now though. Bit by bit i am seeing it.

You are right about not me not handing them the tools to justify their behaviour even further too - I have lost it a few times in the last few weeks and have handed him excuses on a plate. I mustnt continue doing that. Maybe i will bury the wedding ring at the bottom of the garden instead.

I know what you mean about the pictures too. I look so different now to what i did and it is not even 3 months yet. I guess we all need to be appreciated and when we are not we just shrivel away. For the first time in years i see someone i recognise looking back at me when i look in the mirror. It is so cool and i like it very much.

You make perfect sense and i am so glad that i posted about this here today because every response has given me something so useful that i can take away. I have had such good feedback.

I really love having you all in my life. You really all are my silver linings.

[Helen_uk]

I hope you do Luce, I really do. Funerals are sad occasions, but in effect what they do is lay people to rest . In this case it's laying a marriage to rest, once it's done you can allow some time to grieve and then heal. In a strange kind of way it can be cathartic .

You know my ex had an affair and then ended up with a young woman of 18 ? Let me tell you this.. I'm not sure if she thought she was getting a sugar daddy but what she did get was a man of 40 ( going on 70 ) who had NO money, lots of debt and needed a nap in the afternoon . And he was crap in bed . He had problems keeping up with her ( in EVERY sense lol ) , she wanted to be out and about , clubbing and partying...... He's more the slump in front of the TV type. It was never going to work, and it didn't. What your H's new woman is getting is a middle age man with a bad track record ( after what he did to you ) , one who is capable of hiding his feelings , can walk away from commitment and can press the delete button when it suits him. What goes around comes around . Will it last ? I doubt it.

In any case it's you that's important now and I agree with Georgie . No matter what you say to him or her it won't have the effect you'd hope for. You're the embittered ex wife in their eyes and anything you say will be disregarded. So there's no point. Going forward is the only way . And there isn't a time limit on the tears or the anger , everyone is different , but eventually the new , good memories replace the old bad ones and you reach the place of total indifference. That's when you know you're over it .

Hugs

Helen

[luce]

Helen,
You really are wonderful .

My hubs was the same: a tired old man that needed a nap in the afternoon and repressed as hell in bed with the tiniest willy (whatever we say it really does matter, haha). He never was joyous and free that i can remember and i have known him on and off since he was 18.

And that thing you said about pressing the delete button whenever it suits him is so true. It is a pattern of his and i only just realised it recently. He didnt just do it to me and my son; he has done it to his son from a relationship he was in years before we got together, he has done it to his parents, his brother and sisters and goodness knows how many people in-between. He is also bit of an empty shell with no oomph of his own really - he is rather quiet and well-spoken so people tend to write their own scripts onto him particularily women who seem to either find him mysterious or want to save him or both.

Thanks again for always being here for me Helen. I notice that time and time again you give to me.

[Helen_uk]

Ooooooooo yes Luce, sorry but size does matter.. especially if they're lacking in technique hehehe !

[luce]

Indeed Helen - before i get involved with anyone else i shall ask them to flop it out for inspection. hahaha.

[mangonpineapple]

Hi Luce,
I can only agree with what everyone else has written. I think this is very normal after such a betrayal. Nearly all of what you have written, I completely identify with. I kind of see saw between extreme hate and anger and then hope in the future. The idea of the funeral is really very good. I sort of had a cleanisng ceremony/funeral for myself as I felt defiled and tainted by the lie that was my marriage. It does help. It is symbolic and even though your heart will keep taking you back to the pain, your brain will catch up with the logic of moving on, letting go, etc. Even though it feels like an eternity, it hasn't been that long since the trauma. I saw my GP who said that it might take me at least 2 years to not feel this way. Time will take the edge of those feelings and as you have new and better experiences, they will replace the negative ones. Counselling helps but it takes a long time , and we want to feel better in a hurry! We all relate and understand. You are not alone. Hope you feel better tomorrow. Sending you loads of hugs, M

[Helen_uk]

Make sure you take a tape measure along Luce

[sean1234]

As you know by my posts i still think there is someone else. Shes still denying it though. I too cant get ouy the right words. It all comes out wromg and afterwards your left thinking why did i say this, i should have said that. When she came round last week its really messed me up again. Afyer not crying for so long i now am back to crying every day. I dont k iw , i feel helpless, lonely, betrayed and so so sad. Still live her even now.all i get from her is weve nothing to discuss i sent you and the boys letters. 1 letter in six months a month after she left. Yep thats all i het after 18 years. She said yo me last wee we slways said we would never do thus to our kids which i said to her at the start to what she replied things change. Now after recieving demands from csa she uses the same qiote. When we said this to each other was when her mum and dad were divorcing sll thise years ago and we said we wouldnt ever do this to our kids and we would work on our relationship for the if things ever went wrong. Now she says this to me last week with ger mind twisted still convinced six months down the line im stopping tgem seeing her.she never gave me a chancw, never said a word yet she tells all the relatives how many times she told me she was unhappy. But she didnt. Never said a word. Went on holiday acting all normal. Maybe over nice. She has messed me up and u know im in for a long haul.when we said we wont do thus to our kids it wasnt for me it was for her as it wasnt my parents who were divocing it eas hers. My father even loved her ad a daughter and whenever he has seen her has treated her with dignity and respect not once having a go even tjough he is watching his son fall apart. Yet her parents, ive had verbal abuse, pysical threats and lets not forget she is the one who left . I just think it goes to show the difference between our 2 familys. Dont get me wrong when my dad is nice to her it hurts me. I think whats wrong with you loik at what her parents gave done. But he us the better person for it. I will never, ever be in the same roim as her parents again for the rest of my life whatever the outcome. Not even for my sons will i endure that.i hate them with every bone in ny body. They are no role midels for her ir my kids. People say you will have too . Oh no im afraid i wont. Never ever