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Old 22nd April 2008, 10:33 AM   #151
kyalan
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Re: How can I get her to realise what she's losing?

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Originally Posted by billyboy View Post
Did you find anything out then?
As the Churchill dog would say "OOOOOH Yes!!!"

I spent 5 hours chatting to her friend and I feel 20 times better today

Her friend thinks she is making a huge mistake and has urged her to get medical help
Her friend thinks she never went to the doctors (as I doubted also)
She has told my W to stop playing games and start trying at this marriage - something my wife hated and they had an rguement about

As always there are 2 sides to every story - now, this friend hated me and thought I was a pr*ck - until she spoke to me last night, and she's realised everything now makes sense

We had a really good chat and at the end of it, she feels really concerned for my W cause she's on course for a breakdown

Suggested the best thing for me to do is to leave and W's friend believes this will hit her like a ton of bricks

Only concern for both W's friend and me is that if she is depressed, then this will plunge her deeper into a depressive state - which we are both greatly concerned

We both feel that my W isn't 100% certain of what she is doing, but none of us can get through to her yet.....

Feels better to know that her friend has told her she's making a big mistake and not everyone is in agreement with her (like she's been telling me)

So will not ring, txt or bother with her for a couple of weeks and I think it will then start to dawn on her "what the f*ck am I doing?"

Kyalan
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Old 22nd April 2008, 10:45 AM   #152
val100
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Re: How can I get her to realise what she's losing?

So you left and wifes friend decides wow nice guy I am going to ring her and tell her all that has been said.

Can't really comment, my head has had a huge kicking. My H has been on.

Tell me if he frigging loves me this much why the hell didn't he help me fix us! Now it is too late for me.
Sorry I am no help to anyone today. Crying again
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Old 22nd April 2008, 11:24 AM   #153
kyalan
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Re: How can I get her to realise what she's losing?

Hi Val,

I'm pretty certain W's friend will not ring her to tell her what was said

Sound's like your H still hasn't forgiven you and still wants you to pay for what you did.

Sorry Val I don't know your full story, so can't comment fully, but sounds like he's still angry

Something I keep asking myself - when is it "too late"?

People keep telling me - "it's never too late" - but when do I know that it's "too late"?

I really don't know

Kyalan
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Old 22nd April 2008, 11:39 AM   #154
val100
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Re: How can I get her to realise what she's losing?

Hi Kyalan
No this wasn't his anger this was his sadness coming out. His email had me in tears, his phonecall yesterday broke my heart.

It is too late for me because I don't believe he has changed because the grass is just that little bit greener and much and all as I am tired this life is way easier.

i do love him but violence is a hard thing to get over.
I want to hold him and make his life better he lost everything but that is what he wanted he told me to leave and to take the kids.

He had met someone, he told me he loved her and wanted to make a go of it with her.Now he tells me it was a mistake but that he couldn't live with me because of his hurt. He isn't happy he misses his life, his kids and his bestfriend. He realises how lucky he was to have me in his life and he could't believe how lucky he was thatI chose to share my life with him. So what do I do ?
My kids are missing him terribly, my 14 yr old was crying alnight. For them i would fix it but I won't be happy, am I too selfish?
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Old 22nd April 2008, 12:03 PM   #155
kyalan
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Re: How can I get her to realise what she's losing?

Sometimes I think people need to be selfish to protect themselves
Everyone can change if they want to


Poem I read yesterday


"Whether we feel compassionate or not
we still should act compassionately.
It’s a lot like love and those of you that are married
will know this to be true:
that you are supposed to love
whether you feel it or not.

When it gets to the hard grind of marriage
that’s where you truly learn to love
and you are supposed to love
you are supposed to act in a loving way
whether you feel like it or not.

Because in the end
love is not an emotion that I feel;
love is a commitment that I make.
It is a commitment that I make to consistently act
in the best interests of the other person.
That is love."


As I keep being told marriage is all about comprimise

Kyalan
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Old 22nd April 2008, 01:28 PM   #156
kyalan
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Re: How can I get her to realise what she's losing?

One good thing to come out of all this - I now weigh 14st 9lbs (To any Brits) 205lbs (to any Americans) or 93kgs (to any europeans)

Before all this started I weighed approx 18st/252lbs/114kgs

Don't know whether to feel happy or not
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Old 23rd April 2008, 01:22 AM   #157
912jws
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Question Re: How can I get her to realise what she's losing?

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Originally Posted by val100 View Post
Hi Kyalan
No this wasn't his anger this was his sadness coming out. His email had me in tears, his phonecall yesterday broke my heart.

It is too late for me because I don't believe he has changed because the grass is just that little bit greener and much and all as I am tired this life is way easier.

i do love him but violence is a hard thing to get over.
I want to hold him and make his life better he lost everything but that is what he wanted he told me to leave and to take the kids.

He had met someone, he told me he loved her and wanted to make a go of it with her.Now he tells me it was a mistake but that he couldn't live with me because of his hurt. He isn't happy he misses his life, his kids and his bestfriend. He realises how lucky he was to have me in his life and he could't believe how lucky he was thatI chose to share my life with him. So what do I do ?
My kids are missing him terribly, my 14 yr old was crying alnight. For them i would fix it but I won't be happy, am I too selfish?
God Val...dilemmas dilemmas

Can a leopard change it's spots? I guess only you can decide that, I feel sorry for you in that you love him, the kids love him but there is possibly no way back because of what he has done to you in the past.

Could you have a trial get together and see how things work out under your terms?, don't ask him to move back in fully, just to stay for a bit, I guess this will be really difficult thing for you to think about given that you have got used to being on your own, I don't know TBH, do you think he has changed or just lonely?

Look after yourself!

Jon
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Old 23rd April 2008, 10:52 AM   #158
val100
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Re: How can I get her to realise what she's losing?

Hi billy,
No no see saw more just the guilt of it all. It is the pull of the kids really. He hasn't asked me and no I only see brief glimpses of change but what can be fantastic this week will be awful next week.
He rang me last night and I was telling him my very funny poem which is too irish for you lot out there. He said oh "val " it is so good to hear you laugh, I didn't have the heart to say I love my life I am always laughing.
It is hard I still love him and I thought I would die without him but I didn't and I really like my life now.
My kids miss him so much though,is it not the right thing to do ? that is my issue i feel guilty i don't want to. I amdoing nowt but you know these things occupy your head and it is impossible to shift.
as for a trial run there again is the problem i can't put my kids through that again.
anyway he hasn't asked. we both told each other that we still loved one another.
Kyalan, every cloud has its silver lining I weigh 8st and am a size 8 only problem is I lost my chest. If I win the lottery I tell you
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Old 24th April 2008, 12:18 PM   #159
kyalan
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Unhappy Re: How can I get her to realise what she's losing?

Afternoon All,

Well, the end is nigh
I move out tomorrow into my flat and I'm devastated
Not looking forward to it at all, but hey, what can I do?

Wife is still not 100% certain she is doing the right thing, but feels she still needs to go through with it anyway

Oh well, I tried my hardest - the ball is now firmly in her court!

Kyalan
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Old 24th April 2008, 12:29 PM   #160
val100
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Re: How can I get her to realise what she's losing?

Kyalan,
Do you have people to keep you company and support you right now because you will need them.
I am so sorry I can't offer you any help or real advice othere that stay strong don't fall apart.
Women are so lucky We leave but we leave with the kid.
My H wrote to me how through his own stupidity he lost his best friend, his kids and his life. I cannot imagine what his evenings are like without those four jumping around the place and annoying the life out of me.
I am sorry for you. keep posting
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Old 24th April 2008, 12:43 PM   #161
SadBill
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Re: How can I get her to realise what she's losing?

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Originally Posted by kyalan View Post
Afternoon All,

Well, the end is nigh
I move out tomorrow into my flat and I'm devastated
Not looking forward to it at all, but hey, what can I do?

Wife is still not 100% certain she is doing the right thing, but feels she still needs to go through with it anyway

Oh well, I tried my hardest - the ball is now firmly in her court!

Kyalan
Of course your devestated, who wouldnt be faced with the seperation from not only someone who who you had made a life with, but also from your son, an innocent victim in this horrible situation. Look forward to your time with him. MAKE SURE you get time with him. Its your right, and he needs you. More than you need him.

Your role is twofold, you must be a great dad for your son, and you must make your life worthwhile for you.

Good luck with the move, the silence gets easier after a while, and theres a reason that we have cell phones. To remain in contact with our kids.

You are in my thoughts, God Bless you, and your son in this difficult time.
Bill
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Old 24th April 2008, 02:10 PM   #162
kyalan
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Unhappy Re: How can I get her to realise what she's losing?

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Do you have people to keep you company and support you right now because you will need them.
Unfortunately not which is why it's so hard for me - nearest friends are 200 miles away and I can't afford to go see them

my family have offered to come stay with me, but I have nowhere for them to sleep in my new flat

Next time I will get to see my son is in about 4 weeks time - and it will kill me!

The silence in my house is deafening at the moment, but there will be other people living in the flat, so at least I have their company (not actually met them yet, but they move in tomorrow aswell)

It's just so sad to leave everything behind

I have said what could be my last words to my wife this morning. I said "this is it for us then?" turned and walked away

She stood at the door (staying at her mums) and cried hers eyes out - does this sound like a woman who is 100% sure???

I give up I really really do

I'm not a religious person at all, but I pray every night that she realises what a big mistake she is making

Kyalan
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Old 25th April 2008, 03:18 AM   #163
912jws
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Thumbs up Re: How can I get her to realise what she's losing?

Things WILL get better, not seeing your son so regularly will not be great and that's one reason I pay sky high rent at the moment so I am near the kids, it will be 6 days since I last saw my 2 on Saturday but I at least I have something to look forward to for the weekend and have them with me for a couple of days.
Its funny for the first few weeks I felt like you probably do now, silence, lonely, dwelling on things but I feel a lot better in myself now.
I try and keep myself busy if I am on my own, so much so that sometimes I don't have enough time to do everything, I am creating a new social circle so that I have options if ever I do feel at a lost end.
And talking about it will make things better, I know my best mate doesn't get pestered half as much as he did a few weeks back which is always a good sign that you are coping better.

Look after yourself!

Jon
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Old 25th April 2008, 02:56 PM   #164
kyalan
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Re: How can I get her to realise what she's losing?

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Your flat is back south then Kyalan?
unfortunately yes

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Originally Posted by billyboy View Post
I think 4 weeks is too long for you to have to wait
and me mate, it's going to kill me

Quote:
Originally Posted by billyboy View Post
Drive up at weekend and have for the day all day . sort out accomodation, its warmer -got a tent ? or a cheap B&B .then back down next day ?
I really can't afford it - friends and relatives have offered to lend me money - but I can't afford to give it back to them afterwards
haven't got a tent either - have thought about sleeping in my car if it at least gets me to see him.....

Got the long drive down south tonight straight from work

Last night was hard - all my stuff packed, ready to go, and I couldn't stop crying

Kyalan
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Old 25th April 2008, 06:36 PM   #165
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Re: How can I get her to realise what she's losing?

Hi Kyalan,

Just wanted to say thinking of you, it may not seem it now but it will get better, let's hope for your sake absence makes the heart grow fonder.

LoLa x
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