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Old 1st September 2006, 08:12 AM   #286
Helen
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Re: masturbation, porn and marriage

Quote:
Originally Posted by markus View Post
Both men and women are straying when there needs are not being met - its selfish but true
Do you think it's all about sex though? This was the implication when you talked about unmet sexual needs and your statement suggested that women deserved to be left if they weren't willing to be hookers and meet a guy's needs in the bedroom. My point was I didn't think it was that straightforward. I tend to think women stray most of the time (not all the time) when their emotional needs are not being met. It usually starts with a man not being supportive or sympathetic to his own wife's views on things like sex, next comes confiding in someone else about their marriage, letting down their guard, comparing their mate unfavorably with the other guy, then next thing they think they are infatuated, this guy is perfect and off they go. I don't know if the thought processes are as complete for men?

When married people sleep with other people, I tend to think it is primarily about sex, although some dress it up as love, infatuation or unmet needs. And, of course, some stray because they want to and not because their needs aren't being met, etc.. etc... What seems to be absent from the debate is the dialogue that should take place between husband and wife before the straying takes place. Perhaps the debate does take place but I tend to think not because more often than not, the partner who is cheated on or left has no idea that their spouse has an issue within the relationship. The cry is usually 'I thought we were happy'. And in the case of men who are obsessed with porn, more often than not they don't care if their wives dislike them using this medium to satisfy themselves, regardless of how this knocks on to their expectations of their wives. And there is no doubt that using porn regularly can cause problems in a relationship. It is this element that is unfair and more people ought to be working to question it.

I am curious Markus - I see from your early posts that your wife had a 2 year affair with a married man. Did she ever tell you why she went with him?


Helen
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Old 1st September 2006, 09:29 AM   #287
Dave
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Re: masturbation, porn and marriage

Quite a bit of speculation going on here about why people have affairs - take a look at the article here which gives a well researched set of explanations

Dave
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Old 1st September 2006, 10:54 AM   #288
markus
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Re: masturbation, porn and marriage

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I am curious Markus - I see from your early posts that your wife had a 2 year affair with a married man. Did she ever tell you why she went with him?
The reason it happened is because her married supervisor at work wanted to get into her knickers , he charmed her , made her feel good about her self and they used each other to cheat the system
a handy arrangement - why work on her relationship when you can get a back door man to supply the excitment and the front door man to pay the bills ?
why should he be concerned about his wife not meeting his needs when he can get it from his hoe on the side ?
Its just pure selfishness .. i dont need her to give me reasons !

Like i said .. its the sign of the times

You have to be a need meeting machine to keep your partner in this day and age

Last edited by markus; 1st September 2006 at 11:02 AM.
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Old 1st September 2006, 12:55 PM   #289
Desperate
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Re: masturbation, porn and marriage

For the most part, that is a sad reality. For better or for worse, through good and bad, sickness & in health...blah, blah, balh....marriage for most people these days isn't worth the paper it's written on.

Most lengthy marriages experience problems of some sort. Complacency is not uncommon. Taking your partner for granted in not uncommon.The longer a marriage lasts, the higher the probability is that one of these two issues will occur. But these two oversights are not an excuse for a spouse to committ adultery, have affairs, destroy marriages, people, children etc. If a spouse refuses to work at the marriage even after communication has made it clear that the other spouse is unhappy, then that spouse can expect the other to eventually leave. But it is not an excuse to have an affair and betray the husband/wife, children, all of their friends and family. Leave the marriage first, then do what you must!

I was accused some time back by a certain forum member of using "Red Herrings" to justify my complacency and in taking wife for granted. It's not as clear cut as that, not for me.

I moved to the UK 8 years ago, was desperately unhappy, hated my 1st job, missed home. Then left that job and went from the frying pan into the fire. I was very unhappy for almost 4 years in the UK. When I finally settled, I was hit by health issues, which was extremely unusual, I've always been very healthy, never sick etc. Late 2004, I was off work for 3 months after having 18 inches of my Sigmoid colon removed. A few months after I recovered, I suffered complete & permanent hearing loss (stone deaf!) to my right ear, coupled with months of disorientation...diving accident in Mexico. Off work again for 3 months.

Whilst I was trying to come to terms with these health issues, my wife was bonking someone else. I believe that subconciously I had picked this up, she became distant, behaved unusually etc. I believe her behaviour definately had an effect on my behaviour...and when she finally left, she had the gaul to blame me for failing her as a husband. It was okay for her though, she arrived in the UK, got a great job almost imeediately, one that she loves. She never had to struggle through the emotional and health issues that I had to endure. No, it's not an excuse for my part in this....but the "For better or worse" verse keeps playing in my head. If my wife had any compassion, she should have realised that I was struggling and perhaps been a little understanding, talked to me about things. That woman could not communicate, it was and remains her biggest failing in life (other than bonking other womens husbands of course).

I wish my wife would stumble across this forum. And other men and women like her. These people need a reality check. They need to see how much excrutiating pain, suffering and sorrow they bring with their self-centered, inconsiderate and dispicable actions.
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Old 1st September 2006, 03:49 PM   #290
markus
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Re: masturbation, porn and marriage

Thats right a good wife would respect the marriage vows and have support for their husband when they need it
I spent years supporting my wife through the loss of her parents
then i was involved in a fatal car accident , i had no physical injuries but suffered depression for a while because the other driver was killed
I pulled through that **** by concentrating on work & supporting the family financially but where was she when the need making machine was out of action ?
Getting it from someone else

I wish i could turn back the clock to that wedding day on a beach in florida 8 years ago and tell her to go f**k herself
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Old 4th September 2006, 02:43 PM   #291
noonypoon
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Re: masturbation, porn and marriage

hi carol

i know i am reading your posting quite late but i totally empathise with you. i have been with my partner for 4 years and have a daughter together. I have always had a very high sex drive and have never really been affected by porn. I always thought of it as something teenagers giggle over or something single men resort to.

i knew my partner had a large video collection when we got together and although they moved in with him, i didnt think too much of it. we used to have a great sex life until our daughter was born and then even though i was still up for it, my partner's sex drive diminished. i happened to catch him masturbating to a porn film whilst i had been waiting in bed for him. i was so upset. i felt totally devasted by this. it made me feel like i was worthless and that i wasnt as pretty or sexy as the girls in the film and that i wasnt good enough in bed. for several days we talked about this and i became suspicious of everything. i checked him emails, his computer, his phone. the only evidence i found was several sex sites on his computer. i confronted him and yet again the promises were forthcoming. i have found sites a couple of times since then and i always confront him. i love him very very much and have already been through a divorce so i am adamant that i will fight this and win.

he has already agreed to see a counsellor, which may help the situation.

You must try and do something about this otherwise i do this it escalates and the intimacy and relationship suffer. im not sure that i agree that it always escalates to a point of rape but it is not acceptable if you are not comfortable with it and he should respect your feelings. i even showed my partner your comments to show him that i was not the only woman who felt like this.

i really hope that you manage to sort this out. good luck.
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Old 15th September 2006, 06:12 PM   #292
Jeffrey
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Re: masturbation, porn and marriage

Wow, men didn't oggle women until VHS,DVD,Internet porn came to be?

Porn doesn't hurt marriages, people hurt marriages. Simple as that.

porn with a partner == Very hot and fun!

Quote:
Originally Posted by bellabrave View Post
to those women who think joining them is the answer I say this



Wake up, porn is an abuse towards women and any man or woman who participates in it is constributing to the problems that face women daily...he is part of the reason women cant walk down the street ithout being ogled by filthy council workers. he is part of the reason mothers have to cover their childrens eyes when they walk into a newsagency where naked women (or mostly naked) cover the wallls. he is part of the reason that teenage girls are dying from anorexia in an effort to look beautiful. he is part of the reason women are mum has to explain to her kids that dad just ran off with a 20yr old cause she fitted the media image closer than the wife who gave life to his children. he is part of the reason pimps are making profit from exploiting young women who have troubled backgrounds and perhaps even drug problems.....

The actress may or may not volunteer but does every woman in the world volunteer to be judged by her body parts, do your daughters, friends, aunts etc. Porn is a big part of why we are, of why we have never had a female president, why women represent such a small part of management positions .etc etc

IF YOU SEE NO PROBLEM WITH PORN THEN QUITE SIMPLY YOU ARE PART OF THE PROBLEM
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Old 15th September 2006, 06:25 PM   #293
Helen
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Re: masturbation, porn and marriage

Quote:
Originally Posted by Jeffrey View Post
Wow, men didn't oggle women until VHS,DVD,Internet porn came to be?

Porn doesn't hurt marriages, people hurt marriages. Simple as that.
That's a rather simplistic way of looking at things isn't it? Yes, porn has been around for a while. Way back when, people used to draw and paint pornographic pictures. And with the pictures came debauched living. I am no prude but studies have shown there is a link between the upsurge in porn use and the impact on society and relationships. The problem today is porn is no holds barred. There is literally nothing you cannot see, for a price. I don't think anyone is saying men didn't ogle women before the advent of technology. What is being said is porn has become an obsession to the point where you wonder why some people bother to get married. Clearly some have a more meaningful relationship with their computer, their fists and a tub of lube...
Quote:
Originally Posted by Jeffrey View Post
porn with a partner == Very hot and fun
Not always. Porn hurts marriages when the enthusiasm for it is one-sided and partners' feelings are ignored or they are made to feel lacking in order to force it on to them. That is what this thread is about.


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Old 27th September 2006, 01:23 PM   #294
sukhie
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Re: masturbation, porn and marriage

Whilst i whole heartedly understand where people are coming from being victims to this sordid mis-adventures, i can only speak from experience and put my hands up and say, please help me!!

I am married, with a child, and i love her no less today than i loved her before we got married, and before we had our beautiful baby boy over 18months ago.

However that does not stop my masturbating near enough all the time. At first I thought it was addiction to the masturbation, but I too have recently relied on porn in some shap or for to contribute to getting me started at least. Is that addiction to porn? Yes yes yes, it is the singular most disgusting thing on this planet to even consider looking at porn, but how does one just simply stop? As we all know when once eroused, i would literally do anything, to keep the momentum going inside, If im with my wife, then she as well as i know that this could last a long session, long into the night and well, not just once, twice nor thrice... however what do i do when i get home from work, and my wife and child are not at home as they gone to the inlaws, and wont be back till tomorrow? im all alone? yes i have internet access, but at that stage id much rather just masturbate if not my frustrations for the day, but also end the day so to speak on a high!!

Hence the reason why i think im addicted to masturbation. Now you stick a pic of a naked lady in fornt of me, its not gonna dampen the spirits during masturbation, however if im at the office or working, then perhaps i have the strength to look away, but on my own when i want the satisfaction? then perhaps it eludes me that it is disgusting etc.....

I want a 'cure' to this as much as my wife would had she known, and reading what most wives think of this, deeply wounds me. I would seek any solution being it couselling or medical!! Im at a loss, however am optimistic that there is a solution, and i have yet to find it, let alone be on the path to it.

One thing ive read here in the forums is that most rapists are porn addicts? Is that so? I dont fantasise of rape, however i do fantasise especially when i masturbate. And as im getting old the lucid dreams are getting more and more sinister, i want the whole thing to stop if ever it does get to the stage that these people talk about comes to light. I know inside me that porn is wrong, as is a lot of things, yet i do it to help me masturbate, therefore leading me to believe that my masturbation is all wrong too!!!

Hope this at least sheds light on the mind of one of your husbands, if not into the mind of someone who is in the same boat, but of a different variety to your yachts and ships!!!

I appogise in advance if i have inadvertantly hurt anyone, i did not mean it.

Thank you for your time.
Sincerest regards
Sukhi
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Old 27th September 2006, 02:10 PM   #295
Liz
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Re: masturbation, porn and marriage

Hi Sukhie

Thank you for being so honest. What strikes me from what you have written is that your sex drive is all about getting satisfaction, getting "the high", the sexual pleasure. Is that how you view sex, or is there an element of expressing your love and affection to your wife through what you do?

A real addiction is about getting that high in some way whether it be drink, drugs, sex or even driving a fast car. What lies behind that need for that high, I wonder? Is there some emptiness and loneliness or pain that you are trying to cover up? If you weren't able to make love or masturbate for a while, how would you feel? Would it really matter? Has this pursuit become too big in your life?

If you really want to change then you might look at the resources here. You could also consider going to a counsellor.

Liz
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Old 30th September 2006, 12:17 AM   #296
em252
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Re: masturbation, porn and marriage

Hey

Can I ask why did you feel it necessary to try and access his computer and e-mails after you have spoken about it, has he not made you feel any better?

I came across something a while ago before we got married that made me feel sick to my stomach but he knew how I felt about it and I threw my engagement ring at the wall! I told him that I would trust him not to do what he had done again and I must admit, what he had done had made me wonder whether I knew him at all? I haven't checked up on him though.

Sex life is crap though, can't say anything about masterbation though, I knew he had done it the other week because of something that happened later that didn't produce much?!?!!! But then I, myself, only this morning had to sort myself out! Men just don't make the effort as much as women and that is a fact.


Quote:
Originally Posted by mrso View Post
i found out about 5 moths ago just before our second child was born we will be married 1 year august at first i was angry why did he need this?
whats wrong with me? did he not love me ?
so after we spoke and i had calmed down i thought i would try to be on his side at least then i would know he was looking and how oftern
it hurts he tells me now he doesnt look but i still search the computer for files just to see
not sure we are over this i feel dirty used and very confused our sex live has changed more him than me he hasnt touched me in over a month which for us is too long but i try to get on and stay strong for the children i read his emails and check up behind his back i am sure he is still doing it but have no prove
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Old 3rd October 2006, 05:01 PM   #297
sukhie
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Thumbs up Re: masturbation, porn and marriage

Hi Liz, thank you for you very useful and helpful insight.

In answer to your questions, I do get the high during sex, and mostly during masturbation, and like i mentioned earlier, sometimes i feel it is neccessary to 'top up' my drive by masturbating after sex, and often this lasts much much longer than the sex. My wife does not know this, but sometimes realises something is a miss when in the morning she looks more deeply at the bed sheets, suffice to say I have not been confronted as yet, and well i think that we are both ashamed to confront one another on this.

I do during masturbation try to attain that high, and the worrying things for me is the thoughts that run through my head, although on any other time, they would seem very very bad, at the time, they feel they are needed. This is why i have bought this issue to light and well want to try with all my might to resolve this issue.

I know that most people will say that its perfectly natural to masturbate and even fantasise, however, even so personally being married, i dont like these thoughts especially being married et al.

Well rest assured, i am addressing this now and with reading these useful insights from other peoples minds, at least we can all gather other perspectives to what indulges our minds, as this is not all about looking for another woman, when looking at porn, or wanting to have affairs etc, its just the indulgance at the time of feelings this high, if all that makes sense.... hmm??

Thank you again Liz and everyone else...
Best
Sukhie
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Old 5th October 2006, 07:01 PM   #298
Jeffrey
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Re: masturbation, porn and marriage

Again, those actions are done by PEOPLE not porn. I drink beer occasionally, I'm not an alcoholic. I have been trained to use a firearm, but I don't try to kill people.

--
You sir have been lied to by porn, y6ou sir are a cuckold.....whilst you continue to allow porn in your life you make true intimacy with ANY woman impossible and you also deem yourself completely without respect to EVERY woman in the world through your participation and support of this industry......
--

And to judge and label with names? Yeah, that's constructive and really shows the intelligence and conviction of your argument. Having been married quite happily for 12+ years and having shared porn, you're in no position to judge, or qualify anyone elses marriage.

By all means, continue to paint everyone with the same brush...

Quote:
Originally Posted by bellabrave View Post
Jeffrey, Sorry but your in no position to simplify a problem that you have never experienced.
ie Have you EVER been a woman hurt by their partners use of porn?
Have you ever been a woman who felt nervous about walking down the streeet because you are constantly harrassed by pathetic losers on building sites (often with porn mags in view) making you feel uncomfortable with their comments and whistles. (these men are clearly getting the wrong messages about what women are)
Have you ever been raped by a man who daily looks at porn mags? (99 percent of rapists have an adiction to porn)
have you ever been told by your partners that your body is not 'good enough' bacause it has bought life into the world and doesnt look like a porn stars (the idealised concept of women)


You sir have been lied to by porn, y6ou sir are a cuckold.....whilst you continue to allow porn in your life you make true intimacy with ANY woman impossible and you also deem yourself completely without respect to EVERY woman in the world through your participation and support of this industry......

If you believe its porn with partner = so much fun then go look at the 'no porn site' or the millions of others where women are expressing that for them porn certainly doesnt = fun with their partners.....Clearly you dont give a damn about women or equality.....but simply


If it were so much damn fun why are millions of women saying they feel degraded and abused by this crap.....they deserve a voice ...you have no right to negate their true feelings. Just cause YOU FIND it fun ...
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Old 6th October 2006, 12:45 AM   #299
Bunny10
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Re: masturbation, porn and marriage

I am married to someone that was really into porn when I met him and still is, we used to watch it together before we got married, and we do on rare occasions now. I am very attractive and take care of myself and I am clean; I love sex, including kinky sexand I am willing to do whatever my husband wants in order to have a good sex life. I told my husband that I don't mind if we have a whole room for porn, just do not hide it from me, which he did. The thing with men that watch porn is, they are fantasizing about cheating, and eventually will. I found one of my husbands porn collections in his brief cases when I was helping him look for something, and their was a girls name and number slipped in the slot with one of his porns, he finally told me that he likes variety, and that he had a "rub down girl" AKA "prostitute" come to his room and he masturbated to her. Well I found out through phone records, which I never even thought of checking that he had been doing this for years, well or sex life diminished and he still sneaks around to watch porn. It makes me feel like he is comparing me to his prostitutes, and a man that watches porn regularly, is never wowed by you, nothing you do together is going to be the best ever because it desenthisis them, they are bored with the norm and have to have something new to get them really excited, they become bored with one person. I worry that the older The older you get the worse it is because ou are still being compared to women in their late teens or early 20's, which is the age of the women he got in his room for years, my husband says he is good now, but it is hard to believe someone that lied for years.

Last edited by Bunny10; 6th October 2006 at 12:54 AM. Reason: misspelled words
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Old 6th October 2006, 11:07 AM   #300
Helen
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Re: masturbation, porn and marriage

Jeffrey,

I think the problem is this statement:
Quote:
Originally Posted by Jeffrey View Post
porn with a partner == Very hot and fun!
It might be very hot and fun for you but it isn't for everyone. If you are going to accuse bellabrave of making sweeping statements, I suggest you take a look at your post too because you have made a statement that suggests porn is fun for everyone. This thread is testament to the fact that it isn't fun for everyone and most of the time, it is the woman who has an issue with it because, in the long term, excessive porn use can ruin relationships where one partner is unhappy about its use.


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