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Old 8th September 2014, 07:54 AM   #1
codyclay
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Join Date: Sep 2014
Posts: 1
Marriage in trouble

*This is long... so here goes. We've been married 5 years now and up until about a year and a half ago my marriage was good. We were happy and healthy. Then I was put on night shift. After about a month I quit going to the gym and developed a binge eating disorder. I started gaining weight like crazy. I became very depressed. Almost suicidal. I didnt realize it at the time, but my wife was going WAY out of her way to try and make my life as easy as possible. (And healthy as possible) she would pack me healthy lunches and snacks. She would lay out all of my clothes for work, Etc... and still I was binge eating and spiralling further into depression.*All the while, my wife began to resent me. I would come home at 4:00am while she was sleeping and eat, shower, then go to sleep until she woke me up for work. I wasn't returning her love. (I was in too much of a fog to realize that). But she stuck it out. I started to go to therapy for the binge eating. The therapist took note about my sexless marriage and wanted to do couples/marriage counseling. So I brought Mindy to counseling with me.*Then the therapist heard about Mindy's sexual abuse as a child. (That explains the lack of sex, but we already knew that.) So the therapist wanted Mindy to go to therapy. I couldn't afford all of this counseling so I quit going all together and Mindy continued. I almost feel like I was just pushed aside by my therapist because Mindy's issue was more severe. My depression worsened. I started going to a psychiatrist for drugs. It didn't help and I started having suicidal thoughts. I would cry all the time for no apparent reason. I had gained about 60 lbs in a year's time and it was all due to night shift.*I had been practically begging my boss for day shift for about 6 months of that year with no luck. I finally decided to quit my job and start with another company. Instant relief. My depression eased up quite a bit. I was still depressed due to my image. But I was a lot better. But I think the damage was already done to our relationship. I wasn't making as much money at this new job so we were struggling to pay bills. Our relationship is always strained when we have money troubles. The sex has always been a issue in our relationship. But I always told her that I would never leave her because of that.*Now she is saying that I'm not who I used to be. (Before the depresion) I don't talk to her like I used to and I don't show enough attention to our 4 yo son. I'm not there for her emotionally. I get home after work and don't help around the house. And its all true.*Today I found out that she has been having an emotional affair for the last 6 months through the internet with a navy guy stationed overseas. She loves him. He didn't know she was married. When I confronted her, I stayed very calm and understanding. She said she thinks she wants to leave. I talked her out of it with promises that I will change and go to marriage counseling again. She agreed to break it off with the other guy. I watched the coversation take place, so I know its done. I told her that i will be checking her phone until I'm comfortable that the affair is truly over. The rest of the day I made every effort to prove that I will change. (Almost to the point that I think I may have been smothering her) I really do love Mindy and can't imagine life without her. Did I handle this right? Or am I prolonging a marriage destined to fail. I feel that if I could just lose my weight, I can be happy again. And we could put this behind us.
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Old 8th September 2014, 09:55 AM   #2
Raymond
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Join Date: Dec 2006
Posts: 6,409
Re: Marriage in trouble

I don't see why it is destined fail. It was wrong of her to have that affair even in the extenuating circumstances.

I think now that you have learned what is wrong the marriage should gradually become richer, expecially if you are both working on it now. If she can be happy to live on less for a while you should get through. You don't want to go back to those long night shift hours. I think it right that you check her mails etc. until the trust has been restored. Trust is essential in marriage and she must do her bit in regaining that.

Last edited by Raymond; 8th September 2014 at 06:57 PM.
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Old 8th September 2014, 10:44 AM   #3
chosen
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Join Date: Aug 2009
Posts: 5,794
Re: Marriage in trouble

Some thoughts.
She thinks she loved this guy but you really cant love a person you have never met. He may not even be who he says he is. Looking for love else where never solves anything.

Night shifts. My son did a night shift for 2 years when he was in his early 20's and he has never been so ill as he was in those 2 years. Once he stopped he began to feel much better, so well done for you leaving that job.

She may well be saying that you weren't as you were before because of the attention she was getting from this other man. She feels discontent with you because of that man, this on line possibly invented man.

If money is tight how about your wife working? if you are in the UK you get 2 days free child care at the age your child is. Not sure about the USA if you are from there. My DIL has just had to go back to work when their son was a year old, because they simply cant afford to live on one wage. Few mothers and wives can afford to stay at home here because of the high price of housing.

Some good marriage counselling would help. The thing is that when you are depressed, you arent going to be as you normally are are you. Try and get back to doing more exercise, that weight will go again.
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Old 8th September 2014, 12:54 PM   #4
ronnoco
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Join Date: Aug 2013
Posts: 391
Re: Marriage in trouble

You've had some problems but don't try to make sense out of nonsense. Rationalising your wife's behaviour or sympathising with her is pointless. It is never OK to go outside of your relationship to solve problems within a relationship. It's not your fault and it's important that you know that.

She should be the one apologising to you - emotionally affairs are terrible. Of course she doesn't love him. She doesn't even know him! - She has just become infatuated. Perhaps it became an escape mechanism, etc but don't analyse that.

A sexless marriage is no good and this needs to be worked on but I can understand why that may have been the case with her past and it must be a real kick in the n*** when you were willing to make that sacrifices for her, only for her to go of and have an emotionally affair. It is good that she is getting counselling for her past. That will help your marriage but you need help, support and guidance too.

You need some good marriage counselling. She needs to do whatever it takes to earn your trust again and for as long as needed. You must be willing to forgive but don't blame yourself for this happening, there is no excuse. She promised to love you in sickness and be faithful and she hasn't.
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