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Old 28th August 2014, 06:09 AM   #1
rondoman
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Question is it over?

hi folks I have been married for five years now to my wife and we have a two year old. I am here because I don't know what to do about our marriage. for our entire marriage she has been pretty sickly with illnesses. epilepsy,migraines,high blood pressure narcolepsy, and more that Im not sure what to make of them all except one that's called "p-nes".after awhile or so, she has been mostly bedridden with depression and eventually quit her job to pursue disability which left us to move in with her mother which was really unconfortable for me but do-able.after a month or so her depression was at an all time low and I had to admit her to a mental facility for fear of suicide after she voiced her thoughts about killing herself.after a few days I took her home and things gotten slightly better.but soon, things started to plummet with her constant complaining always saying " you don't love me!!!". be it me, her mother, her stepdad, our daughter or whoever else. after awhile I started to argue back at her I even called her eyor from Winnie the pooh. (it was wrong but her voice and personality was identical to his).the last straw came a few days ago when I went to work one morning and asked her (like always) "how are you feeling today"? she said, " not to good honey but i will be okay" so i kissed her and told her i hope you feel better and went to work.when i got home she was still in the bed and never got out of it. so i asked her again how are you feeling? and she said im okay just a little exhausted. at the time i was pretty hungry and told her i was going back out to grab some fast food and i would be gone 5-10 minutes and she replied,why don't you go in the kitchen and make a sandwitch?( i was very uneasy dabbling in some elses kitchen weird but true) i responded it wont take but a few minutes and i will be right back. she lashed at me your "gonna leave anyway!! you don't care about me!!!" i kissed her and left the house. when i left the house,i decided to visit my mother who was nearby and free to eat.i called my wife and told her what i was doing and in her "eyor voice ",she said okay and slammed the phone......mmmm okay. so after ten mins she called me back and asked me to do her a favor. i said what can i do for you? she said, "stay with your mommy! and don't ever come back!!! you don't care about me!!! i said honey ill be there soon. when i arrive i put my key in the door and it wouldn't open! after awhile i realize there was a chair propped against the door handle on the inside to keep me out. her mother opened the door and i asked, whats going on and she replied "i didn't do it". i went to my wife and she said why are you here? get out!! she said i left her while she wasn't feeling good was the last straw.last i checked she said she was exhausted. anyway being that i l was at HER mothers house, i left to avoid an incident. so now im at a loss for what i did,what do i need to do and do i really want to work things out.i know i can be messy and slow to do things, but my "excuse" is i work 50 plus hours a week in a high labor environment and my back has left me at times where i find it hard to lift our child plus i have a condition called hypoglycemia.

Last edited by rondoman; 28th August 2014 at 07:12 AM.
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Old 28th August 2014, 01:00 PM   #2
Raymond
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Re: is it over?

I think you must continue loving her but not give into this control she seems to excercise. You must avoid getting into that pit. If you enable it it will get worse. I think she needs good counseling as well.
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Old 28th August 2014, 01:01 PM   #3
Raymond
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Re: is it over?

I think you must continue loving her but not give into this control she seems to exercise. You must avoid getting into that pit. If you enable it it will get worse. I think she needs good counseling as well.
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Old 28th August 2014, 10:21 PM   #4
rondoman
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Re: is it over?

I will always love her.I'm actually happy being away from her Because im not constantly Living in fear of making her upset and angry which was incredibly easy to do, but I do miss us being together as a family and im afraid of the day when our child sees whats going on regarding us splitting up. we did counseling together a few times before. And they were okay.she was supposed to get counseling after leaving the mental institution.i plan on calling her tonight to get an idea on what to do. we have been talking and texting on the phone here and there but only about our child. dont get me wrong she does have good qualities,she can be very loving and nurturing to me and our child

Last edited by rondoman; 29th August 2014 at 12:15 AM.
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Old 29th August 2014, 08:54 AM   #5
Raymond
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Re: is it over?

But she does have a problem obviously. I was thinking of personal counselling for her but if she has been in a mental institution she would have had that.

My wife is incredibly nurturing and emphatic with people but I have lived through some dark days at the beginning. Days that I couldn't really handle. There would come a darkness on her at times where she would kneel at my bed and say I'm not sleeping so you are not sleeping. It was utterly rediculous and out of character.

Eventually she went for prayer with people who knew what they were doing who discerned a gypsy spirit that had come down the line from her grandfather who was an actual gypsy. A lot of the darkness was dealt with. There were a few more sessions after a few years and she is a thousand times better these days.

I am not saying your wife has that but what I am saying is there are deep things that can be dealt with which can release the real person and free them. Who knows what is going on with the paranoia she has about you leaving her. It could be rejection or anything. Of course one has to make an effort in general behaviour but sometimes there is something else going on which makes it quite difficult to be normal. Sometimes this comes in the form of lies in her head which she must just stop believing and not give them credit.

I know how powerless you feel and how you need to get away sometimes but there are answers for those brave enough to seek them and I'm not talking about psychology.
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Old 30th August 2014, 03:35 AM   #6
rondoman
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Re: is it over?

we talked on the phone for about two hours last night and she stated how she wasnt thinking clearly the day we last argued and was acting purely on rage. we talked about all the things that annoyed each other and she has come to the conclusion that she wants me to move back in.im not too pleased with the idea of moving back in with her family after that incident,but she feels being that she and the baby are there,that i would have to move back in,in order to make us whole again.most of what i remember when i lived there was her and her mother barking orders at me and my mother in laws husband constantly, be it do this or fix that.and there have been nights after work that i was in constant pain from being on my feet working a twelve our shift in a wharehouse. were i just wasnt able to.it was a 24 hour workshift living there and no time for anything else . i felt that the two were constantly barking orders at me because they dont like men.and i also dont feel nearly as depressed or beat up mentally where i am now. maybe i just need time
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Old 30th August 2014, 09:57 AM   #7
chosen
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Re: is it over?

I think you must insist that you have a home of your own before you reconcile. Its a bad idea to live with in laws, we are supposed to leave our parents and not stay with them when we are married.
She needs to take responsibility for her child and not expect her parents to do that. I had severe depression and still managed to look after three small children and so can she.
You need to be independent from parents and she needs to put you first before them.

TO be honest you have married a very messed up lady and the fact that she hates men isnt good. I feel for the child I really do, and for you.
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Old 31st August 2014, 09:41 AM   #8
Raymond
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Re: is it over?

Also it seems that they exercise some control over you because you are living there. You need time to rest and recover from work. Perhaps you can talk to your wife about this?
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Old 31st August 2014, 10:08 PM   #9
rondoman
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Re: is it over?

we have been texting alot yesterday but it was a bit strange.she kept asking me for sex texting. she has been asking me for that for years honestly.im just not into "sexting" and never found it apealing but but i told her i would try.i feel that sexting is something kids do and i find it immature.but i feel if we are to continue,then we must take an interest in things the other likes.i also insisted she work on her anger and control issues.or i wouldnt step foot back over to her mothers house except for our child.she needs anger control not only for us, but for her own well being.im afraid of her being on some new medicine for anger because she takes several pills on a daily already from seizures meds vertigo meds and cybalta for depression not to mention muscle relaxers.all at her being 24 years old

Last edited by rondoman; 1st September 2014 at 02:36 AM.
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Old 31st August 2014, 10:23 PM   #10
chosen
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Re: is it over?

All these mental illnesses have a cause. What was her childhood like?
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Old 1st September 2014, 02:23 AM   #11
rondoman
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Re: is it over?

Quote:
Originally Posted by chosen View Post
All these mental illnesses have a cause. What was her childhood like?
I believe she was sheltered.being she never left her home town until I came along.youngest of three.she told me there was some sexual abuse by two of her cousins when she was a child. dad was an alchoholic and beat her mother at times.they divorced when my wife was two years old she absolutely hates her dad because he allegedly wasnt there for her and doesnt care about hermy younger brother knew her from highschool and would tell me she would have seizures very frequently and several times a month be carried out on a stretcher to the nearest hospital..im just gonna say it she told me before we met she would meet up with random guys around once a week" just to be held". ofcourse the guys would think they were getting sex but instead performed oral on her.I know therapy is the best way to go and she has been to several.I think there are some lesbian things about her too just the way she carries herself.ugh its rather hard to think about that

Last edited by rondoman; 1st September 2014 at 02:33 AM.
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Old 1st September 2014, 10:17 AM   #12
Raymond
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Re: is it over?

Not really a good foundation for marriage I would say. She obvoiusly has deep problems resulting perhaps from her upbringing or even inheriting things down the family line. She needs deep healing but then again a lot of us do to a certain extent. I only know one source of healing from that kind of thing.

The anger on it's own shows some wounds haven't been healed. There is anger and anger. An uncontrolled anger can do a lot of damage. I expect the roots of hers go deep. I don't know about sexting. If it's not you I don't see the point in trying to contrive it personally.
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Old 1st September 2014, 01:20 PM   #13
ronnoco
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Re: is it over?

A very difficult situation. When you fall in love with someone, you often know nothing of their past and the discovery doesn't stop you loving them. In a way you can love them more because you feel and share their pain. I know this is how I was.

Almost certainly, these past issues are accounting for her problems and her past and even present actions may seem normal to her because perhaps her mind has been warped of what is right, wrong and just plain weird.

The way forward is certainly to get therapy and have the desire and will power to some how put these problems behind her and begin to heal. The problem is, everyone has free will and she must be willing and want to do this. Also, like Raymond said it's easier said that done.

Some people are like terminators and are unwilling to ruin their lives over such things, some only find healing through faith. Some are what I would describe as lost souls and never recover.

I wish you all the best, I do sympathise and know the pain you are going through.
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Old 1st September 2014, 10:24 PM   #14
rondoman
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Re: is it over?

last night in text,she kept demanding me for sex or a quickie by sneaking out and finding a desserted area at night time. i told her no because i felt itwouldnt solve anything. besides the idea was rediculous and against the law.i told her i would come by the next day. and spend time with her and our child and she got angry.she said "here i am giving you this opportunity to screw me and you want to blow it by having family time?!! i think all you want is to be a dad and not a husband and you hurting my feelings!!! if you want to be a dad, fine just leave me out of it!!" does this sound like a nymphomaniac? i keep thinking about that movie BLACK SNAKE MOAN.i told her i needed to talk to her about somethings. i didnt tell her what things because i couldnt think of a delicate way to tell her at the time but i honestly i need something to happen soon regarding her mental state.its kind of like she is possesed or something at times and im talking to someone else.maybe its the meds she takes.

Last edited by rondoman; 1st September 2014 at 10:49 PM.
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Old 1st September 2014, 10:27 PM   #15
rondoman
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Re: is it over?

Quote:
Originally Posted by Raymond View Post
Not really a good foundation for marriage I would say. She obvoiusly has deep problems resulting perhaps from her upbringing or even inheriting things down the family line. She needs deep healing but then again a lot of us do to a certain extent. I only know one source of healing from that kind of thing.

The anger on it's own shows some wounds haven't been healed. There is anger and anger. An uncontrolled anger can do a lot of damage. I expect the roots of hers go deep. I don't know about sexting. If it's not you I don't see the point in trying to contrive it personally.
you keep referring to a "source of healing"or "deep healing" i wouldnt ask but ill take anything i can get!!

Last edited by rondoman; 1st September 2014 at 11:19 PM.
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