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Old 30th July 2012, 04:48 PM   #31
burgh_mom
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Re: Do Separated couples ever get back together??

Quote:
Originally Posted by Johnee S View Post
My advice to you is to do as i had and redirect your focus unto you, get in shape, be social, see other people, be among friends and family. Do not allow yourself to be needy with her, direct that energy into you; she may come around once she sees you are taking better care of yourself but be consistant, don't call her every day telling her you love her and miss her. Instead you should wait for her to call you and keep it casual. Follow her lead and keep your eyes and ears out for suttle hints she may give you regarding her needs and wants with you and simply respond accordingly.

If she does not come around then at least you will be healthier and more confident to move forward in your life.
This is great advice Johnee! I can attest that being needy and pining for your mate presents you in such an unattractive way...My H felt trapped and texting him 300 times a day just reminds him why he asked me to leave. So I'm learning to back off. Work on me. Made a list of 100 things I could do instead of calling him, pursuing him, strangling him. He wants space...I'm going to respect him enough to give it to him.

In the meantime...You wouldn't fall in love with you again either in the messy shape you're in right now! Be strong, even if you have to schedule a good cry and an exhausting workout just before you see your spouse, so that you'll appear calm, cool, collected, sexy and confident enough to make her curious and remember the man she fell in love with long ago.

If it doesn't work out, it's too little too late, she's already gone, there was nothing you could have done anyhow...then you're a leg up on getting back to the real you! This is a win-win. Love is alive. Feed it or it dies. Work it till it thrives. Best wishes

Worry less. Pray more.
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Old 30th July 2012, 05:38 PM   #32
Sillyman
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Re: Do Separated couples ever get back together??

Love this advice.

Thanks.

SM
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Old 11th August 2012, 07:44 PM   #33
JackFruitPaper
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Re: Do Separated couples ever get back together??

Johnee S,
I have to agree this advise is really helpful. I think its very easy to slip in to some kind of depression and isolate yourself. Getting out there must be my road, then if the family fix doesnt happen you can go in to the world as a single person with a much needed confidence.

I have had exactly this happen to me just last Sunday. It came out of the blue, I pushed for answers about why there was no intamacy and why we often bickered unlike we had in our past, and when I asked her if she still loved me she couldnt answer. She had admitted a few days later when I found a few things out that there was more to the story. She admitted to having feelings with a close mutual friend of ours who she had kissed the saturday before and didnt love me.

Tough to hear, I cant make her love me right!

She promises on our 6 and 2 year olds life that nothing more happened, it was the first time, and she is not having an affair, and it was just a drunken kiss. I am inclined to think that the guy she kissed has played on her insecurities and vunerability the last 10 months whilst she confided in him without my knowledge about our problems, and think he has now taken advantage of our personal problems for his own gain and started it with a kiss!

When I found this out, I told her to leave - we werent arguing I was just demonstrating my right to get her away to sort out in her head what she wanted - and whilst I took the kids out for the afternoon, she planned to fly away to cut herself off. She flew off at 6pm that day and I returned with the kids to the house with my mum who had flown in that afternoon to be with me for support (we live on an island) :0)

That was 2 days ago, and before she text me to cut off her mobile phone number so that people stop contacting her as they were finding out whats has happened, I told her she needs to stay away for as long as she can to try sort out what she wants. She wanted to come back after just a week as she would miss the kids, but I said that coming back so soon was selfish and only thinking of her needs to see the kids (which I understand). I said for the kids long term benefit, if we are to work this out, its best she stays away until she really knows what she wants.

Thats where we are, Im with my mum and my 2 girls making sure we hold the fort until her return, and although Im still shocked and hurt, you could say devestated by the sudden news, I am also a realist, and will have to accept whatever fate has in store for me.

A single life after 14 years together and 7 years married is not my preference (im 34 in case readers in a similar situation wondered lol), but if thats the outcome I will accept it and in a few years know that I will have a different life that I will regard as normal to the one I find normal now!

Again just a thanks to Johnee S as I think the advise is very sound and very helpful, and who knows might be the approach that saves my marriage. I would like to keep you posted on what does happen but cant promise. If indeed you have a view on whats happened to me since its so recent please let me know. I was thinking that I should write down each of the possible outcomes from here i.e. stay together, seperation, and all the pros & cons to each scenario. Then maybe asking my wife to do the same thing privately, and then we share our views to see where each of us find our priorities differ. Its just an idea at the moment but one that I think could be a helpful start - thoughts??
Thanks again x
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Old 12th August 2012, 09:16 AM   #34
Raymond
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Re: Do Separated couples ever get back together??

I've never come across that solution before, kicking your wife out until she knows what she wants. You certainly know what you want JFP. It will concentrate her mind one way or the other I should think. You have a lot of courage.

I would imagine it will make or break your marriage. If it breaks it then I would think it had finished anyway. Without taking away from your decisiveness I would imagine you both need to work on your marriage as well when you are both in the place that you can commit and make a go of it.
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Old 13th August 2012, 06:40 AM   #35
1aokgal
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Re: Do Separated couples ever get back together??

Jack...

I am shocked out of my mind that you told your wife to leave over such trivial blown up storm as a drunken kiss! You have taken your children hostage while you punish her for an indescretion (which you believe resulted when she confided in someone about your problems.) You even admit it likely he took advantage with a kiss in a sad moment on her part.

So now that you are "holding down the fort" with your mother, as digging your feet into the turf with her children, is she supposed to beg for your pardon? Do you really believe you are justified in this outrageous behavior? What problems exist in your marriage, that in her sadness, she reached out to someone for comfort? You don't seem to own any responsibility that she is so troubled by these problems, that she was vulnerable.

The children are not in your sole custoday until a court has adjudicated that fact. Children are not the weapons a decent parent uses in anger or pettiness to punish the mother for bad behavior. Your actions in this situation are sure to backfire. You have used your children like a battering ram and thrown your wife out of her own home. Do that behavior on your part show you have any understanding of your place as a man and a husband?

Perhaps this wife will consult a good attorney to see what steps she needs to take to assert her rights. While you claim you hope you can save your marriage, you have proved to be her worst enemy! Did you honestly think using her children as a bargaining chip would make her feel good about this marriage and you?

I think any other man would have handled this incident in a realistic way. There would have been a contrite and tearful apology from her, and a kiss and make-up over a mistaken moment out of your 14 years together. You put it all on the line to prove a selfish point of your pride. You asked the outcome of your actions here? I think she will see this marriage as beyond repair. That is my view of this situation.

Last edited by 1aokgal; 13th August 2012 at 05:39 PM.
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Old 13th August 2012, 08:46 AM   #36
Raymond
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Re: Do Separated couples ever get back together??

That's his standards 1okgal and she may expect that from him as well.

The hope is that she will decide what she really wants. I do see good in that.

No doubt some work will need to be done on the marriage.

Last edited by Raymond; 13th August 2012 at 08:52 AM.
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Old 13th August 2012, 09:53 AM   #37
chosen
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Re: Do Separated couples ever get back together??

I agree Raymond. Its refreshing to see a spouse stand up for himself and his marriage. So often people will just allow all sorts of behaviour while doing nothing about it. She didnt just kiss him(although that is bad enough) she has feelings for him and apparently no longer loves her husband because of it. She needs to choose. The family or the other man.I hope this will bring her to her senses. The one who has done wrong should always be the one who has to leave the home and children, but nearly always, if it is the women who has acted badly, the man will leave. I will never understand why more men dont stand up for themselves and their families in this way. She is playing with fire, and this just might save her from being burnt and loosing everything.
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Old 13th August 2012, 10:41 AM   #38
wounded66
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Exclamation Re: Do Separated couples ever get back together??

I have been separated for a week now...she moved out down the street so she could stay close to the kids and I only agreed to it to make her happy and we were on great terms considering...mostly for the kids...better now right.. don't want the kids growing up thinking fighting between mom and dad is normal.....anyways I had the kids 5 days after she moved out and I put together a box of stuff that was left behind...we made it to her house and knocked on the door...she answered in a towel nothing else...would not let me or the kids in....she had a guy in there...I kinda lost it but I capt hold as much as I could with the kids there...they had no idea..and she denied anything was going on...im missing a lot of the story but trying to keep it quick!.....anyways when I seen the car parked across the street with the same firefighter plates as my wife(she is a firefighter) and she said she had no idea whos car it was`I knew she was lying and I was so mad....almost blind with rage...but the kids were there and they kept me sane..long story short when I accused her of it she half a33 came clean....and we got into a fight...BUT. .. ... .... as much as I wanted to kill the guy I was givin the opportunity to cool off....thank god for my kids being there... I made my way there a day later to declare war and I told her she had to listen to me talk it was the least she could do...remember we were only separated for 5 days but I kept a level head and told her I would listen to her if she listened to me with out any attacks...after I told her about how I was feeling and asked about the other guy I had to listen...part of the deal...but I really listened and today...one day later I have hope we can get back together....there has to be love there for separated people to get back together...I told her I wanted a few months to get over this and that I forgave her for hurting me....even though we were already separated....I went home with a new passion to accept what is and focus on the future...there has to be real love there not a memory I will keep you informed but I believe with acceptance of fault on both parties and respect to give each other space(we have kids so it`s limited and might not work with out the kids) things can work them self's out....all we did was listen to each other.......I know this sounds like im a friggin looser...but after all the yelling and I accepted the past...even a day old I had to ask my self if I could forgive her and I did...that led to the second part......I changed right there...im gonna be the man she wants me to be but im not doing it for her im doing it for me...and I have hope one day we can reconcile .......1.talk and listen....2.acceptance.....3.forgive...not saying it will work but it leaves doors open!!
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Old 13th August 2012, 06:09 PM   #39
1aokgal
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Re: Do Separated couples ever get back together??

I think this situation would be handled differently by most men. This scenario would also play out entirely differently depending on country and culture. The reaction from Jack may be the reason the marriage is in trouble. He understands that she may have been vulnerable but takes no responsibility for the underlying problems that caused her to make such an error in judgment. This husband acted rigid, unloving, unforgiving.

His actions blew this scene far out of proportion. She may never forgive his using these children in such fashion. Maybe he will enjoy the future alone, in his perfection, though he may look back and wish he could have accepted her apology. Maybe the problem was the alcohol and not her morality. Acohol affects the brain and dulls inhibitions, and that is fact.

Last edited by 1aokgal; 14th August 2012 at 06:33 AM.
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Old 14th August 2012, 01:56 AM   #40
1aokgal
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Re: Do Separated couples ever get back together??

Dear wounded...

I am sorry you have been hurt. Sometimes a couple can lose their way in this life and forget what is most important. You were level headed/cool through a difficult situation. I admire your self control and that you thought of the children at that point in your anger.

I hope you can work things out for your family. You were kind, understanding and forgiving in your acceptance of a bad situation. I hope she rethinks her actions.
I don't see you as a loser. I see you as a man who loves deeply and wants a chance to salvage a life with his family and to make it better than it was before.
Whatever happens you will have to work together for the good of the children. I believe love can survive many wounds and problems and become stronger. I hope that happens for you.
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Old 31st July 2014, 06:02 AM   #41
Knopa
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Re: Do Separated couples ever get back together??

I so much feel your pain right now....I pray things will work out for every couple who is going thru hard times at the moment... We need to find the courage in ourselves and take a day at a time...easier said than done.... But if you are still in love with that person, you have to fight for it, fight for the love u have once shared. Im writing this with tears flooding my eyes, that maybe hopefully it'll give you lil hope and faith that somehow things CAN STILL WORK OUT....for everyone in this forum...I have myself been struggling with the same feeling for 3 months now...We were never officially married but have been together for 6 years, 4 of which have lived together under the same roof, the first 2 years were in long distance relationships.... I pray each day that God will hear my prayers.... He is back in Italy right now for 2 months, and I am by myself in the States with the closet full of his things. I know hes gonna be renting his own apt when he gets back, but God, the Hope inside of me just doesn't want to die... Keep ur HOPE UP! God works in mysterious ways!

Love is never wanting to lose faith, never wanting to give up, and never truly moving on. Love is knowing and praying in the deepest part of what's left of your heart that the other feels the same...
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Old 9th September 2014, 06:54 PM   #42
ralfgarnett
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Re: Do Separated couples ever get back together??

Hi Knopa I feel your pain very much indeed, I too have been hurting the same way as you for over 2 months now, I feel so down, so depressed, so lonely, so sad, I miss her with all my heart as I never saw it coming, if you wish then you can read my own story hear as I started a thread on here about a month or so ago, you can see it here http://www.2-in-2-1.co.uk/forums/showthread.php?t=8904
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