Husband not talking to me and he's taken his ring off ADVICE please - 2-in-2-1 Discussion Forums

tdrlmv · 7th September 2014, 08:17 PM

Hi all I'm new to this forum and basically joined to put this out there.

My husband and I have been married for 9 weeks, and it feels ridiculous that I'm already on a marriage advice forum, but we're having problems and I needed some advice. Best place for me to start is the beginning of this "argument"

A friend of mine from out of town came to stay on monday and we went out for a night out with some of my other friends who she doesn't know that well. She was supposed to be staying at my house but whilsy I was dancing inside the club she was outside being sick so another of my friends took her home to his flat. I panicked and wondered what I should do. I didn't want to leave her there by herself because she would have no idea where she was when she woke up and no idea how to get back to mine so my other friends that live with him invited me to stay too. I did and text my husband straight away so he wouldn't worry when he woke up. He called me the next morning and was fine with me having stayed out just a little annoyed he'd had to get up with our daughter when he had wanted a lie in. He had done agency work the day before and had hinted that it might be all week but wasn't sure so I told him to call me if there was a specific time he needed me home by. He called me 15 minutes before I needed to back screaming at me. I got home aa quick as I could and he wasn't late he just had to grab some food from home instead of going to the shop. This was Tuesday morning and he has barely spoken to me since. I discovered on Wednesday that he had taken his wedding ring off as I found it on the bookcase and he still hasn't put it back on. I don't know what to do. He has done this once before and it was shortly after we got married and lasted 3 days but the wedding ring never came off. He has spent almost a quarter of our married life not speaking to me and I don't know what to do. I'm scared his ring coming off is him saying he doesn't want this anymore but every time I try to speak to him she shoots me down.

I just don't know what to do. He never did this before we were married and I don't know if he's scared or what...I'm just confused. I don't want him to leave but this behaviour can't continue

chosen · 7th September 2014, 09:10 PM

Goodness if he is going to act this way every time you have a disagreement then it will never work. Its very childish for him to take his ring off like that.
Did you live together before marriage?I ask this because I have heard of many cases where a couple live together for ages and then they get married and things seem to go wrong.

Have you asked him what is happening and why he has taken his ring off? .

tdrlmv · 7th September 2014, 09:28 PM

Yes. We lived together 2 years before marrying. He won't talk to me at all if I ask him something trivial he might answer with a grunt or one word but if I try to talk about something serious he completely blanks me or leaves the room.

chosen · 7th September 2014, 11:01 PM

So you are saying that he has changed completely in the last few weeks? That he showed none of this type of behaviour before that time?

tdrlmv · 8th September 2014, 08:14 AM

Yes. I mean obviously we argued before like everyone but he would never stop talking to me. I don't know where it's come from. I don't know if getting married has scared him or what because he won't talk to me. He recently lost his job too so that us likely affecting him but he did it before he lost his job too.

Raymond · 8th September 2014, 10:05 AM

What exactly was he annoyed about?

I agree with Chosen in that it is a bit immature the way he is behaving. I'd try and find out why the change is happening. One can have an argument yes but it needs to be duscussed, made up and forgiveness and apologies need to operate. That's all part of maturity.

tdrlmv · 8th September 2014, 11:30 AM

I don't know he won't tell me. I apologised on the phone that day saying that I had not meant to annoy or upset him. It's just annoying and frustrating at the moment because he is working in the afternoon evenings so our kids are always around when we're together and I don't want to argue with him in front of them. I honestly believe he is just annoyed at the time I got home but I did ask him to let me know what time he needed me back for and he didn't and like I said it didn't make him late it just meant he couldn't go out to get lunch and had to have it at home.

Raymond · 8th September 2014, 06:56 PM

He ought to tell you what he is annoyed about to give you a chance to address or it may be that he is in the wrong. Communication is very important as you know in a marriage. It's one of the biggies. You shouldn't have to be second guessing what upset him.

Make sure you don't apologise when you don't even know what you are apologising for. You can say I apologise if I hurt you but you can't own things when you don't know what they are. That is a wrong road to go down as well.

I can only imagine that his communication skills are very low and need to be improved. Perhaps marriage counselling will help or just even the mention of marriage counselling will start some communication. You just have to stand your ground I think. You cannot fix what you don't know. Hopefully he will learn that things cannot go anywhere if he doesn't share and communicate.

chosen · 8th September 2014, 07:18 PM

I had a father who used to stay silent if he was annoyed about something. Once when I was in my teens, he didnt talk to mum or my brother and I for three months. We didnt have a clue what was happening. Its a manipulative tool to get others to do what they want. It means you have to walk on eggshells all the time and live in a horrible atmosphere.

Dont bend over backwards to try and get him out if it, play him at his own game and get on with your life as if nothing is wrong. You cant let his manipulation win, or he will do it every time he isnt happy about something. I have to question his commitment to this marriage if he is going to take his ring off all the time for stupid reasons.

I swore I would never marry a man like that.

Raymond · 8th September 2014, 07:31 PM

That came to my mind as well after I wrote Chosen.

Tdrimv you musn't let yourself be controlled or manipulated. Don't accept the pressure of it. That would be taking your freewill away and freewill is very important in relationships.

tdrlmv · 9th September 2014, 01:17 AM

I have been acting as though I'm fine because I didn't last time and he clearly didn't get the message that it was not acceptable behaviour. So I am standing my ground and trying to remain strong if only to make sure our children aren't affected by it.

And chosen like I said he never behaved like this before. My sons ddad was very controlling and it's why I left him, I swore I'd never have that kind of relationship again and I didn't think I did but here I am. But against all odds I love him and I made a vow to love him for better for worse. I just need us to move past this and for him to realise he can't behave like this.

To be honest it is him taking the ring off that has upset me the most. And what's worse is I don't think he's aware that I know he has taken off as it was tucked away. So that says to me it is not a childish tactic but that he's done it for himself. Unless he hoped I would find it. And I haven't told him I know as if he did do it just to hurt me I can't show him that it's affecting me otherwise I feel it endorses his behaviour.

We get some time alone tomorrow I believe so I will hopefully get a chance to sit him down and talk this through.

Raymond · 9th September 2014, 08:51 AM

Taking the ring off could be manipulating tactics. I hope that it is that actually and not anything else as bad as it is.

Pretending not to notice is probably quite wise as you are refusing to be manupulated. That is very important I think. The other way you would begin to be controlled which has to be avoided. Refusing to be controlled can still be loving as you are not enabling the negative in him. We all have to do that occasionally in marriage. You feel cruel and unloving but it is the right thing to do. Love has to be tough sometimes.

ralfgarnett · 9th September 2014, 10:01 PM

I think he needs to grow up and realise just how lucky he is, try telling him your leaving him if he doesn't buck his ideas up that will bring him to his senses, I wish you luck your going to need it I think with the big baby but I do feel for you, hope it all works out for you.