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Old 27th September 2011, 11:28 PM   #16
1aokgal
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Re: Broken Hearted

Dear Joe..

I would like you to stop a minute and really think about your life. Let me tell you this. There are SO many women out there who pray and wish for a good man in their lives. Some lost husbands from illness and some married a man who thinks like your wife, who just lives for herself, selfish and ungiving. Life is just too short for you to go on living in limbo.

She is using your home like a way stop so she can just keep one foot in the door (and loves her cats.) That is so when things don't work out in the high life, she can jump back in there for a while before she launches out again. Don't you want a woman you can be proud to be beside who looks at you with that look that tells others how much you mean to her? She is a woman who gives you joy. She is a woman you can trust and you don't need to run behind to see if there is something else going on. I am not in sympathy or understanding with the FB crowd either.

Did you know FB is mentioned in almost 50% of divorce actions of marriages in trouble. People can hook up to engage in mental intrigues that undermine a decent marriage.
In your situation you need to go back to the drawing board.
Change the locks, dear. Make "goodbye" a permanent word in that marriage. It takes two to make a good life and both must know the basic principles of a christian marriage and life.

Joe, you sound like a sweet man and a keeper. You don't deserve to be treated so lightly. Hug the cats. Maybe consider some healing meetings as separated/divorced workshops if you are in the US or talk to someone about making a transition from that terrible unhappiness and cutting loose of dead baggage. In time I am sure love will come to you as it should. Ask and expect more. Don't give so much you apologize for expecting someone to know the boundaries in a marriage. You won't be the first who loved and lost, or the last. There is life out there!

God loves constancy, but when you have give it all and it is taken as nothing...than it is time to call an end and begin again. Polish yourself up and keep a smile and let friends and family give you some assist during a transition. Don't put yourself out to get kicked in the face as it happens in that marriage. Maybe it is time to work on the personal traits that keep you bound in a hopeless circle of emotional downers? We need to learn what got us where we are to select a better path next time.

Is she involved? Why did she do this? Who cares! You deal with you, and stop reacting to what SHE does. We can never heal until we deal with our own issues. Perhaps it is a good time to go away a weekend somewhere. Just go and enjoy yourself while you sort out things. If she has any feelings for you still maybe she will realize you take control of that situation and will rethink her life plan.
God bless you.

Last edited by 1aokgal; 28th September 2011 at 01:57 AM.
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Old 27th October 2011, 04:37 PM   #17
Joeschmo
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Re: Broken Hearted

Here's an update.

After weeks of hoping that by some osmosis or act of god, my wife would realise she had made a mistake and try and work on our marriage and realise how selfish her actions had been, I made the choice to stop hoping. I have taken off my wedding ring and have changed my relationship status on facebook. Those things were like scratching an infected wound of my failed marriage.

She has made the choice to give up a lot of security and comfort because she "does not love me in that way anymore", I'm not going to be able to make her change her mind and if she wants to give up the support and love that I have give her over the last 18 years then, more fool her. It doesn't mean that it doesn't hurt or I don't miss her everyday, but making the choice has helped.

I want to heal as soon as I can, I want to be able to think of our time together as a happy memory because we truly had a great time together for 90% of the time. I'm glad that we didn't end up hating each other. I want to allow myself to feel the anger that I feel.

I already feel better than I did a month ago, it's sad now, it's not a tragedy. I'm going to be okay, I'm not yet, but one day I will be.
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Old 27th October 2011, 06:41 PM   #18
Raymond
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Re: Broken Hearted

Well done Joeschmo. It doesn't appear that you had any choice. I suspect she has met someone else by the way she is behaving. It is very sad that a wife would just drift out like that.

You have to look after yourself though and have a funeral for her. Put it behind you and heal, which you will in time. You can't look back now but must look forward and move forward and not let it ruin your future.
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Old 27th October 2011, 07:24 PM   #19
Chamomile
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Re: Broken Hearted

It never ceases to amaze me as to how some people casually discard their marriage without trying to repair first, only because "she" or "he" fell out of love, one day and decided to move on. Unbelievable!! It seems their love is so cheap and fickle. These men or women may some day, find themselves in a situation where they're the ones who get discarded and realize how much that would hurt.
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Old 28th October 2011, 06:59 PM   #20
Joeschmo
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Re: Broken Hearted

Raymond - I don't think she has, I asked her directly and she said that there wasn't anyone else. I cannot see why she would lie at this stage, and she doesn't like lying anyway. I think it's a case of seeing whether the grass is greener. In some ways I think it might be easier for me if it was that she had met someone else rather than given it all up just cause she doesn't want to be with me.

Chamomile - that's the thing that upsets me the most, we were married for 15 years surely that's worth fighting for.

I don't cry every day anymore, I may be getting stronger, or it may be the prozac.
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Old 28th October 2011, 07:18 PM   #21
Chamomile
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Re: Broken Hearted

Quote:
Originally Posted by Joeschmo View Post

Chamomile - that's the thing that upsets me the most, we were married for 15 years surely that's worth fighting for.

I don't cry every day anymore, I may be getting stronger, or it may be the prozac.
Hi Joeschmo

I agree with you. What a shame to throw away a good enough marriage which lasted so long.

On the other hand, that's really good to hear you are not so sad about the situation any more. Well done
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Old 28th October 2011, 07:33 PM   #22
1aokgal
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Re: Broken Hearted

Dear Joeschmo...

I suspect this has been a long time in the mills. I doubt you had any happiness the last few years as this was working toward blowoff. It seems we are an expendable society and throwaway everything....even people. You must have ignored a lot of warning signs along the way and tried to keep things going.

This is a hit, but it might be the beginning of the next half of your life which is happy and has peace.
Work on your personal issues to be healthy. Join a gym, a group or take up an interest that wasn't compatible in your relationship. Go fishing, see friends and renew links with family. One day you will
look back and wonder what you saw in her. We do grow and we do change. We can love again and find passion and make a better life. Many here have done it as you will one day. It sounds like you are a keeper.

When you see her, keep the anger in check and work compromise so you will both go forward without hurt to the other. I don't think you can be friends, but don't be enemies. Good luck.
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Old 21st December 2011, 01:52 PM   #23
Joeschmo
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Re: Broken Hearted

An update:
Well she came round at the weekend and told me what I already basically already knew. She said that she had started seeing the person that she had moved in with. She said it had been only going on for two weeks but I don't believe her. I feel like I have started the grieving process all over again.

At least I know where I stand and theres no hope.
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Old 21st December 2011, 01:58 PM   #24
chosen
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Re: Broken Hearted

So she says that she has moved in with him after 2 weeks?
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Old 21st December 2011, 03:10 PM   #25
Joeschmo
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Re: Broken Hearted

No, This is the "story". She moved into his spare room when she left me (on sept 11) she said that she started seeing him two weeks ago. - it's doomed!

It's so strange, Reading through the thread, she has treated me terribly and now to start a new relationship so quickly shows no compassion for me at all...but I still love her...


... but I'm probably better off without her.
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Old 21st December 2011, 03:23 PM   #26
chosen
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Re: Broken Hearted

So how did she move into his spare room without 'seeing' him? Why did she move into his house if she didnt know him before?

lWhere do you live? Grounds for divorce are different in different countries. The fact is that she is probably sleeping with him now while still married to you, and is therefore committing adultery whenever it started. The other fact is that she has been living in the same house as him ever since she left you. You may need to write all these facts down. If you live in Ireland or somewhere and do have to show adultery, you have a strong case. If you live elsewhere, say in the UK, just the fact that she has left you and is seeing another man will be enough to show unreasonable behaviour.

Last edited by chosen; 21st December 2011 at 03:34 PM.
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Old 22nd December 2011, 02:16 AM   #27
Joeschmo
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Re: Broken Hearted

We've both known him for about 3 years. I even hugged him goodbye the last time I saw him (this was before I knew they were seeing each other)
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Old 22nd December 2011, 10:12 PM   #28
Raymond
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Re: Broken Hearted

Some friend stealing your wife Joeschmo. I had always suspected it. It never made sense without it.

Now that it has been made sure you can burn your bridges have a funeral for her and move on. I know it is easy for me to say but you have to get to that place so that you can heal more quickly. He will have his problems no doubt living with an adulterer with a drinking problem. Maybe it is a blessing in disguise.
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Old 23rd December 2011, 06:27 PM   #29
Chamomile
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Re: Broken Hearted

Divorce does have emotional costs as well as financial costs.
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Old 3rd January 2012, 05:02 PM   #30
Joeschmo
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Re: Broken Hearted

This is going to sound really stupid andI know what you are all going to say (especially 1aokgal) but I thought I would post my thoughts on this forum.

I spoke to my (ex-?) wife yesterday on the phone. She phoned me about her moving her stuff out and we got talking about the break up and I really let her have it. I wasn't abusive but I pulled no punches and told her exactly what I thought of her leaving me, not wanting to try and sort out the marriage, and starting a relationship with a friend (!) so quickly after leaving me (a story she still sticks to).

I guess all my pent up anger came out in that conversation. The thing is, it was awful, she was crying and I didn't care, the rage still just kept coming...

...the thing is...

... now I feel absolutely awful. I almost feel like apologising.

Thoughts?
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