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Old 10th July 2011, 11:24 PM   #1
arcos
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How to deal with a NEW relationship...?

I suppose the title should read how to FIND a new relationship.... Perhaps?

After 18 months alone following a torrid separation and ongoing issues (they are all on this site for those who want to read) I met a lady, by chance, whilst having a drink in my local bar. This lady had no knowledge of me or my 'ongoing issues' despite being the talk of the region! I knew of this lady but nothing much else.

Anyway, cut a long story short, over a 16 month period we dated, we cohabited for a while, separated, cohabited and separated for good. It was a difficult relationship and one that was doomed to failure from the very outset. Different cultures, different back grounds, different everything really.

How does one meet someone who is likely to be THE one? What ever THE one really is of course!?!?

I am currently casually seeing someone who I have known for nearly 4 years, even before the separation who COULD be THE one... But the fear of yet another failed relationship is just holding everything back, emotions, feelings, the works really.

In the past I have been very much an all or nothing type of guy. I want to meet someone, fall in love, live happily ever after... I find that now I am really blocking everything despite my feelings telling me to just go with the flow.

This post ex thing is pretty difficult and confusing.....
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Old 11th July 2011, 10:14 AM   #2
Raymond
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Re: How to deal with a NEW relationship...?

I think it is a bit early to have affairs. The other girl sounds as confused as you were and also doesn't know what she wants. I would bide your time and not get involved. Certainly not sleep with someone without the commitment of marriage. That does lead to confusion and will make it more unlikely for you to meet the right one or even to recognise her if you did meet her.
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Old 11th July 2011, 12:35 PM   #3
chosen
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Re: How to deal with a NEW relationship...?

I agree. Are you even divorced yet? It is recommended that you leave it at least 2 years after a divorce before dating again to give yourself time to heal and get yourself together. Also dont keep sleeping with women, leave that for marriage and committment.Otherwise it just complicates things even more.
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Old 11th July 2011, 02:48 PM   #4
Helen_uk
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Re: How to deal with a NEW relationship...?

I would say arcos that if you're feeling unsure then you're not ready for a new relationship.

I don't subscribe to the 2 year rule, I think everyone is different... but I do think that if being with someone else doesn't feel right then it isn't right.

Given that your ex is still causing major problems in your life, I think you might find it easier to deal with if you aren't having to take another woman's feelings into account too... There's nothing wrong with having female friends to talk to , but if it's getting complicated then it isn't worth the stress.
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Old 17th July 2011, 11:04 PM   #5
JWD
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Re: How to deal with a NEW relationship...?

I can't even find someone I want to see more than once. well there is one person but he doesn;t seem to want to see much of me which sickeningly instantly makes him more appealing to me!

It's been 2 years and four months for me but I know myself I'm not ready to meet 'the one' because I'm looking for perfection which is just ridiculous. i always manage to find something wrong with them, just not suitable, too much baggage, not over their ex, wears the wrong trainers etc... let me know when you get the answer :-)
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Old 17th July 2011, 11:25 PM   #6
chosen
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Re: How to deal with a NEW relationship...?

JWD
It was at least 3 years before I had any interest in meeting another man, and before I was emotionally ready also, after my marriage ended. Also as a Christian woman in my 40's (as I was then) who wanted to meet a Christian man of around that age, it was even harder because they are like gold dust.lol. All churches have far more divorced/single women than men and this gets worse as you get older.

However, after 6 years, I did meet my now husband on a Christian dating site, so I feel really blessed. Even after all that time though, there is always baggage when you are both middle aged and have been married before, but this can be worked through. It would totally put me off though, if the guy couldnt stop talking about his ex, either because he was bitter towards her, or because he was just not over her.

As you say though none of us are perfect.
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Old 17th July 2011, 11:35 PM   #7
JWD
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Re: How to deal with a NEW relationship...?

They honestly can;t win with me.. if they don't talk about their ex's like my ex didn;t, then I assume they are emotional cripples and if they do talk and are bitter and whiny, then I reckon they aren';t over them.. I know it still me and my emotional baggage. I think because I've read everything ever written on divorce and relationships that I think I'm a psychologist. pffffft.

Glad you met someone.. I know I will eventually, I;'m so very fussy. :-)
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Old 18th July 2011, 04:54 PM   #8
arcos
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Re: How to deal with a NEW relationship...?

Well, as a non Christian I think I do have a slightly different outlook on life to others here. That is not to disrespect the views of those who are of Christian belief and have supported me for more than two years!

I am VERY much over my STILL wife and the rubbish that she still continues is merely a fly that keeps coming back.

The girl I was seeing was far too soon and was never really going to work. The girl I have met now, well thats something different. However, we have decided to put things on the back burner for a while. Even though I am having the best time, for a LONG time, I feel that I need to focus on work right now and get myself into a viable position with my business.

After that? Well, who knows? I have very good friends, male and female, and I hope that I can continue to be happy!
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Old 22nd July 2011, 07:08 PM   #9
Helen_uk
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Re: How to deal with a NEW relationship...?

Arcos ,

I think you have to go with what feels right for you . I don't think there's a right or wrong way of doing new relationships.

I dated pretty much straight away after my break up , but not seriously. By dating I mean having the odd coffee or meal out with members of the opposite sex . I had a 6 month relationship with one guy and it was good , we broke up amicably for mutual reasons but it was fun while it lasted. I don't think all relationships have to be a long term commitment , if both parties are fully aware of the situation .

4 years on I'm happy and settled with someone I met 18 months after the break up of my LTR . We started as friends and it grew into more and we now spend most of our time living together , having been married twice and with grown children I don't feel the need to re-marry at present and he's happy either way.

Go with your instincts and do what feels right for you.
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Old 22nd July 2011, 11:54 PM   #10
chosen
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Re: How to deal with a NEW relationship...?

helen you are right in that it depeonds what you are looking for. I have never been interested in causual friendships/relationships that werent leading anywhere with no committment. After my marriage ended I knew that I wanted to marry again if possible, but I also know that it took me 3-4 years before I was ready for that sort of long term relationship/marriage. I wouldnt have wanted to go out with a guy who I wasnt interested in marrying, or who wasnt interested in marrying me. Cant see the point myself.

Maybe because my first marriage was so long (25 years) and because it ended so suddenly and traumatically, that I was in no fit emotional state to even think about another man or relationship for 3-4 years. Maybe thats unusual, but all my time and energy seemed to be taken uo with trying to help my hurting children, and hold everything together, and to be both a mum and dad, that I just had no emotional reserves left for anything else.
I do know, and have seen, that men especially do tend to jump quickly into new relationships/marriages. I can think of three men whose wives died, and within a year or just over, they were married again. Amazing. If my DH died I cant think that I would ever marry again let alone after a year.
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Old 23rd July 2011, 02:40 PM   #11
Helen_uk
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Re: How to deal with a NEW relationship...?

I had no friends of either sex when my LTR broke up. It wasn't allowed during my relationship and gradually all of my friends drifted away. I joined a social site that was aimed at dating AND friendship , it was marvellous for me. It gave me back a social life without feeling I had to date.

After the trauma I'd been through I didn't want to commit to anyone. Having been married at 16 and having my first child at 19 I missed out on my teen age years , so I guess the last few years have been my chance at being care free.

My partner and I are committed and faithful to each other , however marriage isn't something we are ready for and I prefer to retain my own house ... for now.

Some people jump straight into new relationships, possibly as a way of boosting their self confidence after being badly hurt . These relationships are pretty much guaranteed to fail. I have a few friends though ( some from this site ) who've formed relationships within weeks and are still happy together ( one even having recently had her first child ) 5 years later.

It very much does depend on what you need , and how you feel.
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Old 28th July 2011, 11:05 AM   #12
arcos
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Re: How to deal with a NEW relationship...?

It's all very complex, this relationship stuff isnt it!

Last week, I bumped into the only lady who I have had a relationship since the separation in 2009. We had a coffee and a chat. This week we went out for lunch by the river and talked, almost for the first time, in a very clear, honest and free way about our relationship and about how we felt about each other then and now.

She wants to have another try at a relationship.

Because of the clarity and honesty of our talk and I was able to say some things that, perhaps, could be considered a bit hard about her, I said that we could have a try BUT on very different terms!

I do not want to end up back in a 'suffocating' relationship again with her and I am happy, for now and the foreseeable future, to see each other a couple of times a week and take things VERY slowly!

There are many a varied factors why our relationship failed the first time and, of course, it could fail again, but I have developed quite a lot since our first relationship and am quite a stronger, more rounded person. I believe that she too has changed for the better..... Time will tell if we can make it or if we will just be good friends.
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Old 28th July 2011, 03:34 PM   #13
1aokgal
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Re: How to deal with a NEW relationship...?

Hi Arco..

If you are not just blown away with attraction to this lady..I'd pass on it. Remember the saying, "Where will you be when your ship comes in? At the airport?" Passing time with somebody isn't finding a great love and a partner for life which is possible for you when you are available and free to find that person.

My history was...I would rather go out alone, than on go out with any date. I turned down nice invitations. My friend actually tried to fix me up with a guy one eve. I arrived to get surprised to a set-up meeting with him. I was quite put out with her and didn't want to hurt his feelings but.... I talked a few minutes and excused myself to go sit at the bar. Then I danced with others. I met my husband that night.

While I passed time with Mr. Not special I might have missed the real love for me. Just a thought!
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Old 28th July 2011, 05:25 PM   #14
arcos
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Re: How to deal with a NEW relationship...?

Great post!!! 1aokgal

I am not sure that I have EVER found that GREAT LOVE you speak of.

However, I will almost certainly be at the bus terminal when that ship turns up!

I live in a land of couples, of marrieds, of families. Yes I do know some single women but they are just not my type, whatever that is?

This person is a very good friend, and that is how things will be until something happens, either we go our separate ways or we start something more, but that is a LONG way off!

I do have an attraction to this lady, blown away but it? No.

I have quite a few female friends, married of course, who I get on better with than the husbands. I meet them for coffee occasionally in very PUBLIC places and talk for hours. I have a real connection with them. Yes their husbands know we meet, they occasionally come along, yes I do know the husbands and go out for a beer with them.

There is nothing sexual about the relationships that I have with these women. They are very interesting people who like to have 'proper' conversation with and not talk about football, beer, and pool chemicals! YAWN!
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