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Old 13th November 2011, 10:08 PM   #166
Forever
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Re: Husband doesn't want sex

Hi Chosen,
The problem is that Baroness is not yet in the position to leave. She will have to wait on God for that opportunity....she has no employment, is not physically well, has no family or friends that she can stay with, and you cant get a place to live without proving a qualifying amount of income. God is practical as well as merciful.

I think He would not be offended if she is committed to remain pure while being there....and putting pressure on Gabby should be God's doing at this point...then Baroness will have peace that this is what he wants too.

Last edited by Forever; 13th November 2011 at 10:22 PM.
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Old 14th November 2011, 12:22 AM   #167
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Re: Husband doesn't want sex

I agree, Forever, and I wasn't going to tell him I would be leaving if the door opened. I'm not going to say anything. He was so nice to me today, telling me dinner was great and now he wants to watch a show together. Anyway, I was just going to wait and see what God reveals to me. Gabby would be very upset if I told him I would be leaving him eventually.

It is not the time to talk to him anyway, he has his mind on the van and paying the cable tomorrow. If I decide to leave him then it would be when I find out about my disability or God opened some other door. And just to clarify, I have not been going around bringing up marriage to him all the time. I talked to him twice and both times he brought it up. I don't nag him about marrying me, that's not my style and I don't even mention it for a long time and neither does he.

I see him smile at me today and wonder how I will ever leave. It will truly crush him and he won't be expecting it although at times I think he is. If he were worried so much about it then why wouldn't he try to please me and do the right thing? It did occur to me that he might be abstaining from sex because God was dealing with him about it but I kind of doubt it. Its in God's hands now.
 
Old 14th November 2011, 12:45 PM   #168
chosen
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Re: Husband doesn't want sex

Quote:
Originally Posted by Forever View Post
Hi Chosen,
The problem is that Baroness is not yet in the position to leave. She will have to wait on God for that opportunity....she has no employment, is not physically well, has no family or friends that she can stay with, and you cant get a place to live without proving a qualifying amount of income. God is practical as well as merciful.

I think He would not be offended if she is committed to remain pure while being there....and putting pressure on Gabby should be God's doing at this point...then Baroness will have peace that this is what he wants too.
The lady I know has had to move in with her dad and step mum for a while until she is in a position to get somewhere of her own. Baroness has a lovely mum that she could live with if she takes that road, but surely getting married asap is the best choice.
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Old 14th November 2011, 12:48 PM   #169
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Re: Husband doesn't want sex

Quote:
Originally Posted by Baroness View Post
I agree, Forever, and I wasn't going to tell him I would be leaving if the door opened. I'm not going to say anything. He was so nice to me today, telling me dinner was great and now he wants to watch a show together. Anyway, I was just going to wait and see what God reveals to me. Gabby would be very upset if I told him I would be leaving him eventually.

It is not the time to talk to him anyway, he has his mind on the van and paying the cable tomorrow. If I decide to leave him then it would be when I find out about my disability or God opened some other door. And just to clarify, I have not been going around bringing up marriage to him all the time. I talked to him twice and both times he brought it up. I don't nag him about marrying me, that's not my style and I don't even mention it for a long time and neither does he.

I see him smile at me today and wonder how I will ever leave. It will truly crush him and he won't be expecting it although at times I think he is. If he were worried so much about it then why wouldn't he try to please me and do the right thing? It did occur to me that he might be abstaining from sex because God was dealing with him about it but I kind of doubt it. Its in God's hands now.
I think that telling him how important it has become for you to be married isnt nagging, its being honest. How will he know that your views on this have changed unless you tell him?
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Old 14th November 2011, 03:51 PM   #170
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Re: Husband doesn't want sex

But I have already told him, and recently. He just came in and told me that he just can't do this anymore, paying the bills. He said he doesn't mean to vent at me but he's frustrated and he just can't do this. I don't know what he expects me to do. He says by the time he pays the rent and the cable he has no money to fix the van and he's very upset and frustrated.

He knew how much the cable was and he's saying he has to put his banjo in hock to get the rest of the cable bill. I have told him many times that the cable is so high because of all the movie channels he insists on having. Maybe he shouldn't have spent the money at the bar earlier this month. I don't know what to say to him anymore. Things happen. He just gave me a hundred dollars but that isn't enough.

I don't understand him. If he knew all this, when we got a break on smogging the van, why did he go to the stupid bar and spend money? Now he's in there watching tv and I have to pay this bill today or tomorrow at the very latest. I already pay the electric. I have to be very careful now on what I say to him because it seems as if he's about to blow a fuse.

I don't know what to do or say anymore. I realize this is frustrating for him and it makes me feel bad because I can't help him. I already pay for the groceries. Maybe I should just take the movie channels off. He only watches them once in awhile anyway. He's keeping everything inside instead of giving it to God and trusting him.

He always sees the glass empty, not even half empty and how do you deal with someone like that? I know its hard with the van being down. All I can do is pray and trust God to help me deal with him and this situation.
 
Old 14th November 2011, 05:17 PM   #171
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Re: Husband doesn't want sex

Sorry about ending my last entry so abruptly. I went and told him I didn't know what to say but that I was sorry things were happening like this. He seemed a little calmer so in a calm voice I said the best thing to do is to get rid of the movie channel and then when things are better we can get them back.

I also offered to get rid of my dvr which is through cable and that is twenty a month and tapes movies that I can't watch cause he's in there watching something else and this is really a sacrifice for me but I felt it necessary. He agreed and it is already done; this will save about thirty or more a month. Usually when he comes in all frustrated like that I snap at him because he's taking it out on me but I was very calm.

When trouble happens in relationships it very easy to start an argument and for some reason I was just calm and handled it in a calm manner. Poor guy has to go hock his banjo. He's done it before when things got slim but now he has to either walk to the pawn shop or take a bus. I feel bad that he's so frustrated but he really shouldn't have been spending money at the bar.

Of course at that time he didn't know the van was going to go out but it was still a waste of money. He doesn't deal with sudden problems too well but today was an improvement over how he usually would act. He must have meditated this morning. Anyway, its a day to day process and I talked to God this morning and all I can do is trust in him.
 
Old 14th November 2011, 05:53 PM   #172
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Re: Husband doesn't want sex

Quote:
Originally Posted by Baroness View Post
But I have already told him, and recently. He just came in and told me that he just can't do this anymore, paying the bills. He said he doesn't mean to vent at me but he's frustrated and he just can't do this. I don't know what he expects me to do.


I have to be very careful now on what I say to him because it seems as if he's about to blow a fuse.


He always sees the glass empty, not even half empty and how do you deal with someone like that?
Hi

Yes.

I often get the impression that your guy is begrudgingly continuing this relationship almost as if he's doing you some huge favour. You have been together over 7-9 years (?), not that I remember it correctly. Perhaps you are in a relationship which has seen better days?

He sounds like he doesn't particularly want this relationship to continue, does he? He seems to be "married" to his TV & canceling Cable probably, won't go down very well, I should think. Does he want to downsize and move somewhere smaller for himself alone? I wonder if that's what he means by "he can't do this anymore" but he's unable to tell you precisely what it is he cannot continue?

Plus, you don't have any physical intimacy at all with him anymore and you are virtually two roommates or brother and sister living under the same roof and it's not like two people loving each other as a couple and that may something to do with his statement of "he cannot do this anymore"? You have been living together so many years and it is probably a difficult situation for him as well.
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Old 15th November 2011, 02:05 AM   #173
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Re: Husband doesn't want sex

No, that isn't what he meant. He meant he can't continue to pay everything out and not get enough in when something happens. There is nothing begrudging about his attitude in this relationship. In fact, he's mentioned several times that he's afraid I'm going to leave him or that I will leave him. If I am gone too long he gets worried and when I come home he says he's been worried about me and he missed me.

There is still some affection between us, we kiss sometimes and hug, there is just no actual sex. He's told me that if he didn't love me he wouldn't be here. He's just really frustrated about finances and its no picnic for me either but he asked me to check out some things for him on line regarding the van and so that's what I've been doing. He isn't thinking about anything but fixing that car.

He agreed to drop some things off cable and so we have and now it will be a little better but rather hard for me because what I gave up I use on a day to day basis to tape things while he's watching his reruns. Sometimes it is like we are roommates and I don't feel any differently after yesterday's thread and my decision to wait for an open door.

Its really what I was doing anyway. I thought it would be hard knowing I might be leaving him but it hasn't made any difference in anything around here because we're usually in separate rooms for most of the time anyway. I have been spending some time in there watching football and other things but he's on one end of the sofa and i'm on the other.

I think he's afraid that I will find someone else, by the comments he makes when i'm on the computer sometimes, and yet he does nothing to make me feel loved and needed. He's polite enough but if we split tomorrow he would go back to hanging out in the bars. Maybe I'm wrong but I doubt it. We are two people right now just dealing with a crisis in our life and it will be better eventually.

I am certainly more affectionate than he is and no one could call me clingy by any standards but I'm certainly more loving than he is. Of course he has put his arms around me and kissed me but what is that? My mother could do that. To tell you the truth, I'm confused by him. I know he loves me and yet he makes no move towards intimacy.

Of course I am no longer asking God to deal with him about making love to me because we aren't married and that's the only change. I don't have to worry about refusing him in that way, I don't think, so you are right in that we are roommates, but we still love each other. He says all the time that we are going to be together.

I hate to burst his bubble on that score but I am still waiting for God's direction. I don't want to hurt him and I don't want to desert him and have him lose this place but I can't just go on living with a man who i'm not married to and who doesn't seem to want sex at all. Even when he's come to bed he either just goes to sleep or holds me tightly and goes to sleep.

I think we are going through a rough patch right now and its been rather hard for quite awhile now and he hasn't helped with his lack of interest either. On some level we are the best of friends, we know each other and are very kind to each other. However; I don't think that he really knows me. He has never asked about my past but of course it has come up from time to time but he says things sometimes and I know that he doesn't really know me at all. He knows little things, like I keep a clean house and I am creative and I am honest with him and that I write novels and he always supports me in that.

I would miss him if I didn't see him all the time. I used to have a way with men where I would find a way to make them open up to me and tell me how they felt. It is just a way of speaking to a man where he doesn't feel pressured and so I would get the answers I was looking for. Not with this one. I know how to talk to him so that he will accept what I'm saying but I don't know how to get him to be more romantic and he won't tell me the truth about why he sleeps out there.

Maybe he's afraid I'm going to attack him in the night or something and I would never do that. And maybe he just spent too much of his life in bars and doesn't know how to deal with life outside of them. A couple of my friends think that is the case. Who knows? I used to read people pretty well but he's so closed up that I have no idea what he's thinking. I only know that he does love me and we still have very special moments but there are certain things that are not allowed to talk about and that is the sex issue and apparently the marriage issue. I don't think he's been honest with me about either one of them.

I have made my wishes known in both things and if he chooses to not care how I feel then there is nothing I can do about it. I'm not going to humiliate myself by asking him about marriage again or why he doesn't want sex. Now I have to concentrate on living the way God wants me to and you may be right; we may have already lived our best days together and from here on it might just be down hill.
I'm trying not to dwell on it too much because this is the way it is and has been for awhile. I know he feels bad that we had to drop some things from the cable and he feels bad about not being able to support us in a better way.

I just tell him everything will be all right and make light of the things I've had to give up, not just the cable situation, but even the sex thing. I don't pressure him in that area and whenever I've spoken to him about it I've done it in a nice way and even in a light manner but still got my point across. I've never had a man act this way while with me but its clear I'm not going to get the answers I seek. Maybe he was just so damaged by the things in his past that I never had a chance to begin with.

Last edited by Baroness; 15th November 2011 at 02:20 AM.
 
Old 15th November 2011, 09:19 AM   #174
beenthere
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Baronness

okay, if you are a christian the bible say you are not to withhold sex from your spouse only in agreement when you are fasting, for a certain amount of time and afterwards you make sure you come together to avoid temptation. So, as christian holding out from your spouse is against the bible. If you are holding out for years, there has to be a deeper issue. that is not normal and it has only become normal because that is what has been accepted. You have to find out why your husband do not want to talk about it and why he is not interested in sex. Try talking about it and finding out what is his fantasy and playing it out.
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Old 15th November 2011, 05:59 PM   #175
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Re: Husband doesn't want sex

Wow all this has happened so fast. I thought you was married as well Baroness. Also one subconsciously takes in "Husband Doesn't want Sex" and would see that as your married position.

That does change things but you did say that you have changed and now you find yourself in this position. Sex is not an issue for the moment obviously and maybe the full blessing wasn't there on the union because things were not right.

I think the choices are get married or end the common law marriage. He has to realise it's one or the other. This will be a test for the relationship. From your writings he seems to be the one offering marriage so he cannot be such a long way from that. It would help his security as well I would think. I don't know what you would think about that but if you needed a door out as you have been contemplating this is it. You obviously have a lot to decide and need our prayers which I am sure you have.
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Old 16th November 2011, 12:34 AM   #176
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Wink Re: Husband doesn't want sex

Beenthere, I am engaged to him, not married, just a common law marriage and I have talked to him and it has been established that he either has erectile disfunction or low sex drive and it took many posts to figure that out. Sex is no longer the issue because we aren't having it and we won't be because we are not married and even if he, by some miracle, wants it now I have to refuse until we are married, but it is highly unlikely that we will get married because we've been engaged for five years.

Raymond, I told my mother about how things are and asked her to pray for me and she agrees that I can't remain living with him if he doesn't want to get married. She said I have always treated him really well and he isn't doing right by me. She really thought we would get married and we've been praying about it but to be married to a man who lies about his reasons for not being with me? Is this a christian?

I found out he has been keeping other things from me, financial things in the past and he doesn't think of it as lying if he doesn't say anything. I am not allowed to ask any details about the money his attorney sends him and he says it has nothing to do with me, which hurt me very much since I thought we were a couple at least. I give and give and am patient and do for him, wait on him and he puts forth no effort at all.

I don't want to go on and on about this but I believe that when I get disability or social security or a job then I will move out. Before I do I will tell him that its clear he doesn't want to marry me and its also clear he doesn't want to sleep with me and he also doesn't see the Bible as I do. He will never go to church with me and I want a husband who will serve the Lord with me.

Even if he did say he wanted to marry me, which he does, I don't think I can marry him. Its clear we have nothing in common and he is selfish and in a way using me. I have no desire to hurt him however and he will be surprised but i've talked to him about marriage several times and I always get the same excuses, just like I get excuses why he doesn't sleep with me. So he's lying again and keeping everything inside and he won't admit to me the real reason, whether its low sex drive or whatever.

He thinks I will stay with him because I have no income or a place to go but God will provide for me, I am a very capable woman and will continue to try and find a part time job. I sold one of my vintage hats! I did a list of the positive and negative aspects of being with him and there were ten more negative than positive.

I don't want to hurt him and if I leave I will miss him very much because we've been together for a lot of years but I can't keep going on like this with a man who is bothered by polite conversation from me, much less lengthy conversation. We have never got out to dinner since we've moved here, 4 years ago and we don't do anything else. He doesn't tell me when I look nice or say much of anything when I make a nice dinner.

The van is down so I will have to spend christmas here and it is going to be so boring. Long ago I spent christmas with just him and he just sat there watching tv. He doesn't buy me christmas presents and have them wrapped. He just hands me something before christmas and so I will have nothing under the tree from him. We usually go to my moms where my brother and son and grandson come over and have a nice time.

Its things like this that matter to a woman. Why can't I have christmas with a man who buys me a present and makes the holiday nice instead of treating it like every other day? Why can't I have a husband who appreciates me and pays attention to me instead of acting like I'm bothering him. I ask him if he liked dinner and he said it was ok. I made a stew in the crockpot and it was great.

Somehow, since the threads with forever and chosen and chamomile I have felt like this relationship is all over. I was upset at forever at first but then realized that they were right. I am still praying about it and my mother asked God to give me direction on what to do. But I kind of feel like a heavy burden has been lifted when I think I might be free of all this negative energy.

I have treated him very well and he puts no effort into this relationship. If I do wind up leaving it will be his fault. I've given him every opportunity to be truthful with me and I have always felt like he's keeping things from me. Once someone keeps something from you and you find out later, you then are always wondering what else he's keeping from you.

I won't be having such long entries about this anymore. I've said everything I can think to say about it and talking about it isn't helping. I will keep posting however to let everyone know how I'm doing. You have all been a great help to me and hopefully, one day, I really will be married!!!
 
Old 16th November 2011, 02:14 AM   #177
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Re: Husband doesn't want sex

Please keep us posted Baroness! Perhaps your brother will move out of your mom's house and you will be able to move in...

Blessings to you,
Forever
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Old 16th November 2011, 10:25 PM   #178
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Re: Husband doesn't want sex

I did think about me and my brother getting a place together since we are close and are kind of in the same predicument and are alot alike in personality. I just called my ex husband who is dying of cancer. I hardly recognized his voice, he sounded like he was 80 and he's my age. My mom gave me his number. His mother told her that he always loved me and never married anyone else and if I wanted him back he would have done it.

This is the first man I ever slept with on our honeymoon and I found out that he was taking drugs. I met him in church and I was so naive at that time I didn't know anything about it. When my newborn son was in jeapordy from him I moved out right away. It is very sad. What do you say to someone who knows he won't be getting out of a hospice and is just waiting to die? He has 3 months to live at the most.

I just told him i'd been thinking about him and would pray for him. He is not a christian but I felt it was the right thing to do. I never held any grudges against him and we have talked before and been friendly enough, he just had a problem so we were only married for 2 years, I had a baby to think about. That baby is now 35 and he went to Florida to see his father who never reached out to him, but it was a decent thing for him to do.

I am very proud of my son, his job is in the scientific field. He never wanted me to marry gabby cause he said we were too different. I guess I should have listened. However; things are going as well as expected here. We are on friendly terms and he seems to be reaching out to me, trying to draw me into conversation.

I see no reason to be unfriendly or anything. God still could move in this relationship but I am just trusting in God and waiting for direction. In the meantime I will still be nice and considerate, like I have always been. Reading the bible and praying this morning helped. As long as I stay close to God I can handle this and any other thing that comes along. I would prefer that we work out our differences but I just think he isn't interested in marrying me and I don't know why he keeps asking.

At this point I am leaving it all to God because I can't figure it out anyway and so I will just trust in him.
 
Old 17th November 2011, 08:28 AM   #179
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Re: Husband doesn't want sex

Baroness,
I did not realize you two were not married. All I can say if things are like this now you know in your heart marrying him will not change the situation. It makes things worst most of the time. You deserve better and by being in a relationship with him you could be missing out on the man/husband that God has for you. Yes, we as women never want to hurt the man and especially when we have invested so much time, but it seems that you have a Christian background and you know it will never work. First of all we are not to be unequally yolked and like I said if its not working now, It is hard to believe it will work as a marriage. You seem to have a good head on your shoulder and you seem to know the Lord. Remember, what God has for you is for you, however I think that sometimes we can prolong things by giving in to our flesh. Yes, God can still move in your relationship, and He has probably given you the direction to go. God wants whats best for his children and if your bad out weighed your good, is this the best? Don't ignore the signs. Pray for strength to do what you know you should do.
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Old 17th November 2011, 09:24 AM   #180
beenthere
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Re: Husband doesn't want sex

Barones,
I hear what you are saying, but I understand what Chosen was saying. i too thought you were married and the problem with most of us Christians is that we find scriptures that will justify our situation we are in. Yes, you may love this man, but, all those that know the God of the bible knows that God works out His perfect will. God is against shacking up and that is not His plan for us no matter how we try to twist His word. It is a big difference from being married to a man and not being married. A marriage is honored by God and you are not to just give up on a marriage. You work alot harder to keep that union together and there are many direction in the bible to do so. There are not any directions in the bible to keep an unmarried couple together. So, it is what it is, dont be frustrated with Chosen, Sin is sin and it is your life but just make sure you are being true to yourself and God since you have brought God into this. Have you thought about maybe your relationship is so hard because it is not of God and you are living in sin. Whether you had sex before and you said it was not dirty and he asked you to marry you, it was still a sin. So, I agree with chosen, you have to build your foundation on the word so it would be wise to move out and if He is the one for you then moving out will not stop that. But it is important to build your foundation on God word, because marriage will already have it ups and downs and if your foundation is shaky and starting off against the word of God, dont expect nothing different if were to marry him. And this is not judging, the word of God has done that by itself. Oh and in my opinion I would rather go through a bunch of bull for my husband rather than someone that will not make me his wife. Good luck
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