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Old 11th December 2007, 05:49 PM   #16
1aokgal
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Re: More Advice Needed Please! Greatly appreciated!

Faith1......

Do the words, "hit and run" mean anything to you? This man should NOT visit you by any far stretch of the imagination. He has no integrity. Your feelings hang out and you call when he did not show up and pursue. I hate to say this.... but you are being a fool. If he has a little time in between packing his bags he may run over there and give a hit. You are besotted with him. Why, why, why? He has no investment in you at all. He is invested elsewhere. When he comes over there he puts your reputation on the line. He would NOT do that to a Muslim woman to be there with no intent that he will ever be more to you but an interlude.

I cannot fathom you don't realize how you set yourself up to be laughed at when he and friends talk together..poor desperate girl..and he on his way to meet a good, pure Muslim woman to marry. Where do you fit in? Dear, you don't fit in at all. You are a moment in time. If you had anything to do with him he will pass you on the street without a nod.

Call him if you will.....tell him you put his videos in a sack on your porch for pick up. Then be gone when he gets them. OR...Drop them on his porch...NO, do NOT go in. He should NOT be in your place. I take it you live alone? Beware the appearance of evil , they say. When you invite a man (who is soon to marry SOMEONE ELSE) he is wrong to come there.You put yourself out there to be laughed at and gossip will follow you. Your reputation can ruin you. All you have is your good name and when you invite a man into your place it has the look of something goiing on.

I was divorced with a child. I never invited a man into my house as I had neighbors and my reputation to be concerned about. I did not say I never had sex but I sure would not be the subject of conversation and no one knew my business. If you see guys going in and out of a divorced woman's place......there does not have to be something going on. Everybody will be sure there is. That is why you protect your
turf. You open yourself to temptation to be alone with him as he thinks he is there for one reason. Watch videos? Listen, you would be all over that guy.

Don't see him. He is not yours. Don't do the "we will be friends" routine. You are not friends. A friend would not hurt you and open you up to gossip and ridicule as he has done. He would say...sorry, I am taken. He is taken by his custom to marry AND it is about money and children. His family gets the dowry and there will be children raised as Muslim as required in the Koran.
Where do you see yourself in that equation? Every time you pick up a phone to him you violate what is the norm in his culture. Do you think that a man respects a woman who pursues? NO. Even in OUR culture a woman is best to leave the incoming calls to the man.

You have too much time and think too little of yourself. Where does that "friendship" lead? It only leads to make you a joke. If you were a bug on his wall and listen to him talk about you and your pursuit you would be embarrassed. Please, rethink this whole thing and get yourself a hobby as take better care of yourself. If I were your mother I would give you a shake......and then a hug because you sure need it.

Worries about you like MOM
1aokgal

Last edited by 1aokgal; 11th December 2007 at 05:54 PM.
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Old 12th December 2007, 01:54 PM   #17
Faith1
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Re: More Advice Needed Please! Greatly appreciated!

Hello.......just like my mom

Thank you again for your kind words. You are very much like the mom 'I used to have' when she was not suffering from her mental illness.

He did call me yesterday, asking me if I was avoiding him or was angry at him. I said, no not at all, I just said that I recognized he was busy with his trip and he sounded extremely stressed when I spoke to him Sunday. I actually did not think I would hear from him again. He said, do you think I would just leave you without saying goodbye? He said, he wished to get together with me at a local coffee shop, he did not ask to see me at my apartment. I will give him back his videos. It is all legitimate. I intend to keep it that way. I would NEVER cheat with someone who is promised to another woman for the intention of marrying.

Yes, he and I got along well as we shared a common intellectual, and mental connection. Of course we are attracted to each other, but that aside., i would not overstep the line. I recognize the limitations in culture of which he appears to strongly adhere to. I am meeting him only for coffee. As friends only and to wish him well, as I would do with any other friend who was leaving on a trip abroad.

I will heed your advice, and keep it all above board.

Thank you, 'Just like my mom'.............I will keep you posted.

Bless you.
Faith1
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Old 12th December 2007, 03:43 PM   #18
1aokgal
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Re: More Advice Needed Please! Greatly appreciated!

Dear Faith1,

I appreciate you are a good sweet person. I am not sure I earn a thanks for my kind words. I chewed on you at times....like I would chew on my own girl. A meeting at a neutral place, a coffee shop, gives you a chance to say goodbye and return videos. Just remember, you are in emotional quicksand. I understand the draw of a deep look and a desire to grab and hold on. Just know that you both may have chemistry but no important social understanding in common.

You realize you became more interesting when you failed to pursue him with calls. I think he wants to cement your standing as the woman who waits because his end of meeting/marry, etc. takes some months. He will return and wonder how he spends a Saturday evening. That is where I HOPE, dear girl, that you have better prospects than a fill-in for the right one.

Most women who go into relationships with these Muslim men deeply regreat and end up very unhappy. I did some reading on Koran texts and was pretty amazed at some of the relationship dictates as to when there can be sex and such.That is why I suggested you get informed on some of the dynamics. I did not say he has NO feeling toward you but for sure they don't walk on eggs with a divorced woman.

I know some of this from a Muslim friend that these meetings for purpose of marriage are often negotiated with a marriage broker who puts considerable time into the selection process. The man I knew was very happy with the woman he met that way. He had divorced his American wife when he got his Visa papers all intact. Bet she was surprised. It did take in excess of 2 years to get the new wife her Visa into the US but that is post 9-11.

This man was a client and friend who always kept in touch and often called and sent me nice little cards. When I went to Fla. years ago we arranged to meet for lunch as he had a few hours off. He works at super luxery hotel, the Breakers, and introduced me to friends there. He is an adorable guy with a lovely way about him and I sure see the appeal in many of these men. In fact, I need to send him a card and see how it goes. I know it was difficult for him at times and he could laugh and say he just wished the guys who hijacked planes were not always named Moustapha (that is his name.) When he is on a flight list he says they work him over double. (I don't doubt that claim.) We laughed but I am sure it is tough on many decent Muslim citezens everywhere.

I am sure you must be sad that this man cannot be your knight in shining armor....I know there are darn few of these. I hope you do meet one sometime soon. I see they exist but the numbers are depleted, like deer in season, as there are so many seasoned hunters who search for them.

PS..Where are you and what do you do for work there? I know a few Brits who work in S. Africa and met Muslim guys who work for the company there.

Take care of yourself and think carefully.
Just like MOM
1aokgal
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Old 12th December 2007, 08:46 PM   #19
Raymond
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Re: More Advice Needed Please! Greatly appreciated!

Look after her 1okgal. Faithful are the wounds of a friend.

Raymond
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Old 12th December 2007, 11:42 PM   #20
Faith1
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Re: More Advice Needed Please! Greatly appreciated!

Thank you both............you have quite a way with words 1aokgal. Yes, everything you say makes absolute sense......like you said before the moth to a flame. A very intriguing flame.

I will heed your wise words. I will reread and reread all of your postings to drill it into my stubborn skull!

By the way, I am not in the UK, I am in Canada. I work for a corporate company, don't wish to divulge which one for reasons of confidentiality.

Where in the UK are you 1Aokgak, Raymond?

Thanks again for being my guardian angels.

Lord give me strength!
Faith1

Last edited by Faith1; 12th December 2007 at 11:48 PM.
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Old 13th December 2007, 01:05 AM   #21
1aokgal
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Re: More Advice Needed Please! Greatly appreciated!

Dear Faith1.....

Fooled you..I am in USA in virginia Beach, Va. a very fine beach resort area. People come here from NY and NJ as our beaches are so fine and half way to Florida.

Raymond is in UK. Canada! I went there one time on a lark with a couple friends and my husband. We had only a few days so resolved to drive up north as far as we could go and then drive on back. I also lost my son, age 5, in Canada for about 4 scary hours in a campsite. He wondered away in wrong direction from the cabin bathroom. he was there and then he was gone. Boy, I had the mounties into it that quick. There are so many horror stories about this kind of event. I was terrified he had been kidbapped. He just walked and walked for 4 hours. Just when I was most panicked a couple brought him back as they spotted him walking on a road in the opposite direction. Everyone was searching and he was frightened but OK. I could never forget that place in Canada! Everyone was so kind and they all joined in the search.
He was so cute and blonde and we were so lucky all ended well.
That was some memory in Canada. It was a place called Turkey Point.

I hope you will forget this man and meet the right one. You must be very lonely and I suggest you get things going with friends and put substance in your life. He was very prepared to hurt you and sure he knew how much you thought of him. I am glad you were sensible and self protective. I don't want you to give your heart away and get hurt.

You be a good girl now
Just like MOM
Gotta go
1aokgal

Raymond......
I could not love her more if she were my own. Let us say a prayer that our Faith will believe in the future and wait to find a good man.

Last edited by 1aokgal; 13th December 2007 at 05:57 AM.
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Old 13th December 2007, 03:59 PM   #22
Faith1
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Re: More Advice Needed Please! Greatly appreciated!

Thank you both so much 1aokgal and Raymond! Your words are so inspiring. Yes I do have to work on me! I have had quite a year this year, went through a great deal of workstress etc. I do need to work on rebuilding social and support networks.

That was a scary story about your son getting lost! Oh my goodness, you stomach must have been in knots! I am glad that they found him after all that. What a memory to have of Canada. I have never heard of Turkey Point actually.

In any case, you both stay well, you truly are my guardian angels and as i said before, I will continue to reread your inspirational words.

Bless you Both! and Happy Holidays to you.
Faith1
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Old 14th December 2007, 12:51 AM   #23
1aokgal
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Re: More Advice Needed Please! Greatly appreciated!

Faith1...

I suspect you may be depressed for a while with the let down one gets after all the stress of last week. You will be fine. Cultivate you gal pals and work on your own issues. Remember physical activity helps depression as it makes seratonin in the brain.

You made right decisions and you will feel good about that.
Just like MOM
1aokgal

Last edited by 1aokgal; 14th December 2007 at 05:28 AM.
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Old 14th December 2007, 01:30 PM   #24
Faith1
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Re: More Advice Needed Please! Greatly appreciated!

Absolutely 1aokgal. Physical activity does help. I am getting to the gym at least 3 times a week. I had to get my bp down due to the workstress situation that i was dealing with, but it is now under control.

Your advice is very wise, actually I am feeling quite fine. I said goodbye to my friend, and as you said, I am building my social and support networks, as well as working on building my self-confidence and self-esteem. Reading more books on spirituality.

I seem to make poor choices in men. Even though they may seem sincere and good people, but.......there are obstacles and difficulties that are red flags that I seem to ignore. That I am aware of and that in of itself is good that I recognize that. I need to work on this.

Your intuition is excellent. You know the right things to say at exactly the right times........like a guardian angel. Perhaps you are. I always believe people come into your lives at a particular time for different reasons.

Thanks again for your kind support and words of wisdom, stay well my friend.
Faith1
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Old 14th December 2007, 07:30 PM   #25
1aokgal
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Re: More Advice Needed Please! Greatly appreciated!

Dear Faith1....

I am glad we are POST event and you got past some whirlpool emotions to see clearly. What you saw in the last week were defects in a man's character as opposed to what we want to see. Granted that it is not easy to find a man who has a true character and will be that one for the long haul. Even in todays' marriage market, with all best intent, half of marriages end in divorce.

If you read the stats for divorced women it is worse. Each subsequent marriage has less chance to work. That means one needs to analyze and not go with just emotion. So you do the best thing to get to the gym and work on your wellness. Put distance from the dating game. Let's get some stability in friendships of women of good character and independent. Yes, I am talking about women who own businesses or put emphasis on education and goal oriented. Men truly admire such women and these gals find good men because they are not needy with strong ideas about integrity/character.

What I found unnerving about the friendship you described is that is was NOT a friendship. This man clearly relegated you to the sidelines of his life and did not regard you either as an equal or as a woman who had feelings. He knew your heart as you were clear in your desires. He also knew how much you could be hurt. None of that seemed to matter. SO I tell you that he was prepared to use you as a commodity available as he chose and discarded when he moved on. That disturbed me that you took that much risk for so little return.

What does that say? It says that you have not got a lot of self protection and that in exchange for some time you would put your heart out there. NO,No, dear girl, never do that again. What are you worth? Why everything. A man should be the giver, protector and one who gives shelter and does not expose the woman to gossip or hurt. The man might be adorable but he is a charmer like none of us need. You need to demand more for yourself.

You can say he was truthful. That is dubious as he told the truth when cornered. He volunteered nothing.

The difference in customs, religion and habits to the extreme. I think you want to be treated as a woman who can think and whose ideas are valued. That just is not the norm with Moslem men and women. The women are very subservient..even the ones who are educated as doctors and lawyers.

You are doing the very best thing to take better care of yourself. That is my game plan to work on my wellness with more walks and to use care for the good stuff out for Xmas. Have you plans for Xmas? Any relatives available where you are?
The other girl I told you about writes and sent me a photo. She is now 6 months pregnant. She is a sweet girl with big problems.

Keep in touch and I will exchange my email address for you if you like.
Just like MOM worries about you
1aokgal

Last edited by 1aokgal; 15th December 2007 at 03:38 AM.
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Old 16th December 2007, 11:06 AM   #26
Raymond
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Re: More Advice Needed Please! Greatly appreciated!

Men can be like that Faith. They do not need raltionship to have sex, although it is not right. One cannot tell for sure if he is only using you as a side bit if things do not work out and even if they do. 1okgal speaks a lot of sense to you Faith. She has experience of life on her side.

Obviously he left the videos with you to maintain the contact, maybe just in case. Men can deceive women as women can men. The only time to give your body is when there is that pledge that you are the one above all, above my traditions above any other, in short marriage. Why hold out for second best? Our feelings can truly be deceptive. Love is great but you need your head as well or good advice in lieu of it.

Raymond
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Old 16th December 2007, 09:12 PM   #27
1aokgal
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Re: More Advice Needed Please! Greatly appreciated!

Dear Faith1...

You are a good sweet girl and want to believe the best about others. Because you are decent person you attribute the same in others. That belief system can get us in trouble. I am older and made some mistakes and that is where my viewpoint comes into things. I want better for you and hope you will demand respect and love in exchange for your devotion to another.

Take a lot of time and find out about a person before you lead with the heart. Keep yourself above getting into dating scene and stay with friends and group actibites for a time. Find out what makes you happy and perhaps bring out your creative abilities. I have a feeling you will find the right one if you give yourself some time.

Do you have a really close girlfriend? I have one I met a little over a year ago and she is just fabulous and a source of a lot of happy moments. She has helped me make some positive changes and I think we have benefitted each other. Men are fine but female friends are a blessing.

She is a big extrovert so Friday was her big Xmas party and she had gone all out. We all had a lot of fun. Hope you have nice events planned for the xmas season.
Hugs for you
Claudette

Last edited by 1aokgal; 17th December 2007 at 04:10 AM.
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