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Old 10th July 2005, 05:51 PM   #1
Just a guy
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I have a terrible confession to make!!

Hi,
First time poster here.
I have a bad confession to make. I am NOT physically attracted to my wife! I never really was! Please don't ask me why I married her! I guess I was dependant on her emotionally.
But she does not take care of herself! She is very underweight! She only dresses and looks good when we go to church! She does not take care of her skin! She hard ever takes care of her hair!
She is underweight! Very underweight!
I don't know what to do anymore! I see other women and I want them!
This is not a trolling post! I am crying out for help!
I just don't know what to do with these feelings anymore.
Should I get out on my own?
We have a child we love! Sometimes I feel she wants me to leave!
I feel very guilty I am not attracted to her. But it's my honest feeling.
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Old 11th July 2005, 05:07 PM   #2
Joanna
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Re: I have a terrible confession to make!!

Dear "Just a guy"
I feel for you both in this situation, and I think that you have been brave to speak out.
In marriage, one or other partner will not always look attarctive or desirable - think of burns victims etc. But our vows are for better or for worse. You say your wife is very underweight - could it be that she has an eating disorder - maybe this is a cry for help, maybe she is depressed. If so, she needs your love, support and acceptance even more so. I don't mean to sound that I am coming down on her side, but I feel that there is more going on here than looks and lack of physical attraction. Also think about whether you love her - loving, rather than being in love, takes alot of effort, and often rewards seem slow to appear.

Two suggestions come to mind:- have you tried really complimenting her on her looks when she has made an effort? Also, you mention a child - if he/she is very young and demanding, does your wife have the time and energy to look after her appearance? Perhaps organising some childcare so she can have a pampering session would help.

Finally - don't feel guilty, and do something about it!

Hope this helps

J
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Old 11th July 2005, 05:14 PM   #3
Just a guy
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Re: I have a terrible confession to make!!

Hi Joanna,
Thank you for not judging me! I am relieved!
My wife has always been very underweight. She is petite by nature.

It's more than her weight, but I'm afraid to speak out, because I know I might sound like a terrible person.

I will speak about the other issues if you care to hear. But you won't like me very much.

It all comes down to phycial flaws. And I know I have my share of them.

It's a guy thing, I think. Not all guys, I know. It's a me thing.

Things l like not taking care of skin, large pores, crooket teeh, age spots, small breasts... very small. I'm talking totally flat chested! TOTALLY!

These things can be fixed for the most part.

BUT HOW ABOUT JUST COMPENSATING. A Woman can be very sexy and still be skinny and flat chested. It comes down to the right clothing, and right colors.

But she does not do anything like that. Very rarely.

I want to leave.

Last edited by Just a guy; 11th July 2005 at 05:37 PM.
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Old 13th July 2005, 09:25 AM   #4
Joanna
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Re: I have a terrible confession to make!!

OK, I didn't judge you before, but now that's going to be more difficult.....

I take it your wife had these flaws before you married?

I think that being & feeling sexy is not about chest size, clothes or colours. It is about how we feel on the inside - how good about ourselves we feel. I think you are missing the fact that your wife does not feel good about herself, and there must be a big reason for this. Perhaps rejection? Maybe she feels the need to punish herself, and her choice of a husband who is only interested in outward appearance is part of that.

If all you are interested in is how she looks, then maybe indeed she would be better off without you. But wouldn't it be better if you stopped to consider how she must be feeling in all this? Being rejected by your husband can really knock your self-esteem for six - and that's from personal experience.

Joanna
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Old 14th July 2005, 12:34 AM   #5
Just a guy
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Re: I have a terrible confession to make!!

Joanna!
WRONG! WRONG! WRONG!
I hardly ever, ever let my wife know about these things! I'm not a totaly jerk!

I'm sorry you went through this with your husband! But I can't help the way I feel. I guess it's a man thing. And this does not make men bad. It's reality!
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Old 15th July 2005, 01:25 PM   #6
lucy rose
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Re: I have a terrible confession to make!!

Just a guy
I believe looks aren't the most important thing when you choose a partner that you want to spend the rest of your life with, but I also think that if you are not sexual attracted to someone, that is fairly a big deal.
Although this is quite shallow it can seriously affect the way you feel for someone. You cant help the way you feel about someone and just a guy if that means you no longer want to be with you're wife because you are not attacted to her, then I do not judge you because im sure if you could you would much rather be sexualy attracted to her than not. The fact that you have been brave enough to confess the way you feel and ask for help shows me this. Do you thinK that if she 'made more of an effort' your relationship would last? Do you love her? Have you ever loved her? Why do you think she wants YOU to leave?
lucy
p.s although I agree you cant help it if you are not sexually attracted to her I suggest you don't say anything that my knock her confidence. I agree with joanne. Tell her that she does look beautifull when she has made an effort because I know when my husband says anything like that I always try my best to keep up my appearance.
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Old 30th July 2005, 03:11 PM   #7
LIZZY 1234
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Re: I have a terrible confession to make!!

Hi their just guy

Have you ever complimented your wife? and has your child picked up on the fact that you do not have any desire for her mother? if so how does it make her feel?

Have you got someonne else under the quiet? and usuing your feelings of not being attracted to your wife as an excuse?
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Old 18th September 2005, 01:51 PM   #8
Alice
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Re: I have a terrible confession to make!!

Hi Just a Guy,

I admire your honesty. It's not just a man thing. I have had similar thoughts about my husband. I feel I shouldn't be about thinking about his imperfections. I think it is basically instictive to find members of the opposite sex attractive, after all we still have hormones even after we get married! 'but the grass is always greener'. The constant pressure to be the media's idea of perfect is tough, you probably feel it too. I feel I can tell if my husband doesn't find me attractive just by his body language but is it more a case that I send out different vibes when I feel confident and happy about myself. I constantly work to keep slim whereas my sister is skinny. However, we both want what we don't have she wants to put weight on and I want to lose it. My sister has medical reasons why she doesn't put on weight, sometimes skin problems occur when the body is not getting enough nutrients has your wife seen a doctor?
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Old 26th March 2006, 03:58 PM   #9
gdyngreg
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Re: I have a terrible confession to make!!

Wow It seems like I am the only man posting here. Oh well.
Listen you do have an issue. However it is of your own making. You choose her for your wife. You made the choice. Live up to it. There was undoubtably something you saw in her when you decided she was the one you wanted to spend your life with. What was it? Obviously by your comments it was not her appearance.
I am goig to say something that will rpobobly make you mad.
It is up to you to make your wife beautiful to yourself. Because what you feel is not what she is. You have to decide to do this in your heart. Not words expressed to her either. Your actions and deeds will produce a beauty in her you never imagined you could see. Smother her with your love and attitude. Change your heart first, then you will see someone else. I am pretty sure she knows how you feel by the way. Woman see the truth with more than their eye's. They feel it by your comments and body language. So in order for her to be the beautiful woman you desire she has to feel she has a chance to be that. I am sure she feels ugly and inadiquate in your eyes. So she may have quit trying. You have a lot of work to do my friend. I know first hand about this because I did the same thing you have done with my wife. I hold us men to a high degree of responsibility for the woman in our lives. We make our woman the way they are and that includes our daughters. I am not saying woman are something to be molded and made up like dolls. God created them just like he did us men. God does however require more from us men.
1Pet 3:7
Likewise, ye husbands, dwell with them according to knowledge, giving honour unto the wife, as unto the weaker vessel, and as being heirs together of the grace of life; that your prayers be not hindered.
Dwell with her according to knowledge. (you know she doesn't feel good about herself)
as unto the weaker vessel( she is not weaker in the sence of being of less value but rather a vessel that holds something in particular, designed for a specific purpose, like sweet wine)
She is an heir to the throne like you and equal in value like you.
So treat her right and god will answer your prayers. She will be and is the most beautiful person in your world. You probobly don't like large breasts anyway right? Remember gravity? Ok enough. Hope you see her beauty soon.
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Old 27th March 2006, 06:05 PM   #10
Canadagirl
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Re: I have a terrible confession to make!!

First of all, good on you that you are being honest in how you feel, and reaching out for help before anything worse can happen, obvioulsy you are wanting advice or you wouldn't be here.
I do feel for you, as I think it is very important as a female to put effort into your looks, not just for your husband but yourself, besdies we know that physical is what turns husbands on. BUt she does have a low self esteem, and you now have a big part to play in making her feel beautiful, as her husband. You can buy her outfits that match and things that you think she will look good in, or go shopping together and if you see something nice, point it out to her saying how sexy or nice she would look in it. SHe will start to feel better about herself when she knows you are interested in her and still get 'turned on' by her.
OUtside appearances can easily change, and i want to encourage you to fight through what you feel and see it as an opportunity to love and make someone feel special no matter what, that is one of the most beautiful aspects you can offer as an husband, and you will see things change!
ps - I think it was Stormie OMartians book ' the power of a praying wife' that mentions about appearance, but not the subject of the book maybe consider buying this for her
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Old 24th April 2006, 08:24 PM   #11
blessing
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Re: I have a terrible confession to make!!

Hey Just a Guy

I was just wondering what kind of personality she has?


if you have already answered earlier sorry i missed it
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