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Old 31st July 2011, 11:45 AM   #1
Patchouli
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Divorce

Hi

I haven't been on here for a very long time. I won't rehash my previous story, but suffice it to say that things in my marriage have deteriorated to the extent that I have finally walked into a solicitor's office and filed for divorce.

This has caused me great heartache as I really wanted my marriage to work. However, my husband treated me like everyone and everything else in his life came before me; no communication, no sex, no affection, flirting with other women outrageously in my presence, no concern for me, nothing! My existence in his life appears purely to clean, cook, pay the rent and raise our babies.

What finally made me realise that I am waiting in a queue for it never to be my turn for him, was that during a recent stressful experience I was having, he took one look at me and told me "see you later" and went out to a party - he didn't ask if I needed help or appeared to care that I was having a crisis - despite the fact that earlier that day I had text him (he had gone out) to tell him that I was having a huge problem.

I have informed him of the divorce proceedings and he gave no reaction. He now behaves like nothing has happened and is going around as normal. I can see that I mean nothing to him. He hasn't asked me anything at all or shown any interest.

The reason for coming on here is to ask for help on how I accept that I mean nothing to him and move on. I admit that I do still love this man very much, despite all the hurt he has caused me over the years. I just need to know how I absorb my current reality, go through the divorce process as sanely as possible (I have to keep strong for my children). Please help me!
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Old 31st July 2011, 01:38 PM   #2
heartbroken
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Re: Divorce

i really feel for you to be treated this way is nothing short of mental torment, you have obviously reached your limit even though you still love this man.

I think by what you have said you have plenty reason to move on just by the sounds of it you know yourself, personally i am at the same stage but my W filled for basiclly the same but i was the one being treated in the way you say, like you i still i think??i love her???. I think no matter if you love him you need to think as others have said to me on here he/she is no good for you and all the things they have done to you which makes you feel like this, to kid on that there a nice person and be able to treat you like this is an illusion really it is, and thats the bit i feel is the hardest to accept, how can someone who " loves me " treat me this way, the reason is they probably dont.

I would say the best way would to be to think of all the bs they have put you through and why for you this is no good, of course people can change but only if they want to not cause there told, seems to me this would have happened if he wanted to but is not hence why you have reached the stage that you realise this and have filled for divorce. If you really have decided try not to create an illusion he is a great guy this will only cause you conflict and may take him back, if you really are sure go for it live your life be free from unhappiness and dont look back. Take care things will get better they really will.

You are not alone.
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Old 31st July 2011, 04:27 PM   #3
heartbroken
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Re: Divorce

Are you sure this is what you want, no one should put up with this but i can empithise with you i too am treated like this, have you asked him why he treats you like this you may have done something he has resented you for, no excuse mind you but may be the cause.

Are you sure you have exhausted all avenues before wanting this divorce, i would guess you have tried talking with him.

I know its very hard but am sure you wil be strong for your kids. Take care.
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Old 31st July 2011, 05:30 PM   #4
chosen
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Re: Divorce

A divorce is never easy, but many go through it, and come out the other side, and you will as well. You have the children to look after and care for, and that will help you to keep going, but it will take time to get through it and heal. You cant avoid the reality, or the different stanges that you will go through. Its just as much a loss as if he had died, and you will need to go through a grieving process.
See if you can find a divorce recovery workshop near you. They are 6 week courses, and very helpful, and will enable you to meet others who are going through a similar thing. The website is drw.org.uk.
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Old 31st July 2011, 05:38 PM   #5
heartbroken
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Re: Divorce

i would imagine if you have filled your at that point and exhausted all avenues, i was assuming you may have some other way to sort things out as you say you still love him.

As said your kids will keep you focused be strong for them, there are lots of people on here also who will help you at this time. And many who have faced this or who are.
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Old 31st July 2011, 09:38 PM   #6
Patchouli
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Re: Divorce

Hi Heartbroken and Chosen

Thank you so much for your time in responding to my plea for help.

I have indeed exhausted every possible avenue to get myself registered on this man's radar, but it doesn't work. He has no time for me and he has no interest in me. However, if we are driving down the road and he sees a woman who catches his eye then he will give her all the attention, irrespective of the fact that I am sitting next to him and being torn to pieces.

I have tried screaming, shouting, not talking, not reacting, going away for a few weeks without him - in the hope that my absence will be noticed and I'll get a reaction, but nothing.

I suffer with severe headaches and I've been in bed on days off work in pain and he has walked past me and never so much as offered me an aspirin! However, as soon as his mother or one of his sisters are unwell, he is their hero!

There is a huge difference between the way he treats me and the way he treats others and it hurts like crazy.

I am blessed with good friends who have rallied round to support me at this difficult time and I was even surprised that my parents offered me their support - they've always dangled the guilt trip of "what about your children" to prevent me from leaving him in the past. I will take care of my babies and I will do my best by them. I know that much. It's the agonising heartache that is breaking me apart right now.

I guess what I am forcing myself to face is the fact that I don't want to hold out hope that he will suddenly wake up and realise he is losing me and become my hero once and for all. I want to erase any glimmer of hope and face my future without him. I know he is no good for me, so why the heck do I love him so much!!!! Why can't my heart just listen to my head and behave itself???

I truly believed in my marriage vows and I still wish that it didn't have to end. Why does it hurt so much?
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Old 31st July 2011, 11:50 PM   #7
Forever
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Re: Divorce

Dear P,
It hurts because you have a heart...sort of like death. When someone we love dies, we who are left behind hurt for our loss because of all they meant to us...even if it was just the future hopes and dreams. This pain is the evidence of the love we have for them. Your heart was full of love for a man who did not return it...so he wont hurt at all.

How to accept it and to move forward? One little step at a time...one step forward, two steps back. Then a few months from now, you will realize you only hurt about ten times a day instead of every moment. Then a year from now, you will wonder how you ever managed to live in the relationship as it was.
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Old 1st August 2011, 08:54 AM   #8
Patchouli
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Re: Divorce

Forever, thank you.

I find that there are moments when I am strong and I give myself a stern talking to (literally, I do talk to myself when I hope no-one is around) by reminding myself of how and why I came to this point. I can be in control and feel strong for a few moments, and then I revert back to going to pieces. It's hell!

I've been listening to Toni Braxton's "Let It Flow" non-stop on my commute to work this morning. The words are poignant.

I wish I could know what he is thinking/feeling through all of this. Instead, he appears so normal, like nothing's changed and he is taking everything in his stride.

Last night he took the kids and I out to a favourite family restaurant as I had said I wasn't in the mood to cook. It was lovely and I actually enjoyed it - the distance between me and him was vast. We more or less concentrated on the kids and avoided eye contact with each other.

Tomorrow is my eldest son's birthday and I am aware it's going to be a tough day to get through.

I am so grateful for the love and support of friends, family and even strangers. I know I look a state right now; bleary, red eyes, hair pulled back in a ponytail because I can't be asked to do anything else with it and just about keeping myself clean and presentable.

I really hope that I will come back to life again soon. I feel like I am in so detached from the rest of the world; other people are going through the motions, lots of laughter and chatter around me, but I feel alienated from it all. Just this dark pain that holds on to me.
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Old 1st August 2011, 05:42 PM   #9
Raymond
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Re: Divorce

I find it incredible that there is no reaction at all to divorce proceedings Patchouli. He stands faced to lose everything and no reaction? Does he believe you or does he think it is a threat to get him to behave?

Is there any chance he is seeing someone else? Is that where he is getting his strength from? The situation seems so cut and dry. I think he needs a hard knock to pull him up. Not that you can contrive it as you have ended up in this position because you have.

Some of us bumble along as happy as Larry not realising certain situations until something happens and our wives are in tears over something. The clear signs are now there for him and I think you are bound to now get a reaction once this has sunk in if you haven't already. We need to be reminded that our wives are number one with regard to our love and sometimes that will take our wills as well as our feelings. If our feelings are wandering as his seem to be then we need to do something about it on purpose and re-orientate everything to put each other first. That's more important than everything really if we are married.
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Old 2nd August 2011, 09:00 AM   #10
Patchouli
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Re: Divorce

Hi Raymond

I have been wondering about that myself and someone even asked me if the reason he is being so cool about all of this is because he already has someone else. Right now, I really don't know what to think.

When I got home last night he had written on our family calendar "Bad news letter" for yesterday, as that is when he received my solicitor's letter. I felt so angry that he had written this where our children could see. They don't need this. I had already told him that I didn't want the children to suffer anymore than they already would be. However, I didn't say anything and calmly went about my evening.

At no point did he engage with me or want to discuss what was going on.

I am grateful that he actually cooked dinner. I was very tired and was grateful that that was one less thing I had to deal with that evening. Instead I was able to have a nice bath then spend quality time with my babies - we watched a funny film and I made popcorn and we all just piled onto my bed and had the best giggling fits. It was great - he was not part of this as he went to work, but then again, when the kids and I plan to do silly things - like go to a fast food drive-thru late at night to get milkshakes (just because it is a fun and silly thing to do) he never wants to get involved.

I know now that I have definitely made the right decision. Better to be alone, than with the wrong person.

I've been googling "living with divorce" in a bid to amass strength and information during this difficult time, but one thing that strikes me is that the person who files for divorce is automatically classed as the bad guy. I have felt shocked that there is such a negative label - you asked for the divorce, then you are no good! It's so wrong! It isn't always like that. What about the men/women who are being beaten into a pulp by their husbands/wives and need to flee to get away from such bad environments? Are they really the bad ones when they want to end their nightmare?

I am so grateful that this site is different. I have not once felt judged because I am one who asked for the divorce. I have felt supported and understood. Such a comfort at this difficult time.

Thank you so much, all of you.
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Old 2nd August 2011, 12:04 PM   #11
chosen
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Re: Divorce

Dont worry who asked for the divorce. I did that with my husband but I had no choice and I have never regretted it. If you have to you have to, and how are most people going to know anyway?
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Old 2nd August 2011, 12:53 PM   #12
Raymond
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Re: Divorce

Where there is adultery one has the right to divorce in my view although some do not take this up and look for repentance which does happen sometimes.

What you are doing is a massive thing. To just write on the calender and not discuss beggars belief. I really wonder if there is someone else in his life to make him this way.
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Old 2nd August 2011, 02:16 PM   #13
Patchouli
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Re: Divorce

Hi Chosen and Raymond

My mum has been texting and asking me all kinds of questions about whether he is viewing this as a shake-up or what his views are (she is overseas), but I am unable to answer her because I don't know what his thoughts are. I simply don't know what he is thinking right now. It would help to have a hint of something!

At the moment I feel a bit more stable than I have since this started. I've actually been able to have a proper lunch today, rather than living on air because I can't face anything. I've even been looking at the possibility of taking my kids away for a few days once this is all over. I think being in a different environment for a while will help us all. I know it's still early days, but I find some comfort in looking at when life won't hurt so much anymore.

The problem with situations like many of us on this site, is that we are not being physically battered, so our bruises and wounds are not out there for others to see. Our battering is happening inside, where no-one knows, no-one sees what a mess we are and how we are forced to walk around with a smile on our faces and act like we are ok, when inside we are close to death.
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Old 2nd August 2011, 05:58 PM   #14
Raymond
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Re: Divorce

It seems to be incredible rejection you are going through Patchouli. Sounds to me like he has some deep character problems of his own. I never heard of anyone being so detached on this level in a marriage. I don't think he is alright I think he has screened everything off and won't accept reality.

God sees of course. He sees your lonliness, your being misunderstood, your isolation within your own marriage and those inner wounds you mentioned. He didn't design it but can use it for good as you look to Him.

Have that break you need and get away for a few days. You are going to need a lot of healing and having that change is part of it.
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Old 3rd August 2011, 12:35 PM   #15
Patchouli
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Re: Divorce

Thanks Raymond

I am so grateful for all the support everyone has given me on this site. It helps immensely.

I know this may be sound really bad, but I don't mean it to be, but really hepls to know that I am not the only one on planet earth who is going through this tough time. It's of enormous help to know that someone is, metaphorically speaking, holding my hand during this time.

Today I am still cautiously stable. I received a beautiful email from my cousin that just made me feel so much better. She went through a painful divorce herself last year.

He is still keeping quiet and we are now sleeping back to back. This suits me just fine. I now feel that as long as he keeps his distance and this situation doesn't suddenly become nasty that I will get through this. Of course, it is still early days for me.

The detachment is exactly what he is like, Raymond. He can see me and just ignore me. I can be ill and he won't so much as offer me an aspirin, but he can go and spend a whole day with anyone else who needs him. My married life has been like standing in a queue waiting for it to be my turn and it is never my turn. Other people/circumstances get put before me and when I snap because I can't take it, then am the problem!

I am clearly a slow learner, but when I learn my lesson I learn it for life! I have now learned that nothing will ever change, until I change! I am changing - for the better I hope.

I watched a film a few days ago and the theme tune to that film resonated so strongly with me that I immediately got the song from iTunes and I now listen to it non-stop. I have copied and pasted the song here below. The words are profound:

(Keep your head up - Chaka Khan)

When your heart is free
It's easy to make a decision
When your head is clear
You know you have good judgment
But when your life is turning topsy turvey
And you have no reasons for what's disturbing
Remember these words my father said to me

(Chorus)
He said: Keep your head up don't say you love him
Walk away from all that is hurting
Find your power you know you're strong
Make that step and it will help you along

When your mind's at peace
Sleep comes so very peacefully
When you start to dream
They're wonderful and so very sweet
But when your life is turning topsy turvey
And you have no answers for what's disturbing
Remember these words a preacher said to me

(Chorus)
He said: Keep your head up don't say you love him
Walk away from all that is hurting
Find your power you know you're strong
(Take that step)
Make that step and it will help you along

Why give up this time you can't win
Why give up this battle is within
Why stay alone when he's gonna do
Why choose him when it's time to choose you

Keep your head up don't say you love him
Walk away from all that is hurting
Find your power you know you're strong
Make that step it will help you along

You can hear the song on YouTube - it's really beautiful
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