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Old 5th March 2015, 02:29 PM   #61
notDoneYet
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Re: My wife of 16 years wants us to split

Ok so we seem to have hijacked N6's thread over a debate on MLC so let me clarify my position on this so we can move on.
Is MLC a medical condition? Yes, it was originally observed by Carl Jung and the phrase was coined in 1965 and is a recognized psychological state. In it's milder form (which is what the majority of people experience) it's simply known as the mid life transition and no bad behavior comes from it.

Is a MLC an excuse for the person to behave badly? No, of course not. The person experiencing the MLC doesn't believe they are having a MLC.

Is it useful to blame the bad behavior on a medical condition for the LBS? I don't know, but I am trying to understand what's happening in my life right now. These things are obviously personal but since BD day I can say that yes, there is a script that these people follow, even down the the words they use hence the ILYBINILWY speech. It's also interesting the number of people that end their marriages down to things like depression.

Are we slaves to our biology? Of course. When you are hungry do you eat? When you are thirsty do you sleep? So when you are unhappy......
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Old 5th March 2015, 03:39 PM   #62
chosen
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Re: My wife of 16 years wants us to split

I have been desperately unhappy many times in my life in the past and deeply depressed for many years also, in my 30's and early 40s', but I never left my spouse or kids. Sorry I dont go along with it being a 'medical condition' any more than I go along with a 'sex addiction' as being an excuse to cheat on your spouse and sleep around, nor call eating too much an 'illness'. Everyone has a time of struggle with the thought of getting older and loosing their youth, but they dont excuse it by giving it a the name of a medical condition. Its a normal phase of life that we all go through. Its what we do with it that matters.
The 'I love you but am not in love with you', almost always indicates cheating with another person, not an illness. As I said before that speech can and does happen at any age from 20-70 and above.

Calling it a 'medical condition' makes light of those are are genuinely ill, like those with genuine serious mental illness and things like cancer and diabetes and arthritis etc.
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Old 5th March 2015, 05:02 PM   #63
notDoneYet
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Re: My wife of 16 years wants us to split

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I have been desperately unhappy many times in my life in the past and deeply depressed for many years also, in my 30's and early 40s', but I never left my spouse or kids. Sorry I dont go along with it being a 'medical condition' any more than I go along with a 'sex addiction' as being an excuse to cheat on your spouse and sleep around, nor call eating too much an 'illness'. Everyone has a time of struggle with the thought of getting older and loosing their youth, but they dont excuse it by giving it a the name of a medical condition. Its a normal phase of life that we all go through. Its what we do with it that matters.
The 'I love you but am not in love with you', almost always indicates cheating with another person, not an illness. As I said before that speech can and does happen at any age from 20-70 and above.

Calling it a 'medical condition' makes light of those are are genuinely ill, like those with genuine serious mental illness and things like cancer and diabetes and arthritis etc.
Then we must agree to disagree. Having family members on both sides with 'genuine serious mental illness' I am acutely aware of the different ways in which these very serious conditions manifest themselves. Yes, MLC did used to be a sniggering 'joke' when people went off the rails a bit, especially men but these days it's taken far more seriously. The statistical evidence shows this alone. It's a bit like using the word 'depressed'. In normal every day language it only means being a bit down, but in medical terms it means something completely different.

Anyway, back to N6's story.
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Old 5th March 2015, 06:46 PM   #64
chosen
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Re: My wife of 16 years wants us to split

Yes we will agree to disagree, its not an illness or a condition, and many use it an an excuse to act badly. I see so much bad and wrong behaviour these days put down to some excuse or addiction or 'condition', instead of people admitting to their faults and taking full responsibility for their actions. Its the same with bi polar or PTSD, suddenly everyone and their grandmother apparently had these conditions, when people have been through far worse things and dealt with them with no fuss.
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Old 5th March 2015, 08:15 PM   #65
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Re: My wife of 16 years wants us to split

I think you have to separate moral failures from sicknesses. Once you say someone did this wrong thing because of a sickness then you are on a slippery slope. It is a peculiarly British disease that tries to find medical answers for moral failures. I was reading about Jihadi John in the Mail where people are blaming the British system because of his murders and others things. It wasn't his fault because of this this and this. Where do you stop? Sorry I feel I had to say that.
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Old 5th March 2015, 08:32 PM   #66
ralfgarnett
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Re: My wife of 16 years wants us to split

I respect and value dear Chosen and her kindness and advice very much indeed and I fully understand where she is coming from, however I am with NTD on this as there are far too many coincidences in the statistics, I have thought this for a while having first heard an mp3 audio on this topic by an American pscologist Lee Balcom when I heard his audio on MLC it was almost as if he had been sitting in the room listening to my wifes explanations for leaving, I think I mentioned this in my very own thread back in late summer last year.
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Old 5th March 2015, 09:37 PM   #67
notDoneYet
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Re: My wife of 16 years wants us to split

Perhaps we should start a thread on the MLC and leave N6 to his thread?
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Old 6th March 2015, 01:02 PM   #68
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Re: My wife of 16 years wants us to split

How is N6 getting on ? not heard from him for a while now
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Old 6th March 2015, 02:50 PM   #69
chosen
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Re: My wife of 16 years wants us to split

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I think you have to separate moral failures from sicknesses. Once you say someone did this wrong thing because of a sickness then you are on a slippery slope. It is a peculiarly British disease that tries to find medical answers for moral failures. I was reading about Jihadi John in the Mail where people are blaming the British system because of his murders and others things. It wasn't his fault because of this this and this. Where do you stop? Sorry I feel I had to say that.

Thats exactly how I feel Raymond, I see people cheating on their spouses(like Jordans lastest husband) and claiming it was due to a 'sex addiction' for which he was now getting 'treatment', as with Tiger woods and his frequent cheating, apparenrtly also a 'sex addiction' and none of them take responsibility for what they have done. Then I hear addictions being called 'illnesses', so apparently we cant help eating too much or drinking too much, when in fact those things are all choices on the end.
I have heard you guys here claiming that your wives are 'ill' so 'cant really help it' apparently. As Raymond said, even the most appalling acts of barbarity are blamed on other people or things, and not on the one who did them, and we do like to blame shift don't we, and blame everyone and everything else for what we or those we love do.


Guys I do appreciate that for you it may be far easier for you as men to blame much of what you are going through on the wives ''illness' rather than accept that she has chosen to leave you and acted very badly and selfishly. No one wants to think they have been rejected, or that the women they loved and thought they knew has left them, it a VERY VERY painful thing to have to accept, but making light of it by saying she is 'ill' isnt helpful or true. My husband went through the same thing.

ALL of us loose parents, all of us go through difficult things, all of us have hormonal changes and bodily changes and emotional changes as we get older. My husband is nearly 58, and I am nearly 59, so we are well aware of that, and we have both had marriages ending badly for different reasons, but the one who is acting badly must take full responsibility for destroying their families and damaging their children, and you need to also accept that they CHOOSE to do what they did, and they will have to account for that one day.

Last edited by chosen; 6th March 2015 at 03:04 PM.
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Old 6th March 2015, 03:31 PM   #70
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Re: My wife of 16 years wants us to split

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Thats exactly how I feel Raymond, I see people cheating on their spouses(like Jordans lastest husband) and claiming it was due to a 'sex addiction' for which he was now getting 'treatment', as with Tiger woods and his frequent cheating, apparenrtly also a 'sex addiction' and none of them take responsibility for what they have done. Then I hear addictions being called 'illnesses', so apparently we cant help eating too much or drinking too much, when in fact those things are all choices on the end.
I have heard you guys here claiming that your wives are 'ill' so 'cant really help it' apparently. As Raymond said, even the most appalling acts of barbarity are blamed on other people or things, and not on the one who did them, and we do like to blame shift don't we, and blame everyone and everything else for what we or those we love do.



Guys I do appreciate that for you it may be far easier for you as men to blame much of what you are going through on the wives ''illness' rather than accept that she has chosen to leave you and acted very badly and selfishly. No one wants to think they have been rejected, or that the women they loved and thought they knew has left them, it a VERY VERY painful thing to have to accept, but making light of it by saying she is 'ill' isnt helpful or true. My husband went through the same thing.

ALL of us loose parents, all of us go through difficult things, all of us have hormonal changes and bodily changes and emotional changes as we get older. My husband is nearly 58, and I am nearly 59, so we are well aware of that, and we have both had marriages ending badly for different reasons, but the one who is acting badly must take full responsibility for destroying their families and damaging their children, and you need to also accept that they CHOOSE to do what they did, and they will have to account for that one day.
Hi Chosen I agree with a lot of what you say and yes they have behaved badly all of them including mine and bad people need to be taken to account for their deeds, but there are just too many coincidences with peoples stories its almost uncanny.
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Old 6th March 2015, 06:35 PM   #71
Raymond
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Re: My wife of 16 years wants us to split

Nobody is judging people but we all need to take responsibility for our actions even in mitigating circumstances. The reverse is also true. One cannot actually forgive anyone when there is an untruth regarding the wrong action. To say something like so & so couldn't help raping me because he didn't have a father for instance is like saying that something which is wrong is not wrong because of his impediment. This kind of thinking erodes justice in our nation and we are seeing this. Mercy is a good quality but not at the expense of saying something which was wrong was not wrong for him or her because of this, this and that. The British have become the worst at this for some reason.
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Old 6th March 2015, 08:12 PM   #72
chosen
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Re: My wife of 16 years wants us to split

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Hi Chosen I agree with a lot of what you say and yes they have behaved badly all of them including mine and bad people need to be taken to account for their deeds, but there are just too many coincidences with peoples stories its almost uncanny.
There will be coincidences for women of a similar age though. They will be heading for the menopause, they will have aging parents of parents who die, they will have hormonal changes, changing bodies etc. One of the wives here is only in her 30's!
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Old 6th March 2015, 08:43 PM   #73
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Re: My wife of 16 years wants us to split

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How is N6 getting on ? not heard from him for a while now
Hi Ralf, thank you for your concern. I'm okay, I had a couple of bad days with the OH which were difficult and got me down but I have had a couple of busy work days since which although have kept me away from here but has also helped keep my mind off things a bit. I had an early night last night with a mild sleeping pill which gave me a fairly good nights sleep for the first time in a week so that was good but i don't want to take those things much if I can hep it. Its difficult at home at the moment though as OH feels as though I am pressuring her and she seems to find any excuse to not be at home when i am there. I am not trying to pressurise her to but it is so damn hard because I just want to talk but she and seems hell bent on making me feel uncomfortable by constantly being on her phone messaging all the time. I feel as though the kids must be noticing something is wrong and I feel like we are getting close to telling them which will be pretty gutting.
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Old 6th March 2015, 08:58 PM   #74
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Re: My wife of 16 years wants us to split

I think you all have made for a very good debate on this topic and I personally agree with chosen as I don't feel it is an illness as such as those people did had a choice on the way they behaved and chose to take the action that they did and therefore they should be responsible for their actions. But I know in my particular case that my OH has said to me that she could not face the future living as we are (were). She feels that she is missing out on things that I have not, or did not give her and now that the children are growing bigger she fears for her future together as a couple. Now I could see this as a slight form of a MLC that she realises that she is not as young as before and perhaps she has missed out on things when we were bringing a young family up but now they are getting more independent she wants to do the things that she enjoys...its just really upsetting that she doesn't feel that we could have these things in common and enjoyed our quieter life together.
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Old 6th March 2015, 10:41 PM   #75
chosen
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Re: My wife of 16 years wants us to split

So why cant she enjoy these things while still being with you?
AS for the 'pressuring' you, what does she expect, she is your wife and unless she moves out you will continue to live in the same house. I feel for you, its horrible.

Last edited by chosen; 7th March 2015 at 12:34 PM.
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