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Old 24th November 2018, 06:47 PM   #1
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Wife is struggling with the same (sexual) problem as me. Help?

The Background - My wife and I have been married for about 6 years. We have 2 children. We have what I would call an extremely healthy marriage and we both were saved before we were married. We are members of a wonderful, biblical church where we know everyone. I work in computers. She's a stay-at home-mom. There's your background. :-)

The Sex - We have had what I would call a normal sex life. We barely could figure it out at first (lol), got better with time, and now it just plain rocks and we try just about everything (within reason). We went from being intimate 1-3 times a day (before kids) to about 3-6 times a week since having our second, which seems normal. I have a higher drive and I also have several fetishes, which she doesn't share (she has none lol) but she enjoys entertaining mine.

The Struggle - I have battled my whole life with being attracted to 2 women kissing each other. It was what I saw on TV when I was first turned on at 12 years old, so the struggle makes sense. When I was lost, it turned into a lesbian-themed pornography addiction. The porn went away in a moment 10 years ago when I was saved, along with the desire to see 2 women kiss. But when I got married and sex became a "thing" again, the attraction to women kissing each other slowly re-emerged. Let me clarify though, the thought of lesbianism or sexual intercourse between women is not attractive at all. I certainly don't struggle with that being an OK concept nor I do I struggle with the desire to be entertained by that. Its a specific struggle, 2 straight women kissing/hugging/cuddling, but it doesn't go further. I can feel that the Spirit of God inside of me keeps me from more illicit themes. Anyway... I started to struggle with looking up pictures of women kissing online. After a little bit, I confessed to my wife that I was struggling with this. She was forgiving and full of grace for the problem, as she always is... BUT.....

The Oddity - She also explained to me that SHE struggled with the same thought for years. (no internet-just thought) We had never talked about it before. But she explained that she deals with the desire to lightly experiment with another straight woman, that the thought of kissing/maybe hugging or cuddling topless is attractive and exciting to her.

The Conclusion - I was shocked. That caused a BIG problem in my life and in hers too. The fact that the other one was thinking about made it seem less intimidating. It used to be a fantasy. Now that it turns out our spouse likes it, it became a struggle in reality. I used to think about 2 faceless women kissing each other, but now the thought is, "Is it possible that my wife would actually DO it?" And I've been dealing with picturing her kissing other women-and wanting to see it happen for real. I know that her struggle increased in a similar way, and we've both admitted to having to keep the thought out of our intimacy, but we are both struggling big time. The problem is, Its easy to justify 2 straight women kissing or being half clothed together. Kissing is never mentioned in scripture in a negative light. If anything, its even encouraged. Plus girls are not like men... Most grow up being very touchy-feely with their friends on a normal basis. So its easy to say "What's the sin in a kiss?" Well, technically, there is none. But if its for sexual pleasure, there definitely is and the reality for us is that it is definitely is a turn-on.

Help - Does anyone have some practical advice for this situation? Please don't say, "Pray, read your bible, and trust the Lord." We do that. I'm looking for practical advice from couples who have maybe had a similar struggle to help us steer our sex life away from this. Here's my fear--- When the children are grown and we have our freedom back to take trips and go on cruises etc etc, this desire will have PLENTY of opportunities to become reality. Right now, we are taking care of 2 toddlers and don't do much else lol, so its not like we are ever in a situation where this is possible, but later it will be and we just want to honor God with our marriage and our sex life. Help appreciated.
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Old 7th December 2018, 05:44 AM   #2
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Re: Wife is struggling with the same (sexual) problem as me. Help?

This is something that you both need to make sure goes no further. Kissing in the bible isn't encouraged at all unless its a chaste kiss between brothers and sisters in Christ unless you are married. Personally I wouldn't kiss a man no matter how chaste, nor a woman either. I think you are wrong that straight women enjoy kissing and cuddling each other, no woman I know does that. Yes a hug on greeting maybe, but that's as far as it goes. I do think you are trying hard to justify it, but it cant be justified. Its no better because you are thinking of straight women. Your wife clearly has some physical attraction to other women or she wouldn't be tempted to do this.
So take every thought captive and stop trying to justify it Biblically, which you are.

Its wrong, dangerous and you need to stop dwelling on it. As you admit, this is sexual, and sex is between you and you wife and no one else.

Once you realise that this is a complete no no, you should have no fear of what you MAY do in the future. You would need to seek out people who do this, they don't come to you. Keep the marriage bed pure, and be faithful to each other. Bringing another woman into the mix is a disaster waiting to happen.
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Old 13th December 2018, 10:28 PM   #3
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Re: Wife is struggling with the same (sexual) problem as me. Help?

I guess you didn't like my answer.
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