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Old 29th January 2008, 09:13 PM   #1
lonelylass
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Question Is there hope after an affair?

Hello, I'm new here so will try and keep this as short as possible.
My husband left me in October after 20yrs together, 18 married.
Since then he has had no contact other than regards finances and necessary isues or when I forced a discussion. His reasons for leaving were he has a secret firend who is a woman (I knew who he was on about, no secret, not an issue for me anyway), he doesnt like the fact I don't dress up, I don't wear make up etc etc he needs space........
It moved into a female colleques as a 'lodger' from the minute he left.
He finally confessed 3wks ago that he has started something with her, but insisted it was not until after he left me.
Anyway, last week he emailed me to ask if he could 'come and see the dogs' (we have no children). This in itself rang alarm bells as he completely shut us off, no contact at xmas, not even a text, email card, he has been completely selfish and uncaring.
He turned up on (Friday just gone) with treats for the dogs and admitted he has moved out of hers and in with his sister. He stayed 2hrs.
I am now completely baffled, everyone I have spoken to says he is trying to get me to ask him to come back, but he has not been in contact.
I am loathed to ask him for fear of further rejection and out of self preservation, surely it's down to him?
Am I mad for even considering having him back? I'd appreciate your views/opinions, especially with how we can work through this if that is what his intention is. Thankyou for listening.
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Old 7th February 2008, 03:53 PM   #2
markus
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Re: Is there hope after an affair?

What you want that loser back for ??
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Old 7th February 2008, 07:41 PM   #3
Raymond
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Re: Is there hope after an affair?

There would have to be a big apology and attempts to make amends. I think it unwise to let him come back because his affair didn't work. That would be a total disrespect of you. If you really want him back I would say let him wait. Don't let on. Play cool and hard to get even against what you want to do naturally. In short allow a good period of time after all his has committed adultery which are grounds for divorce. This musn't happen again if he wants to come back otherwise you are just being taken for a ride.

Raymond
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Old 8th February 2008, 06:01 PM   #4
teacherman
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Re: Is there hope after an affair?

Hi Lonely lass
Cant help thinking how much your story mirrors mine but in reverse. It was my wife that left me and than had the affair.

I held out hopes that she would come home but after a few months now find that I am starting to be better off without her.

The big problem I have would be one of trust. If your Husband was to come back home would you be able to trust him. You might be able to find it in your heart to forgive him for what he has done but it would always be in the back of you mind.

As i have said in my thread I would welcome my wife back with open arms because I still love her but I would still want a full explanation as to why she treated me in this way.

The trust issue is one that would have to be built up over a long period of time. Only advice I can give is the same as Raymond, dont rush into things just because his other relationship has broken down. You need to take time to take stock of yourself and decide what is best for YOU. My honest opinion at the moment because of my circumstances are
"Once a cheater always a cheater"

Be careful and If you are going to give him another chance then the pair of you will have to work very hard to put this behind you.

Take care and look after Yourself

Tim (Teacherman)
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Old 9th February 2008, 10:32 PM   #5
lonelylass
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Re: Is there hope after an affair?

Thank you all for your replies, seems my instincts were wrong and he returned to her on the Tuesday, maybe he was sounding me out and because he didn't get the immediate 'Oh come home' response he ran back to her, who knows.
All I know is this whole incident has knocked me for six, like you, Teacherman I still love this swine, 20yrs is a lot to get over, he was my soulmate, which is why, markus I could have forgiven this one mistake. I can't help how I feel and think about him every hour of every day.
I had to go to the doctors on Monday as I have a long term medical condition (I can't work), he said I have suffered a breakdown and put me on anti-depressants. My husband says I "should be moving on, he is." He is so hurtful almost as if I am the one that has done something wrong.
I now have to decide what to do with regards the home, I am here with him paying the mortgage and he wants out, financially (he is living with her).
I don't know whether to start divorce proceedings or just try and settle it amicably, either way I could be out of my home as I cannot get another mortgage due to my disability. All my solicitor says is he will fight for the best part of the equity, not maintenance.
It's the lonliness I cannot bear, don't ask me why but I miss him.
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Old 10th February 2008, 01:01 PM   #6
aqua
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Re: Is there hope after an affair?

Lonelylass

Sounds like your husband wants the best of both world - a cakeman.
It feels like being hit in the chest doesn't it?

I agree with everything Raymond says and he says it so well.

I'm sorry to hear you might lose your home. My H played silly beggers with me and for a while I felt very insecure as to whether I would lose my home. Then I got myself a very savvy solicitor !!!! We are going for the jugular, but doing it in a 'nice' way.

Why isn't your solicitor going for mainatainance, I don't understand?. Surely you need that!

You know where we are for a chat...

Take care...aqua
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Old 10th February 2008, 01:18 PM   #7
lonelylass
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Re: Is there hope after an affair?

Hi Aqua,

My solicitor has so far only mentioned going for most of the equity, not maintenance. Though this is all well and good, I will loose it all in rent as I cannot get a mortgage as I am on benefits. I may ask about maintenance, this hasn't been mentioned though I have read it in the literature.
We have no children, though I am registered disabled and have three dogs to home as well, they have been my lifeline as has another forum I am on.

Thanks for your reply, I intend to stay in touch here as it seems quite a community.
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Old 10th February 2008, 01:41 PM   #8
aqua
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Re: Is there hope after an affair?

Lonelylass

I'd check with your solicitor. You should be entitled to spousal mainatainace.

We are starting from the highest possible point by asking for as much as we can and using that as a point to which to bargain from.
I work and I collect the benefits I'm entitled to. At then moment I am getting interim maintainance for me and the children from my H, so I am not on the breadline. In fact I was quite surprised H's side went for it and H has been a good boy and pays up every month. But I won't be celebrating until it's all signed sealed and delieved. I have a long way to go before that happens.
You need to go for the jugular, don't be nice about it. It's your life you've got to pay for and why not get that money from your wayward H!

Don't forget LL I'm much further down the emotional line than you. I've become hardhearted about it all now. I'm out to make sure me and my boys can live as comfortably and securely as possible and to hell with the H!!!

Be strong ...aqua
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Old 10th February 2008, 02:57 PM   #9
lonelylass
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Re: Is there hope after an affair?

Thanks again aqua, I will ask but it's apparantly rare to be able to stay in the home and receive maintenance, but I did think this whole senario was unfair, he earns £29K a year, my benefits are £6K and I am already £100 per month short on the bills.
He has moved in with her in her and her soon to be ex-husbands home, so in effect doesn't need anything from me and could afford to help me out.
Personally, I think she is after his money, he cut me off the first week he left. Until December he was paying half the bills, but now only paying the mortgage.
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Old 10th February 2008, 03:30 PM   #10
aqua
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Re: Is there hope after an affair?

Lonelylass

Ummm interesting.

I'm still in the family home and receive spousal and child maintainance. Mind you, I use some of the maintainance to pay the mortgage.
I use my own money to pay the bills.

Your husband should be helping you out, He should keep you in the manner you had been accustomed to before the split.

Good luck.
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Old 10th February 2008, 04:06 PM   #11
cheryl*
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Re: Is there hope after an affair?

Hi Just a word of warning my X left me to pay the mortgage myself for over a year after i kicked him out " best decision ever by the way " then had the cheek to ask for the house to be valued , it had gone up 30,00 by then too . The law stinks sometimes .so watch out . It was in both our names then .Its just in mine now and it feels great . The X lives with a rough girlfriend in her council flat NICE . I had to pay the B 37,000 but i got the best deal take care x
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Old 10th February 2008, 04:34 PM   #12
aqua
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Re: Is there hope after an affair?

Hi Cheryl

Thanks for the warning to us all!
I'm glad you came out of it well.

My house is in both our names. The next step for me is to see if I can get H's name removed from the mortgage. If I can't I have a back up plan to get shot of him!
Not everyone is as lucky as I am to have that 'back up'.

Take care...aqua
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Old 10th February 2008, 08:42 PM   #13
lonelylass
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Re: Is there hope after an affair?

Thanks Cheryl and Aqua,

The house is in joint names, therefore he can't just sell it from under me, though could start proceedings for a court to order it.

His latest offer is £30K to me and £20K to him from the equity if it's sold.

Wish I had a back up plan, short of winning the lottery I'm scuppered as to what to do for the best.
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Old 11th February 2008, 02:03 PM   #14
Raymond
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Re: Is there hope after an affair?

Aqua seems to know what she is talking about Lonelylass having had the experience of the practiccal side. Legally joint ownership means what it says in that you own it jointly, so you are doing reasonably to get two thirds although your solicitor may think you can get more. Make sure you don't own it as tenents in common as this is different from joint ownership and it means you own the proportion it says in the deeds or land certificate. However, £30K will not last long and you need some permanent monthly income. This is why it is wise to go through the courts. They will look favourably on you because of your low income and inability to work. If it comes to that you must take advantage, (it is only fair in my view) in getting all you can. He is alright moneywise anyway it seems.

I know this is all moving too fast for you talking like this when you are still missing him so much, but it is better to be prepared. He doesn't seem to have a thought for you as far as I can see and is showing you real disrespect by going back to her straightaway because you didn't give an open door. If you had given an open door after all that he has done, I feel he would have trampled over you like a doormat. You don't want that and we don't want that. The only terms for coming back is a serious apology and a willingness to make it up to you. That is the only way it has a chance to work, otherwise forget it, seriously.

You are at the early stages of being wounded as marriage should be for keeps. I don't underestimate how you are feeling. You have been torn within because of what has happened and are probably finding it difficult to handle the business side, but it must be done also as it will affect your financial freedom in the future.

Raymond

Last edited by Raymond; 11th February 2008 at 02:08 PM.
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Old 11th February 2008, 02:12 PM   #15
Raymond
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Re: Is there hope after an affair?

Aqua seems to know what she is talking about Lonelylass having had the experience of the practiccal side. Legally joint ownership means what it says in that you own it jointly, so you are doing better to get two thirds. Make sure you don't own it as tenents in common as this is different from joint ownership and it means you own the proportion it says in the deeds or land certificate. However, £30K will not last long you need some permanent monthly income. this is why it is wise to go through the courts. They will look favourably on you because of your low income and inability to work. If it comes to that you must take advantage, (it is only fair in my view) of getting all you can. He is alright moneywise anyway it seems.

I know this is all moving too fast for you talking like this when you are still missing him so much, but it is better to be prepared. He doesn't seem to have a thought for you as far as I can see and is showing you real disrespect by going back to her straightaway because you didn't give an open door. If you had given an open door after all that he has done, I feel he would have trampled over you like a doormat. You don't want that and we don't want that. The only terms for coming back is a serious apology and a willingness to make it up to you. That is the only way it has a chance to work, otherwise forget it, seriously.

You are at the early stages of being wounded as marriage should be for keeps. I don't underestimate how you are feeling. You have been torn within because of what has happened and are probably finding it difficult to handle the business side, but it must be done also as it will affect your financial freedom in the future.

Raymond
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