Site Areas
Wedding Centre
Health Club
Marriage Clinic
Chapel
University
Citizen's Centre
Coffee Shop
Admin Centre

Contents
Articles
Books
CDs / Videos
Tips
Services

Resources
Forums
Membership
Contact Us
Site map
Link to Us

Search

Take the Couple Check-up!

Marriage Week UK

Marriage first aid

Online support for your marriage

Free Tell A Friend from Bravenet


Home > Forums
2-in-2-1 Discussion Forums  

Go Back   2-in-2-1 Discussion Forums > Chapel > Christian Marriage

Reply
 
Thread Tools Display Modes
Old 19th February 2008, 07:23 AM   #1
inneedofadvice
Registered User
 
Join Date: Feb 2008
Posts: 1
Wife won't move away from her family . . .

Everyone,

A little bit of background is in order first (though there is quite a bit to say, I'll try to keep it brief).

My wife and I have been married for over ten years. We are both Christians and attend church regularly. We have two small children, ages three and five. We currently live about one hour away from my wife's parents, her sister and her niece. My parents are in another state on the other side of the country.

After much discussion, we recently decided I should resign from my job and look for a job someplace else (things were not going too well at my current job). I was offered a very good job not too far from my parents (~ 45 minutes away). We talked it over and decided to accept the offer, though she was not 100% comfortable with it. We made all of the plans and on moving day she broke down and said she couldn't go through with it because it was too far away from her family (since I accepted the offer she had been waffling back and forth). Of course I had already given notice to my current employer and my last day was the next day.

I was able to quickly scramble and get another, significantly less desirable offer that is less than a three-hour drive away. She originally said she was ok with that, but now she says I need to find a job in the same zip code as her parents (this from someone who's in their early forties). A few days ago she took the kids and went to her parents. We've talked several times on the phone and I went up to visit them today.

I need to figure something out as we will obviously need a paycheck at some point in the near future. Of course most of our belongings are packed up and the house is for sale.

We are scheduled to see a counselor in the next couple days.

Does anyone have any Godly advice they can give? I have thought of the obvious such as praying (I've done a lot of that lately), seeking Godly counsel (that's why I'm here and that's why we're meeting with the counselor).

Specifically, I've got three options (as far as I can see):

1.Take the job near my parents and hope my wife comes to her senses.
2. Take the job closer to her parents and hope my wife comes to her senses.
3. Look for a job in the same zip code as her parents, hope that I get a reasonable offer and spend some of our retirement savings until I find one.

I guess my big question here is . . . is it unreasonable / un-Biblical to expect my wife to place a higher priority on our marriage than on her relationship with her family? Is she being unreasonable?

Thanks in advance for any help / advice you can offer.
inneedofadvice is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 19th February 2008, 01:49 PM   #2
Raymond
Moderator
 
Join Date: Dec 2006
Posts: 6,409
Re: Wife won't move away from her family . . .

I think she is being unreasonable. She should take your lead and go with it, but you should love her and be considerate to her. However it must be your choice. Yes you can listen to all the pros and cons but ultimately she should follow your lead above her parents. Leave and cleave means you leave your parents and cleave to your husband. She is no longer under them but you have to work out what is reasonable. She should be able to go with that. I feel strongly that she should go with what you decide. You have to work out how to meet the needs and you need some leeway to make necessary decisions. If it is really that difficult the parents can move to where you decide if they want to. You shouldn't be trapped around the parents. Your marriage is a seperate entity over which you have responsibility being considerate about it of course. You must make the decision in a loving way and she should follow.

Raymond
Raymond is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 9th June 2008, 03:46 PM   #3
MissonWorker
Registered User
 
Join Date: Jun 2008
Posts: 14
Re: Wife won't move away from her family . . .

I feel like your wife is not being reasonable. I have it the other way where My husband does not want to leave his mother or family or friends. I have moved from a city into a very small village. I am slowly finding ways to cope. However he is the man so I have to deal with it.

However you are the Man! If it is better for you to move then the wife should see that. Are the kids kicking about too? Maybe if they are and that may be the reason your wife is so against it. Uprooting is hard! But if it is needed then your wife should see that and back you up! Ask the kids what they think? Maybe if you can win them over it might help you win her over? Pray for wisdom! I mean if you had to change jobs then she has to see that and work with it. I hope things work out for you! God Bless
MissonWorker is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 11th September 2008, 12:41 PM   #4
animemoon
Registered User
 
Join Date: Sep 2008
Posts: 4
Re: Wife won't move away from her family . . .

I'm still pretty new to this forum, and just thought i might give my thoughts, just as I can understand where your wife is coming from.......

I've probably had an unusually strong attatchment to my family ever since I was young, and I was the child in the family, whom no one thought would "Ever leave home" ....my husband and i met online, and knew eachother for 4 yrs, before we got married.... he lived on the east coast, i lived on the west coast..... to make a long story short we hit it off well and wanted to get married.... i had moved to the east coast to live with him, he had just gotten a promotion to a good position at his job at the time... and i wasnt working, so my moving there seemed the "Sensible" thing at the time....

however after 6 months i broke down and couldnt be away from my family any longer, and we had to move back to stay with my parents, he left everything behind, his job, family and friends, and the trip cost alot more money than we had at the time, just starting out....... i know i was being unreasonable and i felt guilty about it, but i was just so attatched to my family i couldnt handle it, i really just literally felt "Sick" at being away from them.......

its taken alot of time, but eventually i started slowly been able to "Detatch" myself for lack of better words..... its been 6 years since we've been living together, first we had to live at my parents house, then just down the street, then 10 mins. away....... and just recently we moved into a place 30 mins away (though this time i wouldnt have minded living farther away, in a few hrs away if we needed to) .... its been taking alot of time for me, but I think after 6 years, I'm okay now......... my husband has been a bit of a help in that matter........ while i dont think i could live across the country from my family, i'm okay living at a distance as long as i can visit once in awhile.......

anyways, perhaps your wife is being unreasonable just as i have been..... but for what its worth i can say what helped me lately and perhaps it might help your wife......

if your wife is like me, there are probably alot of concerns/worries she's having thats stopping her from going through with the move..... maybe you can ask her about it, and see if you can find solutions or ways to reassure her....... is she worried about the kids not being able to see their grandparents? or perhaps she needs to be able to make sure she can still visit them often? being as attatched to my parents as i was, i felt i needed to visit them once in awhile, and was afraid that moving farther away might change things..... i wouldnt be able to see them often, or go shopping with my mother, or sit down to a game or two with my father etc..
another concern i had at the time, was i am the type who constantly worries about my parents, im constantly calling to see if they are okay, if they needed help with anything, that if anything went wrong, i could be there to help...... my parents eventually moved into a senior living apartments, and i know they are well taken care of there.... but thats not the case with everyone....so maybe if thats her way it might help to talk about things, see if there was someone nearby her parents , that they could go to if something happened, make sure they all have cell phones to call her on etc.....

Keep in mind though, again if she is like how i was, she probably is feeling a bit guilty about this as well, i cant say how many times i felt awful about making my husband leave his job, because of my needing to be nearby my parents, even when he got over it i still felt guilty over it..... so trying to criticize/badger her or force her into this probably wont help , she probably already realizes the trouble this is all causing..... and either she was forced to go with the move, or you caused her to feel guilty to the point she gave in and felt pressured into going, it might probably cause some other problems in the long run, i think right now trying to figure out what the problem is, and solving it might be the way to go abouts it....... again i'm no expert.... i'm just giving my thoughts as i see them, coming from someone who has felt the same way as well......
animemoon is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 2nd July 2009, 08:16 AM   #5
Hannah26
Guest
 
Posts: n/a
Re: Wife won't move away from her family . . .

I think she is being unreasonable.
  Reply With Quote
Old 19th August 2009, 11:18 AM   #6
Steph08
Guest
 
Posts: n/a
Re: Wife won't move away from her family . . .

Have you talked to her parents and seek for their advice regarding the matter? I guess they are the most influential person to make your wife stay at the place where you had a good job offer. One of the reasons, I think, why your wife is a bit hesitant is security and attachment. Security in the sense that being near her family makes her feel secure and attachment in the sense that the closeness with her family is boosting her whole self. Ask her parents advice on this because they know their daughter more than anyone.
  Reply With Quote
Old 22nd August 2009, 03:29 AM   #7
weddedandwinning
Guest
 
Posts: n/a
Re: Wife won't move away from her family . . .

I am not sure I understand. Why are you seeing a councilor? Is it just because she doesn't want to move?

Now a move is a big deal, specially since its across the country...how many times have you moved in your marriage or changed jobs?

My gut tells me she is being unreasonable but I need more details.

Either way, it would be wise to slow down for a second. How long can you stall on the job by your parents?
  Reply With Quote
Old 22nd December 2009, 12:29 AM   #8
rppearso
Guest
 
Posts: n/a
Re: Wife won't move away from her family . . .

Wow what a nightmare it would be to be married to someone like that. If someone is willing to take food out of there kids own mouths becuase she does not want to move or burden her parents by moving in with them thats a real raw deal. This is a tough economy and good jobs are hard to come by and her flaking out would be a serious slap in the face, what are you going to do move in with her parents how lame is that. She throws a fit and takes the kids and moves into her parents, you better start preparing to get custody of the kids because this is where the child support rollercoaster starts, it would actually probably be cheaper for you to move into her parents house with her and let them support you while you look for a job and dont do anything you dont want to do becuase its her fault your there. I would start documenting EVERYTHING so that if things go south you can get the kids otherwise you will be paying through the nose and it wont matter how good of a job you have you will be living in a studio appt barely able to afford your bills and thinking about how to get out of the country.

Last edited by rppearso; 22nd December 2009 at 12:38 AM.
  Reply With Quote
Reply

Thread Tools
Display Modes

Posting Rules
You may not post new threads
You may not post replies
You may not post attachments
You may not edit your posts

BB code is On
Smilies are On
[IMG] code is On
HTML code is Off

Forum Jump


All times are GMT +1. The time now is 06:49 PM.


Powered by vBulletin®
Copyright ©2000 - 2024, vBulletin Solutions, Inc.


Top

Copyright ©1999-2024 2-in-2-1 Limited. All rights reserved. Disclaimer