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Old 29th July 2005, 12:09 PM   #1
jane32
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don't no what to do about my husband

Well here goes I have never been on one of these boards but I really don't no what to do so I’m after some advice,

I have been married for just over 9 years and have one child we have had a lot of problems but have always sorted things (money) out and I thought we were happy. I found out a few weeks ago that my husband has been going on chat on the internet and that he has also been e-mailing other women he has also been on dating sites and putting in profiles asking for no strings sex. I was gutted when I found all this out and what made it all worse all the things he says he is looking for in a woman is the complete opposite to what I am eg: he likes blondes I’m brown, small breasts I’m not small etc

Anyway I had it out with him and he was really sorry and his excuse is no one knows him on line and it’s only a bit of fun. Can I also point out his mum died suddenly 8 month ago and he is under the doctors for depression.

Anyway I have gone on online today and found that he went back on chat last night and also sent an e-mail to one woman to ring him

My stomach id in knots I really don't no what to do, I'm no prude I don't think I am to much bothered about the chat as everyone does like to flirt sometimes, its the woman he's e-mailing and the profiles that have upset me the most

What shall I do has anyone got any advice
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Old 29th July 2005, 01:43 PM   #2
RON
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Re: don't no what to do about my husband

As a man, I'll try to help. How old is your husband? It seems that he thinks there is some great green grass out there and relationships with other women will inflate his ego. He wants to be sure he still has it (whatever it is). Talk to your husband, express your true love and devotion to him and explain that you would never do the same to him. If he loves you, he'll listen. If he doesn't listen then leave him and let him realize what he's lost. It almost happened to me several years ago and I am a lesson learned man. Good Luck. Ron
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Old 29th July 2005, 02:08 PM   #3
jools
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Re: don't no what to do about my husband

Hi, Jane
Would you say that your husband's behaviour has changed since the death of his mother and his subsequent depression? Could it be that these fantasy relationships are just a form of escapism to take him away from the reality that is part of his depression. If this behaviour has only developed within the last 8 months then there is a chance that he will no longer need this fantasy world once his depression has lifted. What treatment is he receiving for his depression... and does it seem to be working?

Of course, if this moves beyond harmless escapism, then it could spell trouble for your marriage (depression or not). Especially as he is now trying to get one of them to ring him. As a matter of interest, how to you get access to his E-mail account or chat room, whatever? I can't believe that it's not password protected, especially considering what he's up to! As Ron suggests, you need to talk to him, really talk...try not to argue. Good luck.
Jools. XX
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Old 29th July 2005, 02:12 PM   #4
jane32
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Re: don't no what to do about my husband

Hi thanks for the reply

He is 34 and we have been together since he was 15 apart from splitting up for a year when he was 20 he was the boy next door. I wonder if that is part of the problem.
I also work 3 nights a week so he comes in and i walk out if you get what I mean so i think he gets a bit bored but he doesn't complain
Also since his mum has died I have to look after his sisters two children while she works in the day but a lot of the times she is not back before I go to work so he also has to look after them which could be up to a hour.

Last edited by jane32; 29th July 2005 at 03:11 PM.
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Old 29th July 2005, 02:18 PM   #5
jane32
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Re: don't no what to do about my husband

Hi Jools
He wasn't like this before his mum died thats what making me hold back from going mad at him but at the same time i'm sick of feeling fed up all the time and I know it might sound bad but I would like a bit of attenction now

As for the password I could tell he was upto something the way he kept deleting the history all the time and it wasn't hard to work his password out and also i checked the internet files and saw all the sites he goes on. (I don't do that all the time I just needed to know)
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Old 29th July 2005, 02:25 PM   #6
London
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Re: don't no what to do about my husband

sounds like he is tryig to play "catch-up" - Perhaps it had to with his mother. In the fact that while she was alive, he could not really see other girls, that in a way she "prevented" him from dating other women, that his mom terrified him of the thought, so when he found you at 15, he stayed with you. Now that his mom is gone, he too can "move on" and find other women. Teh fact that he is trying to "accelerate" this by using the Internet rather than traditional ways indicates that he is trying to desperately get his "notches on the bedpost" (ie numbers) up....
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Old 29th July 2005, 02:53 PM   #7
jane32
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Re: don't no what to do about my husband

His mum or dad where not strict with him and he did have girlfriends before me but it could be the fact that we have been together since we young that could be the problem but what does that mean is our marriage coming to an end
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Old 29th July 2005, 03:17 PM   #8
jools
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Re: don't no what to do about my husband

Hello, Jane (again)...I've got an afternoon on the PC!
That's a question that we can't answer. Only your husband has that answer. The only problem is, that if he is quite badly depressed (and this behaviour is due to that) then talking will not be very productive. Depressed people are unable to analyse their behaviour or see any solutions. Maybe you should check out some of the web sites on depression to get some insight into it. Interestingly, taking sexual risks is one of the behaviours listed for depressed men, including loss of libido...so work that one out!

It's hard to know what's to blame here isn't it? Alternatively, London's gloomy interpretation might be closer to the truth; but I still think that you can't ignore the part that his depression is playing in all of this.
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Old 29th July 2005, 03:30 PM   #9
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Re: don't no what to do about my husband

gloomy Jools? I hope its not seen as "gloomy" but as a possible interpretation. Personally, I can't see why his actions are symptematic of "depression". Sounds more like someone who has huge weight lifted off their shoulders (not to be mean about his mom). For example, I knew one woman now living in London who married a man becuase her mom and dad wanted to see her married to a nice and respectable man. She was not "in-love" with him but does enjoy his company. When her father passed on, shortly thereafter, the couple had huge issues. She'd been having an affair for about 7 of the 10 years she's been married - but would not leave the man because her "mom would be devasted". When her mom did pass on, the woman built up the courage to leave her husband. She's now 43 and eager to get on with her life for all the "missed" years. Guilt was the main reason she stayed with him for so long. Good old Irish Catholic guilt.
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Old 29th July 2005, 03:40 PM   #10
jools
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Re: don't no what to do about my husband

Dear London
OK then..."gloomy, possible interpretation"..how about that? I agree, yours is a possible interpretation; but if it is true then you also have to agree that it's pretty flaming "gloomy" news for the marriage! That's what I was trying to say.
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Old 29th July 2005, 03:55 PM   #11
jane32
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Re: don't no what to do about my husband

Thanks for all your replys i'm still unsure what to do as he is not very easy to talk to at the moment, but I do feel a lot better that you haven't just told me to dump him and get on with my life as he's not worth it kind of thing. I really do want to sort this out but I feel I can't say to much to upset him because of what he has been through by the way I loved his Mum as much as everyone else.
I think i might just sell the computer on E-bay . xx
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Old 29th July 2005, 04:34 PM   #12
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Re: don't no what to do about my husband

jane - i think one of the things that may help is getting an understanding of what he feels about relationships in general, about the two of you together and his feelings of not having "played the field" as perhaps others may have. Why the sudden urge to seek new encounters? That is the fundamental question that the two of you should aim to unearth.
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