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Old 10th March 2016, 09:15 PM   #1
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Join Date: Mar 2016
Posts: 4
Mother in law situation

Hello everyone! I hope its a great day for you all! I am here to seek advice regarding a mother in law situation. My husband wants to hire my mother in law as our domestic help and future nanny so that I can work full time and earn money to my full potential. Now, in the past my hubby has hired my mother in law as our personal grocery and household item shopper and paid her for her services & the cost of items purchased. This resulted in my mother in law feeling free to interfere in our day to day running of household, piling heaps of unsolicited advice on me and expecting me to comply on urgent basis, judging the ways we run our household or the items we use and how much we use, etc. All this with no regard to what other pressures I had in my life and their priority. Since I was the one at the receiving end of all this "advice" and judgement and not my husband in the least. When I tried to bring it up with my hubby, he was not receptive to hearing anything against his mother; it led to arguments between us and generally became a major source of stress in my life and in our relationship. Gradually, I managed to take the reigns of my household back into my own hands. But now he wants to hire her as domestic help.

In addition, I have seen her NOT WASH her hands multiple times, after handling her dog and other stuff and before touching food with those hands. This dog has never been dewormed, has never seen a vet in its life and is currently diseased. It is not a matter of dog. It is a matter of her sanitary habits (or lack of).

In nutshell, my concerns are:
1) Hiring mother in law as domestic help, would give her a free ticket to interfere in our household affairs, as she has done before.

2) I don't want a domestic help who wouldn't listen to what help I need out of her: It is a regular thing, that when I request something of her she ignores it, or pretends not to hear, or finds a way to evade it. But when my hubby repeats the same thing, BAM it gets done immediately.

3) I don't feel comfortable leaving my home and food prepartion to somebody with unsanitary habits

4) Even if I supervise her, it will be hard to correct her lack of sanitary habits cuz she is my mother in law, and culturally it is not my place to critique her.

5) It would be impossible to fire her without straining my relations with my husband or her.

So, please advise what can I do? How to make my hubby understand my concerns?

Goodlife1 is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 11th March 2016, 12:18 PM   #2
Join Date: Dec 2006
Posts: 6,409
Re: Mother in law situation

As a married woman you and your husband are now a seperate unit and not subject to his mother as it is your marriage and your home together.

Basically your husband is at fault for allowing her into your area of authority. That belongs to you not even your husband I would say. A woman has her own area in the house. It would be like you hiring your Dad to help with his area in the house but subtely doing it his way undermining your husband's wishes and authority.

I would tell him it won't work. Not because you don't respect or like his mother but because from previous experience she would not be subject to your ways of doing things and will transplant her own ways. Much better to pay someone else to do it I think. Using his mother makes it very complicated as she is his mother and seems only faithful to him and not you his wife. I think she has a devisive style.

I would try and get this across to your husband. You really need to keep your boundaries and not be ridden over in this. Enabling this to happen is obviously not wise so you need to say no in such a way that he does not take it as an offence.
Raymond is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 11th March 2016, 01:11 PM   #3
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Posts: 5,794
Re: Mother in law situation

Most mums who work here in the UK seem to manage just using a child minder or nursery for their children (depending on their ages)and a few will also have a cleaner for, say, 2 hours a week. Not sure why you would need someone to shop or cook or do any more than that. Maybe you can hire a cleaner?
If the children are still very young, I would stay at home with them as long as you can if you can afford it. You never get that time back. Some of my friends used to get evening or weekend work so that their husband could look after the children.
This would prevent the need to hire you MIL.

Last edited by chosen; 12th March 2016 at 03:48 AM.
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Old 11th March 2016, 01:45 PM   #4
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Re: Mother in law situation

This could really a big problem of yours. You have to talk your husband in personal and raised your concerns. If he really insists it then it could be a challenge for you now.
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Old 11th March 2016, 06:37 PM   #5
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Posts: 1,253
Re: Mother in law situation

Could you hire someone else to help at home?
Lindentree1 is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 16th March 2016, 09:15 PM   #6
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Posts: 4
Re: Mother in law situation

Thanks everybody for your answers! Phew! At least I am not weird in thinking that she (mother in law) tends to cross boundaries or that I do need to reinforce boundaries.
Goodlife1 is offline   Reply With Quote

marital problem, mother in law

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