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Old 2nd September 2015, 10:33 PM   #1
claire1008
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Unhappy marriage breakdown

Im not sure if this is something that anyone can help me with, but I have tried seeking advice from family members and they seem more concerned with what has occurred rather than offering advice.

I have been with my OH for 10 years and married for 2 years, we also have a 18 month old daughter. Since the birth of my daughter I have felt unsatisfied with the state of my marriage, however I understood that the pressure of a newborn could have created this situation at first. Despite settling into a routine as a mother myself and with my OH as parents our relationship has not improved.

I have made many attempts to discuss how I feel, the issues I believe we need to work on and how that could be achieved. On many of these attempts my OH became annoyed and refused to discuss the issue with me, the other attempts my OH seemed to listen and then nothing changed in the following weeks. I have so much built up disappointment, anger and resentment that I feel myself distancing myself from him.

I have tried to approach the issue of what I feel is our failing relationship, but all my OH says back is that if I want to leave, then I should leave. He says that he doesn't really want me to leave, but that if I want to he wont stop me. I don't want our relationship to be over, yet I cant see a way that we can work out the problems when he refuses to discuss them with me.

I am looking for any advice on how I could get my OH to talk with me or whether I should consider a temporary separation.
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Old 3rd September 2015, 04:39 AM   #2
chosen
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Re: marriage breakdown

Hmmm, no I dont think you should consider a separation unless there is something like serious abuse or adultery, but its weird that he seems so blase about whether you stay or go. Have you suggested counseling? Even if he wont go, you can go alone and talk it through with someone who is trained in this area. It seems tragic that you may end this marriage so recently after you both made life long promises and committed to each other for better and for worse and the child needs both parents with her.
Tell me, if things are so bad, why did you marry him so recently after such a long time together?

Maybe try writing him a letter to say exactly what is on your heart and how desperate you are.

TRy reading the five love languages by Gary Chapman, its a helpful book.
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Old 3rd September 2015, 09:28 AM   #3
Raymond
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Re: marriage breakdown

I was wondering what it is you are disappointed and angry about. Presumably it is something he does which upsets you?
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Old 3rd September 2015, 10:11 AM   #4
claire1008
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Re: marriage breakdown

Quote:
Originally Posted by Raymond View Post
I was wondering what it is you are disappointed and angry about. Presumably it is something he does which upsets you?
The disappointment and anger has grown in me from the failed attempts to talk about my issues. I say my issues because when I have tried to talk with my OH he says that he doesn't believe there is a problem and continues to tell me that I am being stupid. I feel disappointed in myself because I cant find a way to make him understand that even if he doesn't think there is a problem, I feel there is and would like him to attempt to make things better. I get angry being in a relationship which I feel unhappy in and feeling helpless because my OH wont talk or make attempts to solve the issues.

I do feel some disappointment with are sexual life because it is practically non-existence, however I know that the way I feel has not helped with that. I do feel that when we have sex he is distance from me, its seems to be more about having sex because I want to and not because he wants to.

Thank you for taking an interest and posting a reply
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Old 3rd September 2015, 10:17 AM   #5
chosen
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Re: marriage breakdown

Quote:
Originally Posted by claire1008 View Post
The disappointment and anger has grown in me from the failed attempts to talk about my issues. I say my issues because when I have tried to talk with my OH he says that he doesn't believe there is a problem and continues to tell me that I am being stupid. I feel disappointed in myself because I cant find a way to make him understand that even if he doesn't think there is a problem, I feel there is and would like him to attempt to make things better. I get angry being in a relationship which I feel unhappy in and feeling helpless because my OH wont talk or make attempts to solve the issues.

I do feel some disappointment with are sexual life because it is practically non-existence, however I know that the way I feel has not helped with that. I do feel that when we have sex he is distance from me, its seems to be more about having sex because I want to and not because he wants to.

Thank you for taking an interest and posting a reply
Was he always like that about sex? Does he look at porn(that you know of?)
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Old 4th September 2015, 12:28 PM   #6
Raymond
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Re: marriage breakdown

Interesting question as one of the features of porn is that the sexual drive goes onto that instead of the wife. A kind of mental adultery if you like.

Of course we don't know if that is the case but it is worth looking into in case it was.

Of course it is a problem if that is what you feel. A woman's instinct in this is usually quite accurate. Sex is very important in marriage. We shouldn't allow any other sexual outlet in marriage as that would be unfaithfulness. At the same time we should stir up what we do have to narrow any temptation we may be subject to outside of the marriage.
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Old 4th September 2015, 10:06 PM   #7
claire1008
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Re: marriage breakdown

My OH has always been the one with the higher sex drive out of the two of us, which is why this change concerns me. I am unsure if he looks at porn, I have bought the subject up in conversation years ago and he said that he has watched it in the past but finds it boring.

Perhaps I should approach the subject again?
I just feel unsure about certain subjects because he gets very annoyed with me when he thinks im being silly.

I feel that communication is a big issue for us.
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Old 6th September 2015, 05:28 PM   #8
Raymond
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Re: marriage breakdown

I wouldn't question him about porn. If he is doing it that would drive it underground. I would just give him a lot of rope but keep your eyes and ears open and your antenna up.

There is also the possibility that he may be getting it on the side. Someone from work or anywhere.

We have no proof so it is good not to confront until you know, but if you say he has a high sex drive it seems a good possibility that something else may be going on perhaps. I hope it is not but from what you have said this area does need to be looked at.
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Old 6th September 2015, 06:19 PM   #9
Lindentree1
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Re: marriage breakdown

When did his drive go down? Was it after the baby was born? Or another time? Pinpointing the when might be helpful in figuring out the why.

ETA: Not that there's any excuse. He should be talking to you.

Last edited by Lindentree1; 6th September 2015 at 08:09 PM.
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Old 29th September 2015, 05:35 AM   #10
Mfrisco
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Re: marriage breakdown

Claire,
Regarding his sex drive.... has he had any big changes in either his work, health, or any hobbies/activities he normal does? I'm 45 and recently my wife left me after 20 years together because she decided the path we were on was not the goal she had anymore. For many years we were on the same page about what we wanted out of life...but in the last few years her feelings on this changed and she wanted less "security" in her life and more "traveling and adventure"...or that is what she tells me.

Anyway....long story short...over the 20 years together both of us had sex drive changes. There were times when she was more of the higher sex drive and then there were times when mine was higher. Looking back...it had a lot to do with where each of us were in our career or even health. Many things can change a person's sex drive but we immediately think it has to do with us...something we are not doing right or they do not love us as much anymore. While that can be true at times (growing apart)...I'm just saying look for other reasons.... a job promotion or demotion. Stress at the workplace or something changed in his life (family member illness or passing)..... could be anything even if it seems small.

I find it best that if you want to have a serious and honest conversation with your spouse... you have to do that away from the normal environment. My wife and I have had many deep conversations that went better when we were not at home or someplace familiar. We either went for a drive, went to a quiet restaurant where you can get that table in the back corner with some privacy....or sometimes even a walk through a neighborhood park if he is up for such things. But when you leave the normal places both of you are used to being in.... it changes the atmosphere and the attitude a lot of times. A "new place" seems to make the conversation more serious and focused. Just a suggestion.
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Old 29th September 2015, 05:37 AM   #11
Mfrisco
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Re: marriage breakdown

...and on the questions about porn.... I would leave that alone. You either will not get a real answer or he will just ignore it or make light of the question. That is a dead end to the real problem anyway.
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Old 29th September 2015, 10:32 AM   #12
Raymond
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Re: marriage breakdown

I think it is more important than that if it is porn. That would be a marriage breaker and would need to be dealt with.
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