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Old 19th August 2015, 04:46 PM   #61
Mfrisco
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Re: And yet another "I love you but not in love with you" story

I appreciate all of your responses....everything I read helps me to cope so please keep the replies coming. Someone who has been through multiple marriages and divorces may be used to this and knows how to deal with it (if there are any people on this forum having been married multiple times and divorced multiple times)...but for me this is new ground. I am not sure how I am supposed to feel, how I am supposed to act......I only know 'how' I feel and I am trying to do what I think is right.... although I understand it probably has adverse effects.

You all are correct when you say that trying to reach through to her and make sense of all this just pushes her farther away. But it is because I am thinking she is the 'normal' person I knew before.

Some of the things she has done in the last 2 months are not something the person I knew would do. She even frowned on other people we know who have done similar things and said "What the heck were they thinking?". Now... she is doing the very thing that she claimed for 20 years was either stupid or cruel or just downright wrong.

I'm a pretty simple person. I'm easy going and I do not get wrapped around the axle about things. I may be older and wiser, but I am the same person I was in my 20's. I have the same beliefs, the same ideas about right and wrong, and I treat others respectfully until I am treated badly.

So what makes someone, like my wife, just do a complete 180 degree spin?
How does a person you have known for 20 years....someone who you know their likes, dislikes, actions, what they believe is good and bad....suddenly decide to do the very things they would have felt disgusted by before?

If I had to put this in perspective...I would claim an alien abduction. Seriously. I would swear that aliens came and took my real wife in the middle of the night and replaced her with someone that looks like her...but the personality they got all wrong.

Let's say that I could never imagine coming home one day, saying "I've been unhappy for the last couple of years, I feel we are on separate paths, and I feel we no longer share the same interests" and then bail. I could not imagine her doing that either...but then it happened.

Part of the reason I am having a hard time letting go, besides the fact that I still love her as much as I always did, feel we were the best couple ever, and wanting to spend the rest of my life with her until I passed away......is the fact that this makes no sense. I will still be sad for a very long time about how the love of my life has decided to go a separate way..... but I just need to make sense of it. I need to know how the person I knew all these years could suddenly be so different. This is a person who if I would have been killed in some freak accident years ago, like a car wreck, cared about me so much that her family would have to make sure she didn't become suicidal having suffered my loss. That is how close she always seemed to me.
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Old 19th August 2015, 04:50 PM   #62
Mfrisco
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Re: And yet another "I love you but not in love with you" story

Quote:
Originally Posted by chosen View Post
have you heard back from her yet?
LOL....yes and no...

I had to take one of our cats to the vet yesterday for minor surgery...a known and planned event.

She texted me and asked me to let her know how the she (kitty) was post surgery. She wanted to make sure our kitty was ok.

I texted her back and said that I would be picking the cat up at 4pm as they wanted to keep her there under observation. In the same text message I also asked if she was going to answer my question about a decision and a date.

She replied back "Ok, let me know when you get her (kitty) home and how she is doing".

So she completely read my text....and completely ignored the reference about a decision/time/date.
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Old 19th August 2015, 04:50 PM   #63
notDoneYet
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Re: And yet another "I love you but not in love with you" story

Quote:
Originally Posted by Mfrisco View Post
notDoneYet - Sorry as I am new to this...what is WW, GAL, and LBS ?
I get OW = other woman and NC = No contact.
WW = wayward wife
GAL = Get a Life
LBS = Left Behind Spouse

So like I say MF, if you are emotionally in a place where you can accept that it's over between you and your W then that's your decision. Just be aware that right now she is so think in the fog that reasoning/ultimatums won't work.

You may find the following resource useful, it'll give you an insight into what you are dealing with:

http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums...54#Post2545554


Good luck
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Old 19th August 2015, 04:52 PM   #64
notDoneYet
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Re: And yet another "I love you but not in love with you" story

Quote:
She texted me and asked me to let her know how the she (kitty) was post surgery. She wanted to make sure our kitty was ok.
That's a temp check IMO. She still wants to know her insurance policy is still in place. She know that will be true for at least 3 months as you said this to her yourself.
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Old 19th August 2015, 04:56 PM   #65
Mfrisco
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Re: And yet another "I love you but not in love with you" story

Quote:
Originally Posted by notDoneYet View Post
WW = wayward wife
GAL = Get a Life
LBS = Left Behind Spouse

So like I say MF, if you are emotionally in a place where you can accept that it's over between you and your W then that's your decision. Just be aware that right now she is so think in the fog that reasoning/ultimatums won't work.

You may find the following resource useful, it'll give you an insight into what you are dealing with:

http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums...54#Post2545554


Good luck
Thanks NDY.... That is the ultimate thing is getting over her...and that will come with time. My mind still sees us together on vacations and doing stuff around the house and blah blah blah that needs to fade. My heart needs to get to a place where it just does not care....shut off that switch...but we all know how that is difficult to control sometimes.

I just wish she would sit down and tell me how she was able to do a 180 degree spin on us. How did the person I knew before, who seemed to be lost without me there.... cried on the phone while we spoke when I had a 3 week work trip to North Africa where I was installing communications equipment in 2005, suddenly can be so rude and cold at the drop of a hat.
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Old 19th August 2015, 05:02 PM   #66
ralfgarnett
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Re: And yet another "I love you but not in love with you" story

[QUOTE=Mfrisco;87118]Thanks NDY.... That is the ultimate thing is getting over her...and that will come with time. My mind still sees us together on vacations and doing stuff around the house and blah blah blah that needs to fade. My heart needs to get to a place where it just does not care....shut off that switch...but we all know how that is difficult to control sometimes.

I just wish she would sit down and tell me how she was able to do a 180 degree spin on us. How did the person I knew before, who seemed to be lost without me there.... cried on the phone while we spoke when I had a 3 week work trip to North Africa where I was installing communications equipment in 2005, suddenly can be so rude and cold at the drop of a hat.[/QUOTE]

Yeh well if you find out please will you let us all know mate ? as there are quite a few of us LBS would like to know the answer to that one.
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Old 19th August 2015, 05:17 PM   #67
notDoneYet
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Re: And yet another "I love you but not in love with you" story

Quote:
Originally Posted by Mfrisco View Post
Thanks NDY.... That is the ultimate thing is getting over her...and that will come with time. My mind still sees us together on vacations and doing stuff around the house and blah blah blah that needs to fade. My heart needs to get to a place where it just does not care....shut off that switch...but we all know how that is difficult to control sometimes.

I just wish she would sit down and tell me how she was able to do a 180 degree spin on us. How did the person I knew before, who seemed to be lost without me there.... cried on the phone while we spoke when I had a 3 week work trip to North Africa where I was installing communications equipment in 2005, suddenly can be so rude and cold at the drop of a hat.
No problem my friend.

Indecently, the stuff I put in my original post is to help you with these very things. The important part about what I wrote is that it's to minimize any further damage AND it gets the message across to your WW that you are moving on, with or without her. A far more powerful message IMO.

On her attitude, read the link I sent. Trust me it's a mess inside your WW's head right now and it could take a very long time for her to wake up.

You may also consider this. If she does come back after the ultimatum, is she really coming back to the M or is she just scared of the alternative. Think about that my friend because if she comes back for the wrong reasons OM/W 2 will be just around the corner and no amount of MC will stop that from happening. She has to want to come back on her own.
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Old 19th August 2015, 05:32 PM   #68
chosen
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Re: And yet another "I love you but not in love with you" story

Quote:
Originally Posted by Mfrisco View Post
I appreciate all of your responses....everything I read helps me to cope so please keep the replies coming. Someone who has been through multiple marriages and divorces may be used to this and knows how to deal with it (if there are any people on this forum having been married multiple times and divorced multiple times)...but for me this is new ground. I am not sure how I am supposed to feel, how I am supposed to act......I only know 'how' I feel and I am trying to do what I think is right.... although I understand it probably has adverse effects.

You all are correct when you say that trying to reach through to her and make sense of all this just pushes her farther away. But it is because I am thinking she is the 'normal' person I knew before.

Some of the things she has done in the last 2 months are not something the person I knew would do. She even frowned on other people we know who have done similar things and said "What the heck were they thinking?". Now... she is doing the very thing that she claimed for 20 years was either stupid or cruel or just downright wrong.

I'm a pretty simple person. I'm easy going and I do not get wrapped around the axle about things. I may be older and wiser, but I am the same person I was in my 20's. I have the same beliefs, the same ideas about right and wrong, and I treat others respectfully until I am treated badly.

So what makes someone, like my wife, just do a complete 180 degree spin?
How does a person you have known for 20 years....someone who you know their likes, dislikes, actions, what they believe is good and bad....suddenly decide to do the very things they would have felt disgusted by before?

If I had to put this in perspective...I would claim an alien abduction. Seriously. I would swear that aliens came and took my real wife in the middle of the night and replaced her with someone that looks like her...but the personality they got all wrong.

Let's say that I could never imagine coming home one day, saying "I've been unhappy for the last couple of years, I feel we are on separate paths, and I feel we no longer share the same interests" and then bail. I could not imagine her doing that either...but then it happened.

Part of the reason I am having a hard time letting go, besides the fact that I still love her as much as I always did, feel we were the best couple ever, and wanting to spend the rest of my life with her until I passed away......is the fact that this makes no sense. I will still be sad for a very long time about how the love of my life has decided to go a separate way..... but I just need to make sense of it. I need to know how the person I knew all these years could suddenly be so different. This is a person who if I would have been killed in some freak accident years ago, like a car wreck, cared about me so much that her family would have to make sure she didn't become suicidal having suffered my loss. That is how close she always seemed to me.
MY husband said the same with his ex, he couldnt believe that she would meet another 3 times divorced man and divorce him. We can never know 100% what people are capable of, and I put it down to selfishness. It was easy for her to judge others who did those things, but when it came to HER wanting to do it, it was different(to her).

BTW there are no shoulds and oughts as to how we are supposed to feel, each case is different and each of us are different. I am pretty sure there is no one here who has had more than one marriage break up.
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Old 19th August 2015, 05:34 PM   #69
chosen
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Re: And yet another "I love you but not in love with you" story

Quote:
Originally Posted by Mfrisco View Post
LOL....yes and no...

I had to take one of our cats to the vet yesterday for minor surgery...a known and planned event.

She texted me and asked me to let her know how the she (kitty) was post surgery. She wanted to make sure our kitty was ok.

I texted her back and said that I would be picking the cat up at 4pm as they wanted to keep her there under observation. In the same text message I also asked if she was going to answer my question about a decision and a date.

She replied back "Ok, let me know when you get her (kitty) home and how she is doing".

So she completely read my text....and completely ignored the reference about a decision/time/date.
OK so she is refusing to answer you, so why not ask her when she is coming round to collect her things, as you would like them out of the house. Maybe give her 2 weeks to do so, I think you need to take back some control here.
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Old 19th August 2015, 05:35 PM   #70
chosen
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Re: And yet another "I love you but not in love with you" story

Quote:
Originally Posted by Mfrisco View Post
Thanks NDY.... That is the ultimate thing is getting over her...and that will come with time. My mind still sees us together on vacations and doing stuff around the house and blah blah blah that needs to fade. My heart needs to get to a place where it just does not care....shut off that switch...but we all know how that is difficult to control sometimes.

I just wish she would sit down and tell me how she was able to do a 180 degree spin on us. How did the person I knew before, who seemed to be lost without me there.... cried on the phone while we spoke when I had a 3 week work trip to North Africa where I was installing communications equipment in 2005, suddenly can be so rude and cold at the drop of a hat.
Its very early days for you, these things take time.
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Old 19th August 2015, 06:00 PM   #71
Mfrisco
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Re: And yet another "I love you but not in love with you" story

Quote:
Originally Posted by chosen View Post
OK so she is refusing to answer you, so why not ask her when she is coming round to collect her things, as you would like them out of the house. Maybe give her 2 weeks to do so, I think you need to take back some control here.
Well sort of hoping she won't turn vicious and then want to fight for the house. So far, she was fine with moving out, leaving things behind, and saying that she does not want the house. But worried if I do seem like I am "moving on" for real then she might decide to suddenly want the house as well.

I work from home...this is also my office. Not ready to change where I live and where I work right now.
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Old 19th August 2015, 06:26 PM   #72
notDoneYet
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Re: And yet another "I love you but not in love with you" story

Quote:
Originally Posted by Mfrisco View Post
Well sort of hoping she won't turn vicious and then want to fight for the house. So far, she was fine with moving out, leaving things behind, and saying that she does not want the house. But worried if I do seem like I am "moving on" for real then she might decide to suddenly want the house as well.

I work from home...this is also my office. Not ready to change where I live and where I work right now.
These things take longer than you think. From experience don't allow your WW to harass you into decisions you're not ready to commit to. Mine tried it several times, just read my thread but so far I've managed to keep to my pace.

For info, once things stop going her way (and they will) expect war.
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Old 19th August 2015, 06:38 PM   #73
chosen
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Re: And yet another "I love you but not in love with you" story

Quote:
Originally Posted by Mfrisco View Post
Well sort of hoping she won't turn vicious and then want to fight for the house. So far, she was fine with moving out, leaving things behind, and saying that she does not want the house. But worried if I do seem like I am "moving on" for real then she might decide to suddenly want the house as well.

I work from home...this is also my office. Not ready to change where I live and where I work right now.
as you said before she will only be entitled to a small amount of the house because of her pension. It may be wise to get some legal advise just in case.
I guess there is no harm in asking her when she intends to collect her things, and if you have a garage, you can always pack then up and put then in there for now and tell her they are in there when she wants to collect them. She still seems to be keeping one foot in both camps as an insurance policy. IT wont do any harm for her to know that you are making plans without her.
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Old 19th August 2015, 07:23 PM   #74
notDoneYet
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Re: And yet another "I love you but not in love with you" story

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Originally Posted by chosen View Post
as you said before she will only be entitled to a small amount of the house because of her pension. It may be wise to get some legal advise just in case.
I guess there is no harm in asking her when she intends to collect her things, and if you have a garage, you can always pack then up and put then in there for now and tell her they are in there when she wants to collect them. She still seems to be keeping one foot in both camps as an insurance policy. IT wont do any harm for her to know that you are making plans without her.
Precisely.
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Old 19th August 2015, 08:07 PM   #75
Mfrisco
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Re: And yet another "I love you but not in love with you" story

NDY...
So I followed your link and read a lot on those forums by the way. Good read...thank you for the link. Opened my eyes even further.

Here is my concern.
Sandy2 on those forums states that following her guidelines with a WW will likely get the WW to thinking and actually begin to miss her H and want to possibly reconcile (or not).
If I currently still would like to reconcile, even if it takes months, and she is remorseful and apologizes and we can begin to work towards a new life together (because I still see the wife I love and care for in there....just buried deep at the moment).... then I worry that doing all the things in "Sandy2's list" over time will actually make me decide to forget her and move on. Now some may say "well that's a great thing isn't it?"

I'm saying that if above it all, knowing she has treated me unfairly and is having an affair with another woman (vs OM), that she was to one day return to her former self (or close to it given what she will come to realize if she stops being a WW) then I would like to have that person back.

I want no part of the WW in her current state. But if she was to come around, snap out of it later, and became the person who I married initially....I would still like the option of knowing my heart waited for her to appear again.

But my actions may change my feelings toward her permanently.....to where even the old her is no longer desirable. In that case...I followed some advice to push her into returning to her former self only to change my own feelings towards her and it is over anyway. Now she is "back to normal" and I don't care.
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