Starting my new life.

[luca3434]

Hi there. After 18 years together, my wife and I have finally separated. We have 2 children aged 9 and 13,and the older one has autism which has been a huge strain. There has been no foul play, or other parties involved, it is just the sad natural conclusion of things. Our marriage has not been good for 6/7 years and we have struggled along with virtually no physical relationship (at my wifes request) and some tough times. I came to accept I was unhappy, and wanted out at least 2 years ago, so I feel I have done the grieving for the relationship and gone through the emotions of that part. However as it is only a month since we told the kids that I was moving out, I am still going through the stages of accepting what this will be doing to them. My dilemma however is that we moved 500+ miles away from my family 6 years ago to be near my wifes family in Scotland so I am very much on my own now. I have been scared of loneliness and have subsequently joined a dating site, and met a very genuine, hard working, kind, sensible and just lovely lady who lives near by (we actually have a couple of common aquaintences) and we are getting on just great and we both feel optimistic about the future. We have been totally open with each other and she is prepared to wait for me until all issues with my ex are resolved. She does not want to cause an obstruction or hinderance to my children. I have read all the advice saying DONT DO THIS so soon, however I am trying to reassure myself that it is just the separation of the practicalities and finances that have just happened, as the emotional break up happened a while back. Yes she is the first person I have met, and who knows, she may well be the one..? However as a deep thinker and anxious guy, I am scared I am making a big mistake, although being with her just feels so comfy and so right. We are both in our 40s. Any good advice really appreciated . Thank you.

[chosen]

Just not to get at all serious until you are divorced.
IT was 4 years for me before I was emotionally ready to even think of another man, but in my experience men do tend to rush into a new relationship very soon after a marriage break up or a bereavement, and that isnt always helpful. They do it like you out of fear of being alone, and that is a bad reason to have a relationship. This is probably why 60% of second marriages fail.

Take it slowly, just go out as friends only, and wait till you are divorced and everything is sorted before you have any sort of deep relationship physical or otherwise is my advise.

In another year things may well look very differently to you, you may or may not still be with this new lady, but you will be in a better place of healing and not be so needy emotionally. Therefore you will be in a better place to judge whether this new lady really is the one for you, or is just a nice lady who is filing the empty space inside you for now.

The main thing for you at this time is to be the best dad you can, being that you arent living with your children, and also begin to adapt to a different life alone. Join things, do things you haven't done before, take up hobbies, sports or whatever you like doing. Dont put all your eggs in one basket with this lady for now, have other interests in you life. You have much more spare time now, so use it wisely.

[ralfgarnett]

Originally Posted by luca3434

Hi there. After 18 years together, my wife and I have finally separated. We have 2 children aged 9 and 13,and the older one has autism which has been a huge strain. There has been no foul play, or other parties involved, it is just the sad natural conclusion of things. Our marriage has not been good for 6/7 years and we have struggled along with virtually no physical relationship (at my wifes request) and some tough times. I came to accept I was unhappy, and wanted out at least 2 years ago, so I feel I have done the grieving for the relationship and gone through the emotions of that part. However as it is only a month since we told the kids that I was moving out, I am still going through the stages of accepting what this will be doing to them. My dilemma however is that we moved 500+ miles away from my family 6 years ago to be near my wifes family in Scotland so I am very much on my own now. I have been scared of loneliness and have subsequently joined a dating site, and met a very genuine, hard working, kind, sensible and just lovely lady who lives near by (we actually have a couple of common aquaintences) and we are getting on just great and we both feel optimistic about the future. We have been totally open with each other and she is prepared to wait for me until all issues with my ex are resolved. She does not want to cause an obstruction or hinderance to my children. I have read all the advice saying DONT DO THIS so soon, however I am trying to reassure myself that it is just the separation of the practicalities and finances that have just happened, as the emotional break up happened a while back. Yes she is the first person I have met, and who knows, she may well be the one..? However as a deep thinker and anxious guy, I am scared I am making a big mistake, although being with her just feels so comfy and so right. We are both in our 40s. Any good advice really appreciated . Thank you.

Hi Luca sorry you find yourself here mate, but just wanted to wish you good luck I truly hope that as with most of us in here that you find what your looking for including true happiness and peace of mind.

[luca3434]

Thanks everyone.

The problem I have is that I have found someone else, we are mutually very compatible and enjoy each others company. We are both intelligent and in touch with our feelings. We are also both aware that this has happened quickly and altjough we cannot help our feelings for each other, we are goung to take things steady regarding children, finances, houses etc. Problem is though, everywhere on the net appears to say dont go into this relationship so soon, but I deserve to ge happy after being unhappy for so many years surely?

[ralfgarnett]

Originally Posted by luca3434

Thanks everyone.

The problem I have is that I have found someone else, we are mutually very compatible and enjoy each others company. We are both intelligent and in touch with our feelings. We are also both aware that this has happened quickly and altjough we cannot help our feelings for each other, we are goung to take things steady regarding children, finances, houses etc. Problem is though, everywhere on the net appears to say dont go into this relationship so soon, but I deserve to ge happy after being unhappy for so many years surely?

Luca mate, you have just come out of an 18 year relationship, I have had 19 years, so I know exactly where your coming from, if your happy and comfortable without any doubts then go for it and good luck to you, I am as lonely as hell most of the time and if I had found what you have found then I might quite possibly do exactly the same, I have a nice female friend but that is all she is a friend, only you know your own mind and what you want from this and nobody can tell you what you should or shouldn't be doing, follow your gut instincts and go with what feels comfortable, if you feel things running out of hand politely explain to her that it's a step too far for now, if she cares for you as you say she does then she will be ok with it, good luck mate I hope your both going to be very happy together.

[luca3434]

Thanks Ralf - you have made quite a lot of sense there, and enabled me to see things from a different perspective.

[ralfgarnett]

"Thanks Ralf - you have made quite a lot of sense there"

This isn't something I hear very often these days , seriously though good luck I hope you find peace and happiness it's the lest that you deserve, keep posting let us know how your getting on, your part of the gang now and we are all here for each other.

[chosen]

Originally Posted by luca3434

Thanks everyone.

The problem I have is that I have found someone else, we are mutually very compatible and enjoy each others company. We are both intelligent and in touch with our feelings. We are also both aware that this has happened quickly and altjough we cannot help our feelings for each other, we are goung to take things steady regarding children, finances, houses etc. Problem is though, everywhere on the net appears to say dont go into this relationship so soon, but I deserve to ge happy after being unhappy for so many years surely?

Cant you just remain friends till the divorce comes through? Whats is the rush?

A man called JIm Smoke who started up the worldwide divorce recovery worskshops and who has counselled thousands of divorcing or divorced people, advises 2 years after the divorce before embarking on another serious relationship. He has seen many people do that too soon, get married and not long after most are divorced for the second time. He can only advise, and its up to us to heed that or not.

[luca3434]

Originally Posted by chosen

Cant you just remain friends till the divorce comes through? Whats is the rush?

A man called JIm Smoke who started up the worldwide divorce recovery worskshops and who has counselled thousands of divorcing or divorced people, advises 2 years after the divorce before embarking on another serious relationship. He has seen many people do that too soon, get married and not long after most are divorced for the second time. He can only advise, and its up to us to heed that or not.

I have no intention of getting married or even cohabiting. I am just enjoying the company, connection, companionship, and physical closeness with a caring, lovely genuine lady. Something I was looking for in the last 6/7 lonely years in my marriage.

[Lindentree1]

Originally Posted by luca3434

I have no intention of getting married or even cohabiting. I am just enjoying the company, connection, companionship, and physical closeness with a caring, lovely genuine lady. Something I was looking for in the last 6/7 lonely years in my marriage.

As long as you are still taking care of your financial responsibilities and seeing your kids, then just be happy. If this lady makes you happy--that's great. Life is short. If you start to feel things are going too fast, you can always slow down. If you feel okay about everything, then go by your instincts and don't worry so much.

[chosen]

Originally Posted by luca3434

I have no intention of getting married or even cohabiting. I am just enjoying the company, connection, companionship, and physical closeness with a caring, lovely genuine lady. Something I was looking for in the last 6/7 lonely years in my marriage.

If you have been in a marriage where you have been very distant emotionally for a long time then you probably will be more ready to move on sooner than someone for whom it was a sudden ending.
That was the situation for my husband with his ex. He had been unhappy for most the marriage(23 years) and they had already been separated for a year before she met another man, so he was able to move on sooner than I did because my ending was completely sudden. For me it was 6 years before I met my now husband and I was still pretty damaged even then.

Just some advise though, most women do like to have the security of a marriage eventually. My sister in law lived with a man for several years, they were both divorced when they met, but eventually she left because he refused to marry her and she needed that security as she was by now in her 50's. Silly man, he lost a nice lady.

[Lindentree1]

Originally Posted by chosen

If you have been in a marriage where you have been very distant emotionally for a long time then you probably will be more ready to move on sooner than someone for whom it was a sudden ending.
That was the situation for my husband with his ex. He had been unhappy for most the marriage(23 years) and they had already been separated for a year before she met another man, so he was able to move on sooner than I did because my ending was completely sudden. For me it was 6 years before I met my now husband and I was still pretty damaged even then.

Just some advise though, most women do like to have the security of a marriage eventually. MY sister in laws lived with a man for several years, they were both divorced when they met, but eventually she left because he refused to marry her and being that she was coming back to God, she knew that wasnt what she wanted. Silly man.

When my marriage is legally over, somewhere down the road I hope to marry again. I loved being a wife. I would be incredibly sad if I never married again.

[chosen]

Originally Posted by Lindentree1

When my marriage is legally over, somewhere down the road I hope to marry again. I loved being a wife. I would be incredibly sad if I never married again.

yes thats how I felt. All I ever wanted was to marry and have children. I was well aware that if I wanted a Christian guy this time I may well not marry again, as I was in my 40s by then and there are always far more single Christian women than men anyway, and that gets worse the older you get, and of course men tend to want younger women as well so that makes the numbers even more uneven. I didnt like being single I must say, and seem to thrive being married.

I hope that you do meet a nice guy and have a happy marriage again. Never let one bad experience put you off.

[Lindentree1]

Originally Posted by chosen

yes thats how I felt. All I ever wanted was to marry and have children. I was well aware that if I wanted a Christian guy this time I may well not marry again, as I was in my 40s by then and there are always far more single Christian women than men anyway, and that gets worse the older you get, and of course men tend to want younger women as well so that makes the numbers even more uneven. I didnt like being single I must say, and seem to thrive being married.

I hope that you do meet a nice guy and have a happy marriage again. Never let one bad experience put you off.

Thanks, Chosen.

[luca3434]

Thank you all very much. You have helped me a great deal.