Site Areas
Wedding Centre
Health Club
Marriage Clinic
Chapel
University
Citizen's Centre
Coffee Shop
Admin Centre

Contents
Articles
Books
CDs / Videos
Tips
Services

Resources
Forums
Membership
Contact Us
Site map
Link to Us

Search

Take the Couple Check-up!

Marriage Week UK

Marriage first aid

Online support for your marriage

Free Tell A Friend from Bravenet


Home > Forums
2-in-2-1 Discussion Forums  

Go Back   2-in-2-1 Discussion Forums > Advice > Marriage Help

Reply
 
Thread Tools Display Modes
Old 24th July 2015, 04:20 PM   #1
Love4Life
Guest
 
Posts: n/a
After 34 years I am devastated...

Oh I am so glad I found this forum, even if I get no replies I am sure just typing out what I am feeling could help. My post is long and I apologize for that.

I am 53 years old tomorrow and my husband is 57. We have been married for 34 years. We have 2 grown kids 28 and 33, that have families of their own. My husband has been very blessed with the art of salesmanship. He has always been the top in his nationwide company in sales. So we have never had money problems and live very comfortably. I make stained glass and have a shop that I work out of here at my place. My husband and I truly love each other, or so I thought. We live way in the country and he commutes everyday to the big city, about 70 miles each way. He is in outside sales but thankfully he doesnt have to travel unless he wants to. He drops by his office maybe once a week. We have a great sex life and always have. Years ago I accepted the fact that his cell phone is his lifeline, cannot go without it. I have never been out for dinner, on a vacation, fishing, nothing without him and his phone. I have never really had an entire conversation with him without him taking calls. I have never asked him, ever, who calls, texts whatever. Heck he is taking care of me, why would I? About 6 months ago he out of the blue would just say an off the wall thing about this new girl in his office. I didnt think much of it until everything went down. He said this new girl got a hold of his phone and was looking at his contacts and told him she couldnt believe she wasnt in there and that most guys would kill to have her number. He mentioned once this new girl was changing her name to an exotic name that I dont want to reveal here. I didnt think much of that. Another time he said that new girl was getting into outside sales. Then another he said she was a slut. I just laughed and told him that wasnt nice to say. He has never told me anything personal about any of his coworkers, it was just odd. Still I never thought anything else of it. In Feb of this year he attended his national sales convention in another state where he has been honored with the number one VIP for the nation. He goes to this convention every year, he calls me several times a day and sends texts whenever he can. Until this year. I called him but he never called me back for 4 days. He said they were so busy and he fell asleep when he would get back to his room. A little later that month he had his appreciation dinner for all the sales people in his office at a nice restaurant. There were about 75 people there including spouses. I noticed this girl keeping a close watch on him but didnt say anything because there have always been men and women wanting him to help them succeed in their sales. When it was time for us to take a seat what do ya know, she grabbed the seat directly in front of him. Still never thought anything of it, he never introduced us. In the middle of March one evening late before bed he said that tomorrow he was going to go to blah, blah, blah and told me how every minute of his day would be spent. Told me to not worry about going to the city, what can I bring home for you. Weird, He has never in 34 years told me where he was going for the day. The next morning he elaborated on that same story and seemed excited and upbeat when he left the house. At about 10:00 am I called him and it went to voice mail. At about 11:00 he called me and said that he really wasnt going where he told me he was. He had just picked up M....y and he was going to take her on sales calls with him for the day. He said it was a spur of the moment thing. Well, ok. About 3 hours later he called and said hey say hi to M...y, remember her? Laughing he said she is the one I told you grabbed my phone one day and wanted her contact info in it. He made me talk to her, very awkward. After that weird phone call I put it all together, this was that new girl he had been talking about. On the way home at about 7:00 ( he is ordinarily home by 5:00) he called and apologized for lying to me about where he was going for the day, he just didnt think it was important that I knew, but it had to be important or he wouldnt have made up a story about where he was going and who with. I never cared where he was or who he was with, ever. I asked him when he got home how long he had planned to do this and why he would lie about it and he said again just a spur of the moment thing. He said his boss made him do it and even though he felt uncomfortable about it he did it. I asked him where they went. He said just called on a few customers then I dropped her back at her car. I asked did you go to lunch? Yes we went to a restaurant over there. He usually goes to Burger King or some other drive thru when he's making calls, unless he is taking a customer out to lunch. He said he could hardly work that he felt so bad about lying to me, he just didnt want me to get mad. He just kept saying I couldnt wait to get her out of my truck, I felt so guilty. ?? I have never been mad when he took other women with him on sales calls, just another day. I said give me your phone. He did and there was no trace of any msgs or calls to or from her. Now I was really curious and half way pissed. I got a software program that recovers deleted texts and phone calls and it blew my mind. He had deleted at least 100 items between them. They had made the plans to spend the day together at least a week earlier. Talking about it at least 3-4 times a day up until she hopped in his truck. Shockingly as "scared and uncomfortable" he said he had been all day and how relieved he was when he finally dropped her back to her car, he called her 4 times on the way home, starting about 4 minutes after he dropped her off. One call was for 22 minutes. I had called him during that time and went to voice mail. Why, if he was so relieved to get her out of his truck and felt so bad about lying to me would he call her 4 times and let my call go to voice mail? Most of their phone call and texts had been when I would shower in the evening right before bed. The texts were not really personal but much different than his other texts. When confronted he said he had forgotten about those and that he always deletes his texts after seeing them, lie, there are hundreds that werent touched. So he swears it was just work and I really wanted to believe him. In the meantime I asked a little about her. He messed up at one point and told me she had really come around to almost being respectable after working there for 14 years. I almost flipped. He told me she was a new girl. I know and socialize with all of his coworkers and have for 25 years, what the heck? Then they came one after the other..lie, lie, lie. He knows I am pissed so he devizes a plan to gain support. He calls his best friend, his boss, our 2 kids and their families and tells them I am mad at him for deleting 2 or 3 texts from a coworker that just happens to be female! That I am really affecting our daily life and he is having a real hard time. What??? They in return swear to never speak or have anything to do with me if I dont stop all of this now. He got a text message from our son in law that said "We are sorry you are having to go through this. You are a good man and dont deserve what is happening to you. We are all here to support you in any way" While he is grinning ear to ear watching me lose everything I have. The national sales conference where I didnt hear from him for 4 days? I asked him if she was there. He said no. When looking at a web app that was made just for this conference one of the first photos was of him with a beer in one hand and his arm around her with a **** eating grin on his face. I have never in 34 years even seen him get close enough to touch a woman much less have his arm around her with his fingers almost on top of her nipples!! Imagine his reaction when I shoved that at him. I didnt know that picture even existed...blah, blah, blah. So here I am he swears it is just a coworker he is mentoring, but he has now told his boss that he will not be able to come to the office or go to meetings anymore if she is there. And he makes sure to tell our kids that too? I didnt tell him to do that! Now imagine what hell I am going thru with my family. They completely disowned me for doing nothing. I am still doing damage control with them and he has since admitted to only me that he made a couple of bad decisions, didnt tell me the truth about how long she had been working with him & lied about her being at the national sales conference for the last 3 years. Now while I am trying to fix all the damage he has done he just goes on like nothing ever happened. Oh he did go to a therapist right after he lied to me to try to figure out how to get me to believe him. He came home with a photo copy of this sheet that explains that my questions should be limited because he is so hurt and it had a chart on there with a star on it showing what his anxiety level was. Oh and he made it a point to tell me that she said she was jealous of me for having such a wonderful husband!! Oh my God! He is the most self centered, manipulative man on the planet. But I would be even more devastated to try to start a new life than to try to make it work with him. Give me some advice, please. I know I am long winded, but my kids wont listen to me anymore and I refuse to talk bad about their father. I feel like I am dying, like I really am nothing to him. What kind of husband lies, not by omission, but creates a whole story to make sure his wife doesn't see that he is with another woman, then when I find out the details to get a cheering squad to support him and turn against me? Isnt that the ultimate betrayal? To turn my own children against me when he is the one who created this whole situation? I Would never have called our kids and told them anything about this.
  Reply With Quote
Old 24th July 2015, 06:12 PM   #2
notDoneYet
Registered User
 
Join Date: Dec 2014
Posts: 1,297
Re: After 34 years I am devastated...

Hi Love4life

Sorry you are here and going through this. Let me tell you something from someone who knows. There are so many red flags in your story that if its not a PA (physical affair) it's at least an EA (emotional affair). Either way it's devistating for you.

Some rules need to be applied here. First, the WS (wayward spouse) will use every trick in the book to cover up their infidelity. Especially guilt. It's YOUR fault the had an affair (yea, right like you pushed him into her arms). Second, believe nothing of what they say and only 50% of what they do. They will lie to you over and over and over. And yes, they will use lies to get family on their side.
You also need to think about who you talk to and about what. My advice? Stay away from family and friends. If you have a real confidant, speak to them. But only them.

You also need to think about confrontation. To me I wouldn't buy into his story. The evidence points in your direction and you are right to be suspicious. What you now need to do is think about your next move. You clearly want to stay in your marriage. Does your husband? If he does, and be prepared for him to say no then he needs to commit. He needs to face up to the lies.

Best bit of advice I have right now? Be strong. Make time for yourself without him (we call this GAL or Get a life) and DO NOT pursue him. He needs to realise what he's leaving behind and he can only do that with his actions.

If he's ready to work on the M then good. Post back and tell us how that goes. If not, get a lawyer.

Peace
notDoneYet is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 25th July 2015, 05:43 AM   #3
Love4Life
Guest
 
Posts: n/a
Re: After 34 years I am devastated...

Thank you so much for your advice. It helps so much to know that someone took the time to listen to me. I have never felt so alone in my life. Thank you 😊
  Reply With Quote
Old 25th July 2015, 04:41 PM   #4
chosen
Registered User
 
Join Date: Aug 2009
Posts: 5,794
Re: After 34 years I am devastated...

I think that there are 2 things here, the fact that your husband probably cheated on you(and I hope he is man enough to come clean), and the terrible thing he did by making you look like the one in the wrong to your children.

I think you need to honestly and calmly tell the family what has happened, and that you are pretty sure he has been cheating on you, they are grown up now and need to know the truth.

What he has done is appalling quite honestly not sure how you can trust him again.
chosen is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 26th July 2015, 11:09 AM   #5
ralfgarnett
Registered User
 
Join Date: Aug 2014
Posts: 2,076
Re: After 34 years I am devastated...

Hello L4L, I am so sorry to hear your story and to see you in such a terrible situation after such a long time, I am in no position to offer you advice but I want you to know that my thoughts and prayers are with you.
ralfgarnett is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 26th July 2015, 04:24 PM   #6
Love4Life
Guest
 
Posts: n/a
Re: After 34 years I am devastated...

Thank you all so much. You are the only people I have confided in and it means so much to me that you have taken time out to just write something.
  Reply With Quote
Old 26th July 2015, 10:33 PM   #7
chosen
Registered User
 
Join Date: Aug 2009
Posts: 5,794
Re: After 34 years I am devastated...

Carry on coming here we will do what we can to support you.
chosen is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 27th July 2015, 12:06 AM   #8
Lindentree1
Registered User
 
Join Date: Mar 2015
Posts: 1,253
Re: After 34 years I am devastated...

I would print out your first post and have your children read it. They need to know the truth, and the truth right now is that your husband is trying to manipulate this situation, and it's working in his favor. It sounds like he is having either an emotional or physical affair.

You need to be ready for what may happen. This woman sounds like she is after your husband. What are you going to do about this? Is your husband willing to do the work and help get your marriage back on track? If he isn't, how will you handle this?

I am really sorry you are going through this.
Lindentree1 is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 27th July 2015, 09:26 AM   #9
Raymond
Moderator
 
Join Date: Dec 2006
Posts: 6,409
Re: After 34 years I am devastated...

I would say he is falling for temptation and that this other woman knows what she is doing.

However I do see hope as there is a conscience there even though he lied. I think you need to be brave though. He shouldn't be touching women or even eating alone with them. You need to check up a lot more than you used to as obviously a trust issue has now arisen. If this carries on you need to confront him with a wake up call. Her or me, choose. This should get the message home even though it is a risk for you. I think you will win, but if you cling to your financial security above a faithful marriage then you could become passive and be a doormat while he has illigitimate fun.

Some of this could be to do with pride because of his position with the company. It takes humility to handle success. When a man is proud he can become vulnerable in other ways, quite often sexually.
Raymond is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 1st August 2015, 02:34 PM   #10
ralfgarnett
Registered User
 
Join Date: Aug 2014
Posts: 2,076
Re: After 34 years I am devastated...

Dear L4L, you have been very quiet for a few days now, in here you are amongst friends and kindrid spirits that care and understand, are you ok ? is their any developments or news to report ?.
ralfgarnett is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 13th August 2015, 11:38 AM   #11
Malini Bhatia
Registered User
 
Join Date: Aug 2015
Posts: 1
Re: After 34 years I am devastated...

I feel sorry for you.It's hard to think that the person you've spend a lifetime with - and you think you know them - can do such things and surprise you so. There is definitely something going on with this women; your husband could be having a physical or emotional affair. You seem to be wanting to stay in the marriage - and that is understandable, but you need to come to terms with the fact that your husband must also want the same thing. And if he wants the same thing, then he needs to own up and come out in the open about tell you what is truly going on with this girl and the lies and the manipulation. If he wants to save the marriage, then you both can also opt to go for counseling together. An outsider, like a marriage therapist, can help you understand why this happened and what are the things you can do to overcome this. Hope this helps; good luck!
Malini Bhatia is offline   Reply With Quote
Reply

Thread Tools
Display Modes

Posting Rules
You may not post new threads
You may not post replies
You may not post attachments
You may not edit your posts

BB code is On
Smilies are On
[IMG] code is On
HTML code is Off

Forum Jump


All times are GMT +1. The time now is 12:32 PM.


Powered by vBulletin®
Copyright ©2000 - 2024, vBulletin Solutions, Inc.


Top

Copyright ©1999-2024 2-in-2-1 Limited. All rights reserved. Disclaimer