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Old 10th July 2015, 05:13 PM   #31
notDoneYet
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Re: One year on the sadness and the stress.

Wow

We're backsliding again. I thought this thread was bout you making changes to get over the anniversary of your split? Get back to that subject.
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Old 10th July 2015, 05:16 PM   #32
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Re: One year on the sadness and the stress.

I always thought couples fought a lot before they broke up. I heard someone say once "They were fighting so much--no surprise they didn't last."

I thought to myself that my WH and I were not arguing before he left me. It doesn't sound like Ralf and his WW argued, either. I guess it doesn't always happen that way. I wish my WH and I had argued--I would have had an idea where his head was at, what was wrong. I know it doesn't really matter now, but sometimes it's hard not to look back.

The way Ralf's WW is acting now makes it seem like she is hiding something--the refusal to meet up, the refusal to really communicate. I wonder if something is going on with her--it could be anything, really.

I agree with others on here that it is cruel. Especially since she had started to write back, and now she's doing it again.

She needs to face herself--whatever is going on--and she needs to face Ralf. He needs an idea about what the future is going to be. Is she ever getting her things? Does she ever want a divorce? Where does she see the future going?

I agree that Ralf needs to get stronger, and move on with taking care of himself and filling his life up with other things--but I can see how it's hard for him to move on when he has uncertainties about the future.

I wish things were easier for you, Ralf. But try to implement some of the advice given here. It would be to your benefit. I know I need to do more in my situation, as well.

Last edited by Lindentree1; 10th July 2015 at 05:23 PM. Reason: Auto spelling error
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Old 10th July 2015, 07:35 PM   #33
ralfgarnett
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Re: One year on the sadness and the stress.

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Originally Posted by chosen View Post
I still think you are avoiding the truth. Suggest a day and time and see what she says.
I have been thinking the very same thing for the past hour or so, all she can do is say no I suppose, I was thinking of coffee tomorrow or going out for a ruby, or even going out for a few beers Saturday night, personally I think / expect that she will knock me back so yes I'm reluctant to ask the question right now, I have had a rough week with a few things and I'm far from my best, I noticed again that I was trembling in both arms and that my speech was hurried and breathless, it can't be a handsome sight for any woman least alone a woman that knew and was married to a confident, erudite, witty, strong minded, dynamic winner, I think perhaps I need to leave it for a few weeks to see if I get my health back a bit before I start making approaches, don't get me wrong I would love to see her lovely little face and her emerald green eyes but I'm not sure if now is the time, my energy levels are extremely low at the moment, earlier today I was in the cellar doing the litter trays and I might of well as been trying to climb Everest without oxygien, I had to keep stopping to catch my breath and something that would of taken me 10 minutes a few months ago took me 30 minutes or so to do, and by the time I had done it I was exhausted and needed to sit down to get some energy back, one positive is that I have eaten properly today, had 2 nice pork steaks with jacket potatoes and onion and garlic gravy with my own home grown thyme and I feel better for it, for my tea I have had a big bowl of bran flakes with yoghurt and milk so all healthy stuff that hopefully will help me back on the road to good health, and I have the same planned for tomorrow but with Brussels sprouts thrown in.
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Old 10th July 2015, 10:40 PM   #34
Lindentree1
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Re: One year on the sadness and the stress.

I meant when I said she was hiding something that perhaps she's having some mental health issues that Ralf alluded to? Of course, like I said before, it could be anything.

There will always be a reason not to see her, Ralf. But don't you want to try to put some of this anguish behind you?

You have to be ready, I guess...

Last edited by Lindentree1; 11th July 2015 at 12:48 AM.
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Old 11th July 2015, 10:37 AM   #35
ralfgarnett
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Re: One year on the sadness and the stress.

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Originally Posted by Lindentree1 View Post
I meant when I said she was hiding something that perhaps she's having some mental health issues that Ralf alluded to? Of course, like I said before, it could be anything.

There will always be a reason not to see her, Ralf. But don't you want to try to put some of this anguish behind you?

You have to be ready, I guess...
Hi LDT I think there is something going on with her and I suspect it is connected to her mental health and possibly work, her avoidance and denial speaks volumes to me about where her head is at, this is why I need to see her I person, but even if she agreed to meet up today I am not well enough to face her, and yes your correct we had a very peaceful co-existence and in our 19 years together we rarely argued in fact I can only think of a few occasions when we argued and one of those was before we were even engaged, my best mates girlfriend now his wife was winding her up saying that girl in a local pub fancied me, but instead of having a go at her she waited until we were walking home then turned on me even though I hadn't done or said anything, then I can remember another time in Sliema when we had a row over nothing and we were walking back to our flat downhill in the rain and she slipped on to her bottom and I laughed and she went bonkers on me, but they are only 2 of a handful of arguments we had, we just couldn't be bothered arguing but we had very little to ever argue about I'm happy and proud to say.

Last edited by ralfgarnett; 11th July 2015 at 10:47 AM.
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Old 11th July 2015, 01:17 PM   #36
chosen
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Re: One year on the sadness and the stress.

The ideas of suggesting a day and time is to see what her reaction is. If she says no well that is her answer really, and if she says yes then just go. Putting it off is what is making you worse.
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Old 11th July 2015, 02:50 PM   #37
ralfgarnett
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Re: One year on the sadness and the stress.

Quote:
Originally Posted by chosen View Post
The ideas of suggesting a day and time is to see what her reaction is. If she says no well that is her answer really, and if she says yes then just go. Putting it off is what is making you worse.
Hi DC I like your way of thinking I will give this some thought, I nearly did it yesterday but I chickened out, but I have previously asked her to meet me and been ignored apart from the time I got a garbled reply that seemed to be agreeing to meet only for nothing to ultimately happen, but as I keep saying she has to face me sometime and I actually feel quite insulted that she is ignoring me and not wanting to meet up, it actually makes me feel like a really bad person that she won't see me and this bothers me because in 19 years together we never had any issues with each other and she knows damn well she is safe with me I would never do anything to harm or upset her and she knows this, the thing that I don't understand is that we were meeting up twice weekly until December with no problems and she even used to tell me how lovely it was to see me which meant a lot to me, we were still getting on really well, communicating quite well, being thoughtful and kind to each other, not pressuring each other, having a bit of a giggle at times, a bit like being in a happy marriage but not living in the same house, and then it stopped dead on December 28th, I wonder what did that and what was going through her head ?, I guess I will never truly find the truth behind all this just recently I had started thinking about a secret affair but I discounted that from the beginning and having thought it through since I am 99.9% certain that there was no affair of any kind, and I think dear LDT is bang on the money when she said
"The way Ralf's WW is acting now makes it seem like she is hiding something--the refusal to meet up, the refusal to really communicate. I wonder if something is going on with her--it could be anything, really."
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Old 12th July 2015, 03:06 PM   #38
chosen
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Re: One year on the sadness and the stress.

She needs you to be definite and name a day and time. If you make it next weekend, then she has plenty of time to prepare.
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Old 12th July 2015, 05:00 PM   #39
ralfgarnett
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Re: One year on the sadness and the stress.

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She needs you to be definite and name a day and time. If you make it next weekend, then she has plenty of time to prepare.
I think she will be suspicious.
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Old 18th July 2015, 04:23 PM   #40
ralfgarnett
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Re: One year on the sadness and the stress.

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Originally Posted by Lindentree1 View Post
I always thought couples fought a lot before they broke up. I heard someone say once "They were fighting so much--no surprise they didn't last."

I thought to myself that my WH and I were not arguing before he left me. It doesn't sound like Ralf and his WW argued, either. I guess it doesn't always happen that way. I wish my WH and I had argued--I would have had an idea where his head was at, what was wrong. I know it doesn't really matter now, but sometimes it's hard not to look back.

The way Ralf's WW is acting now makes it seem like she is hiding something--the refusal to meet up, the refusal to really communicate. I wonder if something is going on with her--it could be anything, really.

I agree with others on here that it is cruel. Especially since she had started to write back, and now she's doing it again.

She needs to face herself--whatever is going on--and she needs to face Ralf. He needs an idea about what the future is going to be. Is she ever getting her things? Does she ever want a divorce? Where does she see the future going?

I agree that Ralf needs to get stronger, and move on with taking care of himself and filling his life up with other things--but I can see how it's hard for him to move on when he has uncertainties about the future.

I wish things were easier for you, Ralf. But try to implement some of the advice given here. It would be to your benefit. I know I need to do more in my situation, as well.
Hi LDT I have just re-read this post of yours, and I just wanted to say what a thoughtful. gentle, and kind post it was, thank you very much.
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Old 18th July 2015, 08:05 PM   #41
Lindentree1
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Re: One year on the sadness and the stress.

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Originally Posted by ralfgarnett View Post
Hi LDT I have just re-read this post of yours, and I just wanted to say what a thoughtful. gentle, and kind post it was, thank you very much.
You're welcome, Ralf. That's what we're here for, for advice and to support each other.
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Old 18th July 2015, 09:18 PM   #42
chosen
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Re: One year on the sadness and the stress.

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I think she will be suspicious.
why does that matter?All you want is to ask her a few questions. She isnt going to suggest a day so you have to. Either that ralf or you have to just assume that her refusal answers your question and let her go.
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Old 19th July 2015, 10:17 AM   #43
ralfgarnett
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Re: One year on the sadness and the stress.

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why does that matter?All you want is to ask her a few questions. She isnt going to suggest a day so you have to. Either that ralf or you have to just assume that her refusal answers your question and let her go.
Because if she is suspicious then the chances of her meeting me would be slim I think, this has to be done as naturally as possible and I need to find a way to do that, one of our kitties is soon due for his annual check up and she always wants to come to these so that might be one opportunity, although I don't want him to feel any tension between us as he has a very slight heart murmur and I don't want that to be affected in any way while the vet checks him over, just like Mr Micawber quotes frequently throughout David Copperfield I still think that some thing will turn up, I don't know how, where, or when I just think I will get an opportunity.
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Old 19th July 2015, 11:52 AM   #44
chosen
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Re: One year on the sadness and the stress.

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Originally Posted by ralfgarnett View Post
Because if she is suspicious then the chances of her meeting me would be slim I think, this has to be done as naturally as possible and I need to find a way to do that, one of our kitties is soon due for his annual check up and she always wants to come to these so that might be one opportunity, although I don't want him to feel any tension between us as he has a very slight heart murmur and I don't want that to be affected in any way while the vet checks him over, just like Mr Micawber quotes frequently throughout David Copperfield I still think that some thing will turn up, I don't know how, where, or when I just think I will get an opportunity.
You have to make opportunities Ralf things rarely just turn up. Surely you being honest with her and telling her that you need to talk to her about the future is far kinder than luring her into meeting and then springing this on her?
Be honest, tell her that you want to see her and discuss the future and offer 2 or 3 possible dates and times and wait to see what she says.
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Old 19th July 2015, 12:44 PM   #45
ralfgarnett
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Re: One year on the sadness and the stress.

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Originally Posted by chosen View Post
You have to make opportunities Ralf things rarely just turn up. Surely you being honest with her and telling her that you need to talk to her about the future is far kinder than luring her into meeting and then springing this on her?
Be honest, tell her that you want to see her and discuss the future and offer 2 or 3 possible dates and times and wait to see what she says.
Hi Chosen interesting usage of the word luring there it made me smile, makes me sound like a dear stalker, or a grouse beater or something , must admit I love a bit of venison not had any for ages.

The key to getting answers from her is not to give anything away pre-meeting, just like an agenda for a meeting if she knows in advance what I want to see her about then she could very well prepare with a negative response to my questions, what I want to do is have an element of surprise and not ask any questions where she can give simple yes or no answers, an example of this could be something along the lines of "will you consider giving our marriage another go ?" she can answer that by saying either yes or no, so a better way to ask that question would be perhaps "what would it take or what could we do to make our marriage work again ?" she can't say yes or no to that she has to think about it because I am not asking a black or white yes or no question, this of course is how sales works and that is exactly what I want when / if I meet her, it will be a perfect sales pitch that has been practiced, researched, and very well planned and thought through, I know it sounds like a bit of game playing and where she is concerned it's not what I'm about, during our time together I was always 100% honest and up-front wit her, and I am proud nd happy to say that in over 20 years now of knowing each other I have never said or done anything to her that I am ashamed of or regret, I never tricked, betrayed, or played games with her when she was here ((apart from the occasional game of nursey nursey), but desperate times mean desperate measures, I just need to create a perfect potential goal scoring opportunity and that for now is the tricky bit that I need to work out first.

Last edited by ralfgarnett; 19th July 2015 at 01:13 PM.
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