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Old 10th July 2015, 09:29 AM   #16
chosen
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Re: One year on the sadness and the stress.

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Originally Posted by ralfgarnett View Post
I don't know if it's worth wasting my time in trying, I have tried already at least 2/3 times to arrange to meet up but to no avail, it makes me feel bad that I keep getting rebuked but she must have her reasons which of course I'm not privy too but what more can I do ?.
Yes but you have asked her to make a date and time, now you need to suggest a day and time yourself. His about this weekend, meeting somewhere for a coffee?
YOu have to have closure here, she owes you that at least.
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Old 10th July 2015, 09:48 AM   #17
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Re: One year on the sadness and the stress.

It's actually very mean and selfish to not meet you.

Regardless of her own mind set, after 20 years, she really should have the decency to speak with you.

If you have tried 3 times and haven't got anywhere, e-mail her today and ask the questions you need to ask. Emphasise that you must have a reply as you must know where you stand. Forgot about meeting face to face, I don't think that's a good idea anyway. Reaction, body language, etc doesn't matter. She already knows her decision and like I said, you don't want to change what she truly feels. You want to know where you stand.

If she doesn't reply, she's not worth your suffering. Draw a line on it and start a new chapter on your life. Re-build and become the old Ralf you used to be.
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Old 10th July 2015, 10:08 AM   #18
ralfgarnett
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Re: One year on the sadness and the stress.

"It's actually very mean and selfish to not meet you.
Regardless of her own mind set, after 20 years, she really should have the decency to speak with you."

Without sounding like Mr self pity, I agree with you mate and it hurts like hell and makes me feel very low, she and I shared and experienced so much in our time together, we led a peaceful, honest, trustworthy, non-volatile, loving, caring, sharing existence , I know this sounds really daft and naïve but a bit of me still thinks that she is going to wake up one morning and realise that what she has done and is doing is wrong, pointless, and totally un-necessary, and we will sort thing out and become a happy married couple again, look it's simple I loved her not long after I met her and I have loved her over 20 years and I still love her and she knows this,

Last edited by ralfgarnett; 10th July 2015 at 10:19 AM.
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Old 10th July 2015, 10:39 AM   #19
ronnoco
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Re: One year on the sadness and the stress.

It's fine to think that one day she might do that but you can't just continue as you are can you?

There are no rules in this life - I know people that have split up with their partners and chosen to never be with another person - that's fine, BUT and here is the but....you MUST change the way you are living your life and change it ASAP!

Sure, have hope BUT start all those things we said about. Hell, if it makes it easier, do those things so if and when she does come back she see's the strong, resilient man she used to know...not this broken, fragile, drained soul.

Make those changes Ralf and start them today. Everything you need to know is in this thread - you just need to start the process.

No more going over the past, no more analysing, no more wondering why this or that happened, trying to rationalise it - just get on with YOUR life now.
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Old 10th July 2015, 11:09 AM   #20
notDoneYet
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Re: One year on the sadness and the stress.

Morning mate

Quote:
but a bit of me still thinks that she is going to wake up one morning and realise that what she has done and is doing is wrong, pointless, and totally un-necessary,
If this were to happen, and it is an if your W would need to hit rock bottom before even contemplating coming back. But she won't do this now. She's not in that place and TBH because you are still so attached she knows she can play you like a fiddle. Detach and move on. It may well be your only chance at getting her back (counter intuitive I know but there you go).

Quote:
look it's simple I loved her not long after I met her and I have loved her over 20 years and I still love her and she knows this,
Yip, she knows this. No need to keep saying it to her. It just pushes her further away.

Look mate. Everyone on here is basically telling you the same thing. Save yourself first.
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Old 10th July 2015, 12:03 PM   #21
ralfgarnett
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Re: One year on the sadness and the stress.

Morning chaps thanks for caring as ever, my problem is that I feel totally stuck, almost paralysed with fear and still in shock from what happened, I know it's not been easy for both of you either.

I feel almost lifeless at the moment and for a once fit, healthy, active, dynamic man I am currently finding myself feeling totally exhausted by doing even the simplest of things which is why I went back to the Dr on Tuesday.

Making the bed tires me out now, so does hanging out the washing, hoovering and dusting I have to sit down halfway through because it drains me so much, business is suffering because of my lack of energy and motivation.

I feel as though I need a complete break to clear my head and re-charge my batteries but I don't mean just a holiday I mean a helth farm type place, just book myself in for 5 days or a week and see if it does me any good that is how drained I feel.

Yesterday I said to a friend of mine that I cant carry on as I have been doing and that the first years anniversary of our separation should be the day I try to draw the line underneath it all, try to move on, try to GAL, this is all well and good saying these things but actually doing them is another thing, I have been co-dependent on someone I love dearly for over 19 years and I just don't know what to do with myself, as I said I feel stuck an don't know how to get going again I wish I did.

I just have this feeling of un-finished business with her and that there has to be a few more chapters to be played out before this is all finished one way or the other, sadly both your wives decided to cheat on you both which is as low as you can get, your both obviously great blokes I would love to have you both as real mates and god knows you deserve so much better than what they gave you, what I am saying is that your situations were very black and white they cheated that's it game over, mine didn't so no animosity on my part, I don't even feel angry about her and what she has done, all she has done is exercise her free will by leaving, I don't agree with her, I don't like what she has done, but I have no ill feeling towards her, had she cheated then it wold of been a different story, but she didn't so I still have very strong feelings for her.
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Old 10th July 2015, 12:28 PM   #22
notDoneYet
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Re: One year on the sadness and the stress.

Mate

2 things.

The only way to get started with the rest of your life is to get up off your @ss and do it. Only you can do this. There is no magic formula, no magic wand nothing. Get up and do it.

Second. There may well be other chapters to play out but really ralf? Are you just going to sit in misery until 'something' happens? That makes no sense at all. It's been a year mate and since I came here in November you haven't moved an inch.

We are not saying give up. Moving on isn't giving up. Moving on is moving on. So start movingon
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Old 10th July 2015, 02:11 PM   #23
ralfgarnett
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Re: One year on the sadness and the stress.

Aye up me old China, I'm not sitting waiting for something to happen I really honestly truly don't know what to or how to do it, apart from work and other obvious things we did almost everything together, we spent evenings and weekends together, and went on holiday and took days out together, I used to go out with the lads once or twice a month or so, I may of said this before but not only have I lost my wife I have lost my very best friend in the entire world, we were almost inseperable and now that she has gone I feel so lost without her I never expected us to be parted until one of us died, that is how much faith I had in her to always be around to be my wife and best friend, we could tell each other anything and trusted each other totally I invested my life in to our marriage and now that it's over I just don't know what to do without her, I also don't know what moving on means and I have said that more than once
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Old 10th July 2015, 02:29 PM   #24
notDoneYet
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Re: One year on the sadness and the stress.

Moving on simply means moving on with your life. You're stuck in the same place.

If you don't know how to kick start your life then why not look into meetup? I think I've mentioned that before. Or volunteer somewhere or see if your church has group activities that you may be interested in. Take up a hobby and do all the other things that people have suggested on this thread.

Once you take the first step you will begin to realise that it does get easier.
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Old 10th July 2015, 02:52 PM   #25
ralfgarnett
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Re: One year on the sadness and the stress.

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Originally Posted by notDoneYet View Post
Moving on simply means moving on with your life. You're stuck in the same place.

If you don't know how to kick start your life then why not look into meetup? I think I've mentioned that before. Or volunteer somewhere or see if your church has group activities that you may be interested in. Take up a hobby and do all the other things that people have suggested on this thread.

Once you take the first step you will begin to realise that it does get easier.
Already done the meet up thing a few times met a really tasty Mexican girl wow she was hot, with regards hobbies i've thought about this but I honestly don't know what I want to do, I used to be a very good crown green bowler and I had hoped to pick that up this spring but my knee bloke at the hospital advised me against it as it could make it even worse, bit of a bummer really I was looking forward to that, with regards church well at the moment I am not going near for obvious reasosn but as chosen has rightly pointed out our church is pretty boring and there s not a lot going on, I'm sure something will pop up out of the blue I just don't know what.
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Old 10th July 2015, 02:58 PM   #26
notDoneYet
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Re: One year on the sadness and the stress.

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Originally Posted by ralfgarnett View Post
Already done the meet up thing a few times met a really tasty Mexican girl wow she was hot, with regards hobbies i've thought about this but I honestly don't know what I want to do, I used to be a very good crown green bowler and I had hoped to pick that up this spring but my knee bloke at the hospital advised me against it as it could make it even worse, bit of a bummer really I was looking forward to that, with regards church well at the moment I am not going near for obvious reasosn but as chosen has rightly pointed out our church is pretty boring and there s not a lot going on, I'm sure something will pop up out of the blue I just don't know what.
There's a million things you could try if you just put your mind to it. Meet up isn't just about meeting people it's also about trying new things. You said you like cooking? Why not go to a cookery class, or learn a new skill. Go to evening classes at a local college? Learn the guitar, join a darts team. I could go on...
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Old 10th July 2015, 03:25 PM   #27
ralfgarnett
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Re: One year on the sadness and the stress.

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There's a million things you could try if you just put your mind to it. Meet up isn't just about meeting people it's also about trying new things. You said you like cooking? Why not go to a cookery class, or learn a new skill. Go to evening classes at a local college? Learn the guitar, join a darts team. I could go on...
Bon après midi mon ami, evening classes is a good idea, and I used to be a fair darts player until I got Arthur in my right hand now I couldn't hit a barn door at 3 feet, I will find something to do I have to, me and my mate said last week that we both need to find something to make life a bit more enjoyable, I am touched and really appreciate you looking out for me, your son, your family, and your mates are all extremely lucky to have such a great bloke as you in their lives, you WW must be barmy to want you out of her life, she could live to be 150 and never find a bloke like you, thank you for everything.
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Old 10th July 2015, 03:26 PM   #28
chosen
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Re: One year on the sadness and the stress.

Once you have heard her say no, whether by email or in person, you will have to accept that. Please just ask her, either make a day and time or email her or write to her. The thing is that as far as she is concerned she told you she wasnt coming back, and I suppose she expects you to accepts her decision.Maybe she doesnt want to meet because she doesnt want any pressure put on her or to have to justify what she has done.
Ralf even if she had stayed at some point either you or she would have had to deal with losing the other, even it was by death, everyone does unless they die first.
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Old 10th July 2015, 04:12 PM   #29
ralfgarnett
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Re: One year on the sadness and the stress.

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Once you have heard her say no, whether by email or in person, you will have to accept that. Please just ask her, either make a day and time or email her or write to her. The thing is that as far as she is concerned she told you she wasnt coming back, and I suppose she expects you to accepts her decision.Maybe she doesnt want to meet because she doesnt want any pressure put on her or to have to justify what she has done.
Ralf even if she had stayed at some point either you or she would have had to deal with losing the other, even it was by death, everyone does unless they die first.
I know but least we could of had another 30/40 years left together to enjoy our lives, but I'm not going to email the question it would be too easy for her to just type in "no" then press send , I am only going to ask her when I see her, we have to see each other eventually she can't keep her head stuck in the ground for ever and she can't avoid me forever, eventually she is going to have to see me face to face, for example how is she supposed to pick up all her stuff, but I'm b-ggered if I'm packing it all up and getting it up to her hell will freeze over before I do that, "and the beat goes on just like my love ever lasting", why should I make life easy for her ? she hasn't exactly been making my life very easy of late, for want of a better description she is going to have to grow a pair and face me, she didn't even have the guts to tell she wasn't coming home, I got a voicemail message in which she admitted she was being a coward, that was followed by a text telling me that she had e-mailed me, that's a nice way to treat someone that you profess to love all the world ?, which is one of the reasons I'm not going to mail her she did it once I'm not letting her do it to me again.

Last edited by ralfgarnett; 10th July 2015 at 04:17 PM.
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Old 10th July 2015, 05:12 PM   #30
chosen
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Re: One year on the sadness and the stress.

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I know but least we could of had another 30/40 years left together to enjoy our lives, but I'm not going to email the question it would be too easy for her to just type in "no" then press send , I am only going to ask her when I see her, we have to see each other eventually she can't keep her head stuck in the ground for ever and she can't avoid me forever, eventually she is going to have to see me face to face, for example how is she supposed to pick up all her stuff, but I'm b-ggered if I'm packing it all up and getting it up to her hell will freeze over before I do that, "and the beat goes on just like my love ever lasting", why should I make life easy for her ? she hasn't exactly been making my life very easy of late, for want of a better description she is going to have to grow a pair and face me, she didn't even have the guts to tell she wasn't coming home, I got a voicemail message in which she admitted she was being a coward, that was followed by a text telling me that she had e-mailed me, that's a nice way to treat someone that you profess to love all the world ?, which is one of the reasons I'm not going to mail her she did it once I'm not letting her do it to me again.
I still think you are avoiding the truth. Suggest a day and time and see what she says.
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