Sexless marriage

I'm sorry in advance this is gonna be quite long but I need to get my story out there, it's killing me to keep it bottled in.

Hi I'm Jay, I am 27 and have been married to my wife Jennifer, who turns 30 this year, for 6 years and we have been together for 9 years. When we first started dating we would have sex almost everyday and some days more than once, this lasted for 6 to 8 months and then things slowed down to 2 or 3 times a week (which was perfectly fine with me I was completely satisfied). That lasted until my son was born about 4 years into our relationship and a year after we got married.

When my son was born we didn't have sex for 3 months after he was born, which was completely understandable and I didnt question it. Once we started having sex again it was only about 1-2 times a month and my wife all of a sudden hated foreplay, we couldn't do anything other than me lay down and she get on top of me for 5 mins and then roll over and pretend it didn't happen I wasn't allowed to initiate anything and I wasnt allowed to touch her vagina and she didn't like to touch my penis at all. 9 time out of 10 I could tell that she was just doing it to get me to stop complaining about not having sex in a while. So for the most part this is still our sex life today.

It got even worse when my daughter was born 3 years ago, it got so bad that I got jealous of my kids because I saw them as compatition. This lead to me and my wife getting separated and almost divorced last year. We were separated for about 6 months and during the first 1 month we were separated she slept with 4 different guys (which still bothers me because lack of sex was the only thing in our marriage that was the problem, we hardly argued about anything else).

So about 2 months into the separation she started seriously dating another guy for about 4 months on and off and even moved in with him for a few months. We started talking again and decided that we wanted to try and save our marriage, but I could tell that something was up. During this first month back together her ex boyfriend would text me and tell me that he was still ****ing her and that he had evidence I confronted my wife and she said he was lying and he was just jealous. Well it turned out that he wasn't lying and she had been sneaking up to go **** him a couple times a week. (The text messages that he sent me describing what they were doing behind my back were quite vivid and in great detail so those images are burnt into my mind forever).

After hearing that I broke things off and for about 6-8 weeks I didn't have any contact with her even about our kids, during this time she moved in with her parents and completly got rid of her ex boyfriend. So 8 weeks later she comes back to me begging to get back together saying that she made this biggest mistake of her life and so on. So I agreed to try things again she is the love of my life and the mother of my kids after all lol, some of the terms of getting back together was that I had all of her passwords and could check any and all of her content in her phone she also carried around a GPS with her so I could check where she was at any time. Also during this time our sex life was back to what it was complete foreplay sex anytime I wanted and for the first time in years I was completely sexually satisfied.

This lasted for about 4-5 months and then slowly started to decrease until the point we are today where it is back to 1 a month and absolutely zero foreplay, thus has been going on for about the past 6 months.

I don't know what to do I am so frustrated and I keep thinking back to her cheating on me and visions of the details float around my head all day. I also think we'll if I left her she would be sleeping with 3-4 different guys within a month of us breaking up yet if we stayed together she wont be able to sleep withe at all during that time frame. I don't know if I'm being unreasonable or demanding but I'm going out of my mind, and lately I have been seriously thinking about finding someone I can **** on the side and just be happy in a platonic relationship with my wife. She makes it worse by always walking around in just panties and a shirt to bra all the time when we are at home. Most of the time her panties move to the side so I'm always catching a peek of her vagina or she has a massive wedge and I can see all over her beautiful butt. I know she doesn't do this on purpose she is just trying to be comfortable, but it makes me walk around with a constant erections when I'm home.

I know the number one response I'm going to get it just get a divorce and get it over with, but I truly do love her and sex is the only thing that we ever fight over we have the same background growing up, we have the same religious beliefs and the same parenting beliefs and sex is really the only thing that we fight about. We have been going to counsling ever since we got back together after separating and it helps once in a while but for the most part it hasn't been successful I always try to talk to her about my feeling about sex but she just shuts down. I'm just lost and need some advice, am I being childish or should I go out and seek my desires outside the marriage. Again sorry for such a long post but it already feel a little better getting it all out there.

[Raymond]

You have a problem there. She likes sex and was willing to commit adultery for it but why not with you? If she has gone back to how she was are you absolutely certain that she is not seeing someone on the side like before?

I think it is unhealthy for a marriage to not enjoy sex with your husband. I think she needs counseling about her duties as a wife. If you are christians then the scripture says that the wife's body belongs to the husband and the husband's body belongs to the wife (nobody else) and not to defraud one another in this (1 Cor 7:4/5). If she is truly religious then she needs to put her money where her mouth is and live by the scripture. It might be a good idea to get counseling from your pastor or similar. I am wondering if her fantasies go outside of the marriage which would be very wrong.

I am definitely aware that there is a problem lol. Also I still have have the ability to check her phone and she still carries the GPS so I still check it from time to time, so I know that she is definitely not having another affair. She still seems really remorseful about her actions in the past, she just claims that she is no longer needs sex and that she could live without it. We attend both couples and sex therapy and she attends individual therapy for herself since we have been back together and nothing has helped. I shouldn't say that it hasn't helped at all once in a while the therapist will suggest something and we will try it one or twice and I think things are starting to get better and then things just go back to the way things were of no sex, no foreplay, or any intimacy whatsoever.

Although we are both Catholics and religious, I know quoting the bible about having her giving her body to me anytime, really would not fly. I'm just so frustrated because I really don't want to get a divorce or go outside of my marriage for sexual satisfaction, I just don't know what to do I'm really frustrated.

[Raymond]

Sorry I thought you were christians who would be reading and believing the bible.

One cannot keep a marriage going if there is no proper sex. I know it will take effort from her in the position she has got herself in but just stopping sex doesn't help a marriage as the intimacy is partly what holds things together. The answer will maybe be getting her to see that.

If she knows how frustrated you are with it all and still persists does she know how detrimental this is to her marriage?

[chosen]

To be honest a woman who cheats 5 times in a couple of months while still married has a strange idea of God and religion. God says no sex before marriage, and only sex with your spouse after marriage. If she isnt gong to be faithful and is happy to have affairs while depriving you of sex, then I cant see its going to work. You may need to concentrate on being a good dad to your poor kids and and accept that you have married a very immoral lady who cant be trusted, and move on. I dont say that lightly, but 4 affairs already and those are the ones you know about. What a kick in the teeth, no sex for you her husband, but happy to sleep with any other man or men who come along. Good grief.

[ralfgarnett]

You are being conned my friend, she has the morals of a sewer rat and is wrapping you round her little finger, she is nothing more than a 2nd hand pin cushion, bail out when you can and get yourself tested for HIV.

[chosen]

Originally Posted by ralfgarnett

You are being conned my friend, she has the morals of a sewer rat and is wrapping you round her little finger, she is nothing more than a 2nd hand pin cushion, bail out when you can and get yourself tested for HIV.

and STD's. They are rife.

[ralfgarnett]

Originally Posted by chosen

and STD's. They are rife.

Yes those too and anything else you might need testing for, hepatitis is another one, what a horrible situation you find yourself in my friend, I really feel for you, but just one thing to take in to consideration is that if it all comes to an end you are young enough to start again, I didn't meet my wife until I was 30 and didn't get married until I was 32, so that is a major positive for you although right now you maybe can't see it right now.