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Old 10th August 2015, 12:09 PM   #1
PaleoMan
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Great Kids/Horrific Marriage: Help??

Hi all

I am at my wits end.

I got married 10 years ago shortly after a particularly bad point in my life where there addiction issues and i had just lost a loved one and was at a VERY low point in life.

It was never 'perfect', starting from the wedding night (she went beserk when drunk as didn't think i was paying her enough attention), and then after 3 years of being steadfastily embarrassed (think turning up at friends/pub/party etc) and demanding i come home which all came together at a family do when in front of everyone she demanded i leave (it was new years) and i drunkenly lashed out (hitting her. for what i am eternally ashamed of). Utterly mortifed i then gave up drink for 5 years (not one sip) however she incessantly kept on at me to start again (got called boring, berated me etc) until i started again.

in this period we have had 3 wonderful children who are 2, 5 and 7 however the relationship has deteriorated to the point where i am being subjected to this (and please, please, please do not think this is a joke, windup or exaggeration.

problems:
  • Constantly berates me for being on my mobile phone (often whilst on hers herself) when she lives on hers
  • Gives me utter grief when arranging to go out with friends, resulting in no friends and going out about 3 x in 5 years and yet expects to go out with impunity several nights a week and for me to play taxi (and fund it)
  • Gives grief about hobbies (working out and then darts) to the point of having to quit them (when she goes to slimming world and GYM)
  • Governs what I spend money on, even though I am the sole breadwinner (resulting in a maximum monthly spend on oneself of £20 out of 2k) when she can spend on what she likes
  • Checks my mobile phone constantly (and if she’s found anything she’s not happy with then smashes it up – even though it is totally innocent)
  • Check my bank account constantly (and if I do storm out, transfers all money out of my account to leave me with no money to take care of myself)
  • Everything I do is considered childish and immature (working out, video games)
  • Constantly uses hurtful and insulting words at me.
  • Has ruined my relationship with my daughter (threatened to tell her I’m not her dad, is mean and vile to her when she sees her)
  • Dictates what I can/can’t wear (even down to the colour)
  • Has physically attacked and her me and least 10 times in last 3 years
  • Has lost 2 friends in last 2 years through getting drunk and violent
  • Constantly puts her older children (not mine) over our ones.
  • Completely discredits me with her oldest children by going against my wishes and letting them have and do things I am not happy about (the 17 yr old having his girlfriend stay over, number of teenagers in house, failure to do basic chores or even respect the family home)
  • Threatens to kick me out of the family home at least weekly (even though I am the mortgage payer and paid the deposit)
  • Has said that if I leave her she will come out with horrific lies about me and cause me to lose my job
  • Gives me no credit for having taken her on when she was a single mother with 2 children and debt/struggling to make ends meet and instead will scream blue murder that her life was 1000% better before we got together
  • In last 5 years I have had 2 promotions, passed driving test, got the mortgage, cleared all debts and paid for both a loft conversion, house totally redecorated and 2 foreign holidays and yet get called a useless c**t at every turn!

I get phoned up and abusive emails, txts at work, and i dread going home (i have bought flowers and chocolates) and arrived home only to give them and get met with a hale of abuse (without getting my jacket off)

I have done everything i can however i am at my wits end. It has even got so bad that when drunk i have taken to running off and sleeping in the car or on a park bench, just to escape (only to have to come home, tail between legs and get a scolding).

I don't know what to do. i have no friends, no family, no where to go and i cant afford to pay the mortgage and get myself even a sh*tty bedsit (unless i'm prepared to starve)

she wont listen to reason, and her answer is

"if you dont like it leave.....................and then i'll destroy you"

and she would. Rather helpfully she and her family never told me about her "ahem" past before we got together. Namely her past marriage (he had to get a restraining order due to her attacking him with a weapon), and her history of violence and behaviour (they are a great help, there answer is "you married her")

Genuinely i have never felt so alone, vulnerable, and afraid and this is from a 40 yr old man who genuinely has always been able to look after himself.

I'm not usually the kind of person to go on forums, or even talk about this, neither do i have any idea whatsoever what i expect to get out of it?

I am hardworking and i worship my kids (the thought of not seeing them daily kills me, as does how they'd feel if i wasn't there).

sat in the car waiting to start work i actually cried today!
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Old 10th August 2015, 01:02 PM   #2
ralfgarnett
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Re: Great Kids/Horrific Marriage: Help??

Crikey, I was feeling low in mood until I read your post, I am going to keep this brief because there are plenty of better qualified people than me that can offer you advice, but I will say this, your relationship is poisonous and toxic, you have both been violent and abusive to each other, that my friend is totally unacceptable and is most certainly not the way to behave, you are both at fault and it sounds to me that you should not be any where near each other, one of you is going to get seriously hurt or even worse, have you considered what this powder keg of emotional and physical abuse might be doing to the children ?, one day they are going to grow up and form proper relationships themselves, what kind of role models are you both ?, sorry mate I know it's a bad situation but you really shouldn't be around each other either now or any time soon or even at all, two wrongs don't make a right, but good luck keep posting.

Last edited by ralfgarnett; 10th August 2015 at 01:16 PM.
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Old 10th August 2015, 01:44 PM   #3
chosen
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Re: Great Kids/Horrific Marriage: Help??

Sadly you have married a horrible abusive controlling and manipulative lady, and I cant see any option to this awful toxic marriage than for you to separate. Is she as bad as this to the children? Does she physically or emotionally abuse them?

MY advise would be to

1) See a solicitor and get legal advise, tell him everything and ask him about fighting for full custody, those children need to be be out of there. Its good that she is known to the police for violence, because that will help your case.
2) keep a detailed record of everything she does or says that is abusive towards you and the children from today.

The very sad thing is that you kept on having children despite her awful behaviour and you seem to also have children from before who are also suffering. They are suffering now and will suffer more if you separate because she will try and make your life hell, hence needing legal advise.

I honestly dont think its even worth getting counseling, she is far too bad for that to make any difference.
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Old 11th August 2015, 04:58 AM   #4
Lindentree1
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Re: Great Kids/Horrific Marriage: Help??

I agree with Chosen. You need to see a lawyer and tell everything. You need an action plan. She is abusing you. There has to be a way to handle this. Your situation is intolerable.
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Old 11th August 2015, 05:09 PM   #5
notDoneYet
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Re: Great Kids/Horrific Marriage: Help??

Get a lawyer and get out of there. Mate, that's simply abusive and toxic. Take notes, dates time , keep emails and txt and show them to the L.

You cannot continue to live like that. Protect yourself and the kids.
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Old 11th August 2015, 06:58 PM   #6
ralfgarnett
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Re: Great Kids/Horrific Marriage: Help??

Quote:
Originally Posted by notDoneYet View Post
Get a lawyer and get out of there. Mate, that's simply abusive and toxic. Take notes, dates time , keep emails and txt and show them to the L.

You cannot continue to live like that. Protect yourself and the kids.
Sorry not being self righteous or sanctimonious here, I know he is having a tough time but am I the only one to notice that he took a swing at her too ?, I know he regrets it and yes she sounds like a right piece of work, but sorry but that's a total no no in my book regardless of male on female or vice versa, and before anyone says he was provoked, there is no excuse for it regardless.
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Old 11th August 2015, 07:05 PM   #7
Lindentree1
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Re: Great Kids/Horrific Marriage: Help??

Quote:
Originally Posted by ralfgarnett View Post
Sorry not being self righteous or sanctimonious here, I know he is having a tough time but am I the only one to notice that he took a swing at her too ?, I know he regrets it and yes she sounds like a right piece of work, but sorry but that's a total no no in my book regardless of male on female or vice versa, and before anyone says he was provoked, there is no excuse for it regardless.
You're right, there is no excuse to put your hands on a spouse. It's horrific. But while he seems to have learned from and not repeat his behavior, she is mentally torturing him every single day. Both are wrong, but for his own sake and the kids, he should see a lawyer and see what his options are. He sounds like he feels trapped.
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Old 11th August 2015, 07:41 PM   #8
ralfgarnett
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Re: Great Kids/Horrific Marriage: Help??

Quote:
Originally Posted by Lindentree1 View Post
You're right, there is no excuse to put your hands on a spouse. It's horrific. But while he seems to have learned from and not repeat his behavior, she is mentally torturing him every single day. Both are wrong, but for his own sake and the kids, he should see a lawyer and see what his options are. He sounds like he feels trapped.
They both sound trapped in a horrible toxic environment, the sooner they part the better for all involved.
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Old 11th August 2015, 09:15 PM   #9
chosen
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Re: Great Kids/Horrific Marriage: Help??

Quote:
Originally Posted by ralfgarnett View Post
Sorry not being self righteous or sanctimonious here, I know he is having a tough time but am I the only one to notice that he took a swing at her too ?, I know he regrets it and yes she sounds like a right piece of work, but sorry but that's a total no no in my book regardless of male on female or vice versa, and before anyone says he was provoked, there is no excuse for it regardless.
a man cant only take so much abuse till he snaps.
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Old 11th August 2015, 09:31 PM   #10
ralfgarnett
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Re: Great Kids/Horrific Marriage: Help??

Quote:
Originally Posted by chosen View Post
a man cant only take so much abuse till he snaps.
None the less, lashing out under the influence is not acceptable male or female, violence is not the answer to anything.
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Old 12th August 2015, 05:23 AM   #11
chosen
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Re: Great Kids/Horrific Marriage: Help??

Quote:
Originally Posted by ralfgarnett View Post
None the less, lashing out under the influence is not acceptable male or female, violence is not the answer to anything.
I agree, but when a man hits a lady its no worse that when she hits him. IT seems she does this a lot.
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Old 12th August 2015, 09:16 AM   #12
ralfgarnett
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Re: Great Kids/Horrific Marriage: Help??

Quote:
Originally Posted by chosen View Post
I agree, but when a man hits a lady its no worse that when she hits him. IT seems she does this a lot.
Agreed but 2 wrongs don't make a right, the sooner they part the better for both spouses and of course the children.
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Old 12th August 2015, 10:19 AM   #13
chosen
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Re: Great Kids/Horrific Marriage: Help??

Quote:
Originally Posted by ralfgarnett View Post
Agreed but 2 wrongs don't make a right, the sooner they part the better for both spouses and of course the children.
Yes because they will grow up to be the same if thats all they know, and this lady sounds like a nightmare which is why I advised him to get legal advise about getting full custody of the children.
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