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Old 20th March 2015, 07:10 PM   #46
notDoneYet
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Re: Oh no...oh no...

Quote:
Originally Posted by Lindentree1 View Post
Thanks, NDY. Some of the things he said in the email and on the phone yesterday were cruel. I found myself being cruel right back. I was at my worst yesterday, ugh. But I sincerely hope the best is yet to come and I wish the same for you. You deserve it.
Hey LDT. Thanks for being so kind. I think everyone on here deserve better but hey, here we are. Some of the things my WW has said to me over the last few months would shock a sailor.

I'm going to do you a bit of a favour here, and I'm not going to sugar coat it. First, the good news. Don't believe a word a WAS says. Seriously they are not being logical and they are running on emotion. Now for the bad news. It'll get worse. He will say things that are intended to hurt your feelings. You mentioned karma earlier? So here is his karma. Now that you know not to believe a word he says then don't. Don't point this out to him, just rise above it. As far as he's concerned you are not bothered. Couldn't care less. Trust me this will get to him. Can I ask, is there someone else involved? Think carefully before you answer. Before BD day I suspected something was going on. I talked myself out of it. In fact, if you read my early posts I had convinced myself the OM was out of the way. I was wrong. So do you suspect anything? Be honest with yourself because dealing with a WH is very different.
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Old 20th March 2015, 07:15 PM   #47
notDoneYet
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Re: Oh no...oh no...

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Originally Posted by Lindentree1 View Post
I have to accept that he doesn't love me. If he truly loved me, he would be here now. Of course, he told me twice yesterday he that didn't love me. I need to get that through my head. I can't stop thinking about how it used to be. I was so convinced I was loved. This is still so hard to believe. : (

He also said yesterday--"I can't deny my hopes." I feel like he may have been talking about children. I think the next wife is going to be one who can give him children. It's a bitter pill to swallow. I would have loved to have a child with him. But, again, if he really loved me, there could be no reason for him to leave.

I'm just so sad about all this.

I'm not perfect and he leaves. There was a lot of pressure on me to be perfect. I always felt I could never live up to his standards. I always felt like I fell short. Now the only standards I have to live up to are my own.
Perfect? What's perfect? Thats not what love is. If someone can't love you for being who you are then they are not worthy of your affections. Simple as.
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Old 20th March 2015, 07:18 PM   #48
Lindentree1
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Re: Oh no...oh no...

No, but I believe he is ready to start dating and move on with his life. I believe he wants the children I could not give him(hopefully I'm not getting too personal here). Ouch. I don't believe there is anyone else at this time because of what he has said and I know how hard he works and the long hours he has. But it sounded like he was ready to move on yesterday. Just not with me.

He's made it clear he doesn't want me.

Whatever he says, true or not, I have to work on me and take care of myself. That's all I can do at this time. I don't have any hope left, though. No hope at all.
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Old 20th March 2015, 07:21 PM   #49
Lindentree1
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Re: Oh no...oh no...

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Originally Posted by notDoneYet View Post
Perfect? What's perfect? Thats not what love is. If someone can't love you for being who you are then they are not worthy of your affections. Simple as.
Yes, I'm really tired of not feeling I'm enough for him. You're right, how is that love? I always accepted him and encouraged his dreams. I never made him feel my love was conditional. I can't say he did the same for me...
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Old 20th March 2015, 07:25 PM   #50
notDoneYet
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Re: Oh no...oh no...

Quote:
Originally Posted by Lindentree1 View Post
No, but I believe he is ready to start dating and move on with his life. I believe he wants the children I could not give him(hopefully I'm not getting too personal here). Ouch. I don't believe there is anyone else at this time because of what he has said and I know how hard he works and the long hours he has. But it sounded like he was ready to move on yesterday. Just not with me.

He's made it clear he doesn't want me.

Whatever he says, true or not, I have to work on me and take care of myself. That's all I can do at this time. I don't have any hope left, though. No hope at all.
Two things here. If you are convinced there is nobody else then I won't push it. Looking after yourself is important. Please do this.

Oh, and letting go is important. This is your best policy and please, please do not blame yourself. You are not to blame.
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Old 20th March 2015, 07:33 PM   #51
Lindentree1
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Re: Oh no...oh no...

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Originally Posted by notDoneYet View Post
Two things here. If you are convinced there is nobody else then I won't push it. Looking after yourself is important. Please do this.

Oh, and letting go is important. This is your best policy and please, please do not blame yourself. You are not to blame.
I feel like a failure. I failed at marriage. I couldn't keep it all together. It does feel like my fault. Do people call divorce a "failed marriage" where you are like they do here? Divorce is seen as failure here. If you didn't walk away, how are you the failure?
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Old 20th March 2015, 08:04 PM   #52
notDoneYet
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Re: Oh no...oh no...

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Originally Posted by Lindentree1 View Post
I feel like a failure. I failed at marriage. I couldn't keep it all together. It does feel like my fault. Do people call divorce a "failed marriage" where you are like they do here? Divorce is seen as failure here. If you didn't walk away, how are you the failure?
You are not a failure. Yes, we say the same here but it doesn't carry as much stigma as it used to. Remember, you aren't the one that walked away. You didn't cause this. And please, do not be a victim. Rise above it.
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Old 20th March 2015, 08:14 PM   #53
Lindentree1
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Re: Oh no...oh no...

I don't mean to sound like a victim-- really, I don't. Just still a bit shocked I was told I maybe still had a chance Sunday and then get my hopes dashed yesterday. It's a lot to take. If he had been consistent in his position I would be in a better place now. I'll be okay eventually. We all will. I need to accept what is. Looking back doesn't help me. This situation has eroded my faith in myself. Hopefully I will find that again. I know it's something only I can give me.
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Old 20th March 2015, 08:19 PM   #54
notDoneYet
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Re: Oh no...oh no...

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Originally Posted by Lindentree1 View Post
I don't mean to sound like a victim-- really, I don't. Just still a bit shocked I was told I maybe still had a chance Sunday and then get my hopes dashed yesterday. It's a lot to take. If he had been consistent in his position I would be in a better place now. I'll be okay eventually. We all will. I need to accept what is. Looking back doesn't help me. This situation has eroded my faith in myself. Hopefully I will find that again. I know it's something only I can give me.
Consistency isn't something you should expect from him for quite a bit of time. My WW is all over the place right now. She makes a decision then the next day changes her mind. Sometimes I find it hard to keep up.
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Old 20th March 2015, 09:58 PM   #55
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Re: Oh no...oh no...

You are absolutely right. Ending a marriage via an email is indeed incredibly cowardly, not to mention immensely disrespectful. As you pointed out his cowardice, it wouldn't be far fetched to assume that maybe he already knew his decision all along, and didn't say so because either he was too scared to or for selfish reasons wasn't quite certain he wanted to 'drop' you just yet.
Either way, you have not failed. He did. He failed as a husband and he failed to honour vows he had made to you.

A lot of marriages can be worked on and a reconcilement can happen.. But then, a lot of marriages come to an end. Nobody knows the true dynamics of a marriage other than the two people within it. But it's only all too common that the spouse who was not the one who chose to end the marriage and wanted to fight for it ends up feeling like a worthless failure.

It's a hit to your self esteem, that's absolutely understandable, but you are neither worthless nor a failure. You know the truth now. So perhaps with a definite answer, you can start to rebuild your life as an individual and move forward. Work on your self, your esteem, the way you view your life and all it involves. Let him move on and do whatever he wishes, you are NOT worthless, therefore you can do the same. Don't call him or write to him begging for anything, let him see that you have accepted his decision. Often times that is when the spouse who chose to end the marriage starts to have thoughts creeping into their head, the main one being 'wow she really can survive without me' (even if you feel you can't) and they don't like that.

You are no longer dangling on a string, worrying and wondering what will be. You have an answer.. Make the best of it as positively as you can, take it day by day, some will be harder than others. Most importantly don't sink into a pit thinking you have failed, or that you were never 'good enough', eventually down the line when you are healing and you see things in hindsight, you will know this was never the case.
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Old 20th March 2015, 10:20 PM   #56
Lindentree1
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Unhappy Re: Oh no...oh no...

Quote:
Originally Posted by StarryD View Post
You are absolutely right. Ending a marriage via an email is indeed incredibly cowardly, not to mention immensely disrespectful. As you pointed out his cowardice, it wouldn't be far fetched to assume that maybe he already knew his decision all along, and didn't say so because either he was too scared to or for selfish reasons wasn't quite certain he wanted to 'drop' you just yet.
Either way, you have not failed. He did. He failed as a husband and he failed to honour vows he had made to you.

A lot of marriages can be worked on and a reconcilement can happen.. But then, a lot of marriages come to an end. Nobody knows the true dynamics of a marriage other than the two people within it. But it's only all too common that the spouse who was not the one who chose to end the marriage and wanted to fight for it ends up feeling like a worthless failure.

It's a hit to your self esteem, that's absolutely understandable, but you are neither worthless nor a failure. You know the truth now. So perhaps with a definite answer, you can start to rebuild your life as an individual and move forward. Work on your self, your esteem, the way you view your life and all it involves. Let him move on and do whatever he wishes, you are NOT worthless, therefore you can do the same. Don't call him or write to him begging for anything, let him see that you have accepted his decision. Often times that is when the spouse who chose to end the marriage starts to have thoughts creeping into their head, the main one being 'wow she really can survive without me' (even if you feel you can't) and they don't like that.

You are no longer dangling on a string, worrying and wondering what will be. You have an answer.. Make the best of it as positively as you can, take it day by day, some will be harder than others. Most importantly don't sink into a pit thinking you have failed, or that you were never 'good enough', eventually down the line when you are healing and you see things in hindsight, you will know this was never the case.
Thank you. I really appreciate your comment. Today is one of those hard days you mentioned. I'm trying to get though it--taking my dog for long walks, reading.

The word disrespectful keeps coming up to describe him on this forum. It's true, and painful. After 15 years he doesn't respect me enough to end the marriage for good to my face. After stringing me along for 4 months.

I know logically he's the one who failed, but I keep wanting to blame myself. "If I had done this or that..." If if if.

It hurts to be rejected. It's hard to believe there will be a day this doesn't hurt. I know I have to hang on. I hope I don't sound too pathetic but I know this is going to take time.
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Old 20th March 2015, 11:30 PM   #57
notDoneYet
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Re: Oh no...oh no...

Quote:
Originally Posted by StarryD View Post
You are absolutely right. Ending a marriage via an email is indeed incredibly cowardly, not to mention immensely disrespectful. As you pointed out his cowardice, it wouldn't be far fetched to assume that maybe he already knew his decision all along, and didn't say so because either he was too scared to or for selfish reasons wasn't quite certain he wanted to 'drop' you just yet.
Either way, you have not failed. He did. He failed as a husband and he failed to honour vows he had made to you.

A lot of marriages can be worked on and a reconcilement can happen.. But then, a lot of marriages come to an end. Nobody knows the true dynamics of a marriage other than the two people within it. But it's only all too common that the spouse who was not the one who chose to end the marriage and wanted to fight for it ends up feeling like a worthless failure.

It's a hit to your self esteem, that's absolutely understandable, but you are neither worthless nor a failure. You know the truth now. So perhaps with a definite answer, you can start to rebuild your life as an individual and move forward. Work on your self, your esteem, the way you view your life and all it involves. Let him move on and do whatever he wishes, you are NOT worthless, therefore you can do the same. Don't call him or write to him begging for anything, let him see that you have accepted his decision. Often times that is when the spouse who chose to end the marriage starts to have thoughts creeping into their head, the main one being 'wow she really can survive without me' (even if you feel you can't) and they don't like that.

You are no longer dangling on a string, worrying and wondering what will be. You have an answer.. Make the best of it as positively as you can, take it day by day, some will be harder than others. Most importantly don't sink into a pit thinking you have failed, or that you were never 'good enough', eventually down the line when you are healing and you see things in hindsight, you will know this was never the case.
Wow, just wow. Starry, you are the bomb.
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Old 21st March 2015, 11:44 AM   #58
ralfgarnett
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Re: Oh no...oh no...

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Originally Posted by Lindentree1 View Post
Thank you. I really appreciate your comment. Today is one of those hard days you mentioned. I'm trying to get though it--taking my dog for long walks, reading.

The word disrespectful keeps coming up to describe him on this forum. It's true, and painful. After 15 years he doesn't respect me enough to end the marriage for good to my face. After stringing me along for 4 months.

I know logically he's the one who failed, but I keep wanting to blame myself. "If I had done this or that..." If if if.

It hurts to be rejected. It's hard to believe there will be a day this doesn't hurt. I know I have to hang on. I hope I don't sound too pathetic but I know this is going to take time.
I understand and empathise with this 100% as I felt / still feel exactly the same, I keep thinking what if ? I also feel a failure so LDT you are not alone these are perfectly normal thoughts and emotions so don't feel bad about them, as with so many of us on here you have done nothing wrong they are the ones that are wrong and they are the disrespectful fools that have failed not us we are still here still the same still functioning.
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Old 21st March 2015, 02:56 PM   #59
Lindentree1
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Re: Oh no...oh no...

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Originally Posted by ralfgarnett View Post
I understand and empathise with this 100% as I felt / still feel exactly the same, I keep thinking what if ? I also feel a failure so LDT you are not alone these are perfectly normal thoughts and emotions so don't feel bad about them, as with so many of us on here you have done nothing wrong they are the ones that are wrong and they are the disrespectful fools that have failed not us we are still here still the same still functioning.
Yes, Ralf. You're not a failure. You kept your vows, always loved her, still do, you've reached out to her in love, you've also given her time and space. You have done everything you can. How can you be a failure?

You didn't walk away. And you're still taking care of yourself, even in the hard days. Nothing about you says failure.
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Old 21st March 2015, 02:56 PM   #60
chosen
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Re: Oh no...oh no...

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Originally Posted by ralfgarnett View Post
I understand and empathise with this 100% as I felt / still feel exactly the same, I keep thinking what if ? I also feel a failure so LDT you are not alone these are perfectly normal thoughts and emotions so don't feel bad about them, as with so many of us on here you have done nothing wrong they are the ones that are wrong and they are the disrespectful fools that have failed not us we are still here still the same still functioning.
Yes I agree, my husband felt a failure because his marriage ended and because he was divorced. However I told him time and time again that it wasnt his fault that his former wife cheated or divorced him, it wasnt what he wanted, and he eventually began to realise that he had done his best, but I guess if you have been told for years that its all your fault, you begin to believe it.
Besides that, looking back achieves nothing and is pointless. We are not perfect and we never will be, and sometimes people want perfection and will never be content with what they have no matter how good that is.
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