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Old 5th August 2010, 03:56 AM   #121
mdmquincy
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Re: I want to understand

Goodness gracious, men can be such dolts. I am sorry the cycle has begun again, and I know it must confuse the mess out of you. It's certainly confusing me, and I don't have the emotional involvement.
X
J
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Old 11th August 2010, 07:30 AM   #122
UpandDown
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Re: I want to understand

Hi So Alone

Hanging out to hear how last night went! Do tell all!

I saw this posted by Luce ages ago and thought you, Wiggle and Val might appreciate it too!

http://fortysixty.invisionzone.com/i...showtopic=8947

Post soon!
Love Kathryn
x
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Old 12th August 2010, 12:56 AM   #123
So alone
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Re: I want to understand

Well it's been a little while since I have posted on here. Partly because I have been ridiculously busy, partly not knowing what on earth to write and partly feeling like it;s all pointless.

He took me out to dinner last night. Perhaps I shouldn't have let him. But it was nice, he's saying and doing all the 'right' things, like he is sorry, how much he loves me, how beautiful i am and that he wants to sort things out, but i just don't know. I don't know all this business and 'playing the game' malarky.

He went to his counselling session today (the counsellor had been on holiday hence why he couldn't go previously) He called the man yesterday and got an appt for today. The reasons for going he has repeated are because he has said he doesn't want to be repressed any more in his life. Says he want's to be different now and wants a happier and more fulfilled life, wants that also to be with me if possible too. Said he was sort of looking forward to going as he knows this is going to be the biggest change he has ever undertaken. See, he's saying everything right but i guess i am so wary that it is all a flash in the pan that I don't want to believe one jot of it.


I miss him so.

we had some cuddles and kissing (nothing else) and it has been very loving and tender - I just can't bear the thought that I will hurt again. Want to run away so much. far away.

This living apart thing doesn't sit right with me at all - i hate it all mixed in with this.
he asked that he'd like to meet up again on Monday for lunch and talk about everything so am doing that.

I'm setting myself up for a ruddy great fall yet I feel this is the path to take.


Not crying so much so guess I must be better. Just feel so numb and lost and 'don't know' Now I sound like he used to be - great.

Waste and pointless.
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Old 12th August 2010, 08:47 AM   #124
Wiggle
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Re: I want to understand

Hi SA,

I've not been posting much either, been taking some time out to reflect on things a bit and to be honest, nothing much has changed so no news!

He's saying all the right things but it's totally understandable you're wary. I've started journalling 'stuff' and that's something you might find useful -if he starts denying that he's ever said any of these things, you can look back in your journal and reassure yourself you're not going mad!

I'm glad he seems to want to change for the better, for himself as much as anything else. That's usually a good start - I just hope he sticks to it.

Living apart is hard, but it does get a little easier and given how he's behaved in the past it's probably a good thing right now? You need security and he needs to win you back.
Quote:
I'm setting myself up for a ruddy great fall yet I feel this is the path to take.

As a friend of mine said, if you don't try you might always wonder. Go with your feelings - you're the one who has to live with any regrets, nobody else.
Quote:
Just feel so numb and lost and 'don't know' Now I sound like he used to be - great.

I was saying the same thing to Kathryn last night! If he'd asked me what I wanted a month ago, it would have been to try and fix this. Now I'm the one thinking 'I don't know, I'm not sure' which has been his theme tune for the past 6 months +! I think it shows we're realising we don't need them; we'll survive without them. If we've survived the pain of all of this and got over the first, most painful period we can certainly manage the rest without them and I for one don't want to go through that first pain again. Ever, preferably. If we want to try again with them, it'll then be because we choose to, not because we need to.

Fingers crossed for you,

Axx
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Old 18th August 2010, 11:30 PM   #125
So alone
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Re: I want to understand

Can anyone recommend any good books that my H can read that might help him to refocus etc?

I have seen and spoken with him a couple of times and he keeps on saying he wants to sort things out. Says he knows he is/was not right and has treated me appallingly. He has spent many a time crying and apologising for how he has treated me. He wants to get himself sorted out he says. He wants to end his business and he knows it is worthless. Says he knows how much people have dragged him down because he has let them. Says he knows he has put all that above me and that that is wrong and damaging. He has seemed very focussed indeed with regards to changing. Has said it is not easy at all but then when he is back to being himself he would like to take me away on holiday. Says we deserve one. Saying that he wants to be the man for me. I am very very aware of all that downtown posted and I can honestly say I am very concerned as I can barely believe the way he is being but then the other part of me wants to. Maybe I am curious and want to be completely certain about things and maybe he will lead me on but I do feel I want to see - just a little. We talked about love languages and he said he had heard of this and had talked about it and so I told him what I think mine are. He has said that he knows that when I am smiling with him he feels very loved indeed.

What can he read up on that might help him feel better, more confident?

I am probably being very pathetic but I feel I owe myself the very slim chance to find out.

Last edited by So alone; 18th August 2010 at 11:40 PM.
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Old 19th August 2010, 05:48 AM   #126
dazed and confused
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Re: I want to understand

Hi So Alone

I feel if you don't try you'll always wonder what if. It will be hard because I'm sure you'll have your guard up.I'd try and find a book for you that deals with that.You could end up being so deffencive you ruin it.I know myself I worry more if I got back with Dave that I'd never trust him again.Would he have one foot out the door.I do wish you luck and I'm happy for you that he wants to try.

All My Love And Luck
Val
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Old 19th August 2010, 08:26 AM   #127
Wiggle
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Re: I want to understand

Hi SA,

I agree with Val, if you don't try you'll never know. You're not being pathetic, if anything the opposite - it takes bravery to give it another go given how much pain he's already caused you.

There's an excellent book I'm working my way through at the moment called Getting Past Your Breakup: How to Turn a Devastating Loss into the Best Thing That Ever Happened to You by Susan Elliott. Yes, it's primarily aimed at 'getting over it' but some of the stuff in there is extremely useful for dealing with past issues and increasing your confidence. There's a section on using affirmations to overwrite your 'negative tape', she explains 'Relationship inventories' which can be applied to your family as well as your partner - very relevant in his case perhaps, and 'Life inventories'. I also like the fact she doesn't rule out a reconciliation, but points out that if the relationship wasn't working before then work needs to be done before attempting it again.

Has he considered hypnotherapy? I've ordered a number of hypnotherapy CD's to do with confidence, self-esteem, excersise and improving my memory! I'll let you know how I get on with them.

My counsellors recommended these:
Reinventing Your Life: How to Break Free from Negative Life Patterns
Jeffrey E. Young, Klosko
Mind Over Mood: Change How You Feel By Changing the Way You Think by Christine A Padesky, et al.

I'd also recommend http://moodgym.anu.edu.au/welcome/new/splash which is a brilliant free on-line CBT course. Simple and clear, and you can re-visit bits at any time.

Is the counsellor private or NHS?

Fingers crossed for you,

Axx
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Old 19th August 2010, 12:50 PM   #128
Wiggle
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Re: I want to understand

Hi Sa,Came across this that discusses the link between food and mental health. I've read elsewhere that Omega-3 and fish oils have been closely linked to depression and other forms of mental health. http://health.learninginfo.org/menta...odern-diet.htm. Swallowing some cod liver oil capsules might help him, and certainly won't hurt!The other one to look into if he is depressed is St John's Wort. There are many (but not everyone) who say it's helped them a lot. Again, worth a try, but they say don't take it if you're already on anti-depressants.Axx
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Old 29th August 2010, 12:47 AM   #129
So alone
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Re: I want to understand

Hey all,

Not posted for a while - have been very very busy with my business which is a good thing as I've really thrown myself at it.

Spoke with him yesterday and he is still admitting more and more stuff about me being right about things. yesterday he came out with how much he has realised people have bullied him and that I used to tell him so often about it yet he couldn't see it. He was ok but quite down about life and a bit subdued when he was asking me how brilliantly I am getting on. I must admit I have been quite chipper and genuinely so yet he has been rather down and accepting. Still feel very very odd indeed about everything but must feel better as am not crying as much.

it's a bit late so will write tomorrow.

good night all x
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Old 30th August 2010, 12:18 AM   #130
UpandDown
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Re: I want to understand

Hi SA

Dying to know what's going on your end but I have lost my phone!! I have now also got my pain patch on so might be out of action for a day or two. However, as soon as I find my phone i'll text you.

Love Kathryn
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Old 2nd September 2010, 03:05 PM   #131
Wiggle
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Re: I want to understand

Hi SA,

How are you? Thinking of you,

Axx
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Old 2nd September 2010, 10:02 PM   #132
So alone
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Re: I want to understand

Hello,

I'm not too bad. Am very very stressed, over worked and uptight as I have a hellish weekend coming up with business. (not that I am complaining really).

Am a little worried that I am using my work and business as a distraction. Whenever I've been crying in my office I've made myself overly busy with something. I need to keep a check on that. I'm also reading the getting past your breakup book which is proving insightful.

I spoke to him yesterday and am seeing him tomorrow for a cuppa on my way down to lovely London. He was very down and admitting more things like just how poor and skint he is - so much worse than when we were together, I point out that that proves that those problems aren't me!! He didn't like that at first but then sighed and said no, you're right, that he is sorry and that he know's it is all him.

He told me he is still drinking the same quantity and feels shameful but has made a little progress as he not drinking on his own. He said he knows it's no good but can't seem to help it.
People keep hinting at him and chasing him for money that he says he simply hasn't got nor can possibly get. Says he has quite a bit of work but because he knows he is so useless at business he can't calculate anything so each job ends up costing HIM money (what a do-nut he is and how all of his 'wonderful' friends and family still cant' see him for what he is, is way beyond me)

He says he's been feeling broody, not that that would be a good idea but is still feeling it. Says he doesn't love me ( i asked him) but says it's not because he doesn't want to he says he doesn't love anyone nor anything but would very much like to. Says he has no self worth, is fat, unfit and everything feels so pointless. Says he is still going to counselling but feels even that isn't helping but making him feel even worse. I tried to be supportive and told him that often with counselling it can feel like that but it's over the weeks and months after that things start to fall into place.

Says he misses that carefree feeling of loving me - says he did marry me for good reasons!. Says he is still living with friends and they keep making hints about him moving. But as he has no money at all that he couldn't possibly afford to and feels so trapped and lost. Says he can't cope with all this pressure. Says he feels worse and worse and worse.

I feel sorry for him and that saddens me. All of this is so needless to me and I feel helpless. I know it is his mess and of his creation. I feel so sad watching his demise knowing I cannot stop it nor help him. I am worried about his mental state because he keeps saying he wants to jack everything in, run away but can't even cope with that. If I'm honest I am concerned he may do something.

What on earth do I say? Do? My heart feels full of sorrow.

Said thanks for me calling him and that he feels a bit better about things since talking to me. He seemed to perk up considerably. Says he is looking forward to seeing me on Friday and that now he has something nice to focus on. Said we could go anywhere I wanted for a nice cup of tea. I said it sounds like he needs a big hug and he sounded like he started to cry and said yes, that would be very lovely indeed.

I will fill you in on how it goes.


Thank you for thinking of me. I can't stop crying now, I feel so sad for everything.

I want him to be a happy man. Ideally with me, his happy wife.

x

Last edited by So alone; 2nd September 2010 at 10:14 PM.
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Old 2nd September 2010, 11:31 PM   #133
UpandDown
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Re: I want to understand

Oh SA I can totally relate to that - that's all we ever wanted them to be happy. Unfortunately they have to find it for themselves.

Thinking of you and really looking forward to seeing you on Saturday.

x
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Old 3rd September 2010, 11:38 AM   #134
Wiggle
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Re: I want to understand

Hi SA,

Yes, totally understand where you are. He does sound very low, but at least it's forced him to recognise that the problems are his, not caused by you. Has he seen a GP yet? I'm worried about my ex? for the same reasons - he seems to be getting worse too. Which, in a bizarre way, is actually a releif - it's definitely not me that's causing his low mood, and the same obviously applies in your case.

Wish I could be there on Saturday - hope you and Kathryn have a great time!

Huge hugs,

Axx
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Old 9th September 2010, 01:17 AM   #135
So alone
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Re: I want to understand

Well, he rang me today. ( i met up with him last Friday and Monday just gone). He wants to make things work and come up here to where I am living now and be with me.

I am very nervous about it and told him so. He was crying as his voice was cracking and he was telling me (like he did the on Fri and Mon) that he has been so afraid of life, of everything. He has been reading one of the books about Divorce and saying it is really hitting home to him. That his feelings do count and that he wants to truly change still. he knows he is and has been a pushover but doesn't want to be any more and has subsequently told some people in business exactly where to go. I told him on Monday that the best things to do in life are often the hardest. We talked for a while and he seems prepared for all of that. Said he had had his counselling today and, as always the session was upsetting but is what he needs and he now realises that so therefore the session was a good session. Said he was so afraid of feeling conflict, so afraid of pain that I have been right about that about him, so much so that he knows he has spent his life avoiding any of those things at all costs including our marriage. Says he knows that I have been right about all such matters. Knows how much hurt and misery he has brought but is wanting to change. I tried to keep very neutral and just stipulated what I felt. He has already started to clear things with his business so that he can leave. he wants to come up here and work for me for a while and then have a good life with me.

he is coming up here on Thursday next week. just to spend the day here.
To say I am extremely nervous would be the understatement of the year.

I told him in no uncertain terms that this is a heck of a lot of work that needs to be done and that by coming up here he will be entering a whole world of pain because I have built a life for myself now. He said he has thought long and hard about such things and wants to do this.

I don't want to forget just how much hurt he has caused me and my friends and family. I also feel that if I don't give this a fair crack of the whip, I may well be regretful of not giving it a go.

Spoke to upanddown earlier and think that I do not want him to be near my business as I feel too precious and concerned that that might be compromised in some way so think a day out somewhere would be ok, so we can talk.

I don't know if this is right but I think I need to give it a go to see.
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