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Old 28th May 2016, 10:04 PM   #1
DeeDee
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Husband Wants Me To Have Sex With Other Men

I have been married for almost 10 years now. This is my third marriage. My husband is a wonderful man, he just isn't very sexual. Any time I want sex or intimacy with him, I have to be the initiator. I have fought with this for almost ten years now, and I have grown tired of trying to get my husband to want me sexually.

We talked last night and my husband admitted that he's had a fantasy of seeing me have sex with other men, and that is what really turns him on. He says that is what gets him erect when we do have sex. He told me that when we have intercourse, he stays into it by imagining me with other men, especially very well endowed black men.

I'd caught my husband looking at porn many times and he always clicked off of it when he saw that I had caught him. Last night he shared with me what he looks at. He showed me pictures of women wearing wedding rings having sex with multiple men. And he told me that is what he thinks about when we have sex.

I love my husband more than anything, and I want him to find me attractive, and to want me sexually. The thing is that if I have sex with other men I am committing adultery. My husband says that it isn't cheating if he is there watching it happen. I am not sure what to think.

My husband says that the only thing that excites him, sexually, is thinking about me having sex with other men. He says he has no interest in having sex with other women, and I believe him. When I asked him why he wanted to see me with black men, he said it just excites him more.

I admit that my husband is only 4" long when he is fully erect. And when I first saw him naked I actually laughed. I didn't mean to, but it happened. I constantly tell him that I love his penis, and that it is big enough for me, but he says that I deserve much more than he can offer, sexually.

Seeing as how we rarely have sex, I agree that I deserve more but, I have never thought of more, in terms of other men.

I spent time today researching cuckolding, the act of a wife having sex with other men with her husband's support and approval. It seems the Internet has a lot on this subject. And it seems to be very popular.

I want my husband to want me. I want my husband to want to have sex with me, and he says that if I have sex with other men, especially black men, he will, a lot.

I am a God fearing Christian, and I love my husband. I am at a crossroad right now. I want to excite my husband, sexually but, I am not sure about having sex with other men to do it. I can't be the only one who has faced this. Can I?

What I need is assurance that I am not alone, and that what appears to be very popular on the Internet, and is my husband's desire, isn't just him and me. I don't want to break our marriage vows but, I also feel that I am to be submissive to my husband and his desires. And if this is what it takes to make my husband want me, then maybe I should do it.

I just don't know what to think or feel right now.

If you have faced this, experienced this, or went along with it, please let me know. Any advice will be appreciated.
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Old 28th May 2016, 10:24 PM   #2
Raymond
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Re: Husband Wants Me To Have Sex With Other Men

This is off the charts Dee Dee. There is no way this would be right. It is a perverse desire probably born of porn which is mental adultery in itself. This is what porn can do. It is well known that porn can kill true sexual desire in a marriage and is a major cause of ED. I'd get together with true christians and pray about it. I would keep well away from it. It is a perversion of what true marriage should be. I don't see how you can agree to this. It would be very wrong to enter into his perversion of what a true marriage should be.
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Old 30th May 2016, 07:55 PM   #3
DeeDee
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Re: Husband Wants Me To Have Sex With Other Men

Quote:
Originally Posted by Raymond View Post
This is off the charts Dee Dee. There is no way this would be right. It is a perverse desire probably born of porn which is mental adultery in itself. This is what porn can do. It is well known that porn can kill true sexual desire in a marriage and is a major cause of ED. I'd get together with true christians and pray about it. I would keep well away from it. It is a perversion of what true marriage should be. I don't see how you can agree to this. It would be very wrong to enter into his perversion of what a true marriage should be.
Raymond:

I thank you for your response. I did pray on this and the Lord told me to look beyond his desire to what brought this about. I found it hard to see my husband as perverse. So, I called my husband's ex wife, C, and asked her if my husband had ever brought up wanting her to have sex with other men. She told me that he had but, she was the reason he had. C admitted that she messed up, royally, about 20 years ago, when she and my husband had been married for about as long as my husband and I have been. C told me that my husband was very loving and very intimate for the first ten years of their marriage, then one day she made the biggest mistake of her life. She said that there were two major mistakes that she made.

C told me that her first mistake was to cheat on my husband, mostly because of his penis size. Although my husband had been faithful and loving toward her, she didn't enjoy sex with him. And she ended up getting pregnant by my husband's best friend, who, as C says, was much better endowed. My husband knew the child wasn't his but, he forgave C and his best friend and raised his best friend's child as his own. C's second mistake happened five years later when she and my husband were in bed, and my husband was trying to initiate sex. C said she asked my husband why he couldn't love her without having to have sex with her. And that was all it took. From that day on C and my husband slept in separate beds, and eventually in separate rooms.

C said that from then on my husband wouldn't hold her hand or kiss her because he believed that if he did it would mean that he didn't love her. C told me that she had denied my husband sex for a long time before asking that fateful question, and that she had lovers to the house pretty often. C told me that my husband had come home one day when she was with three other men, and she noticed my husband looking into their room from the window. And from then on it kind of happened. And she knew she was the cause but, she needed the sex my husband had begun refusing her.

C admitted to me that she had married my husband out of convenience. And that it wasn't until after I married him that she realized how much she loved him. C told me that there were many times that she would have men over knowing that they would still be there when my husband got home. She wanted to make him jealous, and to have sex that she enjoyed. C admitted that she was messed up but, that she got into it and couldn't stop. C told me that she and my husband would cuddle after she had been with other men, and that she would tell him about everything she did with them, and that it was her way of connecting with my husband.

My husband loved C, and I know he still does, even though she ended up giving birth to two more children that were fathered by other men and raised by my husband. C told me that asking my husband why he couldn't love her without having to have sex with her, and telling him that he was too small, was her biggest mistakes. C told me that my husband had always been ashamed of his size, and that when they went to sex parties that my husband was the one man that no one wanted, because of his lack of size. C told me that there were a lot of women who were straightforward and told my husband that it was because of his lack of endowment that he wasn't worth having sex with.

C told me that it was because my husband loved her so much that she felt she could have sex with other men, even when he watched, because my husband knew she was enjoying the sex, and that he couldn't do for her what other men did, because he loved her. C told me that my husband is a very special man because not only did he forgive her for having sex with other men but, he even let it happen in his presence. The fact that he raised the children that were fathered by other men, as his own, showed how special of a man he was.

C told me that she had sex with other men for many reasons, (1) She needed what my husband couldn't offer her, either because he loved her or was too small for her. (2) Because my husband was very intimate, previously, and felt wanted afterward, C did things for other men that my husband used to ask her to do but she never did for him. This was C's way of showing my husband that she was willing to do these things. (3) Having my husband watch her while she had sex with other men made her feel connected to my husband. It was something they were doing "together." (4) My husband never asked her to stop. (5) After C had sex with men who were much more endowed than my husband, my husband would thank them.

C told me that since she and my husband have been divorced that she hasn't had sex with another man. She realized that the man she truly loved and wanted she messed up. She messed up his mind and his perception of love. All of this made sense to me because my husband has never been physicaly intimate with me without me initiating, and even then had trouble attaining and keeping an erection. I realized that my husband's desire to see me have sex with other men was because he loves me, and because he loves me, he finds it difficult to be sexually intimate with me. When my husband watched C have sex with other men, he was able to love her vicariously through the other men.

It dawned on me that my husband's desire was not from looking at porn but, rather, from his desire to love me. It is because of C that my husband is unable to be sexual with me. It was because she had given my husband a way to love her without having to have sex with her that he learned how to love without having to have sex.

C informed me that most of the men she had sex with were black men, because more often than not they were very well endowed, and she needed that. C told me that was more than likely the reason that my husband wants to see me have sex with black men, because he associates black men with more sexual enjoyment. C admitted that when she did have sex with my husband, shortly before they divorced, that it wasn't as fulfilling, physically, as the sex she had with better endowed black men.

C admitted that she messed up, and that she wishes that she had never said what she had to my husband that fateful day. Yet, she doesn't regret having sex in front of my husband. C said that it was the only way she knew to allow my husband to love her without having to have sex with her. C told me that when my husband would watch her have sex with black men that he was always smiling, and would kiss her afterward and want to lie with her afterward, non sexually.

C told me that when she would have my husband shave her that he was so clinical, like a doctor. He wasn't sexual in any way. I have noticed this, too. C told me that before asking my husband that question, that ruined them, they deep kissed and were very sensual. After she asked my husband why he couldn't love her without having to have sex with her, they never deep kissed again. And It dawned on me that me and my husband don't deep kiss, either.

My husband will give me full body massages for hours, and he does anything and everything for me, other than sexually. My husband is an amazing man. He has raised three children that he knew weren't his biologically. He stayed with C for 26 years before meeting me. He loved C, and still does. And he probably always will. And I know he loves me just as much. It was then that I realized that my husband asking me to have sex with other men, black men, wasn't out of a perverse desire but, rather, because he loves me and has learned that this is the only way he can love me without having to have sex with me.

I talked with my husband afterward. And he agreed with everything that C had told me. He also told me that he has always been ashamed of his lack of size. My husband told me that he wants to have sex with me but, when we do, something tells him that it is wrong. My husband told me that he knows I love sex, and desire it often. And because he is unable to love me in this way, that is why he asked me to have sex with other men.

My husband told me that when he watched C have sex with other men that they were able to do things for and with C that he never could. And he saw that their better endowment pleased C in ways that he never could. I told my husband that it isn't about size. It's about the love shared between two people. My husband then reminded me of the first time I saw him naked, and the fact that I laughed. I admitted that his penis is the smallest I have ever seen on a man but, that I loved him in spite of his lack of size. I told my husband that I could, not that I wanted to but, I could go without sex if I had to but, I don't want to. This is when my husband told me that having sex with black men would do two things, (1) Satisfy my sexual urges and (2) allow him to love me in a way that doesn't feel wrong to him.

It was at that moment that I realized that me and my husband shared something few other couples seem to be able to, communicate! My husband has shared with me his deepest of secrets, of his shame, and of his deepest desire, for me to be able to be loved in a way he no longer can.

When my husband asked me to describe his penis to him, I told him it was cute. I told him it was non threatening. When my husband told me to describe my ex husband's penis, I told him that it was almost too big, that it took a long time for me to get used to it. When my husband asked me to describe my first husband's penis, I told him that it didn't matter but, he pressed for an answer. I told my husband that my first husband's penis was almost perfect. He was thick but not too thick, and long but not too long. My husband then asked me if I had ever had sex with a black man, and I admitted that I had. I admitted that I had dated and lived with a black man for two years.

My husband asked me what the difference was between having sex with my ex husbands and the sex I had with the black man I lived with. I told my husband that the black man I lived with was a passionate lover, and he made me feel worthwhile, wanted, needed and desired. My husband asked me to compare the penis the black man had to my ex husband's penises. I had to admit that there was no comparison, and that although my black lover was much bigger than my ex husband's were, it was because of how much he excited me that I was comfortable enough not to feel pain when we made love. And the only reason I broke up with this lover was because he was cheating on me with two other women.

My husband asked me if I ever thought about this lover, even now. And I admitted that I had. Not because I wanted him but, because of how happy I was when we were together. My husband asked me if the sex I had with my black lover was satisfying. And I admitted that it was. My husband asked me what it was about the sex that made it so satisfying, and I told him it was because of how much he wanted me and made me feel wanted and needed. My husband then asked how often me and my lover had sex, and I told him it was sometimes two to three or more times a day. My husband asked me if I missed having sex that often, and I said yes.

My husband asked me how it made me feel when I played with him and he couldn't get an erection. I told him that I felt rejected, that I wasn't good enough for him, that he wasn't attracted to me. My husband told me that I am the most beautiful woman he has ever known, inside and out. And he told me that he thinks of sex with me often but, then feels guilty afterward.

All these years I felt that I was the problem in our relationship, only to find out that the problem started nearly thirty years ago, with my husband's ex wife. What I've learned is that my husband has a problem associating sex and love, and that my desire for sex is not wrong. I have tried everything to get my husband to want me like other men have in the past, and now I find that is what my husband wants for me, too. He wants me to feel wanted, loved, needed and desired. And the only way he can make it right, in his mind, is if I have sex with other men.

With all this information, I can't see my husband as perverse. What I can see is that my husband has learned what love is from someone who found out how to love him, and allow him to love her, by having other men in her bed. Yes. It goes against everything we are taught in church about marriage but, we are never taught how cruel a person can be to another without knowing it. I felt that my husband was cruel to deny me sex. And yes, it does make me feel lesser as a woman when I can't excite my husband, sexually. I also have to realize what my husband goes through every day when he sees himself naked and feels lesser as a man because of his lack of size.

It's been over thirty years since my husband has truly made love to me, or with his ex wife. And here he is in his mid fifties with little sexual experience. He is like a young boy because he is without the knowledge of how to sexually love a woman. He has seen other men do it but, he lacks in practical experience. It saddens me to know that people see my husband as being perverse, when, in actuality, he is a victim. He sees wanting sex with me as wrong, and unloving. My husband believes that if he wants sex with me that it means that he doesn't love me. That's wrong!

None of this had anything to do with porn, and porn was my husband's only way to see love the way he couldn't love.

I am not condoning sex with other men, outside of your marriage but, I can now understand why my husband wants me to have sex with other men. This way I could get the sex I want/need, and he doesn't have to feel guilty because he is not the one having sex with me. I get that. The thing is that most wives don't want to have sex with men other than their husband but, I also don't want to go without for how ever long it takes for my husband to get past his hang up with sex.

I have read up on counseling, and I have found that counseling can take years for it to take affect. I at least can feel comforted that me and my husband communicate. This has been a major move in the right direction, as far as I am concerned.

The Christian community can be confusing at times. First we are to be submissive to our husbands, then we are to be pure in thought and deed. And we are told to learn from the Song of Songs but, not to go beyond the church boundaries. We are to want our husband and our husband is supposed to want us but, things happen. Communication breaks down, people have affairs, and people's needs go unmet. All of this happens in every church. How many threads are created by women who want sex from their husband and never get it, let alone know why? At least I know why my husband doesn't want to have sex with me but, wants me to be sexually satisfied.

My husband told me that he doesn't want me to have sex with other men because he doesn't love me. He says that he believes that it will enhance our marriage. It will fill the gaps that are there now. My husband told me that if I did have sex with other men that he would feel that he has loved me in the way I need him to, although it would be by me having sex with other men, black men. The fact that he wants to be there when it happens means that it would be something we would be doing together. I am still trying to wrap my head around that.

When I think back to my black lover and how he made me feel, I admit I would like to feel that way again. And to know that it is because of my husband that I am feeling that way again would mean everything to me. This is why I am so confused. On the one hand I am committing adultry if I have sex with other men. On the other hand I am loving my husband, and allowing him to love me, by letting other men do to and with me what I want my husband to do.

My husband is the size of a Bic lighter when he is nearly erect, and I have never known him to have a full erection. And I can understand why he feels shame when he sees how well other men are endowed. I can also understand how he could feel that wanting sex is a bad thing when the woman he loved so much asked him why he couldn't love her without having to have sex with her. This is so much deeper than porn addiction. This is victimization at it's best.

I can tell by the lack of responses to my post that I am the only woman who has ever faced this with her husband. And I really feel alone in this. I did read something on christiannymphos.org about a couple that had been into swinging. The wife stated, "Wife – I enjoyed the physical pleasures with being with other people. But I never got 100 percent comfortable with my husband having sex with other women." I don't have that worry because my husband doesn't want to engage in sex himself. When CN asked the couple, "What finally happened that made you both turn from that way of life? Was it an event or a process?" and the husband said, "What finally turned us away. My wife had an affair with a guy we were doing threesomes with." It wasn't the lifestyle but, rather, the wife being dishonest and hiding her affair from her husband.

The Christian swinger wife stated, "I justified the affair with the idea I would video tape it and show my husband later even though he knew nothing about any of it at the time. After the affair I felt so guilty. Like for once after all these years of swinging I had truly done something wrong." Reading this I realized that where they had gone wrong was to be dishonest with each other. This is not the case with me and my husband. My husband is being honest with me for the first time since we've been together. And this is more communication than we have had together, ever.

I am going to pray more on this. And I am going to consider my wants and needs, as well as my husband's wants and needs. I know he wants to have sex with me. He just has feelings of guilt associated with wanting sex with me. And I love sex. I want to have sex with my husband. And I just have to consider what it really means to have sex "with" my husband.
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Old 31st May 2016, 09:39 AM   #4
Raymond
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Re: Husband Wants Me To Have Sex With Other Men

These are your decisions Dee Dee and you have to make them. Yes pray and let the Spirit guide you. One thing is sure He will never contradict the word of God.

Your husband is obviously damaged and I get that, but that doesn't justify wrong actions. God would want to heal the past and make him whole. You understand that. Acting out of one's wounding just makes it worse. I have found that when we ask the Father Jesus can heal incidents in the past and we can even throw off any spirit that got in at that point. I do think he needs counselling but good counseling. Yes it can take a little time but not always. Depends how hungry we are.

I don't have to tell you the right way to live. You know that deep down if you are honest. God's answer to marriage isn't the swinging lifestyle. Sex is holy within marriage and yes it is wonderful. We pollute that wonderful gift using it outside of marriage. God wants to heal everything that happened in the past. Mostly this starts with our forgiveness and repentance for things we know are wrong. This takes the ground away from the enemy and allows God's healing to come.
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Old 2nd June 2016, 03:58 AM   #5
chosen
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Re: Husband Wants Me To Have Sex With Other Men

It seems there are many reasons for this situation. Can I assume that your husband isnt a Christian? Asking this due to the facts that he thinks its ok to go to sex parties and ask his wife to have sex with other men. Its not loving to ask your spouse to do this, the fact that he looks at this on porn shows that its what turns him on sexually and the porn merely feeds this fantasy. If he has no sex drive he wouldnt need to look at porn.

Submission NEVER means committing a sin because you are told to, especially such a serious one, and I am sorry, there are no such things as Christian swingers, if they really knew God and knew how much He hates adultery, they wouldnt even consider it.

His last marriage was a mess, they both sinned in it by gong to sex parties etc and by their agreement to let her commit adultery multiple times, so he came to you with a very skewed idea of what sex between a husband and wife should be. His porn use will have fed his fantasies probably for many many years. Porn use is so damaging and can stop you from desiring a normal healthy sex life with your partner. It can also cause the man not to be able to get an erection during normal sex or even want normal sex. This is almost certainly a large part of why he cant. If he has been looking at porn for 30 or more years, then his mind and sexual fantasies will have been very skewed/damaged by this.

This isnt love, whatever you may think, not true pure love that would see the damage that this situation would cause you you in your faith and the marriage. After all look what it did to his last marriage which was a total road crash and ended in divorce and children who were conceived in adultery. The Bible tell us the damage that happens to us when we commit adultery, and the consequences are always bad. WHy do you think that God had such severe penalties for it?

MY advise, dont even think of doing this. Pray for him to come to know Jesus Christ so that he can begin to receive healing for this skewed idea of godly sex, pray for the marriage and get close friends to do this as well. Pray together if he will agree. Suggest that he goes to the doctor, he may have very low testosterone which may partly cause him not to be able to have an erection. Find him a good counsellor, one that is experienced in marriage/sexual issues, go to marriage counselling. Also ask him to stop looking at porn completely, there are programmes that can be downloaded on the computer that block porn, and if you are in the uK you can ask your internet provider to do this.

Yes it will take time and effort from both of you if you want to eventually have a good marriage and sex life together, but the alternative will be a disaster.
Lastly stop going onto those ungodly sites that promote adultery. They are from the enemy. he hates marriage and faithfulness. They are not Christian in anyway. God clearly says that faithfulness is vital and that adultery is very wrong.

Last edited by chosen; 2nd June 2016 at 04:10 AM.
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Old 3rd June 2016, 08:28 PM   #6
DeeDee
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Re: Husband Wants Me To Have Sex With Other Men

We are both Christians. We are going through a tough time right now. He is not a pervert. He is not a deviant. He is a man who loves me and has had a difficult past. I have discovered that the church is quick to condemn the thoughts and actions of others but, slow to understanding, or wanting to understand. This is where I see the church needs to step up and move toward wanting to help rather than condemning first.

When we went to couseling a couple years ago the pastor we went to tried to make my husband out to be the bad guy, too. And that didn't help. What HAS helped is that my husband opened up to me about his inner thoughts and feelings. This has been a huge move forward for us. My husband's idea of true love is to love without having to have sex with someone. This is Agape love. And I love him, even with his faults, mostly because he accepts my faults.

The fact that my husband raised children, as his own, that he knew weren't his, biologically, says something about his character, in a good way. Because he has sexual hang ups, I am supposed to just say, "Back away from me, Sinner!"? I don't think so. When I went to the porn sites, I did so to try to understand what was in my husband's mind. And what I learned was that men want their wife to be pleased in ways that they can't please them. And it's not uncommon for a man to think that he may not be enough for his wife. Just as we women often feel we are unlovable.

As one woman put it, "If you have a car issue, you take it to a mechanic. If you have a plumbing problem, you call in a plumber. If you are having electrical problems, you call in a electrician. Few men are all of these in one person. And the same applies to sex. Some men are good at it, because they have a lot of training, whereas, other men look to these other men for their abilities and education where they may, themselves, lack." And that really does make sense, when you think about it.

My husband can't get an erection. We have tried pills. We have had his T levels checked. And nothing has worked. My husband knows how important sex is to me, how important it is to me to feel needed and wanted. And his lack of desire for sex, himself, has made me feel unwanted and unneeded. He is expressing a way in which both of us may be able to receive pleasure. And I understand this now. And that doesn't make him a bad person. He brought this up because he trusted me and he loves me and he wants to please me, even if he can't do so himself.

I was referred by our pastor's wife to another older woman from our sister church. I found out through her that she hasn't ever been able to enjoy sex, no matter what they've tried. And she has been the first, from the church, to truly understand. She has given me advise and comfort from the point of view of a woman who has never been able to please her husband, sexually. And she has shared with me what they have done to make their marriage work, that includes his sexual fulfillment.

God is love, and he will never leave us. And I have never looked back on God. I have looked toward him for help in all of this. And I feel the holy spirit has led me to this older couple. They have both been so wonderful and understanding. I am 46. They are in their late 60s. Neither of them has wanted to condemn me or my husband. and they have been where we are. An d they still attend church. The husband is a senior elder. And they have witnessed to us. I believe that God leads us where he wants us to go. And through this older couple, I believe we may learn what God's true desire is for me and my husband.

I just want to best for us and to do what God sees as right for us. All prayers are appreciated.
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Old 4th June 2016, 11:03 AM   #7
Raymond
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Re: Husband Wants Me To Have Sex With Other Men

I cannot read anywhere that anyone has condemned your husband but there is no doubt that he has been damaged and is acting out of that damaging. Judging an action is not judging a person. You asked for our advice.

Chosen and I cannot condone a wife sleeping with other men. I cannot see any way that would be justified. It goes completely against marital purity. Are we judging to say that? To get vicarious pleasure from that is how pornography works when you look at it. I believe that is far from a Godly answer. You need to stand up for truth and not enter into this spiral of adultery and porn which only leads down. Going with it will not help you or your husband in the long run.

By your writing you are almost persuading yourself that this is right, but as I said you have to make your own decisions. I pray that you make the right one.
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Old 4th June 2016, 10:40 PM   #8
DeeDee
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Re: Husband Wants Me To Have Sex With Other Men

What makes this all tough is the lack of Christian people I can talk to. I pray about this constantly. I want to do God's will, and I want to submit to my husband. I want us to live a happy life. I don't think I am asking a lot.

When I talked about this with our pastor yesterday, he told me that we have some serious issues to contend with. He also said that I have to be understanding of my husband's physical inabilities. He told me to focus on my husband's need to feel loved by me. He said that I should focus on making my husband happy, and in return this would make us both happy.

I told the pastor that his desire for me was for me to be happy, and that through my happiness, my husband would be happy. Our pastor said he wants to counsel both of us. And we are going to start that on Tuesday.

This has been on my mind for weeks now. It has consumed me. Please understand that this is a lot to deal with.
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Old 4th June 2016, 11:15 PM   #9
chosen
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Re: Husband Wants Me To Have Sex With Other Men

I hope that the pastor can help you, but I am sure you know deep down that adultery is a very serious sin and if that is what that other man of the couple you spoke to does, then he will suffer the consequences for it and there is no way that he should be an elder if he is doing this.


You are looking to a sinful and wrong solution for this issue, which will only cause pain and bad consequences for you both and the marriage. if my husband couldnt have sex for whatever reason, there is no way I would think of having sex with another man. No matter what my husband suggested, I know what God says and God comes first always. As for the porn, his long term porn use will have only make things far worse because it feeds his damaged and skewed idea of sex by constantly seeing married women have sex with other men. As a Christian there is no way that he should be looking at porn nor suggesting that you, his wife, commit such a serious and damaging sin. He only seems to be able to be turned on by seeing married women commit adultery with men they arent married to, and that is disturbing and needs sorting out not feeding.

I fear you are close to taking this disastrous step, and are trying to justify it, but you will never justify it Biblically. I hope that you dont because only bad will come of it.if you husband told you to kill someone or steal something, would you do it because you are supposed to submit??No, submission doesnt cover sin.

I think he needs lots of prayer ministry to undo the damage that the past has bought, as well as the terrible damage that the porn use has caused to him, and also to help him to see that sex parties, adultery and porn use are a big no no's for Christians. He also may also benefit from some good Bible teaching on this topic.
The first step is for him to stop even thinking of you with another man, stop the porn use completely, and pray for God to heal and restore his sexuality. It may well take a lot of time, but as Christians its the only way to go.

Last edited by chosen; 4th June 2016 at 11:34 PM.
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Old 5th June 2016, 09:31 AM   #10
Raymond
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Re: Husband Wants Me To Have Sex With Other Men

I would agree with all that.

I will pray that the counseling goes well on Tuesday.
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Old 9th June 2016, 08:57 PM   #11
DeeDee
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Re: Husband Wants Me To Have Sex With Other Men

When we saw our pastor, he asked what he could do for us. I told him that my husband had asked me to have sex with other men because he can no longer get erections and that he doesn't want me to go without because of his inability to please me, sexually. And that we have not been one flesh for some time.


Our pastor was silent for a few minutes, then he asked me if I had fulfilled my husband's wish. I told him no. Our pastor reassured us that God does not condone adultery. Our pastor then asked my husband if he found me to be attractive. And he said yes. Then our pastor asked my husband if he loved me, truly loved me. And he said yes. Then our pastor asked my husband why he would want to allow another man or other men to do to or with me what is reserved only for him.


My husband explained that his ex wife had taught him that to want sex with your wife is unloving and that if he desired sex when she didn't, and they had sex, it was marital rape. Our pastor explained that God designed sex for the married couple, and that neither the husband or the wife should deny the other of their marital right. Our pastor said that sex should be celebrated between a husband and his wife. And I agreed.


Our pastor then asked me if, even though my husband can't get an erection, if I gave my husband the sexual attention he is due. I told him no. Our pastor picked up his Bible and read Ephesians 5:22, "Wives, submit yourselves to your own husbands as you do to the Lord. For the husband is the head of the wife as Christ is the head of the church, his body, of which he is the Savior. Now as the church submits to Christ, so also wives should submit to their husbands . . . in everything"


Our pastor put down his Bible and asked me what I thought that passage meant. I told him that I believed that it meant a wife is to willingly submit to her husband in personal obedience to the Lord Jesus. And he agreed. Then our pastor asked me what I meant. I said a wife should choose to follow the Lord’s instruction by submitting to her husband’s leadership. Again our pastor agreed. My husband added that a wife is under no obligation to disobey civil law or God’s law in the name of submission to her husband, though. Again our pastor agreed.


Our Pastor asked my husband if he felt he had a sex drive. My husband said that part of him left him years ago. Then our pastor stunned us both by asking me if I can love my husband without having to have sex with him. I told our pastor that sex had nothing to do with me being able to love my husband. I then asked our pastor why he asked me that question. That's when he told me that I may have to re-channel my sexual energy.


I reminded our pastor that our reason for seeing him was because my husband wants me to have sex with other men. Our pastor reminded us that he can't condone that type of activity. He told me that my husband's desire for me to do so was more than likely because my husband was not receiving the sexual attention he deserved as my husband. My husband told our pastor that he doesn't want sex with me, because he loves me. And because he loves me, he can't have sex with me, because it would be showing me that he doesn't love me.


Our pastor asked my husband how asking me to have sex with other men was loving. My husband told our pastor that it would be a way of me getting the sex I need, and he would be able to love me vicariously through me having sex with other men. Our pastor asked my husband if I did have sex with other men if that would give him the ability to get an erection. And he said no. My husband told our pastor that wanting me to have sex with other men had nothing to do with his desire for sexual satisfaction. He said it had to do with wanting my sexual needs to be met.


Our pastor then asked me if having sex with other men would satisfy my sexual needs. And I said I was unsure. Our pastor asked me to describe my sexual needs. I told him I want to feel that physical closeness that can only occur during sexual intercourse. I told him I want to feel wanted, needed, desirable and desired. I told our pastor that my husband's lack of sexual desire and his inability to get erect made this impossible.


Our pastor read again from his Bible,
"The husband should fulfill his wife's sexual needs, and the wife should fulfill her husband's needs. The wife gives authority over her body to her husband, and the husband gives authority over his body to his wife. Do not deprive each other of sexual relations, unless you both agree to refrain from sexual intimacy for a limited time so you can give yourselves more completely to prayer. Afterward, you should come together again so that Satan won't be able to tempt you because of your lack of self-control."
1 Corinthians 7:3-5. Afterward, our pastor asked us what we thought this passage meant. Me and my husband both agreed that it meant that a husband and wife should have sex to avoid temptation.


Our Pastor asked my husband if he looked at pornography, and he said he did. Our pastor asked my husband if he felt that looking at porn was beneficial to our situation. My husband explained that the porn he looked at was of wives having sex with black men while their husband watched. And to my surprise, my husband told our pastor that he and I had watched a 45 minute home video of a woman having sex with a black man while her husband filmed it all. Our pastor asked me how that made me feel. I told him I actually felt closer to my husband then than I had for a long time.


Our pastor asked me how watching a porn video of a wife having sex with a man that wasn't her husband made me feel closer to my husband. And I told him that while we watched the video that my husband rubbed my upper thigh the whole time. And he even allowed me to massage him, between his legs, too. I told our pastor that we hadn't been that sexually close in a long time.


Our pastor asked me if while watching the video I got sexually excited. I admitted that having my husband rub my inner and upper thigh did excite me. Our pastor then asked if anything in the video excited me. And I asked what he meant. He then asked if seeing another man naked was a turn on for me. I told our pastor that the combination of my husband rubbing me, and the video, excited and turned me on. Our pastor then asked me if there was any time, when we were watching the video, if I ever wished that I was the wife in the video. I admitted that I had wished that I could experience the same sexual excitement and fulfillment the wife in the video seemed to be getting.


Our pastor then asked me how I knew that the wife in the video was really excited and fulfilled, and wasn't just putting on a show for her husband. I told our pastor that the wife in the video was very active, and was wanting the man she was having sex with. And for the entire 45 minutes of the video the wife was moving and making it all happen. I told our pastor that the husband had commented in a couple of places that he had never seen "that" before, meaning he had never seen his wife, or any other woman, do what his wife was doing to, for and with this other man. This black man that wasn't her husband.


Our pastor told me that, scriptureally, adultery wasn't an option for a Christian wife. He told me that all sins are outside of the body but, fornication and adultery are sins against the body. I told him I knew the passage but, me and my husband are not roommates. We're husband and wife. I added that sex should be a part of marriage, in some way.


Sadly, our pastor pointed out that over 20% of married couples in the ages between 18 and 56 have sex less than 10 times a year, and that it is not that uncommon for couples to live this way. I told our pastor that that I have read forums and websites wherein men and women mourned their loss of sex with their spouse. I told our pastor that was not uncommon either.


Our pastor asked me if I thought I would be able to handle the shame, if I did have sex with another man, black or otherwise. In return, I asked our pastor if he knew the shame felt when you are a wife not getting sex and you hear other husbands and wives talking about how great sex is in their marriage, and how often they are doing it.

I told our pastor that me and my husband had gone to a seminar a couple years back where the speaker was talking about his "Smokin Hot Wife." The whole time he was on the stage, this guy was talking about how much his wife excited him, and how often he thought of having sex with her. All of us, men and women included, looked over at the wife, and she was so proud to be so wanted by her husband. The rest of us just sat there wishing that our spouse wanted us, just a little. I told our pastor that was a tough time, and it was at a Christian marriage seminar.


Our pastor told us that God blesses each of us differently, just like spiritual gifts. No one is the same. Our pastor told us that God's design in marriage is for a married couple to become one flesh. He told us that the Bible never says how often a man and his wife should have sex, although Paul did speak on this. I told our pastor that sex should be glorified in a marriage as a blessing from God, and that was all I wanted. Our pastor reminded me that we came to see him because my husband wants me to have sex with other men, black men. And I agreed.


Our pastor asked my husband what he thought about when he looked at porn, and when he thought of me having sex with other men. My husband told him that when he looks at porn that shows a wife enjoying intimacy with another man, while her husband watches, he wishes that I could enjoy sex like the women in the pictures and the videos. My husband told our pastor that he has tried to become excited, either by me or the pictures or videos, and nothing excited him or gets him erect. He admitted that when he thought of me having sex with other men that he felt that he was fulfilling his marital duties by allowing other men to fulfill my needs.


My husband used the analogy of taking your car to a garage when it won't run, and that you call a plumber when you have a pipe that is broken, or you call an electrician if you have trouble with your wiring. Our pastor asked my husband if he intentionally worded what he'd just said to sound sexual. My husband said he hadn't. Our pastor said it sounded that way, "car won't run, pipe is broken, trouble with your wiring." My husband smiled and admitted that it could have sounded that way but, that was not his intention. Our pastor ran with this by telling us that using words like Car won't run, pipe is broken and trouble with wiring could be a personal way of stating that my husband has problems with his feelings about sex and his penis, and it isn't something that another man having sex with me was going to fix.


Our pastor asked me what came to mind when I thought of my husband naked. And I smiled. Our pastor asked me what came to mind. And I told him that I think my husband's penis is cute. Then our pastor asked me what I had thought when I saw the man in the video naked. I told him that the man in the video was very well hung, very athletic, toned, exceptionally loving, passionate and very masculine. Our pastor asked my husband how it made him feel when I had stated that I thought his penis was "cute." My husband said he was used to it. Our pastor asked my husband again how that made him feel. And my husband told him that he was very small, and even when he did get erections, that they weren't that impressive.


Our pastor told my husband that the size of a man's penis doesn't have anything to do with him as a man. It is just another part of the body. It is a part of the body that was designed to urinate and bring forth children. My husband told our pastor that he had raised three children that other men had conceived with his ex wife. Our pastor told my husband that maybe the biggest part of the problem was with his inability to see himself as a man because of his lack of size. My husband told our pastor that the problem wasn't because of his lack of size, it was because he doesn't see wanting sex or having sex, himself, as loving. That's when our pastor asked my husband how another man, a black man, making love to me was any more loving.


My husband told our pastor that most "normal" people see sex as a good thing, pleasurable, even desirable. Yet, he just can't bring himself to ask for sex. My husband said that asking for sex makes you seem needy, and that it puts your partner in a position where they HAVE to do something for you. And he doesn't see himself ever being able to put me in that position. Our pastor asked my husband how it was different by asking me to have sex with other men, that would put me n the same position, only another men would benefit from it. My husband said that he felt that if I had sex with other men, especially black men, that I would have him as my husband and partner, and a lover that would fill in where he can't.


Our pastor asked us to pray on this for the week, and that he wants to see us again next Tuesday. I am not sure what, if anything, really happened that helped. Our pastor told us to try to be more intimate with each other, thinking only of each other for the rest of the week, until we meet him again. I have tried to excite my husband. I have even been oral with him, a lot. I am doing my part. I am hoping that future counseling will help.
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Old 9th June 2016, 10:15 PM   #12
Raymond
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Re: Husband Wants Me To Have Sex With Other Men

That's fantastic Dee Dee. Your pastor sounds very wise. What he said was very wise and very gentle. I can see him getting to the root of the problem. You are both very fortunate to have such a wise pastor. I hope you will both go back and that he will in God get to the root of the problem which I believe he has begun to touch on. Thank you for reporting back. My wife and I will pray that the next meeting goes well. If you want God's best and are obedient you will surely get it.

God Bless
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Old 13th June 2016, 12:29 AM   #13
chosen
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Re: Husband Wants Me To Have Sex With Other Men

The pastor sounds as if he has both common sense and a good Biblical grounding.
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Old 16th June 2016, 08:46 PM   #14
DeeDee
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Re: Husband Wants Me To Have Sex With Other Men

We went to our second session with our pastor. He asked us how things had been this past week. I told our pastor that we had prayed often, together, about our situation, and that I thought my husband had received oral from me more than ever in his life. Our pastor just said, "Oh."

Our pastor then asked me to elaborate. I told our pastor tht I was extremely oral with my husband because I want him to know I want to have sex, and that he doesn't have to ask for it, ever. Our pastor asked me if my husband ever became erect when I was oral with him. And I said no. Our pastor then asked my husband if he enjoyed the attention I had given him. And my husband sighed, then he told our pastor that he felt bad that I was giving him all that attention when he can't do anything sexual in return.

Our pastor asked if my husband, or we, had looked at pornography this past week. I told him that we had watched that one video I had talked about last time, the 45 minute one, twice, together. Our pastor asked me if I felt the closeness I had the first time we watched the video, the two consecutive times, and I said yes. Our pastor looked through his notes and then asked me what it was about watching a black man having sex with another man's wife that made me feel closer to my husband. And I told him it was how my husband reacted when we watched the video together, and that he touched me the whole time we watched the video.

Our pastor asked my husband if he thought about what he was doing when he touched me while we watched the video. My husband told our pastor that when we watched the video, he didn't see another woman having sex with a black man. He saw the woman as me having sex with a black man. My husband told our pastor that the woman in the video is me, it's me he sees in the video, not some other woman.

Our pastor asked me how I felt about my husband seeing me as the woman in the video. I admitted to our pastor that I had dreams of being that woman, having sex with that black man. Our pastor asked me if my husband was in the room, in my dreams, when I was this other woman having sex with this black man. And I said yes. I told him that my husband sat silently watching as me and this black man did everything sexually imaginable together. Our pastor asked me if this excited me, having these dreams. I admitted that the dreams did excite me. Our pastor asked me if I thought that these dreams helped me want to be more giving to my husband. I told him I was unsure.

Our pastor read from Colossians 3:1-6, "Since, then, you have been raised with Christ, set your hearts on things above, where Christ is seated at the right hand of God. Set your minds on things above, not on earthly things. For you died, and your life is now hidden with Christ in God. When Christ, who is your life, appears, then you also will appear with him in glory. Put to death, therefore, whatever belongs to your earthly nature: sexual immorality, impurity, lust, evil desires and greed, which is idolatry. Because of these, the wrath of God is coming.” Then our pastor asked us what that passage meant to us. My husband said it meant that we should put away sexual thoughts and live for God with our sights on only those things above, not our earthly desires.

Our pastor asked me how my husband's response made me feel. I told him It made me realize I am going to be married and alone for the rest of my life. Then our pastor asked my husband how my response made him feel. He said that he didn't know. He didn't know. He didn't know how me feeling that I was going to be feeling alone and married for the rest of my life made him feel! I wanted to just walk out! How can a man be so unfeeling? So uncaring? So self obsessed?

Our pastor could see that I was hurt by my husband's response. He then asked my husband how he thought that I felt knowing that I would be lonely and married for the rest of my life. My husband thought for a moment then aswered, saying, "She loves me enough to stay with me, even if we don't have sex." I couldn't believe it! He had no idea how him not loving me in my love language hurt, and how bad it hurt me that he wouldn't when he could.

Our pastor asked my husband if I had spent a considerable amount of time trying to be sexual with him this past week. My husband told him that I was down on him more than not the whole week. Then he added, "But I never asked her to." Our pastor asked my husband if he felt he had to ask for sex and he said no, and that he never would. Our pastor asked my husband if he was ever the one to initiate sex in our marriage and he said no. Our pastor told my husband that most men would be bragging about how much their wife went down on them, rather than down playing the fact. My husband told our pastor that I didn't have to go down on him, and he never asked me to.

Our pastor was quiet for a moment, then he said to my husband, "But you'll ask her to have sex with other men?" And my husband said yes. Our pastor asked my husband what excited him, other than thinking about me having sex with other men. My husband said that little excited him outside of thinking about me having sex with other men. Our pastor asked my husband if he enjoyed me going down on him, and he said he didn't mind. He said that I wanted to. So, he let me. Our pastor asked my husband if I was good at giving oral, and he said I was okay at it. Then our pastor asked my husband if he thought other men would enjoy me going down on them, and he sat up, smiled and said yes.

Our pastor then asked my husband if I am just okay at giving oral, why would other men enjoy it? My husband said that other men would enjoy it because I have no gag reflex and that I will do it for literally hours at a time. Our pastor asked if me giving oral was like pizza, good when it's good and still good even when it's bad? My husband kind of laughed and said yes. Our pastor asked me what I would do if I actually did have sex with other men. I told him I would do most anything with them. Our pastor asked me if I would be just as willing to do the same for my husband, and I said yes but, that he wouldn't care.

Our pastor then surprised me when he asked my husband when the last time was that he kissed me, passionately, deeply, using his tongue? My husband looked at me then said that we didn't do that. I added that we never deep kissed like that. Our pastor asked my husband why, and he said that it was too sexual. Then our pastor asked me if I liked deep kissing, and I said yes, and that I missed that. Our pastor then asked my husband if me deep kissing, going down on other men and having intercourse with other men was too sexual. My husband said that was different. Our pastor then shocked us both when he asked my husband if he would let him have sex with me. My husband looked at me then leaned toward our pastor and asked if he was serious.

Our pastor looked at me and asked me what my thoughts would be if he said he was serious. I told him that if he was serious, that things got way to wierd, way too fast. Our pastor shook his head and said it hadn't happened as fast as I had thought. Then our pastor turned to my husband and asked him if he thought of himself as attractive. My husband said that he never felt that he was attractive, at least not since he was like 19 years old. Then our pastor dropped the bomb.

Our pastor asked my husband, point blank, "Is that the last time you had sex with another man?" Without having to think about it, my husband said yes.

I couldn't believe what I had heard. My husband had never talked about sex with other men, and him. It took us going to our pastor for me to find out that my husband has had sex with other men. Our pastor asked my husband if the last man he had sex with had been black, and he said yes. All of the sudden, our pastor asked me who pays the bills in our house, and I said I did. Our pastor then asked who made the major decisions in our house. I told him that I did, most of the time. Then he asked who initiated sex, when we had it. I admitted it was me. Our pastor stated that he didn't think that my husband wanting me to have sex with other men was the biggest problem we have. I agreed.

I was beside myself. First, I was relieved that it wasn't me that made my husband not want to have sex with me. Second, I was upset because I knew I could never give to him, sexually, what another man could. Tears began falling down my husband's cheeks. And I felt sorry for both of us. Fisrt, I was sorry for myself because I would probably never be able to please my husband, because he likes men. Second, I was sorry for him, because he'd been living a lie. He struggled every day to show me he loved me, when in reality, he was always wanting to be loved by a man the way I have wanted my husband to love me.

Our pastor asked my husband how long he'd been attracted to men, and he admitted he'd been into men since he was 11 years old. I asked my husband how he knew at such a young age. And my husband told me that he just knew, and that he and a neighbor boy had been sexual with each other. Our pastor asked my husband how many men he thought he may have had sex with until his last time. My husband said the men had to be in the several hundreds. My husband said that after he'd had sex with his neighbor, he sought out men at park and mall bathrooms. My husband even admitted to having been gangbanged more times than he could remember, and he missed it.

Our pastor asked my husband if the last time he'd sought out a man for sex was really when he was nineteen. My husband shook his head. My husband admitted to going onto Craigslist looking for men to "hook up" with. I asked my husband why he married me, since he was gay. He told me that he felt pressured by his mother and me. And he admitted that he married his first wife, when he was in the military, because they were cracking down on gays, and by getting married that kept him off the military's radar. I asked my husband what he thought when he looked between my legs, when we used to have sex with each other. He told me that my vagina has always looked, to him, like a stab wound that never healed.

Our pastor told us the Christian life is a progressive journey of overcoming the acts of the flesh. He said that Christians are humans, and they are all sinful. He added that many Christians struggle with homosexuality. Our pastor asked my husband if he considered homosexuality a sin, and he said yes. My husband added that he had struggled with his homosexuality his whole life. Our pastor asked my husband what it was about homosexuality that was so strong to have such a hold on him. My husband told me and our pastor that he had always felt that he should have been born a woman. He liked feeling feminine. And he liked the feeling of being with a man, and being loved by a man.

Our pastor asked my husband to tell him about the best day of his life. My husband didn't have to think about it. He told our pastor that he'd met a Navy doctor at a bar, when he was in the military, and this Navy doctor had invited him to his house. The two of them had wine together and the Navy doctor kissed my husband, with tongue, and was oral with him, like a man would be with a woman. Afterward, the Navy Doctor "made love" to my husband for over an hour. My husband said that he dated this Navy doctor for over a year. He said it was the happiest time of his entire life. My husband said he felt like he was the Navy doctor's wife, as well as his lover. And he felt like he, and his life, had purpose, then. Our pastor asked my husband if he thought he could ever feel that way with me. My husband said he didn't know.

Our pastor asked me how I was doing, and I said that, not surprisingly, I was okay. Our pastor asked me if I was sure, and I said yes. Our pastor admitted that I was taking this a lot better than he would in my situation. I told our pastor that nothing had changed between me and my husband, My husband was still my husband, and I still loved him. Nothing had really changed, other than I knew more about my husband than I had before. I told our pastor that my husband's sexuality wasn't our biggest problem, or at least my biggest problem. Our pastor asked me what the biggest problem was, and I told him that my husband wants me to have sex with other men, and now it made a lot more sense, to me, as to why.

I asked our pastor if he'd ever heard of the Mosuo people. He said that, when he was in college, he had read some on them and their culture. I mentioned to him that they had a matrilineal societal view and that the women had as few or as many lovers as they wanted, and no one saw less or more lovers as bed or good but, normal. I included that they may have homosexual men in their community but, no one really cares too much about it, because it is rare and considered that person's thing and no one elses. Our pastor reminded me that the Mosuo people are not Christians. They're Budhist. I brought up that beyond the fact that they were okay with women having multiple partners, they also did not press gender roles. Our pastor reminded me that these Mosuo people are hill people, not part of general society.

Our pastor asked me why I had brought up the Mosuo people. I told him that I had read about them, and although they are not Christian, do have religious beliefs but, have lived for thousands of years in a community that has never seen women having sex with multiple men as off or wrong, and they have survived and sustained themselves, well, for many centuries. I asked our pastor how societies all over the world saw what was wrong and this community, who rarely had any connection with the outside world, could be so sustainable, yet go against everything the rest of the world sees as normal and acceptable.

Our pastor reminded me, again, that the Mosuo people are not Christians, whereas most of the rest of the world subscribes to Christian, moral, teachings. Our pastor reminded us that all things may be lawful but, not all things edify. I told our pastor that I know the scriptures, and I know that immorality is a sin but, does God, will God judge the Mosuo people the same way he will judge us. Our pastor told me that God's law is God's law, and all are his creation. Therefore, sin is sin, no matter where you are or who you are. Our pastor asked me if I was seriously considering having sex with other men. I told him that I know God's laws and his desires through reading the scriptures but, I also have to wonder if how we interpret the scriptures could be wrong.

Our pastor told me that I have been through a lot, and that he understands the confusion I must be feeling. And he told me that I am a good Christian woman and wife. Our pastor told me that my ability to love my husband through all of this is an example of how God has been working through me. Our pastor told me that he is sure that God will guide me in the way I should go, and that his way will be the right way. I told our pstor that I have always put God ahead of everything in my life, and I have heard and read his teaching. And I told our pastor that God has spoken to me in various ways throughout my life. I told our pastor that God works in ways we may never be able to comprehend but, every one of us is judged, by those around us, by how we live. And he agreed.

Our pastor told me and my husband to pray this week, and to try to find out where our love is strongest in our marriage. And that we all have a lot to consider for the week.
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Old 17th June 2016, 01:58 PM   #15
Raymond
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Re: Husband Wants Me To Have Sex With Other Men

Wow Dee Dee God has unearthed a lot through your pastor. You now know the reasons behind your husbands behaviour. I would say God gave your pastor a word of knowledge about your husband's homosexuality.

As the pastor says you now have a lot to think about. I really feel for you but God's arm is not shortened. He will show you the right way if you really want it. I can't get over the insight your pastor had in this case. Not many pastors could deal with it so skillfully.

Do you have another interview with the pastor? Where does it go from here?
Will be praying for you.
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