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Old 10th May 2016, 10:04 PM   #1
CruisingCouple
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Past partners family

Hello,
First post so please be gentle on me. We have been married for a long time 17 years and all in all big picture very happy and very proud with the way our children are developing. Intimate life is a bit dull and I confess I struggle to relax. I have never felt comfotable with my wife keeping in touch with one of her friends who is the sister of a past partner who she was with for a cpl of years. I have always given it a go always welcomed her into our house when she infrequently visits. I thought that my uneasy feelings would go away as I got older but nope if anything its worse. We have discussed it a bit and we never seem to get any where. I even ask myself how I would feel if the tables were turned and I was doing the same but even though I have the oportunity of socialising with my first serious girlfriends brother I would not I just do not think it appropriate. Am I bonkers,unreasonable or normal ?

Any thoughts please. Thanks.

Last edited by CruisingCouple; 10th May 2016 at 10:05 PM. Reason: Cannot spell
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Old 11th May 2016, 10:11 AM   #2
chosen
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Re: Past partners family

Does she have any contact with the past partner though this friendship?
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Old 11th May 2016, 04:55 PM   #3
Raymond
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Re: Past partners family

I understand your concern as your wife's friend is giving a connection to her ex. I would feel the same as you can kind of imagine how they might discuss things. However she might not feel this and just considers this a seperate friendship in an innocent way. Different people can work differently. Certainly mention that you are uncomfortable with it because of the connection but also bear in mind that it might be an innocent thing with her. So long as there is no actual connection with him it should be safe. If there was any connection with him then there could be a red light.

My wife's one time boyfriend now married had been trying to contact her for years. I thought it was a bit off and so did she and madw it plain that the past should be the past. I always felt secure as we have a good marriage and he is also married anyway.
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Old 12th May 2016, 11:36 PM   #4
CruisingCouple
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Re: Past partners family

Hello,
Thank you both for your interest and comments its very kind.

My wife has had no actual contact with her past partner due to keeping in touch with his Sister (her old best friend). There is a bit of a twist to this which I will explain later on!

Yes it is the connection or link that the old friend creates that troubles me I guess. Her friend has mentioned this chap in discussion (again will explain below) which I felt unecessary however my wife has told her now that she does not want to discuss him at all.

Ok the grizzly detail and me being honest!!

The past partner was convicted of "producing" child pornography about a year or so after they spilt up. It was over this incident that her friend talked to my wife about him. She explained that he had been caught sending inappropriate emails to work collegues that got him caught. This in my opinion is what he told her I suspect. In the end he was convicted on about 21 counts and given a jail sentance. Me being a silly nosey old twit googled it and found the local newspaper reports which give the grizzly detail. I knew about his horrible past for some time and I only showed my wife this about 18 months ago and she wept. I felt really sorry for her and cuddled her and no more was said till recently. I suspect that she felt a bit silly and possibly humilliated after telling me not to think all chaps are the same?
She may have also remembered a previous argument that we had when I objected to her meeting her friend at her parents house when she planned to take our children. I of course knew the brothers history and was concerned (understandably I think). My wife has now agreed that she would only meet her friend at our house or a cafe. Thats the yeuky bit.

I guess I should also confess that I have never been great at dealing with my loved ones (serious) past partners. I have always been the same and always will be I guess although my wife will be the only girl in my life now. My feeling towards this do dull off certain aspects of our marriage sadly.

Sorry this is so long and once again thank you for your opinions

Thanks.
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Old 13th May 2016, 09:55 AM   #5
Raymond
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Re: Past partners family

There doesn't seem to be too much danger to your marriage from her ex and she has stated that she wants no contact with him. His disgusting activities make it even more likely that there will be no contact.

As for your sister your wife's old frien, it would be unfair to tar her with the same brush, not that you would. I am sure she recognises too as very wrong the activities of her brother? It would be a shame to ruin a good friendship just because of how her brother is. It would be wrong for any of this to fall on her just because she is his sister.

To be fair I think you should see it that way in spite of what you feel as there is no basis to these feelings as far as I can see. We shouldn't sideline people because of their relatives provided they are not backing the wrong things that their relatives do. If that were not the case it would be different.
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Old 13th May 2016, 07:13 PM   #6
chosen
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Re: Past partners family

I agree with Raymond, I dont think you have anything to worry about. I am still in contact with my ex husband parents and sister and her family, and we see them about twice a year and my husband isnt bothered and always comes as well. I feel its important that myself and my three adult children see them as it not his families fault what he did.
You wife seems to be acting quite appropriately and is clearly listening and taking notice of your concerns.
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Old 13th May 2016, 10:59 PM   #7
CruisingCouple
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Re: Past partners family

Hello chaps and chapesses,
Thank you for replying its always nice to have another opinion or two thank you. My wifes ex's sister is a nice girl I get on with her ok and she is pretty attentive.
Despite this I still do not feel comfy with the link between my wife and her ex and so I guess I will just have to live with that. Posting on here is of course as a result of me feeling rubbish and looking for help. Indeed last weekend my wife texted her old friend and read out her reply saying that I geuss you do not want to know xxxxxx reply but its.............. I did not really.
For now life goes on there is no need for drama life is pretty ok and whatever goes through my mind it never gets conveyed to my children they deserve their parents to be together to get the best out of their education and life. Neither if us had that sadly.

Thank you both again for your comments. All the best bless you. Colin.
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Old 14th May 2016, 08:45 AM   #8
Raymond
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Re: Past partners family

With regard to the left over feeling you say you have to live with Colin. You still have to keep boundaries and your wife needs to respect them. If you don't want to know about things to do with him then she should be able to comply with that. Otherwise you are having to deal with thoughts that you don't really need. God bless.
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Old 14th May 2016, 01:04 PM   #9
TJW
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Re: Past partners family

Quote:
Originally Posted by Raymond View Post
You still have to keep boundaries and your wife needs to respect them.
Amen. You shouldn't have to hear about it from her. As your wife, she should have guarding your feelings as her paramount concern. Over time, you will rightly feel disrespected by your wife. And that is a serious matter before God in a marriage by His word.

Coupled with this quote from you:

Quote:
Intimate life is a bit dull and I confess I struggle to relax.
Those sets of parallel feelings are a recipe for marital disaster, over time.

Last edited by TJW; 14th May 2016 at 01:09 PM.
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