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Old 28th August 2009, 03:15 PM   #1
Rabbit In Headlights
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Feeling Low!

Was all bouyed up by phone message last night as he referred to ringing as phoning home! and sounded a bit down so thought perhaps he was missing me.. Txt him to say I was around this afternoon if he wanted to phone and he did, not only to say he was going to come round and meet my son for lunch and also to let me know he had rented a flat, only for three months.. I was so hoping he'd get turned down on that and it would make him think about coming home! Its bank holiday weekend and Im busy tomorrow but he wouldnt stay as he had commitments sunday and didnt want to drive back up here monday. He was surprised that everything seems to be sorted this end! He tried to organise me to do something which will save him money but I said it would have to wait as he didnt want to get together any other day. His current contract ends at September and he currently doesnt have a job to go to, which is going to cause great financial strain especially is he is paying for a flat as well, thankfully I have an agency interview next week, it would be good to be earning some money that I can feel is mine. When I said I honestly didnt think he'd be coming back every again, he said it was unlikely, so I went on to say that I expect we would have started divorce proceedings by xmas he said xmas was a long way away.. Its mixed messages all the time, I still love him so very much and would just love him to come home but it just looks so unlikely now! Trying to hold back the tears at the moment, how can he ditch nearly thirty years without a blink of an eye! oh and he still insists there is no other woman!
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Old 28th August 2009, 05:54 PM   #2
Sugarplum
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Join Date: Jul 2009
Posts: 52
Re: Feeling Low!

Men rarely throw away what was a happy marriage without there being some external influence, I could understand if there had been violence/ alcohol abuse/ drug addiction or anything destructive in your time together or in mine (32 years together...26 married) to cause a rift. My H still wont admit or deny about OW but I have proof in black and white that she exits in his life and not just in my imagination. He wont admit to her existance because that makes him guilty of being a cheat and his family wont stand for that and at the moment he needs them (he has no friends)because without them he is one lonely pitiful man. I've told his mum and his sisters to "Watch this space" because if he has any intentions of this online affair becoming a real physical relationship then he is going to have to come clean.......then everyone will know how he has been stringing them along making them feel sorry for him and helping him get his house furnished with cast off stuff.
You are doing so well Rabbit and I think what I'm trying to say is dont let him pull the wool over your eyes, you need to be ready if and when you find out there is someone else after all. I really hope that for your sake that there isn't and things go the way you want them to.
Keep strong and above all dont stop telling yourself...."I DID NOTHING TO DESERVE THIS"
Hugz Sugarplum x
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Old 28th August 2009, 07:16 PM   #3
Rabbit In Headlights
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Re: Feeling Low!

Thanks Sugarplum really need those hugz tonight, was cooking tea for myself this week, decided I was going to cook instead of cheating with a ready meal, and nearly cried as I thought I dont think I'll be every cooking for him again! Going to Windsor to watch the FEI International Dressage tomorrow so will be a good day with friends.. Hope you are well to Sugarplum x
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Old 28th August 2009, 09:11 PM   #4
katharine2763
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Re: Feeling Low!

think you all so strong and hope one day to be able to move on. Im sitting on my own in house thinking is this it for ever lonely bored and missing him. iv got friends but they dnt want me there all the time most of them married or in a relationship so a third party feel like im in the way. my best friend is a godsend been phoning and taking me to docs cos tried to drive yesterday and just wanted to drive into wall or other cars . how can one person want to make another feel this way and destroy someones life like this. telling people im fat just rubs the pain in why didnt he say something to me . i wasnt a skinny person when we married admitably iv put weight on but god am i going to show him now helps by not eating anyway . the thought of my life like this for the duration is a very scary thought i hate being by myself always had a busy family and people around it too quiet here now . i keep sinking further into this black hole cant seem to move it
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Old 28th August 2009, 09:34 PM   #5
katharine2763
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Re: Feeling Low!

im sorry you feeling so bad i send a hug to you too
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Old 30th August 2009, 09:51 AM   #6
Rabbit In Headlights
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Re: Feeling Low!

STruggling today not helped by the fact I didnt roll into bed till 2am today as I had gone out with a friend.. Im livid too as the barsteward managed to ruin what had been a lovely day out planned for ages.. Everything all day seem to hit me.. First the fact he had planned to come into the house without me knowing, the fact he was spending time with our son and I so wanted to see him and he wouldnt stay over so I could see him Sunday, I couldnt spend any money as I am never sure whats happening in the bank account as he still access to it and it was good job I didnt as OH paid over £500 of bills without asking me first.. Yes I know they needed paying but we had only agreed the afternoon before not to pay things without saying so first! and it was HIM who moaned even though I told him I would always say so first
he had already done it several times buying new clothes and glasses and renting a flat.. The music was fantastic but so much dug up memories of things we had done togther and it was so hard not to cry.. and knowng I couldnt go home and share how I had just seen a world record breaking performance and how fantastic all the horses were with him. That they he just doesnt seem to give a sh*t about our animals now!
Had to ask my friend into the house as I was so scared of what I would find.. Im have been asked out for dinner at sons girlfriend this afternoon so at least I will have company and a good roast .. but I feel like I am spiralling down now and I had tried so blooming hard to keep my side up and not let him get to me!
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Old 30th August 2009, 04:26 PM   #7
jools
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Re: Feeling Low!

Hi Ladies
I just wanted to lend some words of support. I was where you are now 3 years ago. This site was a godsend. One thing I used to do (which we all do) is try to analyse things that he said or did to look for hopeful signs that he was coming around (emotionally). With hindsight I realise that I was wasting my time as what I saw as "signs" were just random comments or actions that really meant nothing(to him). When they get the urge to move on they'll dress it up in whatever way gives them the easiest ride. So they'll lie, throw out little glimmers of hope, swear blind there's no one else (99% of the time there will be- although at the time I was outraged every time someone suggested that) - but ultimately everything they do and say is feeding their own selfish needs. Even when previously they might have been honest and selfless, this all changes.

It's a long process of healing for those of us left behind. It's only now, in my third year, that I truly feel like my old self. I no longer feel like there's a half missing if I go out alone or eat a meal alone (at home). I still feel sad that my family has been split - it is a sad situation all round (grandparents included). As a person it's been the making of me. I used to rely on him for so much - even though it usually lead to financial ruin! I'm financially independent and am amazed at what I can sort out myself. I've just started filing for divorce (doing that myself too!) All I'm trying to say is (to quote Cher) "I believe in life after love" . And no, there's nothing sad about me now. I've got a lovely new man (seems silly saying "boyfriend" at my age!). Will it last? Who knows? All I know is that my "present" is settled and happy. That's as much as we can aim for really, because all of us on here have learned how unpredictable and fragile our lives are. The pain and sadness that you are feeling now will go away eventually, and what will emerge will be a much stronger you. I just wish I could do more to help.
Lots of love and hugs
Jools XXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXX
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Old 30th August 2009, 07:16 PM   #8
katharine2712
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Re: Feeling Low!

so sorry you are feeling so low rabbit in headlights . i no exactly how you feel. you are being so strong going out ill be glad when i can do that without feeling the urge to run home.
It was good to hear from jools that in time we will get strong i know it feels like it will never happen but one day i hope i can write this and say iv made it too take care
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Old 1st September 2009, 09:34 AM   #9
Rabbit In Headlights
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Re: Feeling Low!

Thanks for all the hugs, had a really crap weekend if I were honest, I have never known it to feel so long even though I was doing things. Saturday I went to Windsor to watch the dressage it was absolutely fantastic watching yet another world record smashed, but I knew H had arranged rather suspectly to meet my son (21) for lunch and I just didnt trust him being in my home when I wasnt there, I felt awful feeling that as since before this all happened he was the most loving trustworthy unlikely to have MLC man in the world! Dressage was to music every piece seem to pull my heart strings about something I had done with H it was sheer torture and I just wanted to cry the whole way through, that I knowing I was going home in the early hours of the morning to god knows what just wrecked the whole day! The note I returned home to had been written by an obviously tired and very grumpy man, every line started with I, my name underlined as if he was making a point, strange as he never uses it when he emails me now. He said he hoped I had a nice day and signed his name no more kisses now. I have swung from hating him to wanting to ring him and scream my love for him down the phone but I have managed not to do either but my hearts aches like crazy today and Im back to not sleeping well, taking two tablets instead of one and waking at six missing him! When I read the last bit he just makes me realise what a barsteward he is being!
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Old 1st September 2009, 12:44 PM   #10
RayCub
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Re: Feeling Low!

Hi Ladies,

Just wanted to lend my love and support and loads of positives vibes to you all.

Jools is SO right; it DOES indeed get better, but it takes time. How much? Who's to say? I'm only six months into my break-up, and I've come SO far. I finally feel whole again and I'm happy. I'm not saying I don't have bad moments, because I do, but that's all they are: moments. I used to be sad and miserable 24/7, and I analyzed his every move and word until my brain was overloaded with mixed messages. And then one day I just stopped. I'm not sure how or why I did, but I did; I just remember thinking that he'd taken so much from me already, and I wasn't willing to give him any more of myself - no more tears, no more sleepless nights, no more worrying about him, no more wishing he would come back...I saved my wishes for myself and my kids from that moment on.

Whenever I would post on this site - and I have NO IDEA what I woud have done without this site!! - and others told me that it would get better, I'd think they were all so far ahead of me and they didn't remember what it felt like or they were just putting me on, or whatever the reason, I just didn't really believe them - the pain was just too unbearable to think it could ever go away. But it did; it HONESTLY did. And yours will too someday...in your own time and at your own pace. Don't rush it, don't deny it, don't gloss over it...just feel what you need to feel when you need to feel it....and then one day you'll wake up and realize:

1. you slept through the night
2. he wasn't the first thing on your mind
3. you're smiling

It'll come. I promise IT WILL COME! In the meantime, keep posting and sharing all those feelings and take all the love and support you can away from this site and from your family and friends wherever you are. And you have my love and support too!

Sending oodles of positive vibes and virtual hugs your way! And a virtual martini or three if you need them as well!!

Raycub
xo
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Old 1st September 2009, 01:45 PM   #11
georgie
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Join Date: Mar 2009
Posts: 424
Re: Feeling Low!

I agree with all that RC and Jools have said. My strategy has been to reach out to all my friends and family and they are coming through for me all the time. Uses your support systems, they know you'd be there for them. I'm nowhere near ready for a new relationship myself, but dont' feel I'm missing one now either. It is so disapointing to see someone you loved and held in high asteem let themselves, their families and you down over and over again, but it is about them not us. Their Crisis, we get sucked in at the begining, but soon find our strength and pull ourselves out of their void. I wish you all so well. You will be OK, you will be happy and fulfilled. I'm not completely there yet, but I'm a long way from the shocked and devasted person that first posted on this site. You are loved and appreciated, every contribution you make to this site touches people and helps people to feel less isolated, take heart from it. Sending you lots of love and supportxxx
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Old 3rd September 2009, 08:37 PM   #12
Rabbit In Headlights
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Re: Feeling Low!

Really struggling! I have been rather down for the last four/five days, was just pulling myself up out of the mud when my son pops in and decideds I need to face facts, facts he obviously thinks he knows cos hes been talking to his dad.. I am losing my relationship with my son as well as my husband now, I cant cope with sons you have to get on and get with the programme attitude I know he is only twenty one but I dont need to know what H is doing Im still trying to hold it all together and not very successfully, son comes back home on monday and I just cant cope with him.. husband is obviously sharing his whole new life with him and son is talking to me like he knows I havent got a cats hope in hell of saving my marriage.. I just dont know what to do Im feeling like Im gonna have to go to docs tomorrow and get some serious tablets to make this pain go away, my sleeping/anxiety ones just arnt cutting it anymore..
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Old 4th September 2009, 09:08 PM   #13
Rabbit In Headlights
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Re: Feeling Low!

Managed this evening to avoid getting into any sticky situations with son when he popped in this evening, lets hope he went home and thought about what I had said last night about not wanting to know about H.. Today has been pretty tough at times but I have managed to get through it and have got plans for the weekend so hopefully will keep me busy and my mind off things.. Best wishes to you all and hope you have a good weekend uninterupted by unpleasant matters.
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Old 4th September 2009, 11:52 PM   #14
katharine2712
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Re: Feeling Low!

thinking of you rabbit in headlights . bad days seem more than good in this life at the mo for both of us. glad you have a good weekend planned keeping busy seems to be the thing to do even if its just an act. telling your son you didnt want to no about x is the right thing even though part of you wants to no everything. i cant wait to hear anything about x at mo dont no why just a hope something will happen that gives me hope but ususallyn pain instead. keep strong i will be thinking of you hugs
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Old 5th September 2009, 10:07 AM   #15
912jws
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Join Date: Mar 2008
Posts: 134
Smile Re: Feeling Low!

Quote:
Originally Posted by jools View Post
I just wanted to lend some words of support. I was where you are now 3 years ago. This site was a godsend. One thing I used to do (which we all do) is try to analyse things that he said or did to look for hopeful signs that he was coming around (emotionally). With hindsight I realise that I was wasting my time as what I saw as "signs" were just random comments or actions that really meant nothing(to him). When they get the urge to move on they'll dress it up in whatever way gives them the easiest ride. So they'll lie, throw out little glimmers of hope, swear blind there's no one else (99% of the time there will be- although at the time I was outraged every time someone suggested that) - but ultimately everything they do and say is feeding their own selfish needs. Even when previously they might have been honest and selfless, this all changes.
Jools is so right and Raycubs comments about not waking up with the other person on your mind first thing are absolutely right, I feel pretty bad at the moment in all honesty because of the way I have been treated this time round, worse than the first time, I was even dreaming of the bloody cow with her new man and I was visiting their new house and she was explaining things to me That shows how stressed out I am

Saying that I picked up the daily mail, I know its sad but I read the stars done by Jonathan Cainer and todays ones seem so relevant to my situation, in fact probably all of our situations, so take these words in -

"Leave it alone. You can't mend it,change it,shape it,bend it, fix it, fiddle with it or do anything of a constructive nature with it. Sorry to be blunt - and its especially sorry to be giving you news you don't want to hear. You are too close to your situation. You want to try every trick in the book but, even if you go out and get a new book, and try every trick in that, and work your way through the entire library, you are still going to be in the same position. The only thing you can do is drop whatever you are so keen to cling to. As soo as you do, everything will start getting sweeter"

Freaky heh But uplifting all the same
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