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Old 22nd December 2014, 03:03 PM   #1
Seb110
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Join Date: Dec 2014
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Mother and wife that hate eachother

I have been married 1 and half years and since my marriage has been so difficult. I have not had a honeymoon period and since day one the marriage has been a disaster.
I have known my wife for 3 years before hand and my family never really welcomed or approved my marriage. My wife’s family rejected my proposal twice and this left a bad feeling from my side. My wife is very much a modern Muslim and there is not much religion in her. She loves the lavish life and since marriage has never adjusted. She wants to be what they call a cosmopolitan wife life with just her husband and believes anything like doing things for my family is backward.
Before we married I said we will live alone, but due to circumstances we had to live with my mum in my house. My wife never wanted this and always fought with me to have her own space away from my mum. She threatened divorce and pressured me to move my mum away. My family have not been too helpful as regards to my mum and my eldest brother who lives mins away does not help with her care. My mum is elderly and as we have no dad I have always cared for her. My mistake was telling my wife we will be alone but I meant this as eventually – but also thought my family will help which they do not. They seem to push my mum onto me and despite all my marital problems no one else comes forward to even help. We stay home majority of the time do not go out and for this my wife resents my mum. My mum can be difficult and does not like me spending any time with my wife as she never really approved of her. She and my wife literally have hatred for each other and we live like 3 people sharing a prison cell at home. This has been on-going a year and things are so bad no one visits and my wife even now has issues with my family coming over. She is rude and even told one of my sisters she is not welcome. She argues with me openly in front of my family, makes it clear no one is to come over, openly shouts for my mum to leave.
She never shows me respect and has hit me before. She threatens divorce on anything from someone visiting but ultimately she wants my mum out of our home. Since she married me she says any right my mum has is gone and this is now her home. My mum and family cannot even move a plate without her kicking off. She makes anyone that comes to visit feel so uncomfortable they do not wish to come again. She shows no respect to my entire family.
My family’s lack of help has meant I have become isolated. My brother has almost washed his hands and says he left the house over to me so its my responsibility. My eldest sister contradicts everything and she did take my mum for 5 months but sent her back. I tried getting family to share reasonability but none offered and my mum didn’t want to move around despite the bad feelings. The issue has got so bad they are not on talking terms, and I have to sell my home and move away. But no one has still offered to help. My families stance is they will not help till house is sold and my mum has her share. My wife wants her own home where no one from my side visits.
She still requests I call her parents and make the effort but she says she doesn’t want to make the effort with my family as she doesn’t like my mum. She feels is she is nice they will take advantage so the only way to get my mum out is be rude to all.
This has broken my family, I fear anyone even visiting and live on egg shells hoping my mum and wife do not kick off. They both it seems want to have a argument to finish the horrible state we all live in. I cannot kick my mum out for my wife who just doesn’t agree with it nor abandon my home and family for her. My mum doesn’t help the situation by almost house locking me so I spend no time with my wife and she doesn’t want to share moving around.

I am a brother who is lost what to do???
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Old 22nd December 2014, 05:34 PM   #2
Raymond
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Re: Mother and wife that hate eachother

Mmm seems a clash of cultures here.

I personally think that a husband and wife should be free to start a new life together without any control from a mother. The prime relationship should be the wife for the husband and the husband for the wife. That is the only way to start married life.

Now this does not mean neglecting needy parents it is just getting the prioroties right. If there is nowhere for the mother to go at least you should have your own quarters within the house somehow which is just yours together with your wife. I can understand your wife's frustration although I don't agree with her bad behaviour. I don't think many wives could start married life like that. One should honour their parents of course but a married couple are entitled to privacy without control from a mother. Obviously it's not working so something has to happen.
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Old 22nd December 2014, 10:52 PM   #3
chosen
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Re: Mother and wife that hate eachother

I think that both your wife and mother are behaving very badly. If you promised that you would live alone after marriage then you have broken your word. I believe that it is vital for a newly married couple to live in their own home and there is NO way that I would ever inflict myself on any of my children in that way.
Surely if you sell the home she can buy her self a small flat in a sheltered housing place for example? If you have other siblings then they need to share her care, but your mother must accept that you are married and that your first priority must always be your wife now. However I have to ask why on earth you married such a controlling and difficult lady, but much of that may be due to the mothers terrible behaviour and her not accepting your new wife. YOu wife must feel very rejected.
So the priority is to get a place of your own, even if its just a small rented apartment to begin with. IF your mother REALLY cant cope alone(how old is she actually?)then you will have to work out a system with your siblings where you can all help, maybe each visiting once or twice a week, and she could also get a carer to go in sometimes if she is that incapable.

I have to say that if my spouse was violent towards me as yours is, there is no way I would stay with them.
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Old 23rd December 2014, 11:39 AM   #4
Raymond
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Re: Mother and wife that hate eachother

I think it depends with regards to violence. She might be very frustrated and might have problems and doesn't know what else to do to make him listen. My wife was violent to me once in the very early days. I don't think it was grounds for divorce. We have a very happy marriage now and she puts me to shame with her love for me and her dedication to others these days.
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Old 23rd December 2014, 01:43 PM   #5
chosen
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Re: Mother and wife that hate eachother

Quote:
Originally Posted by Raymond View Post
I think it depends with regards to violence. She might be very frustrated and might have problems and doesn't know what else to do to make him listen. My wife was violent to me once in the very early days. I don't think it was grounds for divorce. We have a very happy marriage now and she puts me to shame with her love for me and her dedication to others these days.
I suppose it depends on whether it was a one off or whether its far more regular, but if a woman came here whose husband was hitting her, I for one would be advising her to leave, and I wouldnt live with a man who was hitting me.
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