My wife had an 18 month affair

[chosen]

I think you need to have some counselling about this. Can you not bring them up at marriage counselling? If she cant cope with the fact that you are hurting, then something is wrong.You are not being able to be real and honest with her, and that cant be good.

Suppressing negative feelings is very damaigng and one day you may blow or get severe depression(been there done that). Its very draining and tiring to have to hold them in all the time and it will take its toll. Even if you have to go and have some counselling on your own, its got to better than this.

[snowmike]

Thanks for the feedback Chosen. I will be bringing this up in due course at our Relate appointments. I am conscious we are not out of the woods by any means yet.

[Raymond]

I would agree you are not out of the woods yet Snowmike. Moods may go up and down but an up mood doesn't necessarily mean progress. As I said before many do not survive an affair like this. It is quite understandable in these circumstances to divorce. The basis for the marriage to recover is still her repentance and your forgiveness. To be honest I don't see that much repentance or sorrow over the affair from what you have said, which might cause you problems in forgiving. It appears to me your hurt is not being addressed or dealt with by her or anyone else.

What is complicating it is that probably she thinks the original marriage problems were your fault and she might feel vaguely justified over her affair. I don't know. If that is the case she needs to forgive you as well for the marriage to progress.

Forgiveness is common currency in good marriages. Without it bitterness can fester.

[snowmike]

Update time again. Well we have been getting on a little better, but all very surfacy. Still no intimacy and after 4 months from D-day, I am getting a bit fed-up with it all. The anger has reduced and I suppose reality is setting in for me. It seems our needs and wants are somewhat different.......

She just says she is doing her best.... but it isn't enough for me. It doesn't look like we have made much progress and to be honest I am not prepared to wait around for many more months/years for her to (possibly) find her feelings for me again.

I am starting to take the view that I deserve more than she is prepared to give. I am also coming to terms with the fact that there are plenty more fish in the sea, so at the moment that is the way things are going - in my head anyway. I still feel sad and emotional about the whole situation, but I feel I am reaching the end of my grief for what we once had, which she has said was next to nothing. No matter the reasons behind it all, with little response from my wife, it feels like we are approaching the end-game. Maybe it is for the best? It seems that sometimes things just don't work out.

[chosen]

snowmike are you still having some marriage counselling?

[snowmike]

No, i said at the last session that i didn't see much hope for the relationship and didnt book another session after the Easter break.

[chosen]

Originally Posted by snowmike

No, i said at the last session that i didn't see much hope for the relationship and didnt book another session after the Easter break.

WHat did the counsellor think of what was happening?

[snowmike]

She said it was our choice. She seemed to side a little with my wife, which made me a little uncomfortable. To be honest, we didn't get a lot out of the councelling. At most it gave us a space in which she faciltated calm discussions.

My wife has done little to fix the damage she has caused. I think in her eyes the bomb she threw into our marriage was a very small one. To me it was a nuclear bomb.

I told her last night that I am done. It's over and I want to move on. As often happens it degenerated into an argument where we both said hurtful things to each other - me usually leading this due to the ongoing hurt that I feel.

Thisd morning she asked me not to "fight" with her. I said I wouldn't. Before we left separately for work, she asked me if I wanted here to stay out of the way tonight. I responded that it is over and she needs to let me move on. I said I don't want to talk and just blanked her a bit.

Half an hour after leaving the house I get a text message saying "I'm not ready to give up on this marriage yet! You might be but I'm not. xo"

I haven't replied and am not going to. It seems that whenever I take a tougher stance she softens up. When I get a message like this it gives me a little hope, but then I think NO, I have decided to move on.

What do I do? Continue the tougher stance and hold out to see if she starts to do some proper fixing - some heavy lifting - wow that would make a change. This makes me think back to what Forever posted a couple of months back..... maybe I have just been too much of a patsy..... and she has been taking advantage of me.

[chosen]

It really makes no difference what she thinks or wants to do does it. Its what you want to do that mattere here. She isnt calling the shots(or shouldnt be!)
As I see it all you can do it to write down the boundaries and conditions that you want for the marriage to carry on, if you still want to give it a chance. If you feel you cant(and who can blame you) then you need to be firm and just tell her.

If that counsellor was seen to be supporting your wife, then she was the wrong counsellor. An 18 month affair(or any affair) is a nuclear bomb. If she is trying to avoid taking full responsibility and trying to minimise what she did, its hard to see it really progressing.

I think you need to decide what YOU want to do and stick with it. Its not for her to decide whether the marriage has a future, she was the one who destroyed what you had.

[snowmike]

I wanted to rebuild the marriage - a new, better marriage. I made that clear from the beginning and held out an olive branch on two/three occassions. I never said it would be easy and of course it required my wife to fix what she had broken. She didn't do that and every time we discussed this issue she just said she was doing her best. I have told her many times it is not enough and she says that it is up to me to decide what I want to do. This has made me think that she doesn't want to be the one that ends the marriage - possibly because of the way our (grown-up) sons may take this.

Because she never properly tried to fix what she broke, I have not been able to get over the hurt and betrayal and this leaves me mentally aching. As recently as last week, she said her feelings for him have not reduced. She has said her feelings for me have not returned yet. Although I sometimes see the old bubbly, good natured person my wife is/was and she is trying to "get on" with me, she shows me no affection and often sleeps in a different room than me - she says because of my snoring (which is quite loud).

I think I will play it pretty cool and show little emotion/affection towards her and see how it develops. I am getting tired of trying - if she wants to try now, maybe it is time for me to sit back and let her try.

Thanks for your support.

[Raymond]

I agree with Chosen. Adultery is a marriage nuclear bomb. If she is trying to minimise this she hasn't much idea of what marriage is. I don't know what page she is living on. Faithfulness is essential in marriage. If that is broken only repentance (plus forgiveness) fixes it. You haven't had that Mike so it is understandable that you are having problems in the forgiveness area.

As I said before we have not seen anthing like repentance happen. To rub salt in the wounds and say that you still have feelings for the other person is not fixing anything. Personally I think she is being far too passive about it and thinks things will just happen without any effort. They won't. She has to fix it if she wants a marriage. We are not slaves to our feelings. We have a will as well and that is an essential part of it as well.

[Forever]

If she had been remorseful about the affair, she would have been crawling all over you within a week of having broken the affair off...or sooner if you had indicated that you were willing to have her that way...after all, she had no problem bedding down both of you at the same time for 18 months...so I do not buy that crap about her feeling "soiled" in some way or needing to find her feelings for you first.

There is an old saying that "I will sit down, but inside I AM STILL STANDING UP"! This is rebellion, and her not taking any initiative to meet your deepest needs is all the evidence you need that she is only concerned about herself in this whole equation. She's been buying time because of being caught and not liking the inside of a hotel room...as well as the embarrassing fallout of your son's finding out about her. I suspect that someone told her...or she quickly figured it out, that you do not have the legal right to throw her out of a home jointly owned. Coming back home only to have you attempt to throw her out again will somehow vindicate her in her own mind that she was right to have had that affair..."See, I tried, but he is a jerk and look what he is doing to me after I have repented"! She has NOT repented from the heart.

There are two ways you can handle this:

Right now, she is scared about how she will survive w/o you giving her a sizable chunk of your income. How about putting that to the test? Offer her X amount of money for monthly support to leave and see if she takes you up on that...and tell her that otherwise, that you require her to sleep with you and get the physical aspects going again immediately...after all, she DID text you saying she was not "ready" to give up on the marriage...which might only mean financially. Go out and buy some earplugs and put them on her side of the bed...they work wonders for drowning snoring.

If she allows for sex rather than taking the money, see how long that lasts and the quality of it...you might also be surprised that it will be difficult for you to perform since this is NOT what she wants and you will sense it. At best, I suspect that she will rebel and only throw you a bone when she absolutely has to...or decide that she cannot do even that and take the money instead of experiencing more of the same.

The other way is this: (this is what I would do because I am more concerned with keeping my God given dignity)

If you are still interested in saving the marriage, you must become as cold as ice...a gentleman, but cold even so...not so much as a smile...make your eyes "hard" and vacant whenever they meet hers...but still, be a gentleman as you would to any stranger...that way, she cannot accuse you of mistreating her too. ASK FOR NOTHING, REFUSE ANY DISPLAY OF AFFECTION until she breaks and begs you for it...even then, make sure it is minimal and lackluster. Make her grovel endlessly as you have had to do. This will bring everything to a head and settle this once and for all. If there are even the slightest feelings left inside of her for you, she will find them...if not, you will at least know that you have tried everything to bring her back around. I would give this a couple of months, saying NOTHING about divorce, moving out or separating...then if there is no response (true remorse and affection) YOU file for divorce and get on with finding a good woman who is thrilled to have you.

[Forever]

So if you decide to take the option #2...this is what it should look like:

NEVER talk about the affair...refuse to. And do NOT talk about separating or divorce.

Start going to the gym and working out every evening...take your time there and even have a shower before returning home.

Change your diet to a more healthy one...do your own grocery shopping.

Go to other events of interest and do NOT announce your comings and goings.

Keep your cell phone on you at all times.

If she texts to ask you where you are and when you are returning...answer her truthfully and BRIEFLY.

Start dressing differently and wearing nice cologne when leaving the house.

Eat your meals sitting in your recliner rather than at the table with her...cook your own food if she does not have it ready when YOU want to eat.

Do your own laundry.

Don't start a conversation...if she does, answer questions using only one word if possible...otherwise just say "I don't know" or "I would have to give that some thought".

If she tries to rope you into an argument, get up and leave the room...if she persists, leave the house and dont come home that night. Tell her that there will be no arguments worth having.

Don't look at her, don't compliment her...but thank her if she does something for you as you would anyone else.

Get back to your computer and contacts in your area of interest and limit that time to one hour a day...but do not go on dating sites or anything remotely like that.

Cancel all credit cards...get one in your name only. When she asks why you did that, tell her "I do not like the interest that I am paying".

Do NOT ask her if she wants to go out or do something together! If she asks you, politely decline and say you will have to take a "rain check".

If she tries to initiate affection, be "limp" and unresponsive (do not embrace her...leave your arms hanging down)...if she asks what is wrong, tell her that your feelings no longer seem to be "on board".

If she manages to seduce you into sex, make it last just long enough to get yourself off and do not cuddle...instead, get up immediately and have a healthy snack. Do not ask if it was "good for you" or thank her in any way.

If she asks if you wish for her to leave...tell her that is entirely up to her, but inform her that you wont be able to support her if she decides to.

If she claims to be the only one putting out any effort...tell her that you "are trying your best".

If she starts going out herself or otherwise making you feel as if all is lost...IGNORE it and ask no questions...make NO comments.

If she leaves, she was never serious about doing her part to make any concessions to remedy the breach in the marriage...and you are now off to a good start for your own future.

You are supporting her financially...you should be getting far more for those contributions and efforts especially after her affair and lame "efforts" to keep the marriage...like a loving wife for starters, and plenty of sex too. If she does not grovel to the point of being willing to do that without you asking her to, she is simply using you to stay under the roof...so make a new life for yourself whilst she does, right out in the open and in her face.

NOW you will be in the driver's seat at last.

[snowmike]

thanks for your long, thoughtful reply.

[Forever]

Your welcome. I was waiting to see if there would be any REAL progress...meaning that she would start considering your needs. I am of the opinion that you are going to have to do something drastic to bring all this to a head to see if there is anything really left in her heart worth holding out hope for.

You have probably heard of the "180" thing haven't you? Well, most try that when their spouse is already gone...very ineffective by then, and usually it is a relief to the erring spouse to get them off their backs...by the time they leave...they ARE done. But your wife just said she was not ready to end the marriage...so that indicates she is either afraid of financial reprocussions in doing so (it is an inconvenience to her)...or there may be something she craves in having a man who stands up for himself and refuses to be a door mat...whilst being a perfect gentleman at the same time.

You know her best. I realize that this is all too painful for you to have implemented in the beginning, and may seem like the wrong thing to do. But experience here shows it to be better than doing what is natural...which is groveling, giving space, crying, stalking, begging, or otherwise making the erring spouse the focus of all your attention. For all intents and purposes, this cannot be done when you are in such a sorry state...but rather, when you REALLY have had enough and are ready to move forward...because it might end that way anyway. You have nothing to lose.

Your call...your life.
Best Wishes