My wife had an 18 month affair

[Raymond]

Just an example of a christian finding it hard to forgive.

How do I forgive when I can’t?

"For if you forgive other people when they sin against you, your heavenly Father will also forgive you. But if you do not forgive others their sins, your Father will not forgive your sins."
Matthew 6:14-15, NIV

Some years ago I came to the place where I felt completely unable to forgive. Somebody close to me had hurt me deeply, breaking my trust through betrayal and broken promises. I found myself saying to God, “I’ll do anything for You, but don’t ask me to forgive, I can’t do it!”

I continued to pray and read my Bible, but something wasn’t the same. I felt distant from God, as if something was getting in the way when I tried to connect with Him.

Around the time this was happening, I’d moved to a new area, and hadn’t been going to church. I felt convicted to attend, and as I found there was a large charismatic church in the nearest city I decided to try it.

The preacher began his sermon with Matthew 18 - the Parable of the Unmerciful servant. He was preaching that we had to forgive everyone, for everything. I felt quite angry at this, and didn’t even stay for the final hymn.

The next Sunday I decided to try a different church, in another nearby town. I couldn’t believe it when I discovered the sermon was on Matthew 6 - The Lord’s Prayer – which teaches us to pray ‘forgive us our debts in the same way as we have forgiven our debtors!’ The preacher explained that we need to forgive if we want to be forgiven by God. I couldn’t stand listening to it, and again left early.

Following these two encounters, I wanted to choose the next church very carefully! I felt that the nearby ‘sleepy’ Methodist church would be just the thing. By 11 am there were only a dozen people in church, most of them elderly ladies in their eighties wearing felt hats! A very aged Methodist minister was helped into the pulpit, and as he prepared to speak I noticed some of the elderly ladies beginning to doze off – I felt reassured that this wouldn’t be too challenging!

He opened his message with the words: “I want to teach this morning on how to forgive when you can’t”. I couldn’t believe what I was listening to - the third sermon in three weeks on forgiveness! But this sermon was different.

He began by explaining that within our own selves (independent of God) we have no resource with which to forgive. We need to ask God to come supernaturally and fill our empty forgiveness tanks with His spirit of forgiveness. Having received this empowerment from God, we are then able to release our forgiveness to those people who have hurt us the most. Apart from Him we can do nothing!

Secondly he taught that forgiveness is not a transaction between us and the person who has hurt us, but it’s a transaction between us and God. Forgiveness is an act of obedience on our part – if we don’t obey this command then our relationship with God suffers and we end up in prison ourselves. We must look upon the face of God when working through forgiveness, rather than seeing the face of the person who has hurt us.

Finally he explained that we need to release those who have hurt us, from our judgement. We must let go of our ‘right’ to judge, and hand them over to God, trusting that He alone is the righteous judge of all men. We can’t (and don’t) pardon them for what they have done (only God can do that), but we forgive and release them into God’s hands.

The preacher then said, “I believe that there’s someone here this morning who knows that they need to forgive, but they don’t know how to do it. I would like to pray with you.”

I went forward and knelt at the altar with this old man, as he helped me to understand how to forgive. I sobbed for nearly an hour as I worked through it all, and finally I experienced the freedom that full forgiveness brings. I was then able to pray blessing into the life of the person who had hurt me and discovered that I had let myself out of prison!

I am so thankful to this Methodist minister, and to God, who had been so patient with me. He went to such lengths to help me forgive and enter into the freedom that forgiveness brings. I still remember what happened to me, but when the memories surface they no longer have the power to trigger pain or anger, because I’ve received inner healing from Jesus. When God forgives us He chooses to remember our sins no more.

Prayer: Father, will You help me today to list all the people that I need to truly and completely forgive? Will You come and fill my empty forgiveness tank with Your spirit of forgiveness, so I can release forgiveness to all those who’ve hurt me. I love You and choose to be obedient to You in forgiving others, as Your Word teaches me to do. Please come and bring healing to all the wounds I’ve received, and all the pain I’ve been carrying, especially where I’ve been hurt by those closest to me. In Jesus’ mighty name, Amen.

Today's Writer : Jill Southern-Jones - Ellel Ministries

[chosen]

Jill Southern is a fantastic teacher, and I have heard her tell that story in person. She helped my son to be able to forgive someone who had hurt him very very badly.

Another thing that she says, is that forgiveness isnt letting the other person off the hook, its taking them off our hook and putting them onto Gods hook. That one statement helped me more than any other to understand forgiveness.

Thanks Raymond..

[Raymond]

That's very interesting Chosen.

[snowmike]

I am coming to realise that if I truly love my wife (as I do) then I must forgive her. I have decided this is what I must do.

We have another Relate appt. tomorrow so we will see what comes out of that.

[chosen]

I hope it goes well.

[Raymond]

I do as well. Keep talking. There is a lot more to come out of this. Forgiveness is the way forward but I feel you still need to stick to your initial posture of one more betrayal and she's out. You cannot compromise on that but I do hope there will never be a need for that and that you can build to where you both need to be.

[snowmike]

Update - lots of downs and a few ups. We are still having arguments and loads of hurt and anger keep emerging - lots of triggers. Anger has increased on her side which doesn't help. One day I want to R, the next day I want her to leave - it really is that up and down - still.

She says I am sabotaging the R (because of my anger and inability to keep my mouth shut at the smallest trigger) - based of course on how she wants things to proceed. I have explained this is certainly not intentional. I said we are going to have to do things differently as currently it is not working, she initially said no, but I think realised the sense in what I was saying.

Sleeping in separate beds this week. Not speaking or seeing each other in order to give us both some space - at her request. "Meeting up" again on Friday evening. I am missing her to be honest - wish she felt the same way....

Made some good progress with Relate this week - I went on my own as the previous week was very argumentative. Counsellor was very understanding of my feelings and views. She wants to speak to my wife on her own at next appt. 2 weeks away. She has determined that wife IS tied up with Guilt and has some unreasonable expectations. Thank god a professional is seeing things the way I do!! This helps me feel a bit better. She has also explained to me the damage my anger is doing to the Reconciliation and that has also helped.

Will be doing everything possible to make this weekend go well and try to establish a calmer base from which to work. My anger is reducing, or maybe I am starting to control it better. It is all such hard work and I still feel very unhappy inside. Ho hum - just have to keep going and keep my eye on the long game and end-goal.

[Raymond]

It's a bit of a cocktail Anger and Guilt. In a way it is a good thing that she feels guilt over her affair but she might have a problem receiving the forgiveness you are offering to put an end to it and start a new beginning. I suppose she might not think it is real if you are still getting angry over it.

You are obviously working through different things connected to the affair. I am glad your counselor sees the problem. You are still working towards forgiveness by the sound of it but might still have the attitude that she owes you. Forgiveness will try to put that aside by cancelling the debt and assuring the one that needs forgiveness that they are forgiven. This doesn't undermine the wrong of what she did. That was very wrong but if the marriage is to continue then forgiveness must operate.

If the guilt continues there may be a spiritual problem as well, as some do not feel forgiven until they receive that from God as well. That's just another angle.

[snowmike]

When I try to analyse my feelings, I realise I am experiencing deep hurt (of course). Sadness - there are times I feel deeply unhappy and am unhappy most of the time these days. I also have feelings of resentment for what she did and the duration. I am frustrated and impatient at how long it is taking to get anywhere or make any real progress. I am disappointed with my wife's response to the whole situation. There are a lot of negatives in there, but then what else would one expect in this situation?

I suppose I feel it is up to my wife to help me deal with the anger and that has not started to happen yet. I think/know my anger is a barrier to us making progress. My wife had checked out of our marriage a couple of years back, but she never told me. This is one of the reasons why the affair is being looked at from such different perspectives. She is angry at me for letting (in her eyes) our marriage fail, prior to the affair. Of course we all know it takes 2 to make and 2 to break, but some people aren't good at seeing things like that.....

I am starting the path towards forgiveness, but that seems a long road for me at the moment. I think I need to come to terms with my feelings before I can forgive. I really need her to help me with that. I need her to show me she really wants to fix things. Sadly, I don't know if that will ever happen. I may have to try and do it without her help - this is a very unhappy situation.

[Raymond]

What happened would break a lot of marriages Snowmike. No doubt it is hard to come back from where you have been. I went through one stage earlier on in my marriage where I thought of the scripture where it said love your enemies. It can't get any worse than that. I felt there were no redeeming factors at all and that I would just have to love her anyway. That got me through and apparently she needed a lot of spiritual help coming down from a gypsy background on her grandfathers side as it turned out.

I know that your situation is completely different but there are times with God's help where the good has to come from you as there is no input coming from the spouse. It is a case of reaching out to someone who has kicked you in the guts. That is very difficult and nobody is asking you to do that on your own, but someone has to start the fire. Waiting for the other could be forever.

Wives basically need love and that was what she was looking for albeit out of the marriage. It needs to be in the marriage, obviously.

Why not try finding out what her love language is or do you cringe at that? Have we spoken about this before?

[chosen]

Snowmike. I have the utmost admiration for anyone who can stay in a marriage after such a long period of cheating and lying. I know that I could not do it, and even if I did, I know that it would take me years and years to forgive, trust again and for my hurt and anger to fade. I would certainly need a long time of seperation and healing and reflection before I could consider going back.
SO dont be hard on yourself. You are in the very very early stages of all this.

I am wondering if she is truly repentant if she is still trying to blame you for why she cheated. True repentance is taking the full blame for what you did without blaming anyone else for your own bad decisions and bad choices. No matter what the marriage is like, we can still chose to be faithful.

[snowmike]

Update time.
Lots of ups and downs still, but getting a little better I think. Some days I am almost despairing and other days i feel real hope. What a helter skelter of emotions..... I have shed many tears and move to tears very easily these days. I try to hide this from my wife, unsucessfullly some times. This may be a sign of some degree of depression which I will discuss with my Doctor this Friday. I took chest pains Friday week ago and had to have an ECG (all clear) but was told my blood pressure was high for the first time.

We had a good meeting at Relate this morning so I do feel we are making some slow progress, but it is only because I am biting my tongue and really clamping down hard on my feelings of hurt and anger. I am trying to create the conditions under which my wife will (really) start to fix what she broke.
In the Relate appt today, I was able to say that I felt there were 2 major issues we had to deal with. First, our marriage had got into a rut, about which I accepted my responsibility for that but stated that this was also my wife's responsibility. Secondly her affair, which I stated was 100% her responsibility. We also discussed things such as equality and the fact that we could not have one rule for me and a different one for her. Also that I have had feelings of rejection for a very long time due to her dislike of my mother and her always being the controller of our sexual relationship, which often reduced to 2 or 3 times per month.

As usual, thanks for your feedback and support Raymond and Chosen - it means so much to me and bolsters me, as sometimes my chin drops....

There is still no intamacy but my wife says this is because we have not re-established our relationship yet, so we will see what materialises once we start to enjoy each others company a bit more. I am truly learning the meaning of the word patience!!

Chosen, part of the reason why I can "stay" is because I realise that I played a significant (although unintentional) role in my wife checking out of our marriage - this is in no way an excuse for what she did, just a fact. In this respect I have some understanding of what happened. I continue to take the long view, but we have both been very near the edge of throwing in the towel and it is very hard work. But you make a very good point about her bad choices. I am using my love for my wife, to give her the benefit of the doubt on that one - I am content to do this if it means we can rebuild things. We both consider our old marriage dead and gone - good riddance to it.....

I take comfort in the fact that we are still both together as this shows the underlying desire and intent.

[Raymond]

All you can do is press on Snowmike. If she is working on the marriage as well you should make it. As you say I think it is good that you both put the past behind you. You are both learning a lot about marriage which should pay off in the end.

Really it is a miracle that you are both together after what happened. If you can get through this you can get through anything. I hope the sex comes back soon although I know you cannot force it. It shouldn't stay like this for too long. I admire what you are trying to do.

[chosen]

I too admire you snowmike I doubt that I could do what you have done. She is a very very lucky lady not to have lost everything.

[snowmike]

Had a good week and weekend. She cuddled up beside me a few times on the settee while watching TV, so some warmth starting to return. Quite encouraging!

But I can't ignore the elephant in the room - it fills half the room!

Assuming things continue to improve, at some point I am going to have to come to terms with my opposite feelings - love and resentment, caring and the betrayal. I still feel hurt and anger, humiliation, disrespect, sadness, etc.

I have been hiding these feelings and putting them out of my mind in order to create the conditions for what is now starting to occur - the rebuilding of our relationship and some closeness. This is now working (a bit)!

How does one deal with these feelings and emotions? How do I work through them and come to terms with them and then get past them? At the moment, I have multiple triggers per day and as soon as they occur I use will-power to put them out of my head and force myself to think of something else. Obviously this is not dealing with them, but it is achieving an objective. I still need to deal with these feelings so as they do not arise all the time going forward. I can't live with the thought that I may have these feelings in 2/5/10 years time.

Any thoughts?