I'm worried my wife might be cheating

[thomaswomas]

I have been married for nearly 5 years but I have actually been with my wife for nearly 20. I am starting to worry that she might be seeing someone else. Over the past few months she has seemed very uninterested in any emotional connection between us whether it be mental or physical. She gives off the vibe that she just isn't interested. We have probably had sex about 5 times since the start of the year. We even had a couple of holidays over the past 2 months to try and get away from everything and we didn't touch each other once. The last time we had sex was about 3 weeks ago and it was a while before that too.

But then a few days ago I found a used pregnancy test in our bin which was negative. We tried to have a baby through IVF last year with no joy and have been told by a specialist that we pretty much have zero chance of conceiving naturally due to a fault with me. So I can't see why she would need to take a test unless she has slept with someone else.

She has cheated on me once before we were married. I found messages on her phone from a man and it turned out that she was seeing him whilst I was away working and he was spending time in my house. I confronted her about it and we worked through it but it changed the way I saw her and I'll be honest in saying that I've never felt like I could trust her the way I could before I found out.

Then I found more messages from a different guy who used to be my friend but we lost touch and he later became her friend. They were talking about how they 'opened up' to each other during walks in the woods etc. She denied any wrong doing on this occasion and I believed her.

But then there was another time where I checked her messages one night and there were some from one of her male friends. Nothing bad but what followed made me suspicious. She walked into the room, picked up her phone for a moment then put it down and walked out. I checked it again and the messages were deleted but all other messages from anyone else were still there. It's as if she didn't want me to see the messages from her male friend.

I recently lost my dad and have naturally needed a little bit more from her lately so part of me is thinking that I may just be over reacting and everything is fine. But then I can't understand the pregnancy test and she is definitely not being as affectionate as she usually is. She has always been a touchy feely person who needs regular hugs and kisses but she just doesn't seem bothered about any of that lately.

Should I have concerns or am I being worried about nothing and being paranoid?

Thanks in advance for any advice

Shaun

[Raymond]

The straightforward answer that occurs to me is that I wouldn't know.

From what you have described there doesn't seem any infallible proof. The most suspicious thing to me is the deleting of texts but leaving the other ones. I don't see that anyone reading this on here can say without doubt that she is cheating but there is enough there to be suspicious. It would be unfair to say she is definitely cheating but I think you should keep your antenna up. If you want to be really sure give her enough rope to drop her guard and you will probably find out for sure. That is give her the sense you are not aware of anything and act normal.

I hope for your sake she is not cheating. Certainly do not confront her until you fully know as you will just push her underground if she is or be really offended if she isn't. There may be perfectly legitimate answers to her behaviour so I would say you need to observe a bit longer.

[thomaswomas]

Thank you for the input and advice. I do agree that there is nothing concrete to say she is up to anything. I think I am just being very suspicious because of the way she has been acting lately and it's taking me right back to when I found out that she had cheated. She acted very similar then. Plus, those occasions I mentioned where I found messages were the only times I tried to find anything. That makes me wonder whether there are other times that I haven't known about. Or is it just a coincidence? I don't make a habit of checking on her all the time and wish that I never had the urge to. I hate the fact that I am suspicious of her at all and really want to trust her the way I used to.

I also think that some of her male friends over step the mark in my eyes which gets my back up and creates tension. For example, the guy who's messages she deleted sent her messages when we were on our honeymoon 'jokingly' telling her to cut her honeymoon short cos he needed a shoulder to cry on after he had some relationship trouble of his own. The day we arrived home she couldn't get round to his house quick enough and left me to unpack and take care of all the house chores even though I had just driven a 6 hour drive home from the airport in the early hours of the morning whilst she slept the whole way. We had a massive row as she left the house instead of enjoying being home and feeling great after the amazing trip we just had together.

She has always been a flirty type of person with a lot of male friends. However, a lot of those friendships usually end with the guy telling her how much he loves her and wants to be with her. But before that happens I get accused of being jealous if I have any problem with those friendships. That topic has always been an issue with our relationship until the past few years when I just gave up saying anything to avoid more rows.

But when we are close we are great together. She is my best friend and my soul mate and it would kill me if I new she was seeing someone else again. I'll definitely be keeping my antenna up but I just hope it's me being overly sensitive right now.

[chosen]

I hope she isnt but from what you have said she has no real boundaries with other men which is dangerous. flirting is also very wrong. Trouble is that one a person had cheated, they will often do it again.