I really messed up...need help - Page 4 - 2-in-2-1 Discussion Forums

chosen · 31st March 2016, 09:52 AM

Maybe you can send her a letter or email fully explaining your decision not to support the divorce and why, would help. Then she knows exactly where you are coming from. I honestly dont think that you not supporting the divorce is going to stress her out, going through a divorce while pregnant would be far far more stressful. Ask her to pray about it all, and ask her to commit to marriage counselling. Maybe she would go and see the pastor with you?

Raymond · 31st March 2016, 12:43 PM

I think you are right in her needing time to heal from the upset. Some cannot forgive straight away but can come to it over time. I agree as well that the pastor's advice was good which is what we have been saying but he also sees something about her, probably where she needs help. I think it is good to take his advice about her mother. If the mother sees the change in you and the repentant attitude that you have had I think it can influence things for good.

mcsjr2 · 31st March 2016, 02:35 PM

What I said was dumb, stupid, cruel and devastating. I still don't see why that's the final straw. I don't see how it's equivalent to cheating. Am I that far off base?

chosen · 31st March 2016, 06:10 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by mcsjr2

What I said was dumb, stupid, cruel and devastating. I still don't see why that's the final straw. I don't see how it's equivalent to cheating. Am I that far off base?

no its not the same as adultery.You said something stupid, but we all do that occasionally when we are hurt and angry. I am sure that she has said things that have hurt you in the past.

mcsjr2 · 31st March 2016, 08:12 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by chosen

no its not the same as adultery.You said something stupid, but we all do that occasionally when we are hurt and angry. I am sure that she has said things that have hurt you in the past.

I have a daughter from a previous relationship. I went through allot and currently don't get to see my daughter nearly as much as I would like because her mother is very mean to say the least...while my wife and I were engaged she told me "that's why you don't see your daughter " during an argument. She knew of everything I'd been through and hurt me very badly with that statement. Not only did I forgive her but I married her...I don't understand why my transgressions always equal a death sentence to our marriage for her.

chosen · 1st April 2016, 03:58 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by mcsjr2

I have a daughter from a previous relationship. I went through allot and currently don't get to see my daughter nearly as much as I would like because her mother is very mean to say the least...while my wife and I were engaged she told me "that's why you don't see your daughter " during an argument. She knew of everything I'd been through and hurt me very badly with that statement. Not only did I forgive her but I married her...I don't understand why my transgressions always equal a death sentence to our marriage for her.

yes its not really fair is it. It seems that she isnt really committed to making this marriage work and to sticking with it through good and bad.

mcsjr2 · 1st April 2016, 01:19 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by chosen

yes its not really fair is it. It seems that she isnt really committed to making this marriage work and to sticking with it through good and bad.

We run the risk of spending tons of money that's not necessary. I run the risk of having to quit my very good job and having to go back to her hometown and working for minimum wage, staying in hotels or cheap apartments just to be in our child's life. I know I screwed up and I broke so many promises that she feels she can't trust me anymore but I can only get better and I know what's at stake...I know I will be better and I just need her to understand. I guess saying all this on the forum doesn't help my situation. I'm praying so hard for a miracle. I ask that you all pray for us too...I would really appreciate it.

mcsjr2 · 4th April 2016, 06:43 PM

We had our 16 week appointment today for the pregnancy and found out we are having a girl...my wife treated me like I was nothing to her...I was so hurt and I feel like she's lost all love for me. I spoke with her mom last week and she's also in agreeance that what I said was the most terrible awful thing she's heard...I know I messed up and I've beat myself up enough but did I say something so bad that weeks later she still unwilling to forgive me and divorce is inevitable???? She's also very upset with my mom and refuses to speak to her because my mom told her that I wouldn't have said anything that bad had I not been very upset...of course my wife took that to mean my mom condoned what I said...I was feeling good at the beginning of the day but now I feel awful.

chosen · 4th April 2016, 08:30 PM

Its seems that you wife and her mum dont follow Gods instruction to forgive. You mum is right, we do say things we regret when we are upset. You have said sorry enough times, they must now decide whether they will obey God or not.

mcsjr2 · 4th April 2016, 08:39 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by chosen

Its seems that you wife and her mum dont follow Gods instruction to forgive. You mum is right, we do say things we regret when we are upset. You have said sorry enough times, they must now decide whether they will obey God or not.

Her mom forgave me but she was sure to let me know that she will never forget what I said. My wife on the other hand can't forgive me...its like she thinks she created the baby all by herself and she doesn't need me anymore. I've been through this before in a previous relationship and I'm so afraid of going through it again...I'm so afraid of what I will do to myself. I've been praying for God's help but as of now nothing which I know has to come in God's time...I'm going to keep trying but it's hard to not see what could come of this..

chosen · 4th April 2016, 10:19 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by mcsjr2

Her mom forgave me but she was sure to let me know that she will never forget what I said. My wife on the other hand can't forgive me...its like she thinks she created the baby all by herself and she doesn't need me anymore. I've been through this before in a previous relationship and I'm so afraid of going through it again...I'm so afraid of what I will do to myself. I've been praying for God's help but as of now nothing which I know has to come in God's time...I'm going to keep trying but it's hard to not see what could come of this..

Your wife has free will to end the marriage even though she would be disobeying God if she did.
My advise to you is
1) get involved in a good friendly local church,
2) dont do anything to enable the divorce
3)pray and ask others to pray that your wife will see sense
4) get some good legal advise in case she does go through with it as to the child and finances
5) be the best dad you can to your other children.

Whatever happens, God will bring good out of it. My husband prayed and fasted one day a week for a year to save his first marriage when they were separated. They did get back together but she then met another man and divorced him. OK you may say that it wasnt what he was praying for, but not long after that we met and we have now been happily married for over 10 years, when his first marriage was never very happy. So good can come of horrible situations.

Raymond · 5th April 2016, 11:08 AM

One could add to those who trust God and are called according to His purpose.

And we know that all things work together for good to those who trust God to those who are the called according to His purpose. Rom 8:28

As you trust God as best as you can in this situation He has promised to work it together for good.

mcsjr2 · 8th April 2016, 02:21 AM

Hello everyone, I wanted to touch bases with the forum again for some advice. We've talked before about the merits of making a divorce amicable and I clearly understand everyone's position based on your strong beliefs in marriage and not divorce. I talked with a therapist today and he offered a suggestion contrary to what we've previously discussed. Since the root problems of my marriage is based strictly on my tendacy to become overly emotional and to constantly fight...wouldn't it work better if I didn't "fight" my wife on her wishes and at least agree to making things easier?? He was suggesting that showing her more fight from me will only confirm her current feelings towards me and anger her even more making the overall situation worse. But, if I showed her a change in my approach it could actually work out favorably. He even told me of the countless number of times where he counseled couples going through similar situations where one spouse wanted to fight the divorce and it only ended up worse off. I want to change for the better and not fight my wife all the time and this would be a good way of showing her I'm willing and trying to make changes.

I am so confused and I'm not getting the answers through prayer just yet. What are you all's thoughts?

Raymond · 8th April 2016, 09:24 AM

One cannot force things. If she wants to go reluctantly let her go. There is a verse which says:

But if the unbeliever departs let them. A brother or sister is not under bondage in such cases, but God has called us to peace. 1 Cor 7:15

Maybe she is not an unbeliever but she is sure acting like one.

chosen · 8th April 2016, 12:42 PM

I think that she still needs to know that you are completely against the divorce and that its wrong, but from what you said you can do anything to delay it anyway so she will get her way.
As Raymond says, you have to let her go if that is what she wants, even if that is disobeying God.

make sure you get some good legal advise asap.