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Old 5th February 2007, 02:26 PM   #1
Fairyraine
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Why do men need porn?

Hi everyone,

I have just registered. Wondered if anyone has any views on why men need porn? I am trying to understand why my partner needs porn and why it is making my life such a misery . Would like someone to talk to.
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Old 5th February 2007, 04:58 PM   #2
Fairyraine
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Re: Why do men need porn?

Hi MPM, (What does the initials stand for?)

Thanks for replying.

At the moment my relationship with my husband has been shredded. Over the last week we have stopped talking, stopped having sex. I feel really betrayed because he said it had stopped when infact he has continued to watch DVDs and download porn from the net. It is his lies which hurt. I don't know how to move forward in our relationship. He won't talk to me as he just gets aggressive and verbally abuses me. He makes it out as if I am the one with the problem, do I?
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Old 5th February 2007, 08:37 PM   #3
Fairyraine
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Re: Why do men need porn?

Hey thanks MPM for your last message - I am no longer lonely . This problem we have has gone on for over 15 years now. I love my husband very much and I would do anything for him but it upsets me that he feels the need to look after other women when he can have a real women by his side who really loves him. I am also very protective of my growing daughters and feel the need to protect their innocence. Thanks for being there for me. I no longer feel alone and I will sift throw the thread links which you pasted for me.

I have been attending a counsellor for over a year now with other problems and this issue reared its ugly head. I understand this problem I have with porn has something to do with the way I was brought up (and not dragged up like my husband) and I have such strong beliefs and values. I admit I am a prude. I lack a bit of self confidence from time to time.

This is difficult for me and I know things will not be resolved overnight nor will it go away. I am frightened of losing everything but I feel things must come to a head soon.

I don't know if I can just admit defeat and accept that this is the way my husband is and that he needs his porn. Eh, yuch even just saying that makes me want to throw up! Time will tell. Thanks again.
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Old 5th February 2007, 08:47 PM   #4
Fairyraine
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Re: Why do men need porn?

Hi Kelly,

I know you were hoping for a reply from MPM however, I was the one who posted the question and hope you don't mind me replying.

When I read your message I must say you pulled at my heartstrings. Things are very raw between myself and my husband over the problems we are having with regards to porn. I just wanted to say that I don't think it is us who have the problem, although men would like to us think that we are the problem. With regards to my husband when our sex life was ongoing we had fabulous sex and he had nothing to complain about because he had multiple climaxes. Whereas I had to be happy with the one or two. Is there any justice in the world? Or are you of the view that we are all responsible for our own climax? Rubbish!! I worked very hard to give my husband his but he puts little effort into it. I believe men watch porn because it gives them the control they want and they can masterbate to their hearts content without the need to satisfy anybody else in the process - selfish bastards!! (Sorry)

Anyway, I don't know how things will end, I am afraid of losing my family, my home but I will not lose my self respect for anyone.

I have been through a Divorce before and it is very difficult but there is light at the end of the tunnel. Just keeping digging your heels in - you and every other women out there deserves it!!
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Old 5th February 2007, 09:27 PM   #5
Fairyraine
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Re: Why do men need porn?

Hi Kelly,

I am sorry if you found my last message unhelpful. I heard a lot of sadness when reading your reply.

Time they say is a great healer. I am trying to listen to my inner-feelings more and stay positive.

Take care.
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Old 5th February 2007, 11:55 PM   #6
MPM
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Re: Why do men need porn?

Hi Kelly

I am sorry to hear that you’re going through a tough time.

There will always be contributory factors from both sides to every relationship breakdown and it is good that you can recognise this, blindly attributing all problems to the other partner will always be a surefire recipe for disaster. If you still feel that there are issues within yourself that are unresolved then please do explore them, it won’t do you any harm and can only help you for your future relationship/s. Your username says Kelly26 so I am assuming that you are still quite young.

Do you agree and are you happy that that your husband said he was justified in looking elsewhere to get his sexual kicks because you had ‘gone off sex’? Many partners porn use is regarded by them in an almost positive light ‘Well at least I didn’t have an affair’. Oh, okay, now you put it like that we all understand, porn widows around the world can now breath a collective sigh of relief and think about how grateful they all are!

Is it possible you lost your sex drive because you didn’t enjoy it and because you were getting nothing out of it? If sex is always the same type of sex without intimacy then it is just ****ing. A heathly sex life can feature all types of sex but when it is this same type every time without any emotional attachment then why would you feel any desire to participate?

As I mentioned before, it is not the viewing porn which destroys relationships, it is the lies and the secrecy that do the damage.

Regarding wanting advice, I am unsure as to what advice you’re looking for really? If you have made the decision to proceed with a divorce and subsequently have no contact then you appear to be quite sure of what you want. But, on the other side you say that you don’t know whether you will ever speak again, almost with a twinge of sadness. If you feel that you need to speak with him then I would recommend that you do it, you might not get the answers you’re looking for but maybe that’s better than having any regrets.

I wish you well and hope that you can find the peace you’re looking for.
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Old 6th February 2007, 12:03 AM   #7
MPM
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Re: Why do men need porn?

Hi Fairyraine

It’s good that you’re talking through your feelings with a counsellor, and because this issue has been brought up it means that you are willing to take steps to resolve it
Why not try & get your husband along to a session? He might not be that keen initially but as if you mention that your solo counselling has uncovered a lot of feelings that you would like to talk about with him and be able to tell him how you feel then he might come round. It would probably be best to visit a different therapist so he doesn’t feel that you’ve ‘got in there first’ so to speak.

At the moment you’re really angry and hurt but be careful that your anger doesn’t drive an even bigger wedge between you. You say you still love him and want to make your marriage work so don’t lose sight of this behind the red mist.

I understand your concerns for your daughters but try not to worry about that too much, in all honesty they’re more likely to encounter porn at school than they are in your home.

I agree that using porn to masturbate is the quick release way. The specific porn of interest is available at the click of a mouse, there is no foreplay required, no chores to be done, no flowers to buy. It’s the easy option and can get you from A to B in a matter of seconds. Problems can arise (as others have posted) when the only way their partners can gain sexual pleasure is within their web of lies & secrecy.

Hopefully for you somewhere in the middle there is a compromise between the two of you , do keep us posted and I’m glad you’re keeping your self respect in check.

Take care

Last edited by MPM; 6th February 2007 at 12:12 AM.
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Old 7th February 2007, 11:16 AM   #8
Fairyraine
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Question Re: Why do men need porn?

Hey there,
Wanted to keep you posted with regards to my wee problem. Well we have managed to talk a little. However, it was rather like trying to draw blood out of a stone.
I said to my husband that I didn't want to change him. It is just not in my nature. I don't want to have to give him an ultimatum as I fear the outcome. So when I questioned him why. He said I had said something to spark it off again last week. I asked if him watching porn had anything to do with me. He said no. So really he contradicted himself there. Or
am I analysing into this too much?
The situation is beginning to drive me potty. We are talking and things appear fine on the surface. However, while we are sleeping in the same bed we do not know how to approach eachother. The whole situation needs to be threaded out but he just won't open up to me. Yesterday I wanted to just plead to him to forget everything and things will be fine but I would just be trying to ignore this problem then. I love him very much and can't bear it that we appear to be drifting apart. Is it inevitable anyway?
I have asked him to determine whether he thinks he has a problem. He won't go and speak to anyone. In the past I dragged him to see my counsellor but he refused to go back being unable to talk to a stranger. He fears by me asking him to open up and create a better understanding and build on our communication skills together that I am trying to change him! I feel I am in a no win situation.
After the birth of our twins my husband's sex drive went through the roof. Things have been getting worse now for 9 years. I had a few problems after the birth which made sex very painful. The problem was only resolved 2 years ago. So as my Counsellor says I have 7 years of pain to come to terms with. Sometimes I feel like I have been abused sexually with husband's continual sexual demands on me. I feel he has nothing to complain about with regards to our sex as he has multiple climaxes when I have grown to accept the odd one here and there. Surely this does not make any sense. Now through counselling it has been made clear to me I am entitled to have my needs met while all this time I have been trying to keep my husband happy.
I fear this whole problem is going to overtake things in my life. I have been accepted into Uni this year and need to retain my self-esteem, confidence and well being. I am sitting lots of exams at college at the moment and feel really stressed out. I really am excited about going to Uni but I hoped my husband would be there for support. Not sure if I can handle so many changes in my life.
I know I am going through lotof changes within myself and fear I will move on without my husband.
This is like the grieving process - I am no longer angry about the situation and have tried to see sense. I am normally a bouncy happy person but I feel like I am slowing being suffocated. So I have been through the angry stage, denial, is it acceptance next? Raine.
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Old 7th February 2007, 06:11 PM   #9
WifeNKansas
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Re: Why do men need porn?

Maybe you should just run to bed first and slip on something a little more comfortable if you know what I mean!! Make sure you are holding some lube when he comes in and put that porn to good use! You can definetly benefit from the situation! Most likely if he is like my husband, he just looks at it for fun...kinda like we shop for fun!

You should try to take a look at it too maybe?!?!?!? I know that when hubby and I share that together it can lead to some great nookie and it's always readily available so it works anytime! I know he would appreciate you in that "slinky outfit" with lube and a porn mag when he gets to bed~! I know my man does! Good Luck sweetie!
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Old 7th February 2007, 10:51 PM   #10
Fairyraine
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Re: Why do men need porn?

Hey there,

I am quite insulted actually by your remarks WifeofKanvas! You obviously have not read my whole story through - I am not a cold hard bitch in bed and have satisfied my husband in the past. And no I am not 21 but I have a great body for being in my 30's. I intend to keep my self-respect and if my husband finds porn better than me then hey ho it is his loss!! Raine
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Old 10th February 2007, 08:31 PM   #11
Raymond
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Re: Why do men need porn?

Can't see how you can ever justify porn. If you fill yourself with those images and then go with your spouse, that's what you see not your spouse.

One cannot truly come together with one's spouse after watching porn. It's her and the others that will be on his mind.

Raymond
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Old 12th February 2007, 09:28 PM   #12
smatthan
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Re: Why do men need porn?

In my humble opinion it's another form of adultery, as one is lusting after other men/women. Indicates that all is not well, and communication has broken down. Self control is part of the marriage relationship and I suppose that's what gives it security. When one allows other people (in whatever form, magazines, friendships, internet etc) it gets complicated. Marriage is complicated enough as it is.

I hear that it's not just men indulging in porn these days. Although I have no personal experience of it, I can imagine that it's as damaging whether it's the man or woman.

Best to stay clear, or get rid of the stuff, before it's too late.
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Old 13th February 2007, 02:28 PM   #13
helenrw200
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Re: Why do men need porn?

dazed

Have you spoken to your husband and told him how you feel ? It is only bad for your H too look at porn if he is doing it secretively and knows you don't want him to.To look at porn everyday is excessive by most people's standards, it is something that needs to be talked about and I would say this is the first thing you need to do.

Regards

Helen
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Old 13th February 2007, 02:49 PM   #14
smatthan
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Re: Why do men need porn?

Hi helenrw200

If I knew for certain that DH had taken up viewing porn I would have to get it all out in the open. We may then need help. Was it anything to do with me, I would ask... If it wasn't and help was not accepted, he would have to make a choice. Not simple. If help was accepted, it would be important that accountability of some sort was set up - with a good friend/professional who understood and appreciated confidentiality.

We've talked through these things over the years (over 21 years) and neither of us has even become involved at all with porn. I am grateful for a husband who respects me as I am, with all my many weaknesses (which hopefully I can work on improving), and I would do the same. It's a two way thing.

Secrets in marriage are always a trap, and a slippery slope... Best not to have secrets but to communicate openly. Not easy, but marriage is not easy. It is easier to pack it all in and start over again and then repeat the same pattern infinitely!
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Old 13th February 2007, 03:00 PM   #15
helenrw200
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Re: Why do men need porn?

The thing is smatthan that things are not always so clear cut, if you love someone and yet they do this one thing that you hate, do you leave them ?

My partner was fully aware of my dislike of porn, and the reasons behind it, we talked a great deal and at length about the issue before we got into a relationship, however it didn't prevent him from carrying on viewing in secret. Some people are not able to communicate openly about why they do something , and yes, maybe you are lucky that in your marriage the issue hasn't arisen, but I do wonder , if it did, whether you would then see it as such a clear cut issue ?

Men viewing porn is not necessarily about disrespecting their partners , it is however about disrespecting their partner's feelings IF they don't want them to do it.

You talk as though it is possible to prevent a husband having secrets and and to make them communicate openly, as I stated before everyone has a free will, you cannot order them to be open, nor not to keep secrets !

As to asking and getting it out in the open, what makes you sure that by asking that this would happen ? Just because you wish something to be so, doesn't mean it is.....

Helen
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